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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my DP to wake up in a good mood a least once in a while?

85 replies

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 11:43

I am so fed up of my DPs foul moods. Especially of a morning. Everyday he wakes up in a vile mood, as soon as he opens his eyes I can feel the tension in the room. He jumps out of bed huffing and puffing, kicking things around the room, swearing and ranting about how much he hates his 'f*king life'! He always wakes the babies up with his noise and when he hears them shouting for us he seethes at me 'what do they fking want now'. Its hideous, most mornings either end up crying or shaking with rage. I can't take it anymore. This morning he had a lie in and still came down in a mood, upset our LOs straight away by telling them to stop being 'spoilt brats' because they were fussing over a toy. Then he slams the back door smashes a glass on the floor by accident, shouts that he 'hates this f*king house' and storms out. I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:

EverythingsDozy · 06/04/2014 11:45

I have used this phrase once today and I think it applies here too. Would a rational human being react this way to this trigger?
Would a rational human being swear, kick and say he hates his life to waking up in the morning? No.
I would let him know that if he really feels this strongly that he knows where the door is and that you and your DC would be better off without this tension in their home.

Sirzy · 06/04/2014 11:52

Are you sure he isn't depressed? Certainly seems there is some much bigger issue which needs tackling somewhere.

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 11:54

No they wouldn't. He's not a rational human being. He's miserable, angry and bitter. And I can't take it anymore. I know that life is stressful at times but surely having a family that love you, especially two lovely little babs would make you smile at least some of the time. I've told him time and time again how his behaviour impacts on our children and me and yet he carries on regardless. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to love him anymore.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 06/04/2014 11:55

How long has he been like this?

CoffeeTea103 · 06/04/2014 11:56

Maybe the stresses of his job? Are both of you working? Is anything else stressful going on in his life?

MissMalteser · 06/04/2014 11:57

this is more than a bad mood op, have you tackled him about it? I cannot see how any rational human being could think it was ok to inflict this on their family!
And how confusing and distressing it must be for your poor dc's :(

Sirzy · 06/04/2014 11:57

I know that life is stressful at times but surely having a family that love you, especially two lovely little babs would make you smile at least some of the time.

Unfortunatly IF someone is depressed it is far from that simple.

It's hard to say from limited infortmation of course but I would be talking to him and seriously trying to encourage him to visit the GP.

cardibach · 06/04/2014 11:58

YANBU. He needs to address this anger/locate the actual cause. I couldn't live with that and might LTB, but wouldn't tell you to do that - everyone needs to come to that decision in their own way.

TalkieToaster · 06/04/2014 11:59

I saw the thread title and planned to comment on how people have to leave me alone until I'm sufficiently caffinated to cope, but this is something else entirely. It's got nothing to do with him being in a foul mood when he wakes up and everything to do with him being a complete twat.

nicename · 06/04/2014 11:59

what else is going on? It sounds like depression to me. Has he always been like this?

It has to stop though. It sounds like the kids are small now but it will start having an effect on them soon - and you too. There's only a certain amount you can take before it starts making you feel ill and depressed too.

Can you think what the root is? Has he a mum, dad, sibling you could chat to? Is he drinking/more than usual? Exercising? Eating ok? How is work? Is it just the mornings, or are there other triggers? Have you discussed it with I'm when you are both calm and the kids are out of the way?

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 12:04

I don't know. He's happy if he's has absolutely nothing to do, but even his happy days are on a knife edge of mood swings. If I have the audacity to ask him to help with me something his good mood vanishes. He's happy of an evening sitting in the back garden smoking then sleeping on the couch. I think family life is too much for him and he won't admit it. I would have said working makes him unhappy but he was unemployed last year for a while and that was worse. I've offered to pay for therapy for him a while ago and he did think about it but then said he didn't need it, and this sounds terrible, I haven't brought it up since because to me if I did he'd just use it as a get out clause to do anything at home and use it an excuse for bad behaviour. I've suffered with depression in the past, it runs in my family my Dad suffers with it, and I know people are different but I don't know I don't think he is. He's definitely unhappy but I don't know if I'd call it depression.

OP posts:

redexpat · 06/04/2014 12:05

Does he improve after breakfast? Might be blood sugar. But yes, im adding my voice to the there must be something else going on choir.

Sirzy · 06/04/2014 12:06

From my experiences what you have described is pretty much textbook depression. Of course you can't force him but I would really encourage a trip to the GP

Joules68 · 06/04/2014 12:08

How is he with his friends? And family?

nicename · 06/04/2014 12:11

If he was unemployed, that would have been stressy, and is his new job what he wanted or 'any port in a storm'?

Does he exercise? That does help with stress. It does sound like depression - remember that it doesn't need to be trigger-related. It can be just an inbalance in the bag of chemicals that we humans are.

CarryOnDancing · 06/04/2014 12:12

If he's like this is every area of life then I might extend some sympathy and question depression, but if he manages to function at work and isn't like this with other people, I'd just call him out as a miserable knob!

Whatever it is, it's not something you and your DC should be putting up with. It sounds like a terrible environment for your children!

Original poster

MersyMersy · 06/04/2014 12:14

Feel terrible saying that about depression. I just don't want him to be depressed because, and this is awful, but it'd just be more work for me. Awful but true. He doesn't eat, I always make sure there's lots of food in and make him lunches but he doesn't take them. He will eat of an evening but not during the day. He's happy enough to go to his friends houses and play poker and video games once a week and he can be vile to me, his phone will ring and he'll be laughing and joking with his friend on the phone. Its like living with Jekyll and Hyde. He's been this way since our children were born, was absolutely lovely and we never had a cross word before they were born.

OP posts:

Mintyy · 06/04/2014 12:16

Please don't bring your children up in a house like this. Either he seeks help and improves (and ideally moves out in the meantime) or you separate. It is absolutely not on for your babies to hear him screaming "I hate this fucking life" on a regular basis. It will damage them. This is very urgent.

Anomaly · 06/04/2014 12:18

He sounds like a complete arse. you should not have to put up with this kind of behaviour I don't care how depressed he is. I'd tell him to leave. At best he's depressed and doing nothing to sort it at worst he's abusive.

nicename · 06/04/2014 12:18

Its easy enough to hide depression and stress to the outside world while your nearesy and dearest see the 'real' face of it. The problem is that if it has happened before, he might well just not see it for what it is and be so unaware that he really is a cause of great upset and damage at home. I'm suspecting a bit of a spoiled baby here? Maybe an elder or favoured child/son?

Sadly, it may be that he will only wake up if there is a crisis or crunch. Is thre anyone who knows him well that you can talk to (without him going bananas if he finds out). Has he any paranoid tendencies? Does he get to work ok or have sick days when he can't face going in?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 06/04/2014 12:19

If it was me, I would leave.

Even if he is depressed he has to want to be better, and want to have a happy environment for his kids. But he doesn't seem to feel like that.

Your kids don't deserve to be treated like this and neither do you.

HolgerDanske · 06/04/2014 12:20

I think you are right that he doesn't like family life and doesn't want to admit it. I also don't think any possible reason is an excuse for this kind of behaviour. Depression is not a carte Blanche to lash out, swear, shout at your children and break things. How awful for you and the children.

I think you need to tell him that he needs to sort it out, and if he can't or won't commit to that then he needs to leave and give his family some peace.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/04/2014 12:24

Tbh he sounds an ungrateful shit. I rarely think this but I just don't see how this is good for the kids.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 06/04/2014 12:26

I would leave a man like this regardless of why he is behaving this way - I would want to protect my DC from it.

fuckoffbeaker · 06/04/2014 12:36

What did he say when you asked him why he is always grumpy in the mornings

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