Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask nursery to call me if my baby cries for more than an hour?

87 replies

ArtFine · 08/04/2014 18:28

DD has been going to settling in sessions and they haven't been going well. She's had four so far.

Today she was there for two hours on her own and when I went to pick her up I was told she cried all the way through, and from what I understood, she was left to cry. I was of course very upset. AIBU to ask them (or expect them?) to call me if she cried for more than an hour?

(I'm having second thoughts about the nursery but should I just give it time?)

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtFine · 08/04/2014 18:30

I must add my DD (10 months) is a high needs baby so I'm not surprised by her reaction, I was more surprised that the staff just left her to it. Is what 'settling in' is for some babies?

OP posts:
CrohnicallyChanging · 08/04/2014 18:32

YANBU. I would have thought it was a given that they would phone if she was seriously distressed for that amount of time- when my DD was in nursery they phoned me once around 10am (dropped off at 8am) to say she wasn't herself and had been 'grizzly' most of the morning. I can't imagine them leaving her to actually cry for that long without contacting me.

How is your DD at being left generally? Do you think it's a reaction to being left by you (in which case you might want to try leaving her with a familiar family member to try and get her used to you not being there)? Or do you think it's specifically the nursery she doesn't like (in which case I'd look for a new one, or a childminder instead)?

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/04/2014 18:33

What does high needs mean? Additional needs?

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 08/04/2014 18:34

Hi work in a baby room and I'm very used to this question. It's hard for parents and children when the baby goes to nursery. I always tell new parents not to be alarmed if they find their children a bit up set when they are settling in- it's totally normal. It's just everything is so new to them, they just need a little time to adjust :). Your child will start to enjoy nursery in time. I promise :)

The only thing I don't like is that she was left to cry, that definitely not on. Are you sure she wasn't comforted? I would challenge that. But apart from that issue I would give her more time to get used to nursery. Good luck.

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/04/2014 18:34

Sorry posted too soon!

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect them to do that regardless of what high needs means. An hour is a long time for a baby to be seriously distressed.

CrohnicallyChanging · 08/04/2014 18:36

X post. Sounds like it's a reaction to being left then, rather than the specific nursery. But did they seriously not try cuddling her, or distracting her with toys or anything?

Original poster
ArtFine · 08/04/2014 18:38

High needs means a very fussy and demanding baby.

She has stayed on a couple of occasions with family and was fine. She hasn't taken to the key worker and doesn't want to go to her or from what I can tell, like her.

I am disturbed that she cried for almost two hours and no one bothered calling me. If she was comforted (by being picked up), she would have stopped. I don't expect them to pick her up all the time, but I'm surprised I wasn't called.

I was also rather surprised to be then told by the manager and other senior staff that she is settling in really well! WTH?!

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 08/04/2014 18:39

It depend what they mean by crying. It may be necessary for some grizzling. It know it's hard, but you running in to collect her isn't going to help her settle with them. On the other hand, if they just left her properly crying and didn't try to comfort her, I would be angry too. I think you need to clarify exactly what went on and how they deal with babies who struggle to settle in. Did they ask for information about what helps her, what she likes to do etc? They should have. They should be suggesting ways to help her style, such as having a jumper of yours with your smell on nearby etc.

Fwiw my dd was extremely clingy at that age. She started nursery at 9 months too. It was hard and it took months for her to stop crying when I dropped her off but it was well worth it and she's now really really happy. However I was comforted to know that the staff gave her lots of cuddles and reassurance which helped her feel secure.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 08/04/2014 18:42

My dd doesn't take to anyone that quickly either! For us it wasn't a case of not liking someone, it was a case of needing to get to know them better. She's still reserved with new people so in your position, I wouldn't immediately assume that your dd just doesn't like someone.

kilmuir · 08/04/2014 18:46

I doubt she cried solid for 2 hours, i expect she was picked up by staff.
High needs means spoilt i think

BackforGood · 08/04/2014 18:48

I think you might have a different idea of what you mean by crying all the time and what they mean. A lot of little ones grizzle continually when they first start - doesn't mean they were sobbing their little hearts out the whole time.
Why do you say that nobody picked her up at all ? I'd be very surprised at this. A baby that stops crying when picked up by their Mum, might not necessarily stop crying when picked up by someone they don't know.
10months is quite a notorious age for noticing who the person is that's holding you, and for wanting a particular person.

Original poster
ArtFine · 08/04/2014 18:48

If its case of giving her more time to like someone, surely then the solution is for her to spend more time with key worker whilst I'm there so she's relaxed?

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtFine · 08/04/2014 18:52

Kilm, I was told she cried all the way through, with a couple of pauses to see what everyone was doing.

OP posts:
CrohnicallyChanging · 08/04/2014 18:53

I think you need to clarify exactly what went off.

What level was the crying? Whinging or actual crying or distressed screaming?

