Unfairness to childless women

[zeezeek]

It does seem that on here at the moment, as well as in society in general, we seem to be completely unsympathetic towards and misunderstanding towards people who do not (for whatever reason) have children.

I spent most of my adult life without children - after having cancer treatment I assumed I was infertile, so it was a damn miracle when I got pregnant once, let alone twice.

I have lost count of the number of times that I was told that I did not understand because I did not have children; how I had to make allowances for parents because they needed to be with their children; how it was less important for me to see my teacher parents during school holidays than it was for a parent to spend time with their child.....you name the cliché, I heard it.

When my children were born I did not find the meaning of life. At the age of nearly 45 I still wonder if there is one.

Having children didn't suddenly make me appreciate things more - surviving a life threatening illness had already done that.

My dogs are still the centre of my (and my DDs) universe - although my DDs are there as well, even if my dogs are better behaved.

More than anything, I am not more worthy, more important than I was before I had children and I don't see why the world should revolve around me (or my children) just because I happened to have sex with my husband at the right time and get myself knocked up.

Rant over.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

helloboys - I guess where you are at in your life largely determines how comments such as "You'll have kids one day", "You don't know what it's like to be a mother" are taken.

I can imagine when i was twenty something if someone said that to me just thinking 'what an old fart' and thinking no more of it (not saying now the old fart remark was ok!) but then someone e.g. who has recently has failed IVF is not going to take it so lightly.

we had to delay ttc due to being responsible for 2 terminally ill parents (I was secondary carer for someone effectively tetraplegic). with the lower chance of success i was aware that trying for a baby makes you vulnerable to failure whereas deciding to not try can be quite self affirming.

[HelloBoys]

YouAre - as far as I can recall I was about 20ish when those comments were first said, once from a teenage mother best friend of mine who was bitter at having got pregnant at 18 and regretted at the time (not later) having kids then.

The other people I think said it were probably a close work colleague, friend of my mum's, close friend etc and said at times in late 20s/early 30s. But it was also when I was in an awful relationship (longterm) where if I'd got pregnant it would be have been dire to have kids then.

I agree if you're TTC via IVF etc then you will be more sensitive than at another more carefree time.

so sorry you had to delay TTC due to caring but one does what one can at the time - re your parents. Some people would TTC regardless of your situation. Glad it worked out well for you!

[CheesyBadger]

I also get comments along the lines of I have no idea as I only have one. Apparently in some circles, parenting only counts when you have a brood

[HelloBoys]

Deathwatch - yes so true re kids looking after their parents in old age not necessarily being true or the right thing!

My friend (see post before) who got pregnant at 18 did so partly so escape her mother who was quite ill and made statements like "Cassandra will look after me when I'm in a wheelchair". Cassandra of course was having none of it, moved out as soon as she got pregnant. ironically when things went tits up when her DC were both 5 and 3 she actually moved to the same small seaside town where her mother lived with the help of her mother, to sort of help out (but then mother and daughter fell out again for good).

What happens also, if say the child dies before the parent, they can't look after the parent then.

and like you say some kids have diabolical NC relationships with parents and would either cut ties completely or put parents in a home whatever happened.

[HelloBoys]

Cheesy that is ridiculous, so one is (well of course it is as only one child later on!) far less hard work eg as a baby etc. I suppose they'd only be happy if you had say 8 kids like Octomom.

People forget only children in effect need more attention, stimulus etc as they have no siblings to play with annoy etc.

and what if you can only have one child for health/age reasons etc?!

Ignore the idiots who say that re one child!

[HelloBoys]

sorry I meant to put, that people mean that one is far less hard work as a baby which is total rubbish!!!

[CheesyBadger]

Thanks it annoys me as unless I am run off my feet, it doesn't count. My dd is quite quiet and yes does need a lot of time from me, so we read and play, go out etc just like everyone else. I don't doubt that more is a juggling act but I am just as much of a valid parent.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

hello - yes it has worked out for me albeit in the strangest of ways: I have not had a child yet as the pregnancies have only ended in miscarriages but I am optimistic about the future.

DFs condition meant he became like a 6 foot toddler: needed spoon feeding and prone to tantrums. I don't know how anyone could ttc in the midst of that and I did not want to let my family down. enough people has already done that and there were only two of us left. to leave one person to care for a 6 foot toddler would be the actions of a total dickhead!

It will be nice to care for someone who learns and develops not loses the ability to do anything. I have learnt enough about death and dying for now. I want to learn about new life.

but the good thing about hard times is they make you more resilient for what life throws at you. I will live a good life whatever happens.

[zeezeek]

Like someone said upthread, I also remember being expected to look after young children at family events (without asking if I minded) and also being handed babies - which, even now, I absolutely hate.

[zeezeek]

To clarify - it's the handing of the babies with the assumption that I want a cuddle with them that I hate, not the actual baby. However, as I'm totally useless with them (apart from my own) they scream the house down and need removing and soothing soon after!

[StampyIsMyBoyfriend]

cheesybadger I'm mum to an only too, and I completely agree. At our school, the three under five is aspirational & I'm not a 'real' mummy to some. I'm a part timer, similar to owning a puppy... What do I do all day!? (Work, volunteer, clean the house as it happens) but since I don't have one in school, a baby and a toddler at home... I'm laughing! Never mind many of these mums have well paid husbands, and cleaners...

[Lioninthesun]

Believe me, it gets a lot worse when you have one. Especially if you are on your own!
Oh to be a man with no expectations on you or responsibilities!

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Women get criticised whatever choices they make (or situations they find themsleves in) - my SIL had 3 under 5, she's been asked several times why she was so selfish given global population growth and the impact on the environment. Women with onlies get criticised for not giving their child a sibling. Women with none get criticised for not having children. Women with two of the same sex get criticised for not having one of each sex. I bet women with one of each get criticised for something, even if it's just extra tutting about their parenting techniques. Women with a small gap between children get blamed when they are overwhelmed and women with large gaps get blamed for spreading it out. Younger mothers get blamed, older mothers get blamed. IVF is villified by some.

I don't think our society likes the fact that only women can have children - it's almost seen as immoral - and so women are criticised for all outcomes.