To think people should stop telling me how to feed my baby!!

[Writerwannabe83]

I have an 11 day old baby who is exclusively breast fed and I've just about had enough now of people offering their 'opinions' as to why I should start giving him bottles of formula.

I've had it off my mom, my MIL, the lady who lives next door and this evening my FIL also gave me a great uninformed speech as to all the benefits of giving a bottle and why I should consider it.

Nobody's reasons include any benefits for the baby but more about why I should do it for the benefit of either me, my DH or them!! I was actually a bit rude to my FIL tonight but he really pissed me off with his implications that I'm selfish for choosing to breast feed because how is my DH supposed to bond if he can't give bottles, and he also implied I was controlling because I was choosing to breast feed so nobody else could look after my baby!

Since when did it be ok to start criticising a mother's choice and why can't people just accept that I'm breast feeding because I want to - not because I'm being forced to against my will, and they should all just leave me to it!!

I was taken aback this weekend when my Mum got quite passionate about 'all this BF hype is a load of rubbish'. I appreciate BF isn't for everyone but seriously, 'a load of rubbish?!' my baby hasn't even arrived yet...

She's obviously well up on the latest information having had me 35 years ago and not at all defensive that I was bottle fed (and massive)

Ignore writer. Try not to engage and enjoy your new squoosh.

I don't know whether I was personally bottle or breastfed, but my MIL breastfed my husband, and my SIL breastfed both of her boys so it is very much the norm in my family. Yes it does mean that you get the lions share of baby time in the first few weeks especially with cluster feeding but there you go! It really pisses me off that cluster feeding isn't mentioned much in antenatal etc - everyone assumes you don't have enough milk. Lots of people stop because they don't know what's going on. Shame really. So YANBU and well done for sticking with it!
I exlusively BF until my son was 6month, then just a couple of feeds a day until 11 months when he went to nursery where he would have BF morning and night and a bottle of formula at lunchtime pre nap if he wanted it. I stopped his 'before bed' feed at 15 months because I was in hospital for 5 days and it just naturally happened. Great experience and I plan to do it all again :-)

Writer I was wondering how you were getting on with your pil - I remember some of your other threads where they (especially fil) were interfering already before baby was born.

Congratulations on your baby and well done on the breast feeding. Could you just avoid pil for a bit if they are getting on your nerves?

I took my mums advice about breast feeding being a bit disgusting and didn't even try to feed DD1 :( (I was v.young and DD1 is now 21)

With DD2 i tried to BF but struggled, had no support, and gave up after a few days.

With DD3 (now 16) i managed! I bought a book on the subject which made all the difference and stuck at it. My mum was very about it all. Cats bum mouth when i was feeding in the same room as her. 'One day nanny will be able to give you a bottle' comments. I BF for 7 weeks and was very proud.

DD4 is 9 weeks old and i am EBF and am interested in how attitudes have changed and it's great how much more support and info there is in general than when DD1 was born. I have no idea how long i'll carry on BF, i dont relish the thought of all that faff with bottles. This time around mum is keeping her ideas more or less to herself. Although when DD4 lost a fair amount of weight in her first week DM told DH that he should tell me to give the baby a bottle

Oh and she keeps on asking if DD is on a 4 hourly feed routine yet. aaarrrgghh.

Stick to your guns OP. And i'm glad it sounds as if you're going great with BF now

You could try a lighthearted approach 'ooh you do seem awfully interested in my BOOBS, fil!' Then laugh your head off and say 'oh this again,' whenever it's mentioned. Try to take the tone of someone indulging the misguided views of someone completely out of date. Which is what you are doing :-)

OP, ask your husband to tell the in-laws that you have been advised by the doctor/midwife/health visitor to breastfeed for health reasons and that they are VERY CONCERNED to hear that close family are not giving you support.

I persevered with BFing under the (with hindsight) somewhat misguided notion that the human race would have been wiped out if breastfeeding really was that impossible.

I just had total faith in my boobs, and figured that up until less than a century ago, women didn't have forumula to fall back on, and so just had to get on with it, and so would I.

I have, of course, since learnt that breastfeeding just isn't as fail-safe as that, but I didn't realise that then, and it probably stood me in good stead.

All this 'topping up with a bottle of formula' business, amd worrying about slow weight gain just didn't make any sense to me when I was struggling to get BFing established. People couldn't just 'top up with formula' 100 years ago. Supply meets demand - put your baby to your breast and keep it there - you just have to trust your breasts.*

I fed my two for a year + each and they both absolutely love their Dad, and their Dad adores them.

• As I say, I've since learnt that it's not that simple for many, but ignorance was bliss at the time.

Here's a link to an NHS leaflet especially produced for uneducated grandparents and other relatives:
www.breastmilk.co.uk/pdfs/Start 4 life - Grandparents Guide To Breastfeeding Leaflet.pdf

I never get that "how will the father bond if you breastfeed?" thing. In just a few short months you will be introducing solid food. Dad can do the feeding (and the cleaning up afterward...) at that point if he's so set on this idea that bonding can only come about through feeding.
Meanwhile he can continue with cuddles and nappy changes and bathing and all the other contact that builds bonds between baby and parents.
You're doing brilliantly.

If you decide to use formula then fine, but as long as it's YOUR choice and no-one else's.

Well done op you are doing a fantastic job, ignore the lot of them! X

Congratulations writer I remember you from some of the pregnancy threads I was on :)

If it helps I am ff ds and get the "oh so you're not feeding him yourself" ie you're not breast feeding then type comments.

