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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have made some friends?

97 replies

normaleggy · 06/04/2014 21:59

I see a lot of posts on here by women worrying about their husband's friendship with other women, most of which are met with several 'yanbu, I'd be pissed off, he's out of order' type comments. Well I'm a single mother (for 2 1/2 years) and I have spent all that time rebuilding my life and confidence and trying to remember the person I was before exh wore me down.

In the last year I've become really good friends with a group of people that I met through some old school friends, and because I have quite 'male' tastes and sense of humour, I get on particularly well with the men in that group. I'm often chatting via text or Facebook messenger with them and there is nothing sexual in it at all just silly jokes and comments. But they are all married and when I was talking to my friend the other day she said she would find that uncomfortable and another agreed with her. But why is that? I don't fancy any of them and even if I did I wouldn't act on it because I'm not that person. We do talk quite late at night sometimes but its still very innocent. As far as I'm concerned they are just very good friends who happen to be blokes, so am I in the wrong for this? It's just harmless isn't it, would you be pissed off?

OP posts:

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 07:48

Can I ask, do some of you not believe me that I have no interest in them?

OP posts:

TruffleOil · 08/04/2014 07:49

I believe you, but I think you're inevitably going to be viewed as a predator.

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 07:50

No sexual banter whatsoever. Not even a hint of it from either side.

OP posts:

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 07:53

Thanks truffle. Sad isn't it, that in any be friends with who I like because I'm single.

Ok I'm going to turn this around and confess something - since being single I've had a couple of sexual encounters involving women (single ones) so therefore should I not be talking to my married female friends either in case they think I'm being flirty and decide to act on it?

OP posts:

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 07:56

I can't be friends that should say

OP posts:

TruffleOil · 08/04/2014 07:58

since being single I've had a couple of sexual encounters involving women (single ones) so therefore should I not be talking to my married female friends either in case they think I'm being flirty and decide to act on it?

I think you must know it doesn't work like that!

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 08:01

But why not? What's the difference? If I'm the predator people think I might be who's to say I wouldn't be tempting the women to cheat on their husbands? Should I just avoid married people altogether?

OP posts:

GuineaPigGaiters · 08/04/2014 08:01

You had my sympathies and support right up until you wrote

'Should marriage always take precedent over friendship? Is marriage the ultimate human relationship?'

Uhhhhh, YES, because marriage between two people should be the central relationship of their lives and it should take precedence over any friendship. The minute a persons friendship becomes more important than their marriage then it is weakened. If my husband repeatedly out his friends needs before mine (and note I say repeatedly because there are occasions, like death of someone close, where I would totally expect him to be there for a friend)

Now don't get me wrong, I think there is room for VERY strong friendships alongside a marriage, but none should take precedence over it, and if you don't understand this then you ARE a danger to a marriage, and not a support to it.

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 08:05

My point isn't that friends should always be put first to the detriment of the marriage, I don't think I said that, but I don't see why friendships should end and new ones not be formed because people are married.

OP posts:

neontetra · 08/04/2014 08:07

OP of course you can be friends with people of either gender. I don't know anyone in RL who would dispute this.
Someone up thread said that politics is a male interest - now that is U! And of more concern than a woman being friends with some men, in my opinion.

oranges · 08/04/2014 08:10

why are you even bothering to ask a group of women you don't know about this? You seem to not care about the opinion of any women, even the ones in your friendship group, so it really doesn't matter what we all think, does it? Just carry on as you are.

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 08:17

Yes I hate women, I think they're all mindless twats except me, that's exactly what I said isn't it....

Thank you neon, I find it hard to believe that it is such an issue but there we are.

OP posts:

Tweasels · 08/04/2014 08:22

How would you feel if you were happily married and a new single woman entered your friendship group and evidently found you boring but was texting and FBing with your husband till all hours if the night.

Honestly, would you just shrug your shoulders?

