To ask nursery to call me if my baby cries for more than an hour?

[ArtFine]

DD has been going to settling in sessions and they haven't been going well. She's had four so far.

Today she was there for two hours on her own and when I went to pick her up I was told she cried all the way through, and from what I understood, she was left to cry. I was of course very upset. AIBU to ask them (or expect them?) to call me if she cried for more than an hour?

(I'm having second thoughts about the nursery but should I just give it time?)

I wasn't judging her asking for help with the issue though and I didn't say the baby was 'spoiled' I was just explain possible responses to the term she used. I apologise if it came across differently, I have never known this term used outside of a medical or disability context.

Cold now you're are being rude and stereotyping (and I didn't even say Op's baby was spoiled, so you are not being rude to me)

The Sears baby book has a section on High need babies, such as my ds3 (not PFB obviously, or spoilt): here. It's not a term invented by OP.

I would expect any nursery to distract and comfort a crying baby.

Thanks for all the supportive messages!

You can't really understand the ins and outs of a high needs baby until you have one. And then you'll be reading dr sears book too, trust me and wishing you'd never thoughts babies were just 'spoilt'.

It's a difficult one, and I'm going to speak to the nursery. I am not willing to leave her alone until she is ready to go by her key worker in my presence, when she pulls her arms towards her. I think that is a reasonable request.

ikeaismylocal, your nursery sounds amazing!! Are you by any chance in the south of England?

I think you might be waiting a very long time if you won't leave your baby until she reaches out towards her key worker. Some babies/children cry every time they are left, they find leaving their mummy/daddy just too hard but are settled and fine once parents have gone.
I doubt any nursery would 'leave a baby to cry' for any length of time, and yes, babies do sometimes carry on crying for hours, even when they are being held, comforted, distracted etc. Not many do, but some do.

I love the comments about how a baby cries when it's not carried because it's used to being carried! (Being sarcastic, I don't really love them)

DD cried all the time when she was put down, so I soon decided not to put her down. The crying came first, not the carrying! Thank goodness I discovered slings. And as I said before- she grew out of it around 6 months so constantly carrying her didn't seem to prolong the fussy stage.

At DS's nursery they often carry the new babies all day if they are crying. Some of the key workers will wear slings for settling in if it helps them become attached and relax.

All the 'your baby is spoilt' comments are based on ignorance. Developmental neuroscience shows quite clearly quick, responsive care givers are best. Nursery staff should know this and accommodate it.

I would go by her attitude to the playroom rather than the key worker in all honesty. It can take months for some children to be settled and confident enough to willingly go with an adult they don't know very well but they will usually enter an inviting room full of toys happily enough! Take that as your guide first. How does the key worker approach your Dd? If she's a bit full on it could be that she's being a bit overbearing, a softer approach would be to have a toy to hand that would interest your DD. That worked for me a few times, a kind of 'come and play with me and this toy' attitude rather than 'come with me', which could be slightly scary!

You have to be confident too, and frankly, a little hard arsed! Be happy and bouncy about it, don't let any apprehension show. When you say bye make sure to say something like 'mummy will be back after lunch/after you've played with . Emphasise that you will be back. She'll pick up on it over time. Don't fuss her, say your goodbyes and and go.
Thinking of other tricks that worked, will be back when I've thought of them - it's been a while!

And some babies will continue crying while they are being held by nursery staff until they have been there long enough to feel safe and secure.

Hope it works out for you OP. I do want to just reinforce what i said previously because I think it is an extremely important point- that your baby is likely to form an attachment with their key person much more easily without you there- this is how it naturally occurs and she won't be happy with anyone else if you are there. Without you there, she will transfer her attachment from you to sometime else. i sincerely believe that your presence will only prolong this process. It may be MONTHS before she actively hold her arms out to them. It was about 3 or 4 months before my dd went for her key person like that. Additionally, while forming this attachment is important, it is more important that she learns to feel comfortable without you there rather than only with one specific person. Otherwise you run the risk of her simply forming an attachment to a member of staff who will take time off for holidays etc. The nursery will aim to ensure that she is comfortable with all staff.
Sorry- I'm not trying to criticise you, but I think you need to manage your expectations a little. I promise you that you will feel so much better in the long run. It is so hard looking after a baby who only wants you all the time and going to nursery completely transformed my dd from a demanding clingy baby to a well- adjusted baby who was generally much happier and sunnier.
But you have to do what you feel is right obviously.