Sometimes whatever you do, you just can't win. Keep doing what works for you and your baby and ignore everyone else :)

Yanbu at all. My family were also very unsupportive of my breastfeeding and, because it was something that was so important to me that they refused to respect, I found their comments extremely hurtful. I don't know if your a first time mum or not, but I this can make any sort of criticism very hard to deal with, especially in the early days when you are still so uncertain and emotionally vulnerable. People need to engage their brains before they speak.

It might help if you make it clear to everyone just how important bfing is to you and give reasons why (you shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone, I know, but there are elements that people don't always understand that can lead them to making stupid comments, especially if they aren't used to bf ing. For instance, people aren't always aware of how the demand / supply element of bfing works and so don't understand about not giving the odd bottle. The emotional bond and benefits to the mother also get overlooked).

Luckily for me my bf and his family have been supportive. Do you have anyone around you that you can draw on for support with this issue? A friend or something? I'm just remembering how difficult (but thankfully short lived) those growth spurts can be!

Whenever there's anything wrong with my DS the answer seems to be formula!

My best comeback to the 'give you a break' argument is that when I settle down for a feed I am putting my feet up and if I didn't I would be running myself ragged.

Also you are doing great! I had to reestablish after DS spent his first week in SCBU and can tell you that it gets easier and I have loved doing it.

One of my friends asked,me when my baby was 6 weeks old, how long I was going to breast feed for. Not like a genuine question, more like 'oh my goodness, how long are you going to keep THAT up for?' As if I was feeding a 3 year old. ( not that there's anything wrong with that!)
She had chosen to bottle feed from birth, so I think it was just one of those situations where we'd made very different choices, but I think had it been my first baby and if I'd been in that very sensitive, vulnerable stage, I would have felt a bit hurt. As it was I just told her it was a lot easier than sterilising bottles and packing formula with me,wherever I went.

Yanbu in the least, OP, but I have to laugh, because when I FF when I wasn't able to breastfeed my son, I had a significant minority of people - health professionals, strangers in cafes, other women at NCT coffee morning, once a man in the local park - being condescending, interfering and plain rude when they saw me wielding a bottle!

This was in north London, and when I produced a bottle in a café, I might as well have been wearing a tshirt that said 'Not Bovvered About My Baby'.

I can (sometimes) laugh about it now, two years on, but I had tried so hard to BF, and was panicking so much about my body letting my baby down (as I saw it) that I was terribly sensitive about it, and when a pair of highly-groomed bitches with perfectly-latched babies in a Crouch End café said loudly 'You can always tell a formula-fed baby, because they have that fat, puffy, unhealthy look', I did actually take my beautiful baby into the loo and burst into tears.

I should have got angry rather than upset. Tell your interfering circle that you didn't realise they had medical/midwifery degrees that qualified them to discredit current WHO guidelines. Or tell them to fuck off.

OP - just accept that You Can't Win.

Women who either FF from the start or choose to switch to FF get criticised.

Women who BF (from 5 minutes to 5 years) get criticised.

Everyone has an opinion.

All I can suggest is that you know what you want to do, so just do it. If you can't tune the naysayers out, then just firmly reiterate that you and your DH have made the decision to feed your baby a particular way, you are happy with that decision and your baby is thriving.
And change the subject. Repeat until they get bored.

dammitsue

Are these people trying to push bottles on you the ones who will wash, sterilise, make up at 1 am?? Or will they turn up after a good nights sleep expecting to be handed a made up bottle to give to baby?

This!

Thanks everyone for all your tips and advice on great comebacks

My FIL definitely won't raise the issue again after the reaction he got from me last night but I feel more prepared now to deal with other people's helpful comments

ah Writer I was thinking about you the other day petal as you were posting about being due.

congratulations on the baby.

you feed exactly how you want to. it's your baby.

the thing that riles people about bf is that they can't get in for the cuddles and so get cross. tough tits ( excuse pun)

it's not about their needs it's about your babies.

just literally tell fil to go fuck himself. the shock dm should shut him up! tell mil you are bf on medical advice and that's that.

if they keep on tell your dh to tell them you don't want to see them as they are upsetting you.

at any advice practise saying really in either an incredulous or bored voice. either works.

Burren if I had been with you I would have set the bitches straight! how vile.

personal choice ladies personal choice!!

What a ridiculous comment for your FIL to make! If you keep keep going with his logic he could argue that it was unfair of you to selfishly carry your baby to term and give birth without giving your DH a chance to share in that!! Sorry but biology dictates that the one with the milk-producing breasts does the feeding (barring complications).

I think there was a definite sub-text to your FIL's comment, I suspect he was not so much concerned about your DH's bonding but wanting himself and your MIL to be able to "bond" through giving your baby a bottle.
The more I witness demanding grandparents around babies these days I am convinced that they feel more entitled to try and control how the baby is raised than previous generations.

The more I witness demanding grandparents around babies these days I am convinced that they feel more entitled to try and control how the baby is raised than previous generations.

Sweeping generalisation? I don't know many (any?) like that.

Nanny Ogg.

Nanny Ogg - Fair comment! Sorry, of course my comment was a generalisation I just happen to know several people currently who are all experiencing similar difficulties with DPs/PILs, so in my world it does seem like grandparents are getting pretty demanding.
One of my friends is currently being sued by her ex-PILs for overnight unsupervised visitation rights. They are highly unsuitable to be around children (DV in the house and alcoholism - both of which they are in denial about). BTW -I live in USA. Until now I didn't even know that GPs could sue for visitation rights to GCs.

We had people advising bottles, solids etc and ignored them. DS2 still BF at bedtime and he will be 3 shortly. I know that's not for everyone and fair enough, but stick to your guns until you or your baby decide the time to stop is right.