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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have refused to be dominated by this man, and be shocked that other were encouraging me to do so?

85 replies

MamaPain · 06/04/2014 20:35

Earlier today I had a row with a man in a local car park. I won't explain the specifics as its hard unless you know this individual car park, in summary, I was in the right and had right of way and he was driving dangerously and selfishly. All passers by agreed that I was in fact in the right.

There were two resolutions available, one meant me taking action and ending up being inconvenienced (also as I was going to be parking for some time, visiting my sister it may have left me liable to a fine) and the other meant him taking action and being inconvenienced. This guy, quite quickly became very aggressive (shouting, swearing and throwing his weight around) and demanded that I be the one to move.

When I refused, the (small) group of people that had gathered , encouraged me to bow to this guy's will because I apparently 'didn't stand a chance against him". I was basically being encouraged to be the 'bigger person' and walk away, despite being in the right and despite the fact that walking away would have inconvenienced me. WIBU to refuse to be physically intimidated and bullied by this tosser?

I genuinely don't know, as after it was all over this woman and a couple, slightly berated me saying this guy could have hurt me, am I stupid etc etc. Is this how we're dealing with bullying now, just allowing the person who shouts loudest to get their own way?

OP posts:

Joules68 · 06/04/2014 20:37

Who knows. You haven't gone into detail and we only have your side if the (half) story. Never worth putting yourself at risk tho

Original poster

MamaPain · 06/04/2014 20:38

Having just re-read my title, realised some of you might be expecting something slightly different. Sorry no Christian Grey action here, although would have quite happily taken the prick to task with a few whips and chains

OP posts:

TittyMcFartyFlaps · 06/04/2014 20:39

Doesn't sound right but can you explain what you were arguing about?

BranchingOut · 06/04/2014 20:42

I think you can only size up these situations at the time.

There is no satisfaction in being right if you have also got hurt.

Better to report him perhaps?

Original poster

MamaPain · 06/04/2014 20:42

Joules its not really about the details of who was right and wrong, more that I think I was just encouraged to back down because I wan't the one spitting my dummy out (and most probably because I'm a woman) I know I'm small but I don't think DH or a small man would have been told he was right then encouraged to back down.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 06/04/2014 20:44

I can see exactly why you were annoyed. But in a way the passers by were right. These things can escalate so quickly and it really isn't worth getting injured or worse over a parking dispute. I would have found it hard to walk away if I was in the right but I think I would have under these circumstances.

rookiemater · 06/04/2014 20:46

It sounds like they were worried about you getting hurt and YABU for having such an exciting thread title which doesn't deliver on it's promise !

PansOnFire · 06/04/2014 20:47

Nothing is worth your safety, I see your point but one person standing up to him is not going to make him change his bullying personality. He doesn't know you and doesn't care what you think of him.

Original poster

MamaPain · 06/04/2014 20:48

Ok, as people seem to care, this is the best way I can explain it:

The car park is very small, and in an area where sparking is limited. There was at that point people queuing for the next free space. So I was in the queue and the space became free, i drove towards it and this guy, who was at the back of the queue, cut round the other way so that we both tried to drive into the space at the same time. Our cars were facing each other, he had pretty much driven up on the pavement to do this and his car was hanging out the front of the space onto the pavement. My car was hanging out the back of the space, meaning that no other cars could pass through that part of the car park. At that point there were no other spaces (and none became free whilst we were arguing) so I said he needed to move and he was trying to bully me to accept his queue jumping. There was no question I had the moral high ground which was obviously why he kicked off.

OP posts:

SJisontheway · 06/04/2014 20:50

Some people are unhinged. People have been beaten to death over trivial road rage incidents. It sounds like you had the moral highground, but when dealing with unstable individuals, sometimes backing down may be the wisest option. It sounds like the bystanders were concerned for your safety.

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2014 20:51

I know I'm small but I don't think DH or a small man would have been told he was right then encouraged to back down.

Really?

