To think people should stop telling me how to feed my baby!!

[Writerwannabe83]

I have an 11 day old baby who is exclusively breast fed and I've just about had enough now of people offering their 'opinions' as to why I should start giving him bottles of formula.

I've had it off my mom, my MIL, the lady who lives next door and this evening my FIL also gave me a great uninformed speech as to all the benefits of giving a bottle and why I should consider it.

Nobody's reasons include any benefits for the baby but more about why I should do it for the benefit of either me, my DH or them!! I was actually a bit rude to my FIL tonight but he really pissed me off with his implications that I'm selfish for choosing to breast feed because how is my DH supposed to bond if he can't give bottles, and he also implied I was controlling because I was choosing to breast feed so nobody else could look after my baby!

Since when did it be ok to start criticising a mother's choice and why can't people just accept that I'm breast feeding because I want to - not because I'm being forced to against my will, and they should all just leave me to it!!

Every night my 21 month old has a big breastfeed, unlatches and then goes and sits in the crook of his dad's arm to fall asleep.

When my mum asked me why i was bf i told her the usual stuff including it being free. She offered to buy me a tub of formula every week.

Every conversation consists of 'Have u given the baby a proper feed yet?'

My dp isn't supportive as it means I'm not able to do as much housework & childcare as normal due to feeding the baby. I've asked for help, his solution? Let him give baby a bottle of formula...

Yanbu!
I bf, mixed fed then ff and at every stage someone disapproved. Happy baby at every point and the right decision for him, but that doesn't stop people sticking their oar in.
Ignore, ignore, ignore and do what is best for you an your baby - and that goes for more than feeding too.

This reminds me of my mil's and mum's comments.. Admittely they were raising babies in the early 70s when they thought that there was no better balanced nutrtion than the scientifically proven formula

wheremysocks - every single paragraph you wrote made me

My FIL said, " you don't want to become one of 'those mothers' who never leaves the house or leaves the baby (due to breast feeding). There are 3 other people who can look after him!" - by this he meant my DH, my MIL and himself! I said that I have no intention of being housebound as I'll more than happily BF in public if I need to and that seeing as baby is only 11 days old then he shall remain by my side!

He also asked ( told us) if MIL could be the first person to take our baby outside for a walk in his pram. Me and DH had already said we wanted to do 'Baby's first walk' together and DH made this clear. He said MIL can do the second if she so pleases!

I almost wanted to shout, "He's our baby, not yours!"

Everyone is entitled to their opinion but should be obliged to keep their opinions to themselves!
I breastfed my DS on demand, sometimes when he was tiny and cluster feeding it probably seemed like I was feeding him all the time. PIL and SIL in particular we're very against its although all the advice I'd had from midwife etc said that I was doing the right thing. I also felt pushed into giving formula, especially at night and as DS was quite a big baby. I think part of it was because MIL never breastfed and SIL couldn't so some ignorance/resentment there but their own issues should not affect what you do with your baby. Also I think MIL longed to give DS a bottle and look after him on her own but I didn't want to be away from my very young baby. I wish I hadn't taken any notice. Now pregnant with DC2 and this time around will not take any crap from anyone! Mum knows best!

More comments received today but from my Grandad this time.

Telling me that breast feeding isn't for everyone and that should I realise it isn't working for me and DS then I need to give formula and I shouldn't be so adamant about wanting to solely breast feed. He said it's all well and good saying 'breast is best' but that for some babies it isn't and it means the baby can't grow properly because it isn't getting enough nourishment.

I just sat there God Smacked. The way he said it was as if I'm destined to fail. It really does feel that everyone has no faith in me or my ability to feed my baby properly and that any baby who is denied formula is somehow being neglected and malnourished.

I did lose my temper a little bit and asked him how he could say such a thing to me, especially as DS is showing all the positive signs of being well fed and hydrated...I.e nice and alert, really good weight gain, lots of wet and dirty nappies etc. I told him that breast feeding is actually going REALLY well and baby is thriving....so then he pointed out the fact that baby still has some residual jaundice - that's because I won't give him any bottles of formula apparently....

