Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

2 parents working in "lesser" jobs, or 1 high-powered WOHP and SAHP?

122 replies

redskyatnight · 09/04/2014 09:14

If you have the luxury of choice

For school age DC

Which is preferable

Both parents working, in "lesser" jobs but close to home so both able to see more of DCs in morning/evenings, able to attend school events, jointly able to cover holidays and sickness, both parents maintain their position in the job ladder, security if one parent is made redundant/taken ill/leaves the family, however potentially more stressful in terms of juggling OR
One parent working in high powered job so potentially silly hours, long commute, often away from home, while the other parent is SAHP. So one parent is always available for the DCs, but the other may have limited time with them, the SAHP has effectively sacrificed their career for the other, may be less security for the family long term. But ... more relaxed lifestyle.

DH and I fall into the first bucket, DB and SIL into the second. I'm happy to take the "more juggling" which means that we both can jointly pursue our careers and both spend lots of time with the DC.

I can see that SIL (she's a SAHM) has a much more relaxed lifestyle and it's great for DB that she just handles anything child related, but think it's sad for him not to spend more time for his DC and not great for SIL in terms of one day she may want to go back to work and struggle to do so.

(ought to point out that we could have pursued the one parent in high powered job option, but have chosen not to - equally DB and SIL could have gone with both of them working)

To turn this into an AIBU ...

AIBU to think both parents working in "lesser" jobs is the better option?

OP posts:

blueshoes · 09/04/2014 21:20

We are option 1, but both in ft careers in London. I doubt dh sees his job as a "lesser" job - he is doing the job he loves. I am also loving my job but it is probably "lesser" than dh's as I have given up doing the same work as dh to take on a less client-facing role so my hours are better and more predictable.

I believe it works well. We do the same commute and totally get what the other is doing at work. We live fairly centrally so there is no stupid commute and both travel the same (occasional) amount for work and take turns to do the school plays, sports day, parent-teacher meetings etc

I could not tolerate the financial dependence of the SAHP. I enjoy the equality of our arrangement. I see it as flying on twin engines, with each being the other's back up.

ParanoidLucy · 09/04/2014 21:50

Option 1 if there was a choice. I would not want to be a sahm again.

VaselineOnToast · 10/04/2014 10:59

We fall into the first category. Less stress, more flexibility. Less "status" but I don't really give a rat's a** anymore!

Joysmum · 10/04/2014 12:47

I couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck in a demanding job you hate but are expected to be owned by the company you work for.

Luckily DH's high powered job is one he adores. Me being a SAHM has meant he could please him self work wise and any time not at work is leisure. Our daughter had stability and routine. It worked well for them both. He maintained he does it for us, I recently asked him if that meant that if he didn't have me or DD he'd be less devoted to his career? Of course he couldn't say that's be the case!

Atm things are in the process of changing as it's time for me to get a career. We are both going through a difficult transition of trying to change our thinking and behaviour and adapt to him doing chores and me not doing so much. We both want to change but it's hard despite best intentions to change ingrained habits and attitudes.

If neither partner has a job they love and want to invest in as a career, then both having jobs rather than one having a vocation would be my choice.

FragileBrittleStar · 10/04/2014 13:18

We are in 2 (with me as the wohp)- not really through choice- my job is such that there isn't really an option to do a lesser job easily - its so specialist that there aren't jobs in the same field really without starting again.
I am not convinced there is less security though as if you depend on 2 parents working if either loses their job you are in trouble - unless you have slack built it
Also being high powered (!) i have a certain amount of control/flexibility over my schedule and time that i wouldn't have in a lesser job
I would think as well that the biggest issue with school age children is holidays which I don't think having two lesser jobs helps?

morethanpotatoprints · 10/04/2014 13:28

I don't think its a case of one or the other or even adding a category 3.
People manage their working and home balance in so many different ways these days, there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong or even typical.
We are in 2, but are not typical of the generalisations attached to this at all, most if not all don't apply to us.

jellybeans · 10/04/2014 14:37

I think every family is different. We fall into the 2nd bracket although DH only works 39-40 hrs, less some weeks. These hours are anti social though and he works Xmas day etc. Me being at home is much easier all round although obviously my career is screwed which is the price to pay. To offset that I have been studying with OU and also volunteer just to keep my confidence etc together.

NotCitrus · 10/04/2014 14:47

We're doing option 1 at the moment, working 3 and 4 days each. Ideally at least one of us would get promoted and thus more money, but trying to wangle that as a part-timer with an eye on the clock is particularly hard, despite us both having pretty flexible jobs (can work from home with laptops), and right now the children are small (Reception and nursery) and the flexibility and spare time is more important.

