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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made some friends?

97 replies

normaleggy · 06/04/2014 21:59

I see a lot of posts on here by women worrying about their husband's friendship with other women, most of which are met with several 'yanbu, I'd be pissed off, he's out of order' type comments. Well I'm a single mother (for 2 1/2 years) and I have spent all that time rebuilding my life and confidence and trying to remember the person I was before exh wore me down.

In the last year I've become really good friends with a group of people that I met through some old school friends, and because I have quite 'male' tastes and sense of humour, I get on particularly well with the men in that group. I'm often chatting via text or Facebook messenger with them and there is nothing sexual in it at all just silly jokes and comments. But they are all married and when I was talking to my friend the other day she said she would find that uncomfortable and another agreed with her. But why is that? I don't fancy any of them and even if I did I wouldn't act on it because I'm not that person. We do talk quite late at night sometimes but its still very innocent. As far as I'm concerned they are just very good friends who happen to be blokes, so am I in the wrong for this? It's just harmless isn't it, would you be pissed off?

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 06/04/2014 22:03

"she said she would find it uncomfortable"
"would you be pissed off"

Neither of these opinions, your friend's, or ours, is relevant in the slightest. You are not us, your friend is not you.
Are you hurting anyone? Nope. (I am assuming, please do correct me if you are)

Carry on as you are.

HecatePropylaea · 06/04/2014 22:04

would I be pissed off if my husband was developing a close friendship with another woman, texting, fbing and joking around with her on a daily/regular basis and having late night computer chats?

Yes.

It may be unreasonable but I am sure you didn't ask the question so that we would lie to you Grin

I would be totally unreasonable and irrational and upset and paranoid. It would hurt me if my husband was texting and getting lots of texts from a woman he appeared to be really emotionally connected to.

I realise it is pathetic, but there you go.

Valdeeves · 06/04/2014 22:05

Are their wives part of this group?
It wouldn't bother me.

Valdeeves · 06/04/2014 22:05

Have you got a partner?

Original poster
normaleggy · 06/04/2014 22:10

Their wives are part of the group but I don't really chat to them much unless we are all together, I'm friends with them on fb but they don't like or comment on my stuff or anything. I'd hate to think they thought I was sniffing around because I'm genuinely not but then if they did think that I still don't see that that would be because I've done anything wrong. Are you not allowed to make friends of the opposite sex anymore once you are married then? I find that very odd and old fashioned.

No I don't have a partner, does that make a difference?

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 06/04/2014 22:14

Well of course you're allowed Grin you can't prevent an adult from being friends with whoever they choose.

You asked would people be pissed off.

Some would, some wouldn't.

Like I say, I'd hate it. It would hurt and upset me greatly. That isn't the same thing as you doing 'something wrong'. It's just feelings.

I hope my husband wouldn't choose to behave in a way that would hurt me, but 'allowed'? yes. what could I do? ground him? confiscate his phone? Grin

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2014 22:16

I'm probably being unreasonable but I wouldn't like it if I'm honest.
I trust my DH completely and am confident that even if someone chucked the self at him ( not suggesting you are doing that with these men OP) he would never be unfaithful - he would probably be horrified to be honest.
Even so him having long chats etc with a woman, particularly a single one would make me a bit uncomfortable.

Original poster
normaleggy · 06/04/2014 22:29

I don't really understand though, if you completely trust your husband then what would the problem be? Should I be cut out of people's lives because I'm single?

OP posts:
unicornpoop · 06/04/2014 22:57

I think its a very personal thing, some of their wives may not mind, others might. DP has lots and lots of female friends, more than he has male friends and a lot of his male friends are gay. I found it a bit un nerving at first when we first met, its not something thats typical, in my experience anyway. Used to make me wonder if they were all girls he wished he could pull and instead got put in the friend zone. Its made me push some of my boundaries because I used to be very paranoid about stuff like that.( At first I felt quite angry towards certain friends of his that happen to be female because they knew he had a girlfriend and I personally wouldnt for example hug a male friend if they had a partner, out of respect to their partner.) Im ok with it now, he is only in contact with them via facebook updates/occasional facebook comments. He rarely messages any of them on facebook or texts them. He's not a very 'blokey bloke', not into football and stuff. He gets on better with women, hes a bit sensitive bless 'im Grin and I totally get that. Its part of who he is. Recently one of his (single) female friend's dad died. He felt awful for her, hes known her since childhood and he went round for a chat and to see how shes coping etc. He specifically mentioned that he would likely give her a hug before he went as if to clear it with me first which I thought was quite sweet. Although I doubt I could have stopped him if I did have a problem with it because its someone he really cares about.

I have to say though that I would start to find it bit upsetting if there was one that he started getting very close to/spending a lot of time with/privately messaging all the time. There a certain boundaries and each person has different ones I guess.

WelshMaenad · 06/04/2014 23:03

My dh has a close friendly relationship with a number of females, mostly from work. He and some girl from HQ have some long running in joke going about minions, they fb message and so forth. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'm going out for a beer with my ex when he moves back here later this month. Doesn't bother him in the slightest. Do people really get hung up on stuff like this?

senua · 06/04/2014 23:09

I don't mind DH being friendly with a female. But I would be wary of a female who only had male friends, no female friends (as per your second post).

