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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my DP to wake up in a good mood a least once in a while?

85 replies

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 11:43

I am so fed up of my DPs foul moods. Especially of a morning. Everyday he wakes up in a vile mood, as soon as he opens his eyes I can feel the tension in the room. He jumps out of bed huffing and puffing, kicking things around the room, swearing and ranting about how much he hates his 'f*king life'! He always wakes the babies up with his noise and when he hears them shouting for us he seethes at me 'what do they fking want now'. Its hideous, most mornings either end up crying or shaking with rage. I can't take it anymore. This morning he had a lie in and still came down in a mood, upset our LOs straight away by telling them to stop being 'spoilt brats' because they were fussing over a toy. Then he slams the back door smashes a glass on the floor by accident, shouts that he 'hates this f*king house' and storms out. I'm at my wits end.

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Cerisier · 06/04/2014 12:36

Wow what disgraceful behaviour. I could not cope with living like that, I don't think anyone could. Danske speaks wise words above.

More immediately would it be possible to have a parent or sibling to stay for a bit, on the pretext of giving you a hand, as it would give you a break (as he would presumably behave in public)?

Corabell · 06/04/2014 12:42

He may depressed, he may not be. He is unreasonable and I would feel he is emotionally abusive. Do you walk on egg shells around him? Does he ever acknowledge that his behaviour is unacceptable or upsetting for his family?

I have depression and I would never treat my family like this, day in and day out.

Do his moods mean he gets to do less of the donkey work and more of what he wants?

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 12:45

He doesn't exercise, he used to train a lot and then he just gave it up. I've tried to get him back into, exercise helped me a lot in the past so I know how useful it can be. I even paid for a years gym membership for him last year as his excuse was that he couldn't afford it. He didn't go once I was a massive waste of money. He hates his job and I've told him he could get a part time job and we would manage. I had a quite saved up before had my babies and that is tiding us over he only has to contribute to the tune of food shopping and utility bills. I don't work ATM but I am looking. As I said I had saving that have meant I haven't had to to this point. Our LO are three this year and I can see its having an impact on them. Its also taking its toll on me, I feel teary a lot of the time and I've also starting snapping at my beautiful babies. I feel sick when I think about it all.

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HolgerDanske · 06/04/2014 12:47

It's time to protect yourself and your babies. You have done what you could, you have tried to help him. He has got to want to help himself and if he can't or won't it is is his responsibility to live with that, not yours.

HettiesMum · 06/04/2014 12:49

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he doesn't like family life. You say that was happy before the children were born and that he's happy chatting to friends and being in their company. It sounds as if he was used to being Number One and then the children came along. You shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour - if he won't address his problems, do what is best for yourself and the children.

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 12:51

Sorry I'm a bit behind with the posts. I wouldn't dare speak to him in the morning, when I have its just esculated into a massive row. Sometimes he'll apologise other times he won't. I wouldbt dare ask a family member round, he has an extremely volatile relationship with his own mum, he hates my brother and him and my mum have issues because we used to live with them and that was hell. My Mum absolutely hated his guts. I feel scared of him at times and I'm always walking on egg shells. I'll always try and deal with a problem on my own before I'll bring it to him.

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Corabell · 06/04/2014 12:52

It sounds like you have bent over backwards to appease, accommodate and support him. Nothing you do is good enough as he has to want to change. Instead he storms around bullying his family and carries on doing his own thing.

Perhaps you should ask for this post to be moved to relationships for some more advice.

rabbitlady · 06/04/2014 12:54

ltb.

somebody you 'wouldn't dare speak to' isn't someone you should be living with. get over to 'relationships' and ask about how to plan your or his departure.

Corabell · 06/04/2014 12:55

There is an ongoing thread in relationships for those experiencing emotional abuse. Perhaps if you read it you may have an epiphany.

Would you say his behaviour has isolated you from friends and family?

Why does your mother "hate" him?

HolgerDanske · 06/04/2014 12:56

It's time to go.

HarderThanYouThink · 06/04/2014 12:56

Leave. Negativity is contagious, you and your kids don't need this shit, it will just bring you down.

