To have refused to be dominated by this man, and be shocked that other were encouraging me to do so?

[MamaPain]

Earlier today I had a row with a man in a local car park. I won't explain the specifics as its hard unless you know this individual car park, in summary, I was in the right and had right of way and he was driving dangerously and selfishly. All passers by agreed that I was in fact in the right.

There were two resolutions available, one meant me taking action and ending up being inconvenienced (also as I was going to be parking for some time, visiting my sister it may have left me liable to a fine) and the other meant him taking action and being inconvenienced. This guy, quite quickly became very aggressive (shouting, swearing and throwing his weight around) and demanded that I be the one to move.

When I refused, the (small) group of people that had gathered , encouraged me to bow to this guy's will because I apparently 'didn't stand a chance against him". I was basically being encouraged to be the 'bigger person' and walk away, despite being in the right and despite the fact that walking away would have inconvenienced me. WIBU to refuse to be physically intimidated and bullied by this tosser?

I genuinely don't know, as after it was all over this woman and a couple, slightly berated me saying this guy could have hurt me, am I stupid etc etc. Is this how we're dealing with bullying now, just allowing the person who shouts loudest to get their own way?

I would always walk away from such situations. No parking space is worth getting hurt over or acting like a thug over.

Well since you've been in many fights and have anger issues too, makes me wonder if you were just as bad as him and looking for a fight.

He backed down in the end. When it first happened, we both sort of sat staring at each other for a minute, he then started gesticulating at me and shouting MOVE, which I said no to. By the time her got out of the car, he was shouting at me to move my fucking car, am I fucking backwards or something, its his space BLAH BLAH BLAH. He didm' t actually make any valid points just that he can't be on the pavement and I need to move, he was in the space first etc.

I'm wondering what happened at the end too. I live in an inner city area and I would be very wary of getting involved in any dispute. There are a lot of unhinged and violent people around.

However you were in the right, but if this man had assaulted you, do you think any of the people there would have helped you?

hmm, it all depends on just how angry/crazy the other guy was. If he was merely a mouthy bully and not unhinged then I think you were right to stand your ground. all depends on the level of risk involved.

OP - weren't worried about leaving your car in the car park? You could have come back and found it firebombed?

I think some of you are jumping ahead, I haven't been in many fights and as I said I had anger management counselling 10 years ago. Prior to that, by age 30 I had 3 or 4 incidents where I had lost my temper. 18 months ago I did get into something with a woman who attacked my teenage son. On that occasion, I spoke to the police and it was agreed that I acted appropriately and that it wasn't a loss of control on my part.

Also my title was two questions:

1. Was IBU to refuse to be dominated by this man?
2. Was IBU to be surprised other encouraged me to do so?

If you really want to frighten people off bullying, you need to take a photo of their number plate, and suggest calling the police (verbal harassment etc.)

We are not vigilantes, but we don't need to be victims either.

Thanks for explaining it, he was totally in the wrong and well done you for standing your ground, I would have done the same.
It would have pissed me off all day if I'd let him get away with it.

Chottie I'm also in an inner city (London) and I didn't even think of that, I was on a bit of a high from him backing down. The car was fine though so he obviously was all mouth.

1. no ywnbu
2. I'm surprised as well but not everyone has a backbone.

Ignoring your situation and focusing on the actual question: Is this how we're dealing with bullying now, just allowing the person who shouts loudest to get their own way?

Yes that's exactly what society is about now. The biggest, or the loudest, or the most popular, "win". Because "it's not worth it". People like to think they're taking the moral high ground and "winning" that way but really by kowtowing to bullies we are approving of their behaviour and making them act like worse bullies when they realise it means they get their way.

Just like if people witness something bad - they don't want to get involved. They don't want to get hurt, or they don't want the trouble... and society reinforces that.

Perfect example: someone telling on criminal activity is considered a "snitch". Reporting this bad behaviour is bad. Supporting the bad behaviour is good.

Hell in a hand-basket.

~~Focusing on your situation specifically: I would have liked to have done the same thing but in reality I wouldn't because of reasons posted above :S Including that I would be worried my vehicle would be damaged while I was gone and I don't want to deal with that hassle. I know plenty of people who would have gone back later, or followed him and dealt with it then... either damaged the vehicle or the person because thugs only respond to thugs.

And yes I really do think these people wouldn't have said the same to another man. Of course I've heard men encouraged to let fights go, but (and I can't remember all the exact phrasing today) it was definitely being implied that this guy was bigger than me and I'm "only little" so I should back off despite being right.

I'm really not someone who is always looking for sexism or to be professionally offended but the way this woman kept saying "he was a big BLOKE" after, really pissed me off, she was clearly emphasising that he was a man.

