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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's rude to ask someone if they're pregnant

42 replies

PuffyPigeon · 24/03/2014 22:04

I'm six weeks pregnant and have been asked three times this week if I'm pregnant, twice in front of 7 year old dd whom I don't want to tell until after the first scan. Now she's asking questions and I hate being in the position that I have to tell her sooner or effectively lie.

Similarly, a friend had a baby last month. She hadn't been on the school run since her third month of pregnancy as her mum was helping out because she had a problem with her pelvis. Last week she arrived to collect her dd to be asked by another mum when her baby was due. She pointed to the pram and said 'four weeks ago' but looked like she might cry.

Aibu in thinking it's rude to ask someone if they're pregnant and a topic that should only be discussed if the potential pregnant person brings it up?

OP posts:

slithytove · 24/03/2014 23:23

I got when's it due for at least two weeks after DD died in labour.

I still looked 6 months pregnant.

A reasonable question I suppose but fucking heartbreaking.

kerala · 24/03/2014 23:23

Yanbu. I was asked at 6 weeks with pfb by annoying acquaintance. Really wasn't ready to tell as friend had just had an early miscarriage so aware it wouldn't necessarily work out. I panicked at the direct question and said I wasn't. When it eventually came out that I was acquaintance was put out that I had " lied" to her (she is an evangelical Christian). I felt she had no right to be as she was rude to ask - and it was in front of a tableful of strangers at a wedding.

PansOnFire · 24/03/2014 23:29

YANBU, it's awful when someone assumes that you're pregnant when you're not. I was in Mothercare with my 6 month old and the cashier was trying to sign me up for more offers, I'd already refused once but then she said "well if you give us your due date you'll receive more relevant information". I pointed to my DS and said "6 months ago but thanks for the feedback on how losing my baby weight is going". She apologised profusely but I was so uncomfortable, I felt self conscious and anxious anyway and she just made it so much worse.

I can't imagine how much worse it must be if you're tcc and having difficulty for someone to ask you. It's terrible now people assume that they can just pry into your situation without thinking how it could affect someone. Even if people suspect then they just shouldn't ask, or at least scan the situation around them and see if there's already a baby around.

Some people are so thoughtless. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost babies, I can't imagine the heartache you have all gone through. It should be that if you haven't mentioned pregnancy then no one should think it's their place to ask.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 24/03/2014 23:31

Oh god, I get this. I had a MMC last August and three times recently a work colleague has made mumurings about whether I am pregnant.

The other day je actually said "so, how is the baby making going?" I mearly fucking punched him. I would have of my jaw wasnt on the floor from shock.

(1) I dont really know him other than in a work capacity
(2) after what happened last year surely he should know to keep schtum
(3) is he actually asking about my sex life???
(4) even if I were pg (which I am, eeeek!) If I havent told him yet, theres a reason. And asking is getting you nowhere. Mate.

TheBody · 24/03/2014 23:33

it's rude yet it's amazing how rude people are.

a colleague kept asking me if she thought one of the other teachers was pregnant. cue a blank look and no idea face from me.

said very young colleague walked in and she asked her point blank!

obviously confused she was outed. it was a much wanted second pregnancy but the point is it's up to the pregnant person to tell the news.

I was absolutely disgusted especially when she looked so pleased with herself for guessing.

beyond rude.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 24/03/2014 23:35

Nunq

Tryingtobetidy · 24/03/2014 23:52

for Nunq

slithytove · 25/03/2014 00:17

Thank you. I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight. X

Capitola · 25/03/2014 00:28

I don't know about rude, but it's certainly ill advised and thoughtless, as shown on this thread.

My dh has asked a woman at work who said, 'no, just fat' and a woman at the gym who could not have looked more pregnant - she was reed thin with a beach ball type belly. Turned out her 'baby' was IBS.

He's learned his lesson.

consideringadoption84 · 25/03/2014 01:39

A few years ago I saw an elderly woman of at least 70-75 who looked fully 7-8 months pregnant. Not fat, just a real pregnancy bump shape. I was with my mum and turned to her to see if I was going crazy and she was gaping at me in astonishment too.

I can't imagine what must have been wrong with the old lady (stomach cancer?) but, after seeing that, I would never ever assume that somebody was pregnant.

Yes, I think it is rude.

LibraryMum8 · 25/03/2014 01:56

Rude and or inappropriate. When my mother died I gained a bunch of weight (was newly married) and was asked four times by different people if I was pregnant.

It was mortifying. I had even one guy argue with me that I had just had a baby. I'm certain I'd know if I just had a baby you loon!

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 25/03/2014 03:38

I was out with my then 8 week old and 2 year old recently. Someone pointed to my tummy and said

"You'll have your hands full soon won't you!?"

when I explained that it was left over pregnancy weight (regained actually due to steroids) they made it worse by saying

"but you just look so pregnant-it's the exact pregnancy shape!"

Don't say it in the first place but if you do, know when to shut up!

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 25/03/2014 03:44

for nunq x

HopefulHamster · 25/03/2014 09:18

(((nunq)))

To whoever above asked whether people stop doing things and that makes people suspicious, I've got a couple of answers.

a) at work I do the same as I've always done. I cut out coffee before I was pregnant but still drink some tea. I suspect colleague in my case overheard me on phone in meeting room he sits by, because when I came out is when he first started asking weird questions. But even if he did overhear, it was private information and he certainly doesn't know the full story, so yes, imo it is rude to pry.

b) even if people do act 'suspiciously' it is rude to ask because there are very strong reasons why they might not want to be outed until they are ready, ranging from issues at work to losses, to waiting for test results, etc.

I totally get that people who are unaware of said issues may naively ask, but they should know better really.

EverythingsDozy · 25/03/2014 09:24

I asked somebody once I was pregnant with DD and in a lecture hall. This girl looked about 6 months gone and I was SO excited that I could talk to someone who was also pregnant and studying. These girls behind me were all saying about how she was pregnant so I asked her and she said no She then kept finding me when I was alone to ask me who it was that told me she was pregnant, I thought she was going to batter me.

I used to work at pumpkin patch and we were always told to NEVER ask, even when it was so blatantly obvious that they could have laboured on the floor there and then. I used to just say 'oh is this a gift?' And then they would say 'no it's for me!' Which opened the gates to talk about it!

My sister is always getting asked, someone told her she must be having twins!

diddl · 25/03/2014 09:29

I agree that it's rude to ask.

Is there something giving it away in your case OP?

humdrummer · 25/03/2014 13:01

Right - for all those YANBU's you've received - I am going to tell you a story. In general I like to think I'm an ok sort of person. I don't like upsetting people and I try to be...sensitive etc. BUT - once upon a time whilst at ds swimming lessons I cam across another Mum who's son was also having lessons. I watched this lady for an entire term and watched the bump grow bigger and bigger. The holidays came and went and on return - the bump had grown. THAT was when I was finally convinced that she was indeed pregnant - nothing but pregnancy could grow like that. I asked how long she had to go....
She wasn't pregnant, she said it was just fat / I nearly died. I was so convinced. After that I felt like telling her to go to the docs but, thought I really just should shut my mouth and my medical advice was probably not wanted.
People may not realise that you are only six weeks, especially if you are bloated etc. I don't think people are meaning harm, they may be being a bit over-familiar or insensitive but, it doesn't come from a place of malice.
I was mortified and knew I had committed a great sin against woman-kind but, I had waited and waited and was convinced that my question was nothing more than an opener for a chat.

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