It's actually important children form significant attachments to one or two care givers rather than just learn to deal with the environment. That's why key workers exist

Children do much better and have reduced cortisol levels if they have attachments to specific people as they become their safe base to explore the environment. That's the argument for nannies or childminders being better, especially for younger babies. There's a fair amount if research on it.

Ah some harsh judgy pants hooked high here.

As a cm I can say that high needs babies arnt made that they are generally born that way.

And it's absolutely not spoiling.

It has no bearing on how they are as toddlers.

You can't spoil a baby, you can spoil a toddler.

There is a difference.

the thing is surely the keyworker spending time during settling in comforting a crying dc would expediate settling in - even sitting cuddling dc while reading to a little group would help and help dc to bond with keyworker - not something that can happen forever but just to ease them in.

if they won't work with your dc find another setting - start looking now while giving nursery one more chance after a discussion as to what happened and how they will approach going forward.

also look up games to play and ways of dealing with separation anxiety - 9-10 mths can be a bad time for that so might not help and addressing that could be good.

art I haven't read all the posts but please CHANGE NURSERY

it is very worrying they left her to cry for so long poor baby! And then to say she is doing fine???!!! They will be with her for extending periods and what they are doing is NOT CARING.

I think my one is more high needs than average and often see the staff carrying her around in one arm or sitting with her in their lap. Basically giving her extra attention because that's what she needs. To my knowledge she had never beeneft to cry. They distract her a lot as she always gets upset when I leave her. But then when I check back a minute later she is fine - and Has one to one attention until she is ok. Your dd will cry but the key is what they do. They should work hard to comfort her and distract her. Basically they need to be doing what you would do and a good nursery should manage that much without you having to instruct them to give basic care.

Your baby is vulnerable. Please do not leave her with someone who is happy to neglect her.

Tomorrow Good job at fueling the OP's guilt and anxiety, not very helpful is it!?

Also you shouldn't throw words like 'neglect' around lightly

Ha just read the sears link. Yep defo high needs baby here. Thank god I finally found something to tell me it wasn't just me imagining it/being crap/not being as resilient as other mums!

Anyway OP - listen to your gut. Dd definitely will not attach to someone else whilst in your presence - you're just a much bigger prize by far. But equally you should not feel worried or unsure when you think of dd in nursery. Although I felt a little guilty I thankfully have not ever felt the level of care was lacking. And my dd does demand more from them than other kids.

I haven't read everything but I read your post about her stoping if she was picked up, are you sure that's the case? I am childminder and I have had children that are very clingy to mum that have literally cried for hours whether I held them, walked around with them, distracted with toys, took for a walk unless they were eating or sleeping. They have grown to know me as someone they can trust and with time settle well with me but I couldn't stop them crying when they were first with me no matter what I did.

It's so hard leaving a child especially one that cries, I left ds1 with a cm before I started minding so I feel for you. What would be the point of calling you though? Not meant to be inflammatory at all, genuine question. You have to leave her I assume, so calling you will do nothing but upset you. You can't leave your work to pick her up if she cries and knowing she's crying will make you feel worse. If you're unhappy with the nursery then that's another matter but if she's quite a clingy baby and you expected her to find it hard and you're happy with the nursery then I think you will have to give them a bit longer. With regard to the key person, if your daughter naturally is more comfortable with another person in the room they should move the key person to suit her.

tess thanks but the message was for OP no need for you to get all huffy about it.

Not fueling guilt actually giving constructive advice. And yes it is neglect to leave a baby screaming for two hours. So yes I think it is reasonable and in fact the right thing to do to say change nursery. I take child safety very very seriously and do not think any carer worth their name would have dealt with this situation as they did

I have every right to get huffy and you were scaremongering, whether you want to see or not. Shouting CHANGE NURSERY, NOT CARING and NEGLECT is not constructive,it's frightening!