I've heard that a lot in volatile situations..."Come on mate just leave it, he's not worth it" or "Come on mate, it's not worth getting hurt over".

Sometimes you just need to weigh a situation up and if that results in backing down, who really cares? It's not like you live with the guy.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 06/04/2014 20:51

Nope, YANBU, I'd have stood my ground too and the fact that I was being encouraged to let a bully win would have spurred me on even more.

fluffyraggies · 06/04/2014 20:52

He jumped the queue; he was in the wrong.

Cannot stand queue jumpers!

HecatePropylaea · 06/04/2014 20:52

Perhaps it was because they felt he was out of control and posed a risk to you?

You can be as right as you like, but if you're right from your hospital bed, then you came off worst!

Ideally people wouldn't be aggressive arseholes but it sounds like he was so nasty that passers by had a genuine fear for your safety.

Shouting is shouting, we can all deal with being shouted at, but if this guy would have become violent?

I would encourage someone to walk away if I felt that they were at risk of harm.

I may even call the police, if I felt the situation was so bad.

But I wouldn't support someone to stand their ground regardless the risk. Sometimes you do have to walk away even if you are right, because being safe is more important.

Of course, if you and they knew for a fact that he was all bluster and there was zero chance of him assaulting you, then fair enough, they should not have been encouraging you to give in to him.

CoffeeTea103 · 06/04/2014 20:52

Yes you were stupid to put yourself at risk when it was evident that this man could become very aggressive. Sometimes you should walk away in these situations.

Original poster

MamaPain · 06/04/2014 20:53

I did not feel genuinely threatened or intimidated at any time. I don't know if its because I've spent time around people who are (unfortunately) violent and seriously intimidating but this guy seemed to me to be all talk. He was not that big (but again I'm used to 6ft5 gym love DH) and its to like he came across as a killer or anything.

I think my radar might be a bit off as I am someone who has got into fights before and I have had anger management counselling about 10 years ago as a result of one of these incidents, so I know there is an element of my character that wants to take on the world, but seriously would not one of you have told him to fuck right off?

OP posts:

Joules68 · 06/04/2014 20:53

So what did he say? Clearly he was wrong..... But how was he trying to justify himself?

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2014 20:53

Well it's hard to tell from your description but being right doesn't stop you from getting hurt.
No point feeling morally justified from your hospital bed IMO!!!
I'm no pushover but if I thought there was a risk of physical harm I would walk away. Perhaps the bystanders were worried you would get hurt?

2plus1plus1 · 06/04/2014 20:54

So what happened when you refused to move? Who eventually backed down? Just curious.

And no I would have refused to back down in those circumstances - but I'm a stubborn bugger who firmly believes that if I'm right then I'm right!

eddielizzard · 06/04/2014 20:55

good for you for standing your ground.

i absolutely believe that you should stand up to bullies. he was in the wrong and if he decided to assault you he would be arrested. we as a nation, should be standing up for ourselves much more. i'm sick of this 'keep the peace' crap. this is why bullies get away with it!

WorraLiberty · 06/04/2014 20:55

How many fights have you been in before and why?

kotinka · 06/04/2014 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecatePropylaea · 06/04/2014 20:58

Well, that's a different question from your op now, isn't it? That's personal choice / personal safety not onlooker responsibility. I probably would have told him to, yes.

but I would not encourage or support someone else to fight their corner in a situation where there was a risk to them. I would try to calm the situation down and I would say to someone who was right to walk away if it looked like there was a chance they could get hurt.

If I want to fight my way, that's up to me, but you were asking if the passers by were unreasonable. That's a different kettle of fish. iyswim.

HecatePropylaea · 06/04/2014 20:59

I realise your title was also about you not backing down, but I mean the main point of your op which was other people encouraging you to walk away, iyswim.

hiddenhome · 06/04/2014 21:00

Bullies shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. I think I'd have parked where I was and just walked away, blocking the car park if necessary.

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