Should we all be scuttling around like mice and letting these misogynistic bullies order us around just because they shout loudest or might attack us?

I agree, take a photo of the number plate, or record the whole thing in case it escalates.

Just because a bloke is big doesn't mean he's going to physically attack another person. Most of them are all mouth and trousers and need to be stood up to.

Although he was totally in the wrong, you were silly to get into the confrontation. He was an unreasonable angry queue jumper - surely you didn't expect to reason with him? I think the passers by were trying to tell you that it is not worth getting into a disagreement with a stranger like the one you describe in case he punches or knifes you etc. Think about what it would have taken for you not to stand up to him - what if he flashed a knife - would you still be pissed about bullies getting their own way? Or would you then have thought personal safety? It is never worth risking your personal safety over a parking space.

You remain inside the car, with the doors locked and record everything on your phone. They can't stab or shout their way into the car.

Thanks Titty. Sykadelic, I do think that if I had my DC with me I might have done as you've said and been the one to back down, although I would have felt thoroughly conflicted as I'm always saying they should stick up for themselves, don't be a victim etc.

It's difficult. I sympathise with you, and would say my personal desire is to stand my ground, but I often do make the call that it's not worth it.

I hate that, but I've learned to take a deep breath & say "more important things to fight, I don't need to win everything" and then really let it go. In my mind, the best "revenge" is a life well lived, IYSWIM, so not letting it spoil my day is winning.

I do hate bullies though. I don't think I'd have agreed with the bystanders reaction afterwards (i.e. telling you you were wrong), though I might've been one of those trying to quietly suggest you back down, I don't know - impossible to say without having been there, as so much is tiny tiny things you "read" in a situation that tell you if it's likely to go pear-shaped or not.

Supermarkets and car parks are exactly the kind of place where people do get killed in incidents like this. Because of that, I would have backed down as calmly as possible, though the temptation to have a go at him would be huge especially at the wrong time of the month

It would probably be on CCTV so I'd have then gone inside and reported him to management/security for his aggressive behaviour and dangerous driving.

Actually, though I do think it's wise to back down in a case like this, I don't think things like this have got worse - they are getting better. Society today is far more likely to punish someone who behaves like this - both in legal terms and in terms of public disapproval. 500 years ago for example it was far more acceptable and normal to simply attack or kill someone else over a perceived slight or disagreement and it happened a lot more. As did appalling, and generally unpunished treatment of women.

Purpleroxy, thats an interesting point and I will admit I hadn't considered the idea of what situation would I have not reacted in.

I think its hard, because for me I judged him as being all mouth, say he had been confronted with my DH (who lots of people have comment on being quite intimidating even though he never intends to be) I'm not sure he would have behaved in the same way. I think he saw me as someone he could push around. I am, unfortunately, experienced in dealing with rough often violent people, those are mainly the types I grew up around, and I think had I judged him as genuinely dangerous I would have hopefully backed off.

I suppose I do still have that slightly terrier like element of my personality where I think I could still have him

I still maintain I was right though, I don't see why I should be overridden by some thug.

Mamapain no I would have told him to fuck right off too. I had a similar non-parking incident at Christmas and it was the fact that the 3 of them squared to me made me even more bolschy. Like hell was I being bullied into submission! There were cameras everywhere and they couldn't have tried anything even if they wanted to. Also there were no potential weapons/cars to be used to their advantage. BUT I do see where the bystanders were coming from. You never know what he might have been carrying and what he might have been prepared to do. I've known of people who follow people home over road rage incidents and he'd probably have been one of those upstarts that would key all of your car whilst your gone.

YANBU Maybe its some kind of psychological phenomenon. Maybe its cowardice. I suspect the attitudes of the bystanders have a lot to do with the reason the man in your incident thought he could get away with doing what he tried to do.

I can't believe people are calling you stupid on this thread. Or talking about risks. There are risks in all areas of life. You would think every woman who stood up to a man in a car in a public setting with loads of witnesses was subjected to a road rage attack or something, and men were akin to African wild lions. Total lack of perspective. You assessed the risk and took appropriate action. Well done to you!

Thanks Misspixietrix and Melonade, seems I'm not the only one who refuses to accept this kind of treatment.

I'll confess to not thinking about my car, or that he may have followed me home, although then he would have been confronted with DH and its probably best that didn't happen. I haven't told him about all this yet as he will go off the deep end.

People have been killed in not-dissimilar disputes, and given this thug's massive unreasonableness in his method of trying to grab the parking space, it's fair to say he could quite easily have also been the sort to get physically violent when confronted.

That said, I abhor bullying and would most likely have done as you did then kicked myself later for not recording the whole thing on my phone.

I have no idea if your response was reasonable or not, but I absolutely agree with your logic.