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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask dh to talk to his mom about childcare when I go into Labour?

27 replies

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 16:35

Mil will be minding ds when I go into Labour with dc2. However she works full time and afaik cannot take time off at short notice. Both sils also work live nearby and have the same issue! They can all get away at short notice in an emergency, Eg. I go into Labour and dh is not here. Gmil lives about half an hour away, retired and available on as daily basis. I have no family nearby.

Presumably there are enough of them to figure something out themselves. But I feel like it's unfair to just presume they will figure this out. The scenario I'm thinking of is if I have to stay in hospital for any period of time, who will watch him during the work day? Presumably it will be gmil but I think it's rude to be presumptuous!

I have asked dh if he can call his mom to ask and every time he gets annoyed and tells me to do it and he doesn't understand what I'm asking. Yeh, I could just ring and ask but I'm always ringing and asking them for favours and I just think, this once, he should have the chat with his mom.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 24/03/2014 16:37

Can your DH take time off work if this happens? It should be him doing that not his family.

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 16:41

He will have two weeks off. That's his response that he can have ds during the day but I was hoping to have him with me during Labour. He said he can bring ds1 to hospital but he'd previously said that he didn't want ds in that environment. When I had ds, I was in hospital 4 nights even though it wasn't particularly complicated!

Its not a very big worry for me but it was dhs reaction, like I was being totally U to ask him to ring his mom to see if they had a're prepared.

OP posts:

KellyHopter · 24/03/2014 16:41

I imagine they know they'll figure it out at the time depending who's doing what, where etc.

But if you'd feel more comfortable then nothing at all wrong in asking. Why does dh have to do that though? You don't feel comfortable asking?

I'm not sure though why you'd need to know what the ILs are going to do if you should need to stay longer in hospital though, your dh can have the older child, surely?

morethanpotatoprints · 24/03/2014 16:47

I'm also puzzled as to why you would need somebody to mind ds if you have a stay in hospital. Your dh is supposed to be doing this surely?
FWIW I had a few days stay with ds2, we had no family or friends and dh had to manage the lot. After 2 weeks he went back to work or else missed pay.

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 16:47

Yes he can have him but I'm thinking if there are any complications with me or the baby he's gonna struggle! I like to be prepared for stuff, dh doesn't!

I don't feel UNcomfortable asking but he always leaves me to do the organising with his family and I feel like I'm coming across like I'm just using them. I must add that I do get on very well with them.

The added complication is that I don't want sfil to be part of the plan. No particular reason but he makes me uncomfortable. I want to know if they're thinking he can have ds at Times... Although he too works full-time so I doubt it would be an issue.

OP posts:

TheBody · 24/03/2014 16:48

you go into labour. dh phones gmil, either drop off ds or get her to pick him up. all depends on the time/urgency.

dh stays with you in labour, guessing he's discussed this with you, to take ds to the hospital for anything other than an emergency will be ridiculous. dh should be concentrating in you and you need to concentrate on you too!

other rels take over ds as needed. you have baby. dh goes home and does the rest of care of ds as needed with help if needed.

why is your dh not reassuring you?

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 16:51

Thanks thebody... That's what's annoying me... Anytime I want to discuss things like this he gets all annoyed and goes on about how he has to worry about work (he does have a very demanding job). Just once, I'd like to have the chat where we're both calm and it doesn't seem like I'm just being a nagging bitch!

OP posts:

eltsihT · 24/03/2014 16:51

My parents live far away my mil works

We asked mil to look after ds when I went into labour with ds 2.

My parents then came up to meet ds2 and took ds1 away for a week to stay with them. After. Week ds1 came home and my parents stayed a few days before going home. We had some lovely bonding time with ds2 and got into a bit of a routine before ds1 came home.

Not sure if that's any help or even an option

plantsitter · 24/03/2014 16:51

If you like to be prepared, sort it out yourself. If relatives are happy to do some child are when you're in hospital why wouldn't you do that? But if you need to be sure about who is doing what, without knowing your H I can tell you he won't ask the questions you want answers to anyway!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 24/03/2014 16:53

I think op wants him to ask what will happen when she goes into labour though and mil isnt around, instead of just assuming they will sort it out between them. After all dh could be in the hospital for some time.

Tell him to ring them and ask hes being an idiot

ikeaismylocal · 24/03/2014 16:53

I think you are being a little unreasonable to expect people to take time off work to look after your ds when your dp can look after him (apart from when you are actually in labour). I would imagine your ds might feel a little left out if both his parents were at the hospital with a new baby for days and days and he was not involved.

stuckindamiddle · 24/03/2014 16:54

Oh sorry, I thought from the title that this was a thread about political party policy....

