To ask nursery to call me if my baby cries for more than an hour?

[ArtFine]

DD has been going to settling in sessions and they haven't been going well. She's had four so far.

Today she was there for two hours on her own and when I went to pick her up I was told she cried all the way through, and from what I understood, she was left to cry. I was of course very upset. AIBU to ask them (or expect them?) to call me if she cried for more than an hour?

(I'm having second thoughts about the nursery but should I just give it time?)

When I did settling in my baby room, we took as much time as the baby needed. First day parent and baby would come in for an hour, we'd spend time with the parent to find out what their routine was, what they were eating, how things went and generally chatting. We'd chat to the child and play with them. 2nd day, parent and baby in the room. Parent would stay for an hour then leave for 30 minutes and have a coffee in the parents room. That way if needed we could get them through quickly. Then each day we'd make it longer until they could stay for a whole session. Some babies would be fab, others needed more time.

One baby was fab in the settling sessions. But cried non stop once he started. Ironically the other baby starting with him, screamed while settling but was great when he started full time.

You should work with the parent and child to ensure smooth transition for everyone involved.

I'd go back to the nursery and speak to them about it. If you aren't happy then maybe another setting would be better.

You can spoil a baby with attention?? Who knew?

In my experience, your dd will settle faster without you there. I'd you are there, anyone else will always be the second best person in the room and this prevents her from forming an attachment to anyone else. She needs to be able to replace her attachment to you and you definitely can't be there for her to do that. In my experience. My dd used to scream any time ANYONE but me picked her up when I was there- my dh, my mum... But as soon as I left, she would settle with them quickly.

Sorry, I always seem to use "who knew" to mean the opposite of what it actually means. What I should have put was "bollocks"

As a childminder I will say all children are different in how long they need to settle in. My policy tends to be 10 minutes, then 30 minutes, then one hour then two lots of 2 hours. Some children need less and some need more. I will never let a baby cry for long if it is a real distressed cry. If it is a few grizzlies then I will see if the little one can be distracted or if it is intermittent. I have only ever once had to send a baby home but he had NEVER been put down by any family they had literally played pass the parcel and at 6 months it broke his heart to be put down even for a second. I did say to the parents we could work together and get him used to being left but Mum decided to give up work instead, A year later mum was back saying how exhausted she was and asking advice to get him to be able to go down and play so I do not feel guilty at calling mum back.

I spoiled my baby. She went to nursery at 2 and was fine. If she'd gone any earlier, she would have been fine as long as someone comforted her when she cried. I don't think it matters whether she's 'spoiled' or not. What matters is whether she was comforted when she cried.

Rather shocked by the comments on nurseries - the nursery my child attends has all staff level 3 qualified minimum, all are developing further, and a number have degrees! I have often sat at the nursery for various reasons for 2 hours at a time, out of sight but able to hear, and rarely hear crying (was very surprised at how little crying goes on), and never consistent proper crying for more than a few minutes. The babies are cuddled and loved and adore their KW.

Many children take time to settle and cry at first, others don't bat and eyelid when you leave them. Find out exactly what happened and what was done. If you are still uncomfortable with what happened then consider looking elsewhere, or changing key worker if you like the nursery otherwise, sometimes a child and KW just don't click, and the management should understand that.

2 friends had ongoing settling in issues (not at my child's nursery). In one case a change of KW solved the problem and in the other the staff said it was the child's fault, which rang alarm bells, he was only 1! Once he changed nursery he was very happy.

My dd was 3 when she left playschool and went to nursery. She hadn't settled at playschool though they told me every day she was fine . One session at the new nursery DD laid on the floor for over an hour. A nursery worker laid with her. I was very pleased that they cared enough about dd to do this. I would be asking a lot of questions, ArtFine, I still feel crap I left my dd at playschool for so long.

Hi op. Just wanted to reassure you long term. I was a cm for years and children vary so much in their separation/settling abilities and that has bugger all to do with being spoilt that's bollocks.

I had sisters, the first one nearly broke me, cried when out down non stop for 4 weeks and then suddenly like the sun coming out she stopped. Obviously I couldn't cuddle her all the time but I did spend lots if time with her in my lap.

2 years later her sister was the same. Cried solid when down for 4 weeks and then stopped.

They were without exception the loveliest best behaved lovable toddlers.

Give the nursery a fair chance. See if she settles. They should be reassuring you.

I loved my child's nursery. She had so much fun there and she loved having an organised part to her week and a less structured part of her week (when she was with me at home). She is 13 now and still remembers some things about nursery...like when Kelly set fire to the toast and a fire engine came. Or when they all dressed up like Disney Princesses and she wore sparkly trainers that all the staff commented on. I know that the early days can be traumatic, but nurseries aren't just an essential part of childcare, if you get the right one, they can be a fantastic start to a child's life. My daughter and 3 of her friends went to her nursery. They are all self assured teens now and all of them have done well at school and are well balanced teens. I regret many things about my child's early life, but I never regret putting her into the care of other people. I feel like she was raised by a community, even though part of it was paid for care.

