To have refused to be dominated by this man, and be shocked that other were encouraging me to do so?

[MamaPain]

Earlier today I had a row with a man in a local car park. I won't explain the specifics as its hard unless you know this individual car park, in summary, I was in the right and had right of way and he was driving dangerously and selfishly. All passers by agreed that I was in fact in the right.

There were two resolutions available, one meant me taking action and ending up being inconvenienced (also as I was going to be parking for some time, visiting my sister it may have left me liable to a fine) and the other meant him taking action and being inconvenienced. This guy, quite quickly became very aggressive (shouting, swearing and throwing his weight around) and demanded that I be the one to move.

When I refused, the (small) group of people that had gathered , encouraged me to bow to this guy's will because I apparently 'didn't stand a chance against him". I was basically being encouraged to be the 'bigger person' and walk away, despite being in the right and despite the fact that walking away would have inconvenienced me. WIBU to refuse to be physically intimidated and bullied by this tosser?

I genuinely don't know, as after it was all over this woman and a couple, slightly berated me saying this guy could have hurt me, am I stupid etc etc. Is this how we're dealing with bullying now, just allowing the person who shouts loudest to get their own way?

in principle i agree with you op and it is an admirable sentiment, in practice however, you could put yourself in danger.

I am essentially a scaredy cat, and i hope i would have locked myself in the car and phoned the police telling them i was scared as a man was being threatening towards me

yes i think that is what i may have done

OP, I'm a medium sized woman. But I refuse to be bullied by men (or women) like this. A man once got out of his car at traffic lights to come up to my car to start shouting at me and gesticulating and all sorts, for some perceived slight back up the road.

I sat watching him calmly while my own rage built then when he went back to his car, got out and went up to his car and roared back at him, pointing out the folly of his ways. I was so enraged at being spoken to like that I could have taken on an army. It is a wonder the ground didn't move with the vent of my fury. He actually started shaking in his seat, went pale and said the words "Don't tell my wife".

How I would have found out who his wife was I don't know, but perhaps he had past form.

I then went calmly back to my car and drove off. All the people in the queue of cars behind me sat and watched.

Mamapain I'm like you though. I come from a very rough estate where being quite timid and accepting got you nowhere. So it's ingrained in me! . However I think the phrase 'choose your battles wisely' is appropriate here and is probably what the bystanders were trying to say. In a not very nice way.

YANBU - I wouldn't have backed down either but I'm a bit fighty too

You were driving so why does your sexuality or stature matter?

Reading your OP, my instinct would have been to do what you did. I don't have any history of anger problems or getting into fights, but my will to stand up to bullies and for things to be just is apparently bigger than my instinct to stay safe, heh.

I have, before, stopped a fight by simply shouting, "OI!" with no thought about what I was planning to do (luckily, apparently, that seemed to work), have walked home from the city centre in the middle of the night (I'm female and tiny), and have challenged a man being emotionally abusive to a child.

There has been a time when I would have liked to challenge some aggressive men, but as I had just seen the results of them (I think) beating up another man, they were ranting racist comments against my race and I was on the top deck of the bus alone with them, in that situation I chose to chat to them like there was nothing unusual when they started talking to me. As a result I got home safe - and on the occasions when I saw them again afterwards. It wasn't the right place to challenge there.

So, eh. I'm not suicidal but I would probably go further than most.

Ha Melonade, I may have done something similar involving a Sainsburys trolley. I do think I'm better now, but up until the age of 30 there was definitely a red mist that could descend.

Misspixietrix, I am exactly the same in my experiences. I grew up with the belief that once you're a victim you become a target and I just cannot break from that mentality easily. It feels totally ingrained in me to not back down.

I think thats why I was so confused by today, it made me feel like I was in a parallel universe. I was just stood there saying "but I was right".

This wasn't in Wimbledon was it?

I think you were right to do as you did. A person would have to be genuinely unhinged to attack another person with an audience and regardless of the witnesses saying "Well we told her to leave it!", he would have been in massive trouble for doing so.

And before anyone says, there are, realistically, not that many honestly crazy enough people in society in any given region for this to have been likely.

OP you will have done a quick risk assessment in your head, probably without even realising it and then taken the course of action you felt was most appropriate. Good for you - I would have openly and vocally supported you.

MrTumbles this was in Tottenham. Thanks Meow75, am feeling less ridiculous after this thread.

Good for you, OP. Wish more people were like you. Bullies need to be kicked into touch.

It's all very well being in the right but there are enough people out there for whom the red mist descends who will then start attacking, knifing etc without thinking of the consequences that I think what you did was a bit foolish.

He does sound like a total prick though.

Oh dear, I'm a stubborn doc and would've stood my ground to the death, lol

To answer your two questions, OP:

1) Was IBU to refuse to be dominated by this man? No, you were definitely not BU, I would have done the same. Unless people stand up to bullying self-absorbed wankers like this they will keep on behaving as if the planet owes them everything.

2. Was IBU to be surprised other encouraged me to do so? Sadly, yes. This is not a nation of forthcoming people, no-one seems to want to stand up to bullies or fight for what's right - there's a massive mentality of backing down "for the quiet life", to not make a scene or wanting to upset other people even if they're bullying wankers.

Which completely explains why everyone is just sitting meekly by like sheep while the government screws us over so utterly.

Yesterday afternoon (Weird that you post this, was debating whether to start a thread about it!) we were trying to find a spot in a car park.

