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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's rude to ask someone if they're pregnant

42 replies

PuffyPigeon · 24/03/2014 22:04

I'm six weeks pregnant and have been asked three times this week if I'm pregnant, twice in front of 7 year old dd whom I don't want to tell until after the first scan. Now she's asking questions and I hate being in the position that I have to tell her sooner or effectively lie.

Similarly, a friend had a baby last month. She hadn't been on the school run since her third month of pregnancy as her mum was helping out because she had a problem with her pelvis. Last week she arrived to collect her dd to be asked by another mum when her baby was due. She pointed to the pram and said 'four weeks ago' but looked like she might cry.

Aibu in thinking it's rude to ask someone if they're pregnant and a topic that should only be discussed if the potential pregnant person brings it up?

OP posts:

theborrower · 24/03/2014 22:07

YANBU, it is rude. Even if people have guessed, they should assume/realise that there's a reason they've not been told, so should mind their own business.

meditrina · 24/03/2014 22:08

Yes, of course it's rude. It's hard to think of a more personal question than one concerning the contents of someone else's uterus.

(That said, DD and I are dying to know if one of her teachers is. We cannot possibly ask, but DD is sure she's shape shifting and so of course I'm string and wondering now).

DoJo · 24/03/2014 22:08

YANBU - unless someone brings it up, enquiring as to what's going in their uterus is a step too far.

littlebluedog12 · 24/03/2014 22:14

I never would- we recently spent a weekend with a couple and the wife wasn't drinking because she was 'on antibiotics'- I was dying to ask, especially when she looked a bit green in the morning... 2 weeks later we got the announcement

But we went through 2 years of fertility treatment before the DC and I remember quitting drinking in the hope it might help us ttc- it was horrible when people assumed I was pregnant.

BurnThisDiscoDown · 24/03/2014 22:14

Yes it is. Especially if they follow up when you say no by saying "well you look as if you're pregnant".

OlympiaFox · 24/03/2014 22:14

yanbu, for some reason an acquaintance never mentioned her pregnancy until the baby arrived, I pretended not to notice her 7 month looking bump because I thought if she was she'd mention it and I didn't want to upset her if she was just getting a bit fat.

That other mother should have noticed your friends baby had already arrived since she had the pram with the baby in it with her. I wouldn't take offence from anyone that oblivious though, she probably never even looked at your friend below head level.

Bankholidaybaby · 24/03/2014 22:24

Someone made a comment to me earlier about how they'd seen my belly when I de-slinged my seven month old son and how sweet it was. It took so many seconds to register what she had meant that, by the time I realised that she thought I am pregnant, she had gone.

I'm not pregnant. It's my biscuit baby.

Bankholidaybaby · 24/03/2014 22:24

Oh, it's rude. V. rude.

HopefulHamster · 24/03/2014 22:33

YANBU

I am potentially pregnant - I say potentially as I'm convinced something has gone wrong and I'll find out at the scan this week. I have had losses before. I am dreading people asking me, as I am quite bloated at the moment due to the meds I'm on (and/or the baby).

I work with a man who I suspect overheard a phone call with my GP about it. He hasn't outright said anything but at least once a week asks how many children I want and when I want to have them and so on (it's clear that he's hinting btw, not just polite chit-chat).

It's awful because I don't feel like I can lie when I am pregnant, but I don't want to tell the truth because a) he is the last person I'd tell and b) I am so worried that I've miscarried again.

He and his partner aren't at the ttc stage yet and I suspect he thinks pregnancy is something fun to gossip about and something that's easy to do. One day I will snap at him. Sigh. Not really his fault, but...

Don't ask someone unless you are sure they are more than three months along - maybe don't even ask then! You have no idea if they are able to tell people yet or what they might be going through.

mameulah · 24/03/2014 22:37

I totally agree. This happened to me twice. Both times I was asked by people who would be the last to know. Funny that eh?

flameprincess · 24/03/2014 22:44

An elderly lady stopped me in the street once to put her hand on my belly and tell me she 'just knew' it was going to be a strong boy. I wasn't pregnant - I was pushing my 10 month old DS in his buggy

MarthasHarbour · 24/03/2014 22:45

Definitely rude yes

I lost my last baby at 21 weeks due to multiple organ failure. A week after i lost him DH and i went to the allotment to do some digging and generally try to clear our minds for the afternoon. One of the elderly tenants stopped me and said 'oo look at you - are you pregnant?'