VanitasVanitatum · 06/04/2014 23:09

My dp has several female friends. Most of them I have no problem with at all, whenever they message him, as I can see they have only platonic feelings for him. One of them upsets me a lot, because she flirts with him, especially when she's drunk. He ignores those messages, but they work closely together so they do spend time together. I trust him, but it bothers me.

Burren · 06/04/2014 23:23

I would be wary of a man who didn't have good female friends, to be honest. My husband's closest one-one friends are female, and one of my closest friends is a male colleague with whom I've spent huge amounts of time when we were both doing an international commute with our spouses in another country. No hint of sex, and his wife and I are on excellent terms.

There's something kind of grubby and mean-minded, for me, in the idea that there's anything dangerous or inappropriate in close male-female friendships. Or that spouses get to have a veto on friendships. I am perfectly capable of going for dinner with a male friend without accidentally falling onto his cock.

wouldbemedic · 06/04/2014 23:32

These threads are always taken over.

I would mind and I don't think I'm being unreasonable in that. But others will think it is very, very unreasonable to care about such things.

Burren · 06/04/2014 23:45

What do you mean by these threads always being 'taken over', wooldbe? Maybe people who are bothered by their spouses' opposite-sex friendships are just in a minority?

Burren · 06/04/2014 23:46

Wouldbe, not wooldbe.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 07/04/2014 00:04

I think the majority of male/female friendships are totally innocent but sometimes there are friendships that can develop into something more intimate than they should be.

If a woman is generally happy about her DH having female friends but isn't sure about one specific friendship then I think she should listen to her instincts.

I have to disagree with you OP when you say most replies are of the YANBU variety. I've found quite the opposite.

Balaboosta · 07/04/2014 00:30

I'm in your position OP - available woman surrounded by couples - but I think you need to accept that there are boundaries you are crossing. You can cry out "why? I don't understand!" but i think private messaging a husband and not the wife late at night crosses an unspoken line. If you think it's okay, then sure, carry on. But sooner or later you're going to step on somebody's toes. If you don't mind that, then so be it. Then again, I am led to believe that many couples are bored and may be up for all sorts of fun and games!

beanella · 07/04/2014 00:43

Balaboosta is right OP. I think you know on some level that this is unspoken uncomfortable territory for many people. Some not,clearly. Culturally though, a marriage is a marriage and it has boundaries around it. If you can honestly say that your behavior isn't crossing those boundaries, then carry on.

You could make yourself unpopular. I'm always personally a little wary of women that dont seem to like other women very much or find them difficult to get on with. I'm not sure why. i think its because i really like female company and 'being' female and dont understand why other women cant find the companionship, friendship and support offers a really nice thing!

Mind you, if you have been ground down for years by exdh i guess you might be quite cut off from enjoying the company of other women. Self esteem can be battered being around other women so sometines the camaraderie of men is easier.

Do be careful Thanks good luck

Caitlin17 · 07/04/2014 00:45

I have absolutely no problem with my husband having female friends and he has no problem with my having male friends.

I do however have a teeny problem with this comment

"because I have quite 'male' tastes and sense of humour, I get on particularly well with the men in that group."

Don't really know what you're on about. I'm not aware of any of my friends making such distinctions. Are you one of these women who pride themselves on being "a man's woman"?

Purplepoodle · 07/04/2014 00:52

Wives get paranoid because it does happen. Close other sex friendships with girl/guy you didn't think you could ever fancy can suddenly change when you see them in a new light ect. A deep friendship can easily turn romantic as that's the perfect base of strong romantic relationships. all it takes is for you to having be having a bumpy bit in your marriage and that close other sex friend can look very appealing even if the feelings are misplaced

PansOnFire · 07/04/2014 00:55

The platonic feelings about the friendship have to be reciprocated, any hint that they're not is heading for trouble. I'm wary of women who are very friendly with men rather than other women.

sykadelic · 07/04/2014 00:58

As far as I'm concerned they are just very good friends who happen to be blokes, so am I in the wrong for this? It's just harmless isn't it, would you be pissed off?

In the wrong? No. You can be friends with whoever you want. Harmless, depends on how their wives feel. If the wives have no problem, then no problem.

Would I be pissed off? Depends entirely on whether I know you, how you act towards me and whether there's transparency from my husband. I have to admit I would be wary at first. I would suspect you of trying to hit on my husband and probably would never fully trust you. I also wouldn't want DH to go out to dinner and a movie with "just you". Too many people would think that was a date and I don't like gossip.

Caitlin17 · 07/04/2014 01:05

I'd not be bothered about you going out for a meal with mine without me. My husband has a couple of female friends he does that with. They're vaguely work connections and not close. Of our mutual friends I'd go as well if it was a film I wanted to see but happy for him to go without me.

Like PansonFire I'm wary of women who make a thing of how they get on so well with men but not other women. As I said I've no idea what you mean by "male" tastes. My and indeed his friends just seem to like the same things.

MyPrettyToes · 07/04/2014 01:06

male' tastes and sense of humour, I get on particularly well with the men in that group

I don't understand this type of statement from women. This type of statement always make me a bit Hmm.

The only women I have heard say this tend to have self esteem issues, and for whatever reasons cannot/do not want to make friends with women not because the women around them do not share their sense of humour but because they either do not like women and/or the women around them make them feel insecure.