Found one which had a woman standing in it, so I edged forward and wound down my window to ask her to stand to one side as I didnt want to hit her. She starting shouing "NO NO!! THis is taken! I am saving this!!!!" I said that I was sorry but I was parking here as there was no car in it. She really started yelling and said she wouldnt move, so I said that I wasnt moving either, so her DP wouldnt be able to park here either way!

She got really sweary but I just sat there until she called me a selfish fucking bitch and stormed off. I then heard "YEAH I DID BUT THAT FUCKING BITCH STOLE IT!!!" presumably at whoever she was saving the space for.

YWNBU and neither was I!

I cant stand selfish people or bullies, and they were both!

My instinct is to fight too and I have done some stupid things in the past (chasing a robber at 7 months pregnant anyone?). But I have to say my motto these days is "is it worth the shot?". I feel satisfied for you that you won out against a bully, but it may not have been worth the shot if he had turned violent.

A person would have had to be genuinely unhinged to attack another person with an audience . I agree but there's many unhinged people around There was a story in our local paper recently about a woman's ex who attacked her outside the school. With an audience. I think this is what the bystanders were trying to say to the OP.

OP I am with you. I would have done similar and stood my ground, hate bullies!

Is it worth contacting the car park owner about the incident whilst it is still on CCTV? That bloke probably has done this before and will continue to intimidate others unless addressed.

it's a shame not a single one of the by-standers had sufficient prescence of mind to loudly state they were calling the police / go and get help, which might have diffused the situation between the OP and the 'bargee'.

that intervention by a neutral third party might have been more constructive/supportive in to a safe de-escalation of an inflamed situation than fuelling an already emotionally charged one.

hope you are feeling OK, it's quite a delayed shock after the event...

Hope you're feeling ok. Your story has reminded me of something that happened to me.

A few years ago I was driving out of a small car park by a shop by a busy road. It's just round the corner from my house and I'd just stopped in to pick up some supplies on our way home from and outing. DM was in the passenger seat and DS was in the back. I needed to turn right, but there was a large vehicle with a trailer full of scrap metal parked half on the pavement, blocking my view of the road. One of the men driving it was in the shop, while his friend was sat in the cab in the passenger seat with the door open. I asked him (shouted through the window using nice polite voice) to close the door so I could see past it from behind, but he didn't seem to understand what I was saying.

His mate then joined him and waved me past. I inched out and could have been involved in a serious smash as it wasn't at all safe. I was furious. I pulled over and got out, because I wanted to say that he could have caused a serious accident. The man (who'd waved me on) then got out, and before I could say anything starting calling me all the names under the sun, culminating in him yelling furiously at me 'Come any closer you fucking fat ugly bitch, and I'll kill you'.

I didn't go any closer, I was too scared to. My Mum and some neighbours came out of the houses and came to stand with me,asking me if I was ok etc. He eventually got back into his vehicle and drove off, whilst gesticulating and swearing at me out of the window.

I was really shaken, and the memory of it is still horrible. I do think if I'd have gone over to speak to him he'd have hurt me. I'm quite feisty but since then I vowed that I'll never get out of the car if I've been involved in an altercation. I hate bullies but I'm all about self preservation.

However, if I'd have been a bystander in your case I'd like to think that I'd stand with you. My neighbours were brilliant and there were mobile phones being produced which I think is what caused him to drive away.

I agree that the expectation is that you'll back down because you're a women and that's likely to make me more stubborn.
However I flip between standing my ground and not giving in because of a furious sense of injustice vs. thinking of the newspaper headline 'woman stabbed/attacked/etc over parking space'.

I often boils down to whether I'm feeling grumpy or chilled on a particular day.

I would not have backed down, partly because I would have been in the right, and partly because it sounds like there were plenty of witnesses. The chances of getting a knuckle sandwich were pretty slim.

I don't know about these sorts of situations any more.

In theory, yes, it's not worth engaging the crazy. But in practice I too don't back down and don't see why anyone should get away with bullying me. If it's just verbal, on the whole, I'm the bigger person (or just tell myself what a twonk they are) and ignore it. At least, I try to. But this man was actually doing something to inconvenience you - really pushing you around on purpose. I lived on a very dodgy estate for over 10 years and if you didn't stand up for yourself you were mincemeat. It did teach me that bullies normally back down. I hate the way they assume everyone will be frightened of them. Bollocks to that.

Here lies the body of William Jay
Who died maintaining his right of way -
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he's just as dead as if he were wrong.

Yanbu at all... You were right for standing up to him! As an onlooker I wouldn't get involved at all though, unless to call police if I thought it was necessary!

I can't stand injustice and this albeit on a small scale, was unjust. You had queued and waited, he hadn't.

My gut is that I would have acted the same as you OP. However, sadly so many people are right, you just don't know who are dealing with.

My 65 year old DF (who uses crutches) was punched in a carpark the week before Christmas over a similar thing. No one stopped to help and we live in a naice area. Luckily he walked away but it could have been much worse. It made me think that being right doesn't matter.

There are so many people with such anger these days. I just console myself with the fact that they must have some pretty big issues to behave like such a twat and I actually have a really good life! Doesn't make it right though that people like this get away with it.

Oh and no, if you had been a big bloke I don't think the other bloke would have reacted the same. Bullies never like confrontation, as your actions show when he slunk off.