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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fucking livid with the school?

89 replies

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 16:28

My Ex (DD's dad) has been round today to say that DD's teacher had pulled him aside for a word today at the end of school. It would seem that DD hasn't being herself at school for the past two weeks and they wanted to know 'what had changed' at home!

Firstly, nothing has changed at home, in either mine or my Ex's house. My DD has been her normal self at home, suggesting that the problem is in fact in school. My Ex said that he was made to feel very inferior by the teacher, and that there was an accusatory undertone. This has annoyed me because they are assuming it's something at home, when it looks like it's actually something at school.

The bit that has annoyed me the most though is that the teacher said to my Ex that she 'knew Puds had a new partner' This is the part that has made me fucking livid. I do not have a new partner, the man I assume she is referring to is actually my best friend who she has assumed is my partner (because apparently you can't just be friends with a man Confused). This has annoyed me because she has absolutely no right to make assumptions about my life, neither has she the right to relay these misguided assumptions to my Ex. My Ex was abusive, and this information could have easily resulted in something quite bad for me.

AIBU? WIBU to go to the school and have a word?

OP posts:
Doingakatereddy · 07/04/2014 16:31

By all means speak to school, but take a deep breath & talk to dd first to find out what's wrong.

StealthPolarBear · 07/04/2014 16:32

Well I was coming on tp say calm down dear but actually yanbu and I'd be livid too!

Wherediparkmybroom · 07/04/2014 16:32

No, go to the school! This should have been brought up a week ago!

gamerchick · 07/04/2014 16:32

Yep make an appointment to see the head. You'll only end up having to anyway. Cut out the crap first imo.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 16:33

I've spoken to her. Don't worry, she didn't see me upset. I asked her if she was happy with how things were with mummy and daddy and she said yes. I asked her if anything had upset her recently and she said getting in trouble at school.

I know her and her best friend have been having a few issues recently and she said on friday that her friend hadn't wanted to play with her so I'm thinking the issue is more about things that are changing in school rather than her home life.

OP posts:
Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 16:35

Thanks Stealth

I thought exactly that Where I have been wracking my brains trying to remember anything she has been upset about over the past 2 weeks whereas if they had said after a couple of days it would have been much easier!

Trying to get a 5 year old to go back through the past 2 weeks is almost impossible!

OP posts:
Wherediparkmybroom · 07/04/2014 16:35

Teachers generally pick up on friend dynamics, I'm with gamer go straight to the head.

Uptheanty · 07/04/2014 16:37

I'd be very careful on how you proceed & think a little more.

Can your ex be exaggerating or at least being economical with the truth?

You say they enquired about a new partner? Are you sure that just wasn't him...

balia · 07/04/2014 16:38

Your abusive ex told you this? How much do you trust him? Sounds like a total fishing expedition to me. Plus I would be very wary of putting much faith in an abuser's version of events when he says a woman had an accusatory tone.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 16:39

I can't be sure of that Up, but when I expressed my anger at this and said I was going to go and talk to her about it, he didn't discourage me.

I am extremely shocked that a teacher would make these assumptions. My Ex suggested it was the way my DD talked about my friend, but when I asked her who he was, she said 'mummys friend' so it hasn't come from her.

OP posts:
balia · 07/04/2014 16:39

x-post uptheanty

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 16:41

balia although that is a good point, the accusatory tone is something I have personally experienced, as have a few other parents. I was going to go and speak to the school before christmas about the way in which information ways relayed to parents, but they seemed to be improving. Until this.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/04/2014 16:41

I would contact the teacher and talk to her directly rather than placing too much on what your exes interpretation of the situation was.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 07/04/2014 16:41

the school are concerned about your daughter.

may be that's the important bit to focus on here.

Uptheanty · 07/04/2014 16:46

I think if the teacher spoke to you & you were sure she was judging or had an accusatory tone then I would challenge her.

Under the circumstances you've had this info given to you there is not a chance I would advise you to go into the school.

I would focus on your dd and calm down. If you go in there all guns blazing & you're wrong then you'll feel very foolish.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 16:47

I would be inclined to think that it is your EX that has issues with 'mummy's male friend' not the school or your DD.

I would proceed with caution and maybe speak to the teacher along the lines of ' Does DD appear to be settled at school?' If asked why say that EX mentioned that you (teacher) had spoken to DD and you wondered if there was anything you needed to know.

Never trust an abusive ex OP. If they were abusive before being an EX just because you are not with them doesn't stop them from doing it again.

RedRoom · 07/04/2014 16:47

There is every chance that he is doing this to manipulate you and that the teacher never said this at all: think about the nature of the 'concern': that your dd is upset by your new man- who doesn't exist and who your dd doesn't even think of as mummy's boyfriend. He could well be fabricating this to fish about and see if you have met someone, or make you feel guilty. I'd begin by asking the teacher if this conversation even happened.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 16:50

I wouldn't go in there guns blazing. I am angry, but that is not the way I conduct myself. I would go in and ask to be told the same as my Ex. If there was mention of my friend I would then challenge her on that.

Yes You I get that, but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to figure out what is wrong when there has been no change in her behaviour at home, and when asked, the times she has been sad have been at school. Surely they should consider that the changes might be at school. She's told me she cried a lot at school today because she got in trouble and was very upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 16:51

Thank you Red and Funny I think I have to go in and be told from her what was said.

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 07/04/2014 16:57

I'd be livid that the teacher was discussing your private life with your ex. She had no right to do that and needs to be told of possible implications of her gossip.

Funnyfoot · 07/04/2014 16:57

Hope all goes well puds Smile

WilsonFrickett · 07/04/2014 17:00

The thing about the new partner is a fishing expedition from your X, I would put good money on it. He's not trying to stop you confronting the teacher because he's got you all nice and wound up...

Of course you should still talk to the school, but I wouldn't focus what was said to him - focus on what is said to you.

Goblinchild · 07/04/2014 17:03

Go in and find out what the teacher actually said, and be aware that your abusive ex might well be manipulating you. Ask calmly and then decide if you want to be 'fucking livid with the school'
They are worried about your daughter's well-being and have noticed that something is bothering her. That's good, isn't it?
Unless he's making it all up of course.

UncleT · 07/04/2014 17:08

Agree that it's essential to calmly find out what the was actually said from the teacher before deciding further. IF his version is accurate then you'd have every reason to be hacked off with teacher.

Original poster
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/04/2014 17:11

Thank you Funny Smile

Yes I think I'll go in tomorrow after school and have a word with the teacher then about it. I will just asked to be told what her concerns are and go from there.

Thank you for your advice Thanks

OP posts: