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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to stay at annoying in-laws

35 replies

Nooshie01 · 01/04/2014 11:08

Hi all, I'm new to mumsnet and posting threads but was desperate for some advice.

I am currently in the process of moving house with a 3 year old and a 9 week old. Our new house needs complete gutting.. It's something out of a horror movie. My DH is adamant that we go stay at his parents house whilst our new house is complete. It is probably more convenient to stay there as it's close to his work and to our new home. My mother in law is very controlling and has no filter, she says what's on her mind (the usual MIL digs) she gets right under my skin. She tries to undermine everything I do with my kids and thinks she knows best. I just can't imagine staying at home all day from 6am- 7pm with her whilst my husband goes to work. I would rather go stay at my mums house which is 20 miles away. Her house is a lot smaller and this means myself and the kids would have to be away from my DH whilst he goes to work.

I don't wan't my family to be apart but I don't want to be miserable everyday for 4-5 weeks, maybe even longer. I've said to my husband thy I want to stay at my mums but it's like going in one ear and out of the other. Am I being unreasonable to not want to stay at my in- laws ? Should I put my foot down? I don't want to create drama within the family.

Thanks for the help

OP posts:

WhatsTheWordHummingbird · 01/04/2014 11:11

Seeing as you are the one who will spending time at home, for the most part of the day, then id say you get the final call on where you spend your time.

Could you come to MILs for fri and sat nughts, so that the four of you can at least spend the time dh is there as a family?

AngelinaCongleton · 01/04/2014 11:12

Oh sympathies. Can you stay half the week at your mums ( most of working week?) If the in laws house becomes uNbearable you could subtly find reasons to spend more time at your mums?

Nancy66 · 01/04/2014 11:14

20 miles is nothing. Stay with your mother you will be much happier. Put your foot down

Atbeckandcall · 01/04/2014 11:14

I'm afraid to say hon but you've got to chalk it up.

I had to to do it for 8 months and I honestly thought I was going to kill someone by the end of it (but it was worth it).

I think as much as it will be bloody hard for you, it will be hard for your DH and dc. Be selfless for your children, they would not seeing their dad.

Have rules though, if you know it's going to be difficult because mil is hard work he has to lay down the rules to her. And if she breaks them then you have good cause to go to your mum. Don't be defeatist before you've even tried.

Good luck!

mercibucket · 01/04/2014 11:21

Sounds reasonable to me. Just stay at your mums. Its not like your dh has to, he will be out all day and can go back to his mums at night if he prefers

Cobain · 01/04/2014 11:26

Tbh your MIL and maybe your own DM might be secretly feeling the same. I would divide my time to give both a break.

oscarwilde · 01/04/2014 11:53

In my experience you will need to spend quite a bit of time at the site/house and your DH will want to visit every night for a progress check up.
It might be more practical to spend a few weeks at your mums while the baby is tiny and the structural and really dusty and dirty stuff is done. Then swap to Mil when you need to be on hand to make sure plug sockets etc are in the right place.
The bonus of this is that your mum spends more time with your eldest up front so if things with your mil get fraught you can always drop dc1 to stay with her for a couple of days if it all gets too much.

Original poster

Nooshie01 · 01/04/2014 12:16

Thanks for the quick response.

Some great ideas..I was thinking of doing the weekday @ mums and weekends @ in-laws. I'll have to try it out, not sure how my 9 week old will feel about it- he hates car journeys.

I do believe that as I'm staying home most of the days I should be somewhere that I feel comfortable. I'm also BF, not that it's an excuse, but i don't have to hide and be conscious of my brother in law and father in law.

We usually stay at their holiday home in the summer for a couple of weeks and i always say I'm never doing it again. I guess when you are in someone's house, you have to play by their rules.. My MIL likes to throw that out from time to time.

I feel better that I'm not being totally unreasonable- I have to tell DH how I truly feel about staying there.

OP posts:

pianodoodle · 01/04/2014 12:25

YANBU I wouldn't do it so you're braver than me if you do!

20 miles isn't that far really. I can relax with my own parents but not with my in-laws I just wouldn't feel at home there.

Kundry · 01/04/2014 13:44

Your DH may feel the same about staying at your mums as you about staying at his.

I'd be at my mums as much as possible if I had to stay at MIL's and the baby could put up with the car journey

A bigger issue is how you keep ending up back on holiday with her. Does your Dh routinely ignore your opinion?

Swoosg · 01/04/2014 13:50

I wouldn't even consider staying at the MIL's in this situation. And my DH would drive 20 miles to work and back, and stay the odd night at his MIL's if he needed to.

You will be at home all day with two small kids - of course you should be at your mum's. What is he thinking????

CuntyBunty · 01/04/2014 13:59

Just say "no" to your DH. And then stick to it. It doesn't matter if it "goes in one ear and out the other" (WTF? Is he ignoring what you say?), just repeat, "I've already said no".

fluffyraggies · 01/04/2014 14:06

9 week old here too. I would hate to be trying to BF in front of FIL and BIL on a daily basis.

That one thing alone would swing it for me. Maybe you could join your DH at his mums just at weekends.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/04/2014 14:07

YANBU - at all.

dammitsue · 01/04/2014 14:55

Omg yanbu! My husband daren't even leave me alone with my mil for 20 minutes without my prior agreement, hell would freeze over before I spent entire days with them!! And they are nice, just full on.

HappyAgainOneDay · 01/04/2014 15:15

As so the posters have said, spread your time between your mother (during the week) and your mother-in-law at the weekend. That way you'll have your husband for the time you'd have had him anyway workwise.

It might please the mother-in-law as well, knowing that she'll have a break between weekends.

I had my mother-in-living with us for 6 months while my DH went to work.

thebody · 01/04/2014 15:26

well my mil was ace. yours sounds a different kettle of fish.

it would be a no from me. sounds like your dh is a tad like his mother in the controlling and not listening. nip this in the bud.

tell your dh you and the kids are at your mums, he can to the commute!! lol at 20 miles my dh worked mikes away when mine were little.

tell him you arnt bf in front of bil and fil and that's that.

Atbeckandcall · 01/04/2014 16:04

Didn't realise about breast feeding, YANBU.

AngelaDaviesHair · 01/04/2014 16:12

You might want to point out to your DH that, although your MIL might be put out if you don't stay, you and she could end up seriously falling out if you do stay. In other words, it's better for long-term family harmony for you to limit the time you spend there.

Original poster

Nooshie01 · 01/04/2014 16:27

When my DH is around, I can bare it a bit more because he tells her to back off and not interfere with our children. Plus, she does and says things when he's not there.. typical MIL.
She once took DC1 off of me when I wanted to take her to the garden because she thought it was too hot- she grabbed her out of my hand and I can never forget that. There has been a history of events- I'm not a confrontational person. I'm going to stay at my mums during the week and see how I feel about weekends. Everyone around me, including family from DH side can see how she acts towards me but she's in her late 70's so I keep telling myself to just bare with her.

OP posts:

quietbatperson · 01/04/2014 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucilleBluth · 01/04/2014 17:00

It's not typical MIL behaviour, it's typical of this particular woman. Just felt the need to point this out.

Original poster

Nooshie01 · 01/04/2014 17:20

lol @ quietbatperson's comment

Seems like I have a Monster in law lol

AngelaDaviesHair- you are right, it could potentially cause an arguments- I might explode over one of her comments.

OP posts:

Swoosg · 01/04/2014 17:59

I wouldn't go at weekends either - how stressful. your dh can come to you, surely.

fluffyraggies · 01/04/2014 18:03

Not enough room at OPs parents for come and DH to stay over - IIRC.

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