It does rather rankle that as a family we would likely be much better off if one of us (probably MrNC) took a 60-hour type job and the other did full time childcare, but neither of us want that so have to deal with the job market as it is - headhunters keep chasing MrNC for city firms, but none of them will consider someone working 4 days a week, which is daft given he could probably do in 4 days what a less-talented person would need 5 for and it would save the company money.

somewherewest · 10/04/2014 14:49

Our situation's a bit complicated (I work very part-time, DH works almost full-time but flexibly and often from home), but we mostly fall into Option One. I love the fact we parent as a team rather than one of us shouldering everything. We balance each other out as parents - DH is has almost infinite patience with DS, copes between with poor sleep and is generally relaxed about everything, I worry more but am probable a bit more anal conscientious.

BOFster · 11/04/2014 02:40

I had no idea who Sheryl Sandberg was, but googled her. My word, I honestly cannot understand how Bonsoir can describe her as 'the scum of the earth'. She seems rather inspirational, if anything .

BeeInYourBonnet · 11/04/2014 07:09

I've just googled her too, and totally agree with BOF. In fact pondering on whether to buy her book!

Her quote that society won't be truly equal until half of our countries and companies are run by women, and half of our homes are run by men, is food for thought.

Retropear · 11/04/2014 07:17

She has a lot of critics.

She had a privileged background and what she writes about bears no reality to mothers on a minimum wage who can't afford an army of nannies,cleaners etc.

She has been slated for using interns.

The idea of "leaning" in has been also pulled apart for various reasons.

If you Google you'll see.

usuallyright · 11/04/2014 07:32

Sandberg is a loon. How many women, nay parents, want to work her hours and never see their children? Surely we're all working to a future where we can all lean out, not in?

Retropear · 11/04/2014 07:40

What usually said with bells on.

2rebecca · 11/04/2014 07:46

Why have posters started discussing a woman called Sheryl Sandberg? That seemed to come out of nowhere.

wordfactory · 11/04/2014 07:51

But why must every voice follow the SAHM agenda for you to like it?

Why can't we have diverse female voices?

We get endless air time about how it's better for women to be at home and how terribly hard it is to have children and be successful. How working women are all meant to be sad and stressed and wishing they didn't have to work. Constant refrain in the media.

Why can't there just be a few female voices that say they can have success and a happy family life? Why do women who say that have to be berrated and put in the 'scum of the earth' category?

There are endless male voices out there discussing work life and success etc...mostly they don;t even have to mention their family. And if they do it's usually in a positive way. You will never see armies of other men queing up to tell them what rotten fathers they are or trying to silence them!!!!

maddening · 11/04/2014 07:51

It's only an option if one of you actually has high powered job potential - so have you both been turning down high paid jobs to continue living the dream?

Retropear · 11/04/2014 08:05

Word I'd be critical of any man with the attitude of leaning in as bring desirable too.The career people(male and female)in my family all seem to have a leaning out attitude and manage it well with successful careers.

I disagree re airtime saying it's better to be a sahm. It's exactly the reverse these days.

I'm sure there are parents who love work above and beyond everything else.There are those in the middle and those at the complete other end of the spectrum.Considering as people we all differ it's hardly surprising.

It would be lovely if we all had choice and were supported to do what suits us,our children and our individual families best.Sadly these days choice is being replaced by judging and lecturing.As regards choice we're rapidly going backwards not forwards.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 11/04/2014 08:49

Why can't there just be a few female voices that say they can have success and a happy family life? Why do women who say that have to be berated and put in the 'scum of the earth' category?

Totally agree with this.

Also, unless you have women at the top advocating for women and family friendly businesses, nothing will change.

antiabz · 11/04/2014 08:55

Once I'm qualified we will be going for option 2 with DH staying at home.

It is what will work best for our family.

wordfactory · 11/04/2014 09:33

Retro sorry but it has not 'gone the other way'.

Where are the positive storuies about women enjoying family life and work? Where?

Where are the voices of women talking about work, without having to mention how difficult it all is?

Where are the interviews with successful women that don't mention their family?

Bonsoir · 11/04/2014 09:44

wordfactory - A positive story

wordfactory · 11/04/2014 09:59

Well that's great to read Bonsoir but it's not a profile media piece.

The newspapers, TV chanels and internet outlets very rarely carry a piece like that. Most pieces about successful women will spend at least half the time focussing on how difficult it all is. And the number of pices that are actually only about how hard it is are frightening!

DH and his female collegaue are often asked for interviews/comments and he can say he has never been asked about his family life. His colleague says she can count on her hand how many times she hasn't been asked.

Even me, doing the most family friendly job in the world, can't do an interview wothout having to answer the 'so how do you balance it all?' question.

It's bonkers!

Bonsoir · 11/04/2014 10:02

Perhaps because the piece I linked to is PR, wordfactory, and so glosses over the fact that the interviewee has huge amounts of domestic support and that she doesn't mind leaving her DC for a fortnight at a time, several times a year? Which many mothers do not feel able to do.

wordfactory · 11/04/2014 10:07

But why is that relevant Bonsoir?

If her family are cool with that, why should it bother you or any other mothers?

My DH travels with work, I bet yours does too. Why is that okay?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5