to want my DP to wake up in a good mood a least once in a while?

[MersyMersy]

I am so fed up of my DPs foul moods. Especially of a morning. Everyday he wakes up in a vile mood, as soon as he opens his eyes I can feel the tension in the room. He jumps out of bed huffing and puffing, kicking things around the room, swearing and ranting about how much he hates his 'f*king life'! He always wakes the babies up with his noise and when he hears them shouting for us he seethes at me 'what do they fking want now'. Its hideous, most mornings either end up crying or shaking with rage. I can't take it anymore. This morning he had a lie in and still came down in a mood, upset our LOs straight away by telling them to stop being 'spoilt brats' because they were fussing over a toy. Then he slams the back door smashes a glass on the floor by accident, shouts that he 'hates this f*king house' and storms out. I'm at my wits end.

OP I sympathise. DP was like this for a few months after dd was born but only in the mornings and not towards dd so I don't know if this would work in your case but this has turned things around for us:

I realised snapping back was not getting me anywhere even though I was perfectly within my rights to do so as he was being an utter turd.

Instead, I told him in a gentle tone to calm down and not speak to his poor wife like that. I told him why don't you go for a fag and I'll make you a coffee.

He told me later he felt mortified at his behaviour and my sweetness towards him after him snapping at me made him want to improve himself.

Since then he has always got out on the right side of the bed .... I always offer him a coffee though, just in case

He could have post natal depression op?

Feel so sorry for you. I know how this feels and you can't walk on eggshells all day. He needs yo know he is taking you for granted so if being nice doesn't work you will have to just call it a day I'm afraid

nirishma you sound lovely, and I'm pleased you have sorted it with your DH, but I have a feeling that, after 3 years the OPs position is a bit more extreme.

This is more than just a bad mood.

He's either an immature, abusive git or has something wrong with him. He could be depressed or be struggling with having an unpleasant personality or some other mental illness.

Either way, he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour.

I started reading the thread thinking this man sounds like an abuser and subsequent posts have confirmed it.

It may well be that has depression, but that doesn't entitle him to abuse his family.

OP (sorry posting on phone and don't immediately recall your nn, not meaning to be rude) I think you need to end this relationship. Treading on eggshells is no way to live for you or your family. It sounds like your family would be supportive so why not take the first step - ring your mum or brother, tell them what's been happening and ask them for help.

Good luck to you and keep posting for support.

Thanks, he is immature. Very much so, and I do think he has issues. He has a complicated family history, estranged father etc and I do think this impacts on him. He has said he would never walk away because that's what his F did but I have thought that that's not a good enough reason to stay. And I didn't want to say but he does smoke pot. Of an evening to 'unwind'. I've asked him to stop a few times and he has done briefly but always starts back up again. A couple of weekends ago I sat him down and told him again that I want him to stop, for the LOs but also for us. I think it worsens his moods but he seems to think it helps him. I'm an idiot aren't I.

You are not an idiot. An optimist. A nice supportive partner. Your only mistake was assuming he was able to respond as a normal person would. He is the idiot.

Start your exit plan. Documents in a safe place. See CAB. Protect your money. Find a job. Talk to WA.

Op you sound lovely but this is not god for your children. Please don't wait for something to 'happen' that forces your hand. You need to leave this man, poor you and your precious children. Talk to women's aid, citizens advice, anyone about what you can do. Talk to your council about c

Sorry I have been using nn's I'm not used to posting on forums.

Nirishma I have tried the nice approach for a long time, I would consider myself to be a very tolerant and patient person. Even today I offered him breakfast, coffee etc.

Thecatthatsmiled you're right its gone beyond that now. I worry that I am too sensitive but its not isolated, occasional incidents. This is habitual behaviour and everytime he is in these moods its like all the other times spring back to life and all those emotions come back. I actually feel like a nervous wreck today.

I know I'm going to have to speak to him. I am not looking forward to it at all. I haven't heard from him yet I'll just wait for this evening when my LOs are in bed.

I have spoken to my Mum briefly and my Dad too and they are very supportive but they are my parents and I worry that telling them too much would really set a fire. Ultimately its my problem and I have to be the one to sort it out.

Know I'm repeating myself here but I am grateful for everyones comments.

Council housing, anything to get away from this man. He is abusing you and your precious family. Could you stay with your mum for a bit maybe? Until you get on your feet? Give your chosen the happy, wonderful childhood they deserve by leaving. You sound like a lovely mum x

Children not chosen!! Good luck op, I think you should leave x

I guessed he was a regular cannabis user from your first post. He sounds a self-centred, arrogant abuser and the sooner you get your children away from his toxic behaviour the better chance your children have of enjoying a normal, happy home life. Please op, get out now if not for your own mental health (which will undoubtedly improve without this vile influence in your life) then do it for your children. It sounds like your mum would welcome you with open arms if you left him.

