To think people should stop telling me how to feed my baby!!

[Writerwannabe83]

I have an 11 day old baby who is exclusively breast fed and I've just about had enough now of people offering their 'opinions' as to why I should start giving him bottles of formula.

I've had it off my mom, my MIL, the lady who lives next door and this evening my FIL also gave me a great uninformed speech as to all the benefits of giving a bottle and why I should consider it.

Nobody's reasons include any benefits for the baby but more about why I should do it for the benefit of either me, my DH or them!! I was actually a bit rude to my FIL tonight but he really pissed me off with his implications that I'm selfish for choosing to breast feed because how is my DH supposed to bond if he can't give bottles, and he also implied I was controlling because I was choosing to breast feed so nobody else could look after my baby!

Since when did it be ok to start criticising a mother's choice and why can't people just accept that I'm breast feeding because I want to - not because I'm being forced to against my will, and they should all just leave me to it!!

[MummyBeerest]

Op, I had very little support from my family wrt breastfeeding. It sucked-no pun intended.

I was called:
-a cow
-the human udder
-an exhibitionist
-National Geographic

...among others. I cried every time.

I tried polite replies, explaining my feelings, sharing the benefits...not much helped. So just saying "if this is going to be an issue every time I see you, I won't be anymore."

DD is 20 months and still bfing. Family has put up and shut up. Some have even apologized after seeing how well DD is doing and actually hearing praise from breastfeeding professionals.

Hang in there. Congratulations on your DS and welcome to Motherhood-it's a jungle!

[Writerwannabe83]

The more responses I read the more shocked I am about the number of women who were unsupported by their families. Being called an exhibitionist for doing something so incredibly natural is just insane!!

Thankfully my sister breast fed her children so I have her to talk to about it and two of my best friends had babies within the last year and they breast fed too (one of them still is) so I have them to turn to as well.

Four days after DS was born (so my first day at home) one of our neighbours came round who is male and the only reason I know him is because his dog once attacked my cat and I went banging on his door to scream at him. Anyway, he knocked on our front door and my DH answered but I could hear the conversation and he asked outright if I was breast or bottle feeding. WTF? What business is it of his?! However, he was very pro breast feeding and said, "If I can give your wife one piece of advice it's to breast feed for as long as possible!" It was all very surreal seeing as we only know each other to say hello in the street if we are passing. Mind you, he also used to knock on the front door when I was pregnant and start rubbing my bump and asking how my pregnancy was going....

He may be a bit strange but he's the only one on my side so far

[cloggal]

But see, to me, while he is supportive of the choice you happen to have made, he's out of order just like your relatives by dispensing this helpful advice. If you had been failing to feed, or even had chosen ff, this would be as unhelpful as some of the crap you've had from FIL.

Just how I see it mind, but as I say, I think feeding is a huge red herring here...

[MummyBeerest]

It's odd where you do find support!

I had a group of muscle-heads coming out of the gym give me a nod and smile and said how awesome it is that more women are breastfeeding.

"It should be a protein shake!" One said.

Umm..yeah! Thanks random man!

[cloggal]

Ah pressed send too quick. Glad you have support though from your sister and friends. I think most people will not give a tiny toss, it's the awkward ones you have to deal with!

[cloggal]

Mummybeerest that does however restore my faith in something, I like the image!

[Writerwannabe83]

I would hope cloggal that had my DH told the nosey neighbour I was FF he wouldn't have passed comments about breast feeding. However, due to his inappropriateness and his poor understanding of social boundaries then who knows....

[alemci]

how ridiculous. take no notice. better for your babies health, gut, teeth etc in the long run.

why is wanting the best start for your baby selfish.

why would you want to use formula if you are happy breastfeeding. stay strong

[cloggal]

I hope so too. He sounds, er, eager....

[alemci]

I think it depends how they fed their own dc. I was bf and I remember my dm feeding my ds so it just seemed normal for me.

my in laws bottle fed as did my dhs nanny so I felt pressurised by them but kept going.

my dad was fine and supportive. so glad I did bf my 3.

I know not everyone can but could formula be linked to some of the obese dc we see.

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

My family are all horrified that I am still BF DS2 at 15 months. He has teeth! He eats solid food! And worst of all he can even ASK for it! Cue shudders of revulsion and horror.

I am used to it now and don't care what they think, but it would be nice to get some encouragement or support.

The most frustrating thing is that my sister has twins (8 months, FF from birth) and she is always going on about my 'poor' DS2 being BF and how he must really want a bottle, poor thing, imagine getting yucky breast milk. All the while trying to pass him a bottle of Aptamil, which he tends to throw on the floor. Can you imagine if I said the same about her twins getting formula and offered them my boob?! She'd never forgive me! I have never commented on her feeding choices, other than to be supportive.

Anyway, YANBU OP, keep up the good work! :)

[Writerwannabe83]

I agree, I do think it makes a difference as to how the people themselves fed their own babies.

On my side of the family only me and my sister have breast fed - all other females gave bottles.