I wanted to curl up and die

Fingers crossed for you hopefulhamster my friend went through something similar the other week - thankfully her baby is fine - i sincerely hope yours is too

hunreeeal · 24/03/2014 22:55

YANBU. Anyone who's pregnant and wants to tell you will mention it soon. Anyone who isn't, or doesn't, won't. Either way you wait to be told.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 24/03/2014 23:01

I seem to remember this thread has been done before a while ago and the consensus was that unless the baby is actually crowning that it's rude to ask or assume. People may be struggling ttc, struggling after a loss, or like me just fat and slightly pissed off about it.

StrawberryGashes · 24/03/2014 23:04

Yanbu, a friend of mine (not a close friend) just recently asked me that and it's made me go off her quite a bit tbh.

Tryingtobetidy · 24/03/2014 23:06

YANBU, it is nobody's business. I have been asked when I have been bloated because of IBS

Lighthousekeeping · 24/03/2014 23:06

I have mixed feelings. Personally I would never ask as I'm superstitious but, if you work with peopke who are constantly going on about trying and POAS all the time, saying that they feel sick every morning etc. it's like they want you to ask. It's a minefield!

balenciaga · 24/03/2014 23:06

Yanbu

HopefulHamster · 24/03/2014 23:07

Thanks MarthasHarbour, and so sorry to hear about your loss.

I hope I am just being paranoid, but no symptoms to ease my restless mind. So a wait and see game for now :)

archshoes · 24/03/2014 23:10

Confession time. I have been slow to realise that this is rude [blank]
Dropped myself and the person I asked in it. It was a crowded place. I asked her [thought she definitely was], she had to lie.
Because she was but not very far gone, and hadnt yet told anyone. Further . Naughty archshoes. Not at all sure why it has taken me so long to realise this.

Alisvolatpropiis · 24/03/2014 23:11

But you are pregnant aren't you?

Do you usually drink/smoke/eat sushi? Suddenly ceasing to do usual things which are generally speaking out of bounds for pregnant women is going have people questioning it.

If random strangers are asking you, well to be frank, you need to take a deep breath and either let it go or tell them to piss off.

chattychattyboomba · 24/03/2014 23:12

YANBU. It's extremely rude and inappropriate. If it's something the pregnant person wanted you to know, they would tell you.
I once lost it with a friend of DH's who was pestering me constantly in front of friends saying "come on just tell us you're pregnant are you?"
I screamed at him after trying to fob him off all night "ffs! If I wanted you to know, I would have told you myself, but thanks for stealing that from me when I haven't even told my own fucking family!!!!" Dickhead. I still get angry thinking about it. Completely inappropriate and RUDE RUDE RUDE!
Deep breaths. Phew.

kategod · 24/03/2014 23:14

YANBU. We TTC for seven years with multiple IVFs - there were many low points during that time, but the lowest point of all was when the woman behind the counter in my bank congratulated me, really loudly, on being pregnant... (I wasn't fat, just wearing a very baggy shirt... I'd had a failed IVF attempt about a week earlier). Since then I have never, ever, assumed pregnancy until I'm told by the pregnantee face to face

Ijumpalot · 24/03/2014 23:17

I have a colleague who loves to probe as much as she can when it comes to potential pregnancies. When I finally told her about mine the first thing she said was...'now I know when you conceived' followed by ' I knew you were when you were when you did this/said that/smelt the other.....' You get my drift. She also delights in telling anyone and everyone before I could....

Pasithea · 24/03/2014 23:17

Try rubbing your bloated because of surgery belly and being asked if it's kicking by some bloke in a queue. Especially when you have never been able to have any.

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