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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people should stop telling me how to feed my baby!!

139 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 01/04/2014 04:02

I have an 11 day old baby who is exclusively breast fed and I've just about had enough now of people offering their 'opinions' as to why I should start giving him bottles of formula.

I've had it off my mom, my MIL, the lady who lives next door and this evening my FIL also gave me a great uninformed speech as to all the benefits of giving a bottle and why I should consider it.

Nobody's reasons include any benefits for the baby but more about why I should do it for the benefit of either me, my DH or them!! I was actually a bit rude to my FIL tonight but he really pissed me off with his implications that I'm selfish for choosing to breast feed because how is my DH supposed to bond if he can't give bottles, and he also implied I was controlling because I was choosing to breast feed so nobody else could look after my baby!

Since when did it be ok to start criticising a mother's choice and why can't people just accept that I'm breast feeding because I want to - not because I'm being forced to against my will, and they should all just leave me to it!!

OP posts:
ExBrightonBell · 14/04/2014 21:09

Maisie0, it's great that you help your sister and that you are pro-breastfeeding.

However I would ask you not to post things about breastfeeding that just aren't true. The production of milk in new mums is triggered by the delivery of the placenta. This is a known fact, not just my personal opinion or belief. Here is a clear explanation of the processes involved in human lactation.

Induction, planned c-section, emergency c-section etc make no difference to this process. In very rare situations women don't make milk due to a lack of mammary glands, or issues with the hormones that should stimulate milk production. If your sister was in this position she would in all likelihood be aware of this.

In the UK women can (usually) choose a planned (elective) c section, and so have their baby without going into labour. Doesn't affect their ability to breastfeed.

Some history for you as well - in the UK in the past (early 20th century onwards), giving birth shifted from a normal process that usually took place at home to one that people felt needed medical intervention and hospitals. Formula milk was also seen as "better" than breastfeeding as new and modern inventions were improving and changing the world. Formula became really popular and pushed over breastfeeding as what the modern woman did. Consequently whole generations of women lost their understanding of breastfeeding and rates dropped off dramatically.

If you are keen on helping turn this around can I strongly suggest you educate yourself on this complex topic.

Johnthedog · 14/04/2014 21:13

Oldest child had a bottle recommended by midwife and HV, at 16 weeks as they woke so frequently. Didn't work in satisfying hunger or help stop crying. Never gave youngest child a bottle ever but they were a much better sleeper and I wasn't so desperate.

Hebburnisaplaceonearth · 14/04/2014 21:30

A general point to note, if formula feeding rates are increasing in any country, it is likely to be due to advertising/giving free samples of formula etc. This has been clearly seen in the phillipines and china for example.

Maisie0 · 14/04/2014 22:15

Exbrightonbell Please note that I am not trying to debate the topic here. As that is not my intention. I do sense that you are a little bit patronising but that is also okay too. Cos I realised that you must have been alarmed by what frankness I wrote here.

I already know that moms in the 20th Century were "encouraged" to use forumla in the UK. I also know that stillbirth was quite high too, and that is why most mothers would not risk this at all and follow the doctor's advices. I also know that in my mother's generation, she had to see her mother give stillbirth and I know that this also impacted her too in her situation. Sometimes, we should not forget that giving birth is a small miracle. I certainly feel lucky of the support and technology that is available to us in the UK. In other countries, citizens have to pay for these kind of birthing care.

I know that the NHS is so much more supportive now of BF and of the different options for mothers. e.g. giving home births and things like that. Or to give a waterbirth, but with caesarian options on standbys.

I do not know how you feel, but I do know that before and during your pregnancy, one should really be eating more proper wholesome food so that your child will also get the nutrients too. My mother is very supportive of this idea, and I know my sister had to eat this detox food to clear out her internals in the earlier days too as she breastfed. Culturally, we follow this. So my mom is aware to cook decent wholesome food for my sister to eat. And I of course help her cook this so that my sister can indeed focus on the breastfeeding. I know that if babies are jaundice it is related to the food that one consumes as well.

Actually, my sister did not know that about the stages of lactation. The information I wrote is based on what she told me. (My sister is also not this kind of person either that dig into scientific info. Whereas I am.) We did go through the choices that were on offer to her about how to give birth. She was based in London. So she had a choice on how her birth will go. I went with her through this process. She just wanted some support.

She was not aware of the tied-tongue situation and the breastfeeding as well. This was also new to us and we did not check this either. That was also why, in that singular moment, the doctors and the hospital would actually put pressure to her to use formula. I was also present at the time (and yes, you have no idea how much I fight for my sister's right to BF), when we visited her and saw what happened. But my mother and I was so concerned that her BF will fail, and I know that once she does not BF him, then he may take to the formula too, which the hospital was pressuring her to do, because a baby obviously cannot go hungry for so long. It is indeed quite upsetting for us all to see. It took a more mature nurse that checked the tongue to see if it was tied and helped my sister through that particular situation. Whereas there was another nurse who looked quite young and just qualified and had no idea what to do and to check. As my mother say, my sister truly did encounter an angel. We did not even dare speak out about this help, as I realised that the nurse was not supposed to be working in that section for that specific reason.

I am not sure if you are aware, but doctors or the hospital also have the pressure to make sure that the babies are fed as well. Because if you are in the hospital, the hospital still has a duty to cover that the baby is not neglected. Sometimes it is not a case of the doctor is misinformed but the fact that they are tied to obligation and procedures linked to the hospital. That is why I am also lending support to the OP here too. I am not saying those things because I thought that they are right. I am merely sharing also my family's experiences too for sympathy.

I also definitely encourage the OP to eat very wholesome food now and a lot of vegetables and things like that. As her baby will also get the nutrients that she gets too.