Good grief. OP these people are sucking the life out of you. Your baby is only 11 days old and you both need to rest. Any chance you can see less of them? They are really ganging up ffs. I cannot believe the request re first pram walk. That's an outrage.

This thread has made me very angry on your behalf OP. my dd had jaundice, no one told me to give her a bottle! I am at 15 weeks now EBF, and no one in my family has been rude. Except MIL keep asking when I'm weaning her but that's because she's daft and forgetful not rude!
Ignore them all, you're doing absolutely fantastic OP :)

Avoid them all for a while! Offering a hug and a Oh, and get into babywearing too, because that will really hack them off

This widespread ignorance surrounding breastfeeding and normal newborn behaviour is staggering really.

I got similar guff when DD was born more than 3 years ago but, fortunately, I was able to distance myself from it mostly because we have no family nearby. Although this meant absolutely no support network, it was actually easier for me to carry on with my "misguided" ways of feeding on demand, cosleeping and merrily making a "rod for my own back" in many other ways.

Please don't let these fools get to you and don't doubt yourself, it sounds as though you're doing really well.

Congratulations and hope you and your baby are doing well.

Well done for persevering with BF. The older generations just don't get it...but you're doing the best thing for your baby. Just ignore them.

FWIW babies OF COURSE bond with their mother more than any other person. In my experience, it flips to daddy time after a year or two. Enjoy this time with your baby. Hugs.

PS one member of my family told my husband (without me knowing) that co-sleeping would make our son gay. So wrong, on so many levels!

I am at the point where I can not read your posts... it is seriously not good for my blood pressure. poor you. tell them to piss off and blame it on the baby blues!

Oh my word. Am shocked. It never entered into my head to formula feed dd and no-one ever suggested I do. Wondering if it's a regional thing as everyone here from NCT to midwives and HV to local surestart centre were nothing but pro breastfeeding. Infact the three girls in my NCT who were unable to bf were made to feel like the odd ones out (sad as it was due to medical issues and they were all gutted).

OP if you are lucky enough to be able to bf it's the most natural/normal thing in the world. Tell your family to do some research on benefits of bf before opening their mouths!!

Or you could send them my way. I still bf dd 18 months and will happily get one of my gaps out infront of them

Or even my baps be a bit worrying if I got my gappy bits out!!

Bless you, OP, just smile and nod at the lot of them.

You know you that are right, and that they are completely wrong. There is plenty of evidence-based information you could give them, but it might be best not to bother.

They will give up telling you what to do in time. In their own way, they are probably trying to be helpful.

Might be best not to start any arguments they won't forgive you for. After all, you have to live with these people forever, and they are your baby's family.

I actually trained as a breastfeeding supporter because I was so sick of being told what to do. I wanted to know for myself what the evidence for breast-is-best actually is, and I wanted to help other women get through what you are going through. Since then, I have realised that the few weeks after birth are a ridiculously difficult time for lots of new mums, with everybody giving them advice on all sorts of things, and even health professionals contradicting each other.

Do what YOU think best, based on the best information you have.

Could you get in touch with a local breastfeeding network? That might reassure you hugely, and give you the strength to grin at you family when they stick their oars in.

A message of hope: I had all the same sorts of negative comments from my mother-in-law about breastfeeding, and it was horribly difficult for both of us at the time. Five years later, she doesn't bat an eyelid when I feed my second toddler in front of her and she has become really supportive Just hang in there

Thanks everyone, I think the issue is that before me (and my sister who breast fed her son) every baby was formula fed. The same goes for DH's side of the family, formula was used and breast feeding was seen as something 'out there' mothers try but eventually fail at and give formula anyway. Family members keep telling me their own breast feeding experience and the harm it caused their baby and it's an assumption that at some point I'm also going to have to stop. My mum is very anti-breast feeding and when my sister was breast feeding our mum would constantly make negative comments including, "It's disgusting, I can't believe you're choosing to do that." I'm pretty sure my mum wouldn't dare say something like that to me though!