On my DH's side of the family, my MIL bottle fed her two children and the other 2 grandchildren (from my DH's brother) were bottle fed too. MIL had tried to breast feed my DH (who was her first born) but apparently he didn't put on any weight and ended up quite unwell in hospital - maybe she is just worried about the same thing happening to my baby?

[cloggal]

Some of us did both :)
I agree, depending on what people did themselves they can be very defensive/strident in their own ideas. I got stick from both sides. It really, really does cut both ways. Having to justify your own choices or the reasons why one option didn't work is exhausting, so it's best to just leave them to their ignorance.

[cloggal]

IWillOnly, that's disgraceful - you totally should offer a boob in response.

[Writerwannabe83]

I had to resurrect this thread because I'm seriously PISSED off!

Poor DS has got bad colic and has been vomiting after his feeds - HV thinks he has reflux so we have an appointment with the GP this afternoon.

My Grandad phoned earlier - who has previously made negative comments about me breast feeding - to ask how things were. I told him about DS's reflux and his response was, "Well it's probably your milk that's making him ill, you get all kinds of weird permutations in human milk"

I was livid!!

Why is it that something so natural is seen as something negative?!

Every animal feeds it young but why is it a bad thing if a human happens to do it?!

I was so upset - I was tearful when I put the phone down

[ExBrightonBell]

Is your Grandad otherwise a nice person? Was he aware how upset you were with his comment?

Unless he happens to be an expert in human lactation, and knows something the rest of us don't, then his comments are laughable. The only response to a comment like that is "don't be ridiculous". You could also point out to him that comments like that aren't helpful.

I hope the GP can get to the bottom of what's going on with your DS.

[Maisie0]

I do not have my own babies yet, but my sister just had her own first born as well. She did breast feed. Out of my siblings, I was the only one who was not breastfed when I was a young child. My immune system is definitely lower than my siblings'. There are 4 of us. So I would say that, stay strong and try to feed as long as you can until he starts teething. You may need to switch and integrate soft food with a feed as well. i.e. soft mushy food during the day, and breast milk to sleep at night. Maybe a night feed, rather than to say all feeds are breast milk to slowly wean him off. I thought that the NHS encourages women to breast feed now because it is of benefit to children overall ? It does create a stronger immune system as they grow. If you want to encourage daddy bonding too, then you can give the baby to daddy for burping after feeding. Babies do sense those around them and they do recognise who is with them. So it gives you some room as well and a breather. Colic also happens with formula anyway, because you have to becareful in getting rid of all the air bubbles even before feeding, otherwise the baby will indeed get air into their tummy.

Ev1lEdna I am really sorry to hear what happened to you. I was also in the ward too when my sister tried to feed, and I was with my mom. We were so worried in the earlier days because the baby was not being fed. What came to light though and in hindsight, was that baby had a tied-tongue. So sis had to push a little bit further in in order to get the baby to feed. We were lucky that we had a nurse who was a mother and checked this asap before she then tried and help my sister to feed. I just read today that 1 in 10 babies will have their tongue tied. The other thing was also that, if you have an induced birth, then your body may not go into a state whereby it will produce milk naturally. I know that in Asia, mummies are encouraged to have a caesarian. Quick book in, give birth, then a quick exit. But in doing so, the body does not actually go through all the natural steps and produce milk afterwards. This could be why also. Out of us 4, I just realised that I was the last baby that my mother gave birth to and I was born via a caesarian as well. This was why I was bottle-fed because my mum couldn't produce the milk because she had a caesarian. I was born in the 70s, and I guess it was kind of risky then too, as my mom was also in her late 30s at the time.

[tiktok]

Lot of misinfo in your post, Maisie :( :(

Biggest error is to say induction or caesarean leads to no milk. 100 per cent incorrect - hope no one reads your post and thinks it's all true!

[ExBrightonBell]

I know that Maisie has replied to the OP and not to the recent update, but I just wanted to disagree with a couple of points she's made as I feel it's important....

Firstly, the OPs baby is only a few weeks old - you should not be suggesting that she feeds her baby solid food, or that she should cut down on night feeds. This is just plain wrong, and dangerous advice.

Secondly, production of milk post-natally is triggered by the removal of the placenta. Giving birth via induction or c section doesn't affect this at all. "Not having any milk" or having a delay in milk coming in doesn't relate to method of delivery. In the 1970s in the UK there was poor support for breastfeeding and formula was very popular. As a result lots of women were told they couldn't bfeed when a lot of them probably could have done with the correct information and support.

[babyboomersrock]

OP, can you tell your fil and your Grandad that's it's completely inappropriate for them to be discussing breastfeeding with you? I don't know what age they are, but all this approval or disapproval from men of any age doesn't sit comfortably with me.

I note someone upthread said her father had disapproved but now sits and strokes the baby's head while the baby feeds - that strikes me as weird too. Why are they unable to leave you to feed your baby without being involved in some way?

It is not their business. It is also not your female relatives' business.