Was she crying for the whole two hours non stop or did she stop briefly while distracted and start up again?

What, if anything, did they do to try and calm her?

Like guybrush's DD, my daughter takes a little time to warm up to people, and she can also be put off by simple things like glasses initially, so that wouldn't worry me. But if I found out she screamed continuously for 2 hours and they did nothing to try and calm her, I wouldn't leave her there again. Whereas if it was whinging on and off, and they cuddled and played with her in between seeing to the other children, I'd give it more time.

Greythorne · 08/04/2014 18:53

How incredibly rude.
High needs does not mean spoilt.

Kundry · 08/04/2014 18:56

If you are there, she's not really going to relax with the keyworker, just be upset as to why you aren't holding her so I don't think that plan will work.

CrohnicallyChanging · 08/04/2014 18:56

kilmuir not necessarily. I would have classed my daughter as high needs up till around 6 months of age. She cried unless she was being held and barely slept (only in my bed and for an hour or two at a time. Naps had to happen in my arms or sling. Or in the car/pushchair, but then she'd only sleep for half an hour, and wake if we stopped).

Nothing to do with being spoiled, you can't spoil a newborn, that was just her personality (and not helped by tongue tie causing trapped wind and reluctant symptoms). She grew out of it in her own time, and by 9 months nursery said she was their easiest baby.

Haveacwtch · 08/04/2014 18:56

No high needs doesn't mean spoilt and your response was very rude. My first son was like this. Very clingy and needed me constantly. My second wasn't and they weren't raised any differently.

Both took a while to settle into nursery. They started at half hour at a time. I wouldn't have liked it if they had been that bad and they hadn't called me.

ShiningBright · 08/04/2014 19:03

YANBU I would want to know if my DS cried for more than 10 minutes. In fact when introducing DS to nursery, he was distressed that I stayed with him for six weeks to settle him until he was just a bit upset but soon calmed down when I left. The nursery were totally ok with this but encouraged me to go when he reached the just a bit upset stage. I wouldn't have been happy with the nursery if they hadn't accepted this.

ikeaismylocal · 08/04/2014 19:03

YANBU

I would be considering changing nurseries if this happened to my ds.

We have been doing settling in days recently, ds is 15 months old and a pretty easy/confident little boy. The first week me or dp stayed with him and he was there for a couple of hours in the morning, as the week went on we took more of a backseat (sat and watched whilst his carer played with him and helped him with food) week 2 we stayed for the first hour and then left ds there starting with leaving him for 20 mins and increasing the time each day and decreasing the time we spent there, towards the end of the week we only stayed 5 or 10 mins before we left him, he stayed all morning and ate lunch there from the middle of week 2. Week 3 (we are on day 2 of week 3) the plan is to get ds sleeping at nursery, he slept there for the first time today but dp sat in the kitchen whilst he slept incase he became upset and inconsolable. dp will do the same for the next few day, sit in the kitchen and step in if ds is too upset.

Ds has cried a little bit but his carer carries him around and cuddles him constantly when he is upset which settles him quickly (we watch through the window sometimes) it would break my heart to think of him being ignored or left to cry :(

Fusedog · 08/04/2014 19:06

If you don't want your baby left I would get a childminder

You have to no many nurserys are staffed by unqailified training nursery nurses also because it's a competitive envioment which is not NORMAL for a baby he would makes the most fuss wins so to speak

Fusedog · 08/04/2014 19:08

Not being funny with the best will in the world you can only do so much if you have 3 small babies of the same age and there all crying

That's it's well documented that nurserys are not the best environment for small babies

Childminders are only usually allowed 1 child under one unless twins it may suit your baby better

CurlyBlueberry · 08/04/2014 19:11

No YANBU. I would have described my son as high needs too until quite recently (around 12/13 months). As far as I can see when I go in (and I've dropped in unexpectedly) the nursery do not leave babies to cry. Often when we went to pick him up he was being carried, during his first few weeks. During the settling-in period they called me to come and get him if he was grizzling for over an hour. I would be looking for a different nursery personally.

CommanderShepard · 08/04/2014 19:12

Fusedog, have you been at the glue? Where is this documented evidence you speak of?

meringue33 · 08/04/2014 19:18

All of our nursery staff are qualified or working towards a minimum Level 2 qualification.

Yanbu though, OP. My son took ages to settle at nursery but they would call me after an hour and I'd go and pick him up. It took seven settling in sessions before he started to enjoy it but now he adores his key worker.

While he was crying he was always being cuddled by someone. Tired and grumpy babies always get a cuddle, I see it all the time at collection. It would be very odd for more than one or two babies to cry at once and sometimes staff pop in from another room to help.

I know it seems unbearable at this stage but it does get better. But if this place are being crap do find him somewhere better. Keep asking questions until you're satisfied.

Swipe left for the next trending thread