Pink01 · 24/03/2014 16:59

Just wondered if you have any family of your own that are able to help?

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 17:00

Elt that sounds nice but unfortunately not an option.

Plantsitter fair point you're probably right!

Moomin you got it I think he's trying to prove some point to make me closer to his family. I like them, I get on with them, I include them but he wants me to think of them as my family... I probably never will, it's just not how I am.

Ikea I should have added ds is 20 months! I don't expect anyone to take time off, nor do I want them to. They're all happy to take ds and constantly say so but I wonder if they realise it MAY (or may not) be more than an overnight thing!

OP posts:

Finola1step · 24/03/2014 17:03

I can understand that you want the situation discussed and sorted. However, you really do not know what will happen and can't actually plan.

The best you can do us keep your Dh's family up to date with regards to your due date, how things are progressing. Do you have any neighbours who you could ask to sit with your ds if you need to get to hospital quickly?

There are so many possible scenarios. It is highly likely that your DH doesn't see the urgency that you feel. Neither is wrong.

You will be fine. I was told by my midwife that the brain and body is so wonderful that it knows when your first born is safe and looked after, enabling you to labour another baby. It's linked to why so many women labour and give birth during the night while their other children sleep apparently.

In mine case this was vv true.

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 17:09

Pinko no, my family are abroad. They've booked flights to come over but it's likely to be a couple weeks after I give birth... Although ya never know of course!

OP posts:

CountessOfRule · 24/03/2014 17:10

I think it's worth pointing out to DP that his family will be watching his son for him, not for you. If he fails to make suitable arrangements then he risks missing the birth of his second child...

NoodleOodle · 24/03/2014 17:11

I think DH should be doing his bit to do the organising, and to put your mind at rest that there are things in place for any of the reasonably predictable outcomes. Though, you should also take a deep breath and remember that hopefully, all will be well, and the back up plans will not be needed. I can completely understand your wanting there to be back ups plans in place, and for DH to take charge of at least some of the considerations and communications with the family members concerned.

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 17:12

Thanks finola... Yep neighbours are also on call . We're actually very lucky and I'm not worried about the Labour thing anymore... It's more the extended stay scenario. I know ya can't plan for everything but it's nice to be reassured... And I'm not getting that!

OP posts:

KellyHopter · 24/03/2014 18:08

Your dh sounds annoying, he could try harder to put your mid at rest, but I still don't understand why the extended stay thing needs anyone else, why you'd rather fret about how the ILs are going to cover than just assume dh will be the one taking care of his own child.

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 18:25

Why would we struggle with me in Labour, newborn, hubby driving to and from hospital, toddler who naps for three hours a day... When we have people who are able and willing to watch him and keep things as normal as possible for him and away from the madness so I can relax and know he's having fun at least?

Anyway, the point was not the details. It was whether iabu to ask dh to ring instead of having me do it all the time! Jury seems to be split! Dh just told me he's gonna ring though so that's something! He's still not sure why he's ringing... And maybe I'm not anymore

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givemeaclue · 24/03/2014 18:27

Leave him to it, it is his problem not yours!

TheArticFunky · 24/03/2014 18:31

I can remember feeling very upset when I was expecting my second child and not knowing exactly what was happening with childcare. Mil agreed to have ds1 but in a very non-committal way and when you are pregnant and hormonal a vague "we will see what we can do isn't sufficient."

Can you ring mil and firm the arrangements yourself?

KellyHopter · 24/03/2014 18:36

You said it's not labour you're worried about but an extended stay.
That's what people are talking about, because its what you said you're concerned about.

You're in hospital with baby, dh is home with other child. No doubt mil/sil will babysit so he can come in and see you both but you referred to 'the working day' well dh will do it.

Original poster

HelenHen · 24/03/2014 19:03

Thanks Kelly but I'm not expecting mumsnet to sort out the details of my childcare. I was asking if iabu to ask him to make the phonecall! He's done it and I'm glad cos now I know that sils are on call for Labour, not mil like I thought but mil actually can get time off at short notice if we need help so it's all sorted.

Theartic that was exactly it... What happened with you?

Givemeaclue lol good point although as as sahm, it's my job and my instinct I guess to want to know it's all under control. I know it would be really but at least it's all clarified now!

OP posts:

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