I absolutely love breast feeding but it does seem to be the norm now (where I live anyway) to give formula. When I was in hospital for 3 days having the baby I shared my bay with 9 other women over the course of my admission and I was the only one breast feeding. I had trouble establishing feeding and only 36 hours after being born the Doctors were telling me to give him a bottle of formula. There was very little support to continue breastfeeding - it's sad really that the most natural thing in the world is being made out to be insufficient and not a good enough way to nourish a baby.

Writer, your experience is fairly typical of where I live There is an established culture of formula feeding, and most people (perhaps sub-consciously) seem to think that babies only look 'right' with bottles in their mouths. They expect to be able to share in the feeding - even though current advice is that even if baby is formula fed this should be by the same person each time if at all possible.

It's hard for people to go against their established culture, and they don't necessarily want to re-examine all their thoughts and assumptions. No doubt they all want the best for the baby and for you. If you were deciding to feed the baby weetabix and houmous at 3 months old, they would be right to interfere - breastfeeding seems equally weird and far-out to them, and so many of them probably think they are right to interfere now (even though they are clearly wrong!)

If people have tried breastfeeding and failed because they didn't get the right support/information, this can make them irrationally defensive, and sometimes they transfer their own issues on to you.

However, it sounds like your mum has a serious hang-up about breastfeeding. "Disgusting" is a strong word. She is going to take a lot of smiling and nodding at! Maybe you will need to have just one conversation with her about how this is what you've chosen to do, and that you need her support to do the best you can for your baby.

Strangely enough my mom hasn't said anything negative to me about breastfeeding - I purposefully talk to her loads about it, saying how well it's going and sharing funny stories about leaking boobs etc and she seems genuinely interested. The ironic thing about her thoughts about it being 'disgusting' is that she breast fed my sister (her first born) - she didn't breast feed me though. When she passed one comment about how I should 'just put him on bottles' I replied in a way that showed I wasn't impressed with her suggestion and said that breast milk is my preferred choice for feeding she said, "Then I guess that means you were a deprived baby because you had formula!"

It seems that whenever I say anything to people about me choosing to breast feed they go straight on the defensive!

Congratulations on your baby, OP.

I FF from the start and whilst DP did quite a lot of feeding at the start I do nearly all of it now and he is neither more nor less bonded to DD by this fact.

It sounds to me like FiL is jealous and wants to feed LO himself.

You can't win. I've ended up having to FF ( didn't want to ) and while me and ds were in hospital a really nosey old lady in a " breastfeeding expert" t shirt kept poking her head round my privacy curtain berating me for giving my ds a bottle.

It seems whatever you do , someone always has to belittle your parenting skills.

Likewise every other person I meet tells me my 7 week old should be sleeping through the night as it seems their babies did this from about 3 seconds old or something ridiculous !

Good for you for breastfeeding , I'm sad I couldn't do it. Enjoy x

Well done for persevering with BF. The older generations just don't get it...but you're doing the best thing for your baby. Just ignore them

I breastfed both my babies for over a year.

Nanny0gg
(older generation)

Sorry OP. I think you're doing all the right things and you'll just have to grow a thicker hide.
Strangely enough I was the only one of my family to bf and no-one turned a hair.

Sorry for the hijack but I have to pick up on the sweeping generalisations that keep cropping up on MN these days.

I agree, I do think that certain comments are being made because they're missing out on feeding the baby and those attitudes are the ones that piss me off the most - and when it is implied that I'm purposefully choosing to breast feed so that I don't have to share my baby...well, it is just so insulting.

Your DH sounds lovely.

Make it clear to everyone, including your FIL, that you have no idea why he thinks you would want his opinion.

Well done you. BF is exhausting!