Your life isn't your own, OP. Can't you tell them all to back off and let you bring your own child up in peace? Otherwise, this interference is going to get worse. It's breastfeeding now - soon it will be sleeping, or staying over at other people's homes. Unless you secretly relish all the company and attention, I'd make a stand now. It sounds downright claustrophobic.

Do you have friends of your own age? Could you spend more time with them so that your families accept that you have a life of your own? They don't seem to see you as independent.

Enjoy your baby and try to make them see you have a life apart from them.

[babyboomersrock]

This was why I was bottle-fed because my mum couldn't produce the milk because she had a caesarian. I was born in the 70s, and I guess it was kind of risky then too, as my mom was also in her late 30s at the time

Sorry, that's just not true. I had mine in the 70s/80s. My last baby was born by emergency c-section after a long labour (I was induced and she was an undetected brow presentation) - I was exhausted, had general anaesthetic etc. I breastfed her immediately I woke up and continued for over a year. I was 39.

There are so many unhelpful myths peddled around breastfeeding.

[Writerwannabe83]

My son was also born by c-section and there's definitely no problem with my milk.

Apparently my Grandad has been moaning about my milk behind my back too - he phoned my sister about my DS being in hospital and told her about his theory too... [ hmm]

The Consultant thinks DS has a bit of a tummy bug, nothing sinister and so I sent my Grandad a bit of an arsey text saying that the doctors were happy that I wasn't poisoning the baby with my milk.

[Maisie0]

Sorry, I should be more specific. I did not mean to alarm everyone.
I think it is the labour stage which makes the difference.

• In some SE Asian countries, you can specify to deliver your baby early. That is a different method to that of which we have here in the UK. So therefore you can choose which day is appropiate for you in approximation, deliver the baby by caesarian. Without going into labour first. I do not know if the mothers can produce milk naturally via this method because her body does not go through the natural steps. I do know that most babies are then brought up on forumla. It could be misinformation, I don't know. I know that in SE Asia, there is like a fight for forumla now because of certain contamination.
  

• On the note about breastfeeding and the duration. I did not mean to imply that the new born baby needs to eat soft food asap, but what I am trying to say is, I do support the OP in her breastfeeding. I genuinely do believe that BF do increase the baby's immune system. I think the NHS is supporting this now.
  

• 1970s. My other 3 siblings were born in HK at the time. My brothers were born naturally at home and my sister in a hospital I think. Then I was born in Northern Ireland. I think she could not abort me legally either. This is why I think where my mother was concerned, I do not think that her experience or her hospital was in the same way as my SIL who gave birth in the 90s, and in England. I may agree with you that having a caesarian may not stop the milk production. (My sil gave birth in the 1990s via a last minute caesarian.) I do know that with my mother, she did have complication afterwards too. I do not know the details. I know that I was bottle-fed. I do not think that it was one of those hands on standby caesarian situation which I know my siblings now have gone through, and is an option on offer now.
  

I will check again with my sister about her experience. There was a process conflict which she mentioned that it could indeed stop milk production. She had her water break first. Then her body kind of went into shock. She then had induction, but this also did not work either. There was something else which she mentioned that she had. She did have an epidural too. She did also have an emergency caesarian at that later stage.

----
I am one of these females that also support breastfeeding too. I am also surprised that there are so many people that do not breastfeed. I thought that was crazy, cos I had the assumption that most moms do BF too. So reading this thread is very surprising to me.

Also, may I add that the OP try to get support from her partner. I also think that the mothering aspect really do not have anything to do with the extended family than the couple alone.

Even as an auntie when I pick up my nephew, I can tell when he feels insecure and want his mother. I think this bonding is very important to bring him security. So I totally support this kind of child-rearing. I just normally help with other things. Like feeding my sister and keep her hydrated and things like that. I was also brought up differently as well, and I know that I would not swap this kind of moment for anything. Cos I was raised by my grandmother and not by my mother. Which does not help things at all.

[LoonvanBoon]

Writer, hope your little boy is feeling better now. Sorry you're still getting so much crap about BF - really frustrating.

Maybe you're one of these people who is so nice & open that everyone feels comfortable telling you what they think. But like baby upthread says, it sounds like you have a lot of people who are way too involved & much too free with their opinions! That bit isn't about BF - it's about boundaries.

Can't you tell them all to back off and let you bring your own child up in peace? Otherwise, this interference is going to get worse. It's breastfeeding now - soon it will be sleeping, or staying over at other people's homes. Unless you secretly relish all the company and attention, I'd make a stand now. It sounds downright claustrophobic.

Completely agree with all the above. You need to stamp on this now, or it absolutely will be carried over into all your other parenting decisions.

[Raskova]

I have also been told the 70s were very anti bf. my gran bf my uncle. The midwife started talking about ff and gran said no, I'm breast feeding. She says she can still remember the look of disgust on her face.

My dad's mum never tried to bf (his dad says bitterly so could all be lies from a bitter XH) she was a nurse.

I had a c section and had plenty of milk