DH and I both have a mixture of male and female friends. DH is still very close to an ex who is single and my best friend and work is a bloke. Yet none of those friendships are what you are describing.

Having opposite sex friends is normal and fine but I do think you have a distorted view of how you are behaving. I think it could easily be misconstrued as predatory. If you want these friendships to be successful I would make an effort to be more inclusive of the whole group and stop the late night texts.

skaen · 08/04/2014 08:35

I wouldn't be bothered by the friendship. I would be bothered by the texting as DH doesn't have a text / IM/ FB messaging relationship with anyone. I get the most texts to let me know when he's heading home. So if anyone male or female starting trying to develop a messaging relationship, particularly late at night, I would not be very impressed.

Original poster

normaleggy · 08/04/2014 08:36

I would make an effort to get to know her but now I think about it you've all vilified me for apparently not making an effort (despite the fact I've said several times that I do) but actually they've not made an effort to get to know me at all. I join in with their conversations but not once can I actually recall any of them asking me about my life or my kids, never. Hmmm..

Well it looks like I will just be labelled as predatory just for being single, how very Daily Mail.

OP posts:

oakmouse · 08/04/2014 08:57

I'm obviously not typical here as I don't have any problem with dh texting female friends at night. When else would he do it? At work, or when with the kids, or while putting them to bed?

I have often sent text messages at night expecting them to be picked up the next day and replied to whenever convenient. My friends do the same. That's what I like about texting - it isn't intrusive. As it happens all my close friends are female atm but I must admit I wouldn't have given the gender a thought.

There is a totally different "vibe" about an EA. For me there is no difference between a male and female friend and tbh I don't think fidelity that has to be policed is worth much.

On the other hand I seem to be in the minority here so if I were you, I would listen to the others rather than me as to what is appropriate!

gamerchick · 08/04/2014 09:00

It doesn't matter what anybody says because you're just not interested in anybody else's opinion.

As long as you recognise that some wives might take exception to you messaging their blokes and you do the decent thing and back Off if that happens without arguing the toss about being an innocent friend then you've got nothing to worry about.

Calloh · 08/04/2014 09:02

No one has said you are predatory. Everyone has accepted that you don't fancy these men and have made an effort with their wives.

People have said:

a) messaging someone late at night could, under certain circumstances, make that person's spouse feel uncomfortable and be construed as predatory.

b) marriage IS the ultimate human relationship but doesn't prevent new friendships being formed with either sex.

c) an interest in politics is not a masculine trait and you are being a bit unreasonable to label these women as boring and the men as interesting. Maybe they were talking about children as it was a common denominator and meant you could easily be included. I do accept though that they might be the world's most boring women but it seems unlikely if they are married to interesting men.

Caitlin17 · 08/04/2014 09:10

You've done a fair bit of backtracking about the women as you were very dismissive of them to begin with. I agree with Calloh it does seem odd all these interesting men are married to boring women. As for not having anything in common with them, well that's clearly not the case, you have the husbands in common.

EBearhug · 08/04/2014 09:16

Given the reaction you've had on this thread, maybe you give off subtle signals about your attitude to all this (which you may not be aware of yourself), and this puts people on their guard around you.

I have no idea who you are, but if I got an impression of you in real life as I have on this thread - well, I'm not feeling a sense of trust or warm glow of friendliness, and I'd be wary of getting involved, and so I wouldn't want my partner to get too involved, either.

We don't always see ourselves as others do; I was totally taken aback when I heard one of the teams I deal with at work see me as scary - but they don't see all the doubt and questioning that goes on in my head.

KeatsiePie · 08/04/2014 09:32

I'm not adding things you haven't said. You've been misreading my posts. And as Caitlin said your position on how you treat the women has wandered around quite a bit.

aderynlas · 08/04/2014 09:41

If you were talking to my dh he would be chatting about the stuff you seem to get from the women in your group. If you spoke to me it would be mostly football. As a disclaimer i love my family and have other things that im interested in. Im sure this would be the case with your friends if you chat to them.

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