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 12:59

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the advice its been much needed wish I'd have posted sooner been dealing with this for too long. It is nice to know I'm on the right lines with how I feel and to know its not normal. I feel sick talking about it now, because its making me see it all properly for what it is. Thanks again.

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Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 13:01

I don't really wan

OP posts:

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 13:05

..sorry phone went nuts then. What was saying was that I don't want to share what I'm about to say but he goes. My Mum hates him because he was awful with our babies. On a couple of occasions he grabbed our babies up in a mood and told them to 'f**king shut up'. The first time I went mental and told him how wrong it was the second time my mum caught him. If feel sick, I feel so ashamed.

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dreamingbohemian · 06/04/2014 13:09

I think you need to leave.

It doesn't really matter why he's behaving like this, it's awful. Although I think you have probably nailed it, he doesn't like family life. Misery is not the same as depression.

You have done so much to try to improve things and it's not working. You have to look out for your babies now. Do you feel it would be safe to leave?

Corabell · 06/04/2014 13:11

That's awful. Truly awful.

You can contact woman's aid and speak to them on the phone and get some perspective.

dreamingbohemian · 06/04/2014 13:11

x-post

Okay. You really do have to leave. He is an abusive asshole.

What is your housing situation?

Littlefish · 06/04/2014 13:20

Your babies are not safe with this man. He is taking his anger out on defenceless babies. Please contact Women's aid without delay and seek advice on how to make him leave the house. In the meantime, can you go and stay with your mum to make sure you stay safe?

FunkyBoldRibena · 06/04/2014 13:30

What is the house situation? Renting? Owners? In whose name? Can you afford to pay the mortgage/rent yourself?

You really need to get rid of him - if he hates it so much tell him to fuck off then.

FrigginRexManningDay · 06/04/2014 13:41

I don't know if he is depressed or not but sweetheart this is not a good place for you or your babies. I think its time you made plans to leave. Check out the EA thread in Relationships.

cardibach · 06/04/2014 13:55

Leave now while you still have savings. I said I wouldn't advise that, but reading the way this has developed I think you must, at least until he accepts he has problems and tries to sort them out. Don't let all your money melt away until you feel you have to stay.

nicename · 06/04/2014 13:55

So he has taken it our on the kids too? That is overstepping the mark - as a partner is one thing but the kids? The people who use you as their blueprint for their own lives and relationships? The people you are completely, 100%, absolutely responsible for? Not even a mouthy teen, but toddlers?

How old is he? Midlife crisis? Realisation that life didn't turn out 'to plan'?

He needs a wakeup call before he damages everyones lives further.

My phone is going a bit nutty so I can't reread up the thread but... You arenot working but have been working/saving up for the family. He hasn't. He has a job he hates after being unemployed and wants to jack it in and takes this all out on his family. Did he want kids anyway or ever? Has he been moody/miserably/angry in the past?

cardibach · 06/04/2014 13:56

When I say 'wouldn't advise' I don't mean I think it's a bad thing - poor phrasing . I meant I said I would not offer advice of that kind on someone else's relationship. SOrry if that was unclear.

TheCatThatSmiled · 06/04/2014 14:06

OP, I'm so sorry. This is emotional abuse. And it will affect your babies, even more as they grow up.
You are his emotional punch bag, he doesn't live or cherish you and your children.

Please call women's Aid.

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 14:20

Its so spot on about the money melting away, I am worried about that. I have a little bit left but will definitely need an income coming in soon. I have enough money to see us through this year if I'm careful. He's in his late twenties, I'm a little older. It was his idea to start a family and he says he loves us and I think he believes it and I do too although its hard to accept when I way it up against the way he behaves. He has said recently that his life would be over if I left him, he's picking up on my moods now, he isn't stupid he knows I'm falling out of love with him. I love him and hate him at the same time. I want us to be a family but I really don't think I can support him through anymore. And I can't let him continue to behave this way around our children I have let him away with too much already. I think I am going to look over in the relationships posts. kind of opened a can of worms here.

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