It sounds as if neither of you are comfortable with the idea of nursery to be honest. Is there no other childcare option that you could pursue? Family, Childminder, Nanny? It's also possible that your baby is picking up on your anxiety and feels unsafe? Whilst I understand your concerns I think you are being a bit unreasonable. How could the nursery have time to keep calling you? Where do they draw the line? Should they call you every time she grizzles. I also think that you have accept that you need to let go a little if you choose to use nursery or any other formal childcare (not criticizing those who do) they have many children to care for and as long as your daughter is safe and healthy in the environment and they are trying to settle her the best they can I think you are being a little unfair to the staff.

Can I just ask is 'high needs' an accepted term in this context? I just found it a little offensive to parents with children with additional needs if I'm honest.

Try a child minder? My friend childminder and has a very high need one year old in her care. She cries ALL the time as she is used to practically being carried everywhere by her parents. So when she is out down she is very unimpressed. I never thought a child could cry so much over nothing, she would be completely unsuited to a nursery setting but is slowly getting better with my friend.

If your not happy either try alternative childcare provider or try changing your settling in to perhaps an hour very day then two hours ect. I would say a high needs child is better with a childminder or you might want to consider a nanny in your home.

High needs means spoilt i think

I didn't think it was possible to spoil a 10 month old baby.

What a ridiculous comment you dont work in childcare do you

high needs children, not sure I like that term do settle eventually though in any loving decent setting.

"High needs means a very fussy and demanding baby."

Erm, I think perhaps in your case, "High Needs" means "precious first born" and spoilt. Stick with it, and you may find that you no longer have a "high needs" but a well adjusted happy baby in a couple of months. Good luck.

Honestly, I think the words spoilt and baby really do not belong in the same sentence. Unless in the context of spoiling the baby via neglect.

A good nursery will continue a graduql admission for as long as its needed, high needs or not. I settled in dozens of little ones and their parents amd we never failed. I did the lying on the floor thing more thwn once too! They should be happy for you to check up yourself so don't be afraid to phone them after maybe an hour to reassure yourself. Does she have a comforter of any sorts she could take? A favourite song or story? These things can be useful at this stage.
A couple of points:
DD1 was high needs. She's second born so it's not a pfb thing. Happily she is now an independant 8 year old.
Nurseries have well qualified.staff. Many have degrees. Badly behabed unmotivated staff who see it as an easy option don't last long.

Spoilt?! It's a baby ffs. Are people recommending she should have held her less? Loved her less? Let her cry for hours?
I moved my dd from her nursery and one of the things that put me off was seeing other children crying and not being comforted. In my dds new nursery they couldn't possibly carry them all about but its a much more caring loving environment and the new ones are always comforted and they settle quickly.

Yanbu, I'd be livid if my child was left to cry for 2 hrs. And I agree you can't spoil a 10 month old.

Jesus what rude, dismissive and ignorant comments about "high needs" from some posters. (Not counting people who may reasonable question the phrase itself).

OP, I hope your child settles in soon but as others have said, speak to the nursery. Communication is key. And if you aren't reassured then do look elsewhere.

Fwiw my baby isn't particularly fussy but she was for a few weeks, and I think anyone coping with a fussier than average baby for any length of time deserves a medal & empathy.

I do think the OP's use of term 'high needs' hints at something akin to parents who spoil older children though, as barring any additional medical, physical or social needs aren't all babies in need of a lot of attention. By using almost psudeo medical language, I think the OP is inferring something which is potentially offensive to some parents or family members of children with additional needs and that has got people riled a bit, so they are using the term spoiled, wrongly I think but with reason

My friends "high needs baby" has moved on to become a toddler that dictates not only that nobody sit around the dining table in case she will want the chairs, all of them, to hog all the snack put out for guests, and parents just laughing feebly saying "isnt she cute, she does love olives, bless", while we all stand around the dining table like this

High needs isn't a phrase the OP dreamt up though - rightly or wrongly, it's used by professionals to describe babies & toddlers at the fussier/more demanding end of the scale.

And the OP wanted advice about a specific, distressing childcare issue, so someone else's toddler being supposedly badly raised is utterly irrelevant. Even if all your alarm bells are screaming "this poster! it's all her own fault!!" would it not be kinder and actually helpful to post suggestions rather than judgment? eg "tips for building up your child's resilience".

As opposed to jumping in to pointlessly judging.