Talking to him isn't going to provide a personality transplant op, you need to kick him out. Tonight.

That sounds just awful. It's definitely not normal behaviour. I do hope you can pluck up the courage to leave him; your children will thank you for it one day.

You're definitely not an idiot; sounds like you are kind and generous. But..... Turn it round. What would you expect someone to do if you picked up one of your babies and swore angrily at them? Do you think they would be right to take the kids away so you couldn't do that to them? I'm afraid I do.

I do know where you're coming from, it took me a long time to leave angry alcoholic and abusive ex. But I should have done it sooner.

Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit?

You are being very brave in tacking the issue with him, I know it's going to be hard.

Practice what you are going to say, do not let him side track you. Keep it clear and calm, repeat if necessary 'I cannot and will not continue to live like this'

Decide before hand what your objectives are. I know you just want him to stop, but you know he's not going to. So decide what the next step is. Talk to women's Aid first, they will help.

If he blows up, walk away or ask him to leave.

Hmm... I was going to post asking if he's a pot-smoker and then just read your update that he uses pot heavily and hasn't stopped even though you asked him. That would explain the mood swings and the Jekyll / Hyde behavior where he is miserable to you and the children on the morning and can be laughing and in 'high' spirits with his friends in the evenings... probably because he is in fact high!

What does he actually do for you or your DCs, Mersy? He doesn't add much financially to the household, he's verbally and emotionally abusive, lazy and addicted to pot and a terrible father. I think at this stage you're only with him for old times' sake and because you feel sorry for him.

There is great advice in the Relationships section and a lot more support than here but I would just say that if you did want to make it work, you would need to give him an ultimatum to get off pot first and make an effort to show you and DCs he cares. Maybe a separation will be the wake-up call he needs?

Good luck with speaking to him. He will become defensive and try to shift the blame elsewhere, but it's his responsibility ultimately, esp. with the drug smoking.

He should move out until he sorts himself out and can prove he can behave like a reasonable human being. If he promises to do it whilst living with you, don't accept it, he'll just fall back into bad ways straight away. You need some respite from all this.

I assumed up thread that when you said he seemed happy when sitting in the garden smoking , you didn't mean B n H . I think you have an answer here as to why he's so unpleasant . You'll have a hell of a job trying to convince him that smoking weed is not condusive to happy family life . I wish that I could offer help but he needs more than an amateur opinion . I think that you need to throw him out , get him away from your babies first then if you think you want to , try getting him psychiatric/medical help before trying to repair this ,what seems to be , irreparable relationship . Good luck and keep safe .

Men do not get post natal depression as they are not post natal.

Ltb.

Sorry, the situation is not going to change unless you make it change.

There really doesn't seem to be a future for you both. Maybe when he realises you are serious, he may consider relate, but I think it is probably beyond that now.

You know what you have to do. Tell him that he has one last limited time chance to sort himself out and then use that time to plan and put everything in place so that you can move out if he doesn't.

All of your comments are really kind. Aveyjessup and hiddenhome you have really hit home with me, so have some of the other posts (on my phone so I can't remember the other nn's). I do need a break from it. I do need to stick my guns and I wish I'd have told him to leave sooner. It might just be the wake up call he needs. Nothing else has worked. I did asked him to leave last year and the year before but he stayed and we got on with it. Can't say we worked through it really in light of recent events. I would like our relationship to work. I want us to be a family but I also want to be happy. And I don't want my children to grow up affected because of it all. We've only been together for four years its just too early on to be dealing with so many issues. I think space is needed. Going to need a deep breath for this one...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2046231-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships-thread-29

You sound like a lovely person who perhaps doesn't realise her full worth. You deserve far more. You sound like you prepared well for the arrival o your babies by saving up so you could be with them. You have tried to support your partner when he was out of work and tried to improve things for him such as paying for a gym membership in case he was depressed.

Your partner is not just going through a rough patch or temporarily struggling. He is abusive. He verbally abuses you and your babies. He uses his moods to control you and to stop you asking anything of him. He ( I presume) didn't contribute to your savings from which I imagine the bulk of costs for baby things is covered. He works pt and pays a little towards the house but has money to waste on hash, tobacco and skins. When he senses he is losing you he reels you back in by saying he loves you and needs you.

This isn't normal, you don't have to take it nor should you.

Family break ups can be hard but not as hard as being abused.

I read your op I felt pot smoker too.
It really seems like an innocent drug but for some it really changes them so even they don't know who they are. One minute they are these laid back beings next minute almost psychotic if little things dont their way.
Unless he gives this up you need to kick him out. For the sake of your children and your mental health.