Sometimes it is NOT due to "misinformation" but people are pressured to "follow the rule" so to speak, especially where the duty of the nurse and the doctor is concerned. With my family, we follow a particular combined method of East and West for birthing. We do eat certain culturally "detoxing" food items after a woman has given birth to increase her blood flow and circulation and things like that. Also, do not get me started on the nurses that comes round every so often to check the babies when they have gone home. I thought that it was quite a lot of pressure as well on my sister. I do not know if this was just her area or not. As she lives in London. I did not know that the guidelines are now SO strict. You have no idea how much I had to bite my tongue and not kick off when she was subjected to these kind of checks, and quite intrusive questioning.

I dare say that if a mother can survive all these kind of intimidation in the UK, it is a miracle that she does not get antenatal depression. I just know that in my family, all or most babies are BF. The mother always have help as well in terms of cooking, and making sure she ate well and help with lifting and things like that until she recovers strength. It is so important for her to recover her strength. I know that this is a cultural thing more.

tiktok · 14/04/2014 22:24

Maisie, I am not usually as blunt as this on mumsnet, but please don't post anything else about birth and breastfeeding and detoxing as if they are facts...cultural differences and cultural expectations can be interesting, but possibly not appropriate on this thread.

ExBrightonBell · 14/04/2014 22:31

Perhaps, Maisie, you'd be better off starting your own thread about your feelings and beliefs about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding - apologies Writer for the off topic discussions.

Maisie, there are lots of points that I would like to make to you about what you have written, but I feel that perhaps you and I are far from being on the same page. There are things that you have said that are just not correct - not my opinion, just facts.

And I am well aware of the "miracle" of birth, having had a child myself. So perhaps you could also watch out for being somewhat patronising too?

Maisie0 · 14/04/2014 22:38

To be honest. I will not add further comments on this. I alos hope that others also read what people write as tru experiences and not interpret it as "facts" as you so say.

As I do not feel that I was interpreted as I would have liked to and that assumptions were also made on my family and my behalf too. So yes, I think I also apologise to the OP, and leave it at that. Thanks.

As I said here, I am not here to debate. Please do not also take this thread to be so, as I do not think that the OP was aiming for that here either. Thanks. I was just lending moral support.

ExBrightonBell · 14/04/2014 22:53

The thing about a discussion forum is that it tends to generate discussion. If, Maisie, you want to post without anyone replying to you and disagreeing/challenging you then perhaps write a blog instead?

Apologies to the OP again, but I just couldn't leave some of the incorrect statements unchallenged. It's not just a difference of opinion or a differing of personal experience - some of the things Maisie has written are wrong and are dangerous to suggest to other people who might come across this thread looking for support with breastfeeding.

Nennypops · 14/04/2014 23:01

I find it extraordinary that there is a substantial and vocal sector of the population that is actually frightened of breast feeding. If you look at the comments under online newspaper stories about it, they will always be full of people aggressively claiming that women who breast feed are disgusting exhibitionists, saying that seeing a baby feeding is disgusting, comparing the process to defecating and urinating, and invariably describing it along the lines of "flopping their baps out".

I suspect your relatives think along similar lines, OP, and are vaguely appalled that you have joined these show-off exhibitionist harridans. Good on you for standing up to them.

Maisie0 · 14/04/2014 23:02

ExBrightonBell: Let me verify again. I am here to share my personal experiences too. I like to see myself as a lady who also wish to lend support. I do not like to be derailed, or to be mis-interpreted so widely too. That is just plain rude. I do not have to share my personal experiences and then be berated on that.

I was not here to lecture like your good self. Please note the difference.

I have nothing more to say on the matter. I am sure the OP is wise enough and graceful enough to overlook our bickerings.

Maisie0 · 14/04/2014 23:06

ExBrightonBell One last word on my side. Some people do not have to look for facts in order to BF, or as you say so "find support". If you can see through what I wrote, some people are "made" or indirectly "forced" to choose under certain circumstances. I hope you do realise that the world is quite large and that others can also be just as informed as you are, but they choose the latter in order to please their families, or their partner, or to comply with their local hospitals. I dare say that most women know instinctively what they need to do, but the choices are never support emotionally, or on a moral level.

ExBrightonBell · 14/04/2014 23:13

I completely agree Nenny, there is a significant number of people who view breastfeeding in that way. Sadly a lot of them who write for newspapers etc. I think it's to do with our whole culture around women and their bodies/sexuality e.g. The attitude that women should focus on their appearance and pleasing men, meaning breastfeeding is seen as an "abnormal" use of a woman's body.

(Maisie, I have not been rude to you, I have not berated you, and I have not been lecturing you. I have simply disagreed with you on a factual basis i.e. some of the things you said are incorrect. Because I feel strongly about supporting women who want to breastfeed, I also feel it is important to correct misinformation on this topic. It's not personal, and I am not trying to devalue your personal experiences.)

Lanabelle · 14/04/2014 23:37

Not unreasonable at all. I'm with you all the way here. Amazing bond between you and you and your baby in breastfeeding and of course how could formula be better than something your body made especially suited to the needs of your baby and I agree with almost everything said above and what Delphiniumsblue said at first but I think you should maybe engage now. Stop them feeling the need to poke their noses in in the future too and let them know this is your baby - not public property and you are the mother now. And thumbs up to you for sticking to your guns and doing what you feel is right

Writerwannabe83 · 16/04/2014 12:06

My dad came to visit last night and apparently he has also been phoned by my Grandad who moaned about my milk again. My grandad tried to call me 6 times yesterday but I just ignored it - I just wasn't in the mood to talk to him. I will probably give him a call today and if he starts again then I'm going to tell him to just butt out and that if all he can do is make negative comments then I'd rather he not bother calling me at all!

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