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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex won't let Ds go to his wedding because he is bisexual? Is he being unreasonable?

55 replies

Cakeandcoffeeandtea · 24/03/2014 16:06

Ds's Dad is getting married in a few months in Poland. It was arranged that Ds would be going.

I've known for 2 years that Ds is bisexual. He didn't tell his Dad, I respected his choice. Yesterday his Dad found out via FB. He wasn't happy at all.

He's now saying Ds can't go to his wedding because he won't be safe going to Poland and being bisexual.

I think he's making excuses because he's not happy about it.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 24/03/2014 16:12

how will they know hes bisexual unless someone tells them?

im assuming you think there's more to it? Do you think there may actually be a safety issue if people find out?

momb · 24/03/2014 16:14

He may be making an excuse because he's not happy about it, but it may also be that he's concerned for your son.
There has been lots in the news over the last couple of years about homophobic rhetoric in the media out there and Polish politicians making homophobic statements.
If your ex isn't comfortable with your son's sexuality, then presumably he would have difficulty backing him if there was a difficult situation while they were out in Poland?
Realistically, how likely is it that anyone would know your son is Bi? That may be a pivotal issue for his safety in Poland. Also, is your son an adult yet?

Original poster
Cakeandcoffeeandtea · 24/03/2014 16:15

According to my ex it's written all over Ds and he will end up arrested or something for being gay.

OP posts:
Awitchwithoutchips · 24/03/2014 16:15

Sounds like his dad has the problem. How old is your son?

harriet247 · 24/03/2014 16:15

Poor kid :( can you arrange to do something with him instead? Like alton towers or something? polish people on the whole are wonderful kind people but its still behind with excepting gay ppl etc

Original poster
Cakeandcoffeeandtea · 24/03/2014 16:16

Ds is 17.

OP posts:
CantUnderstandNewtonsTheory · 24/03/2014 16:18

Is it actually illegal to be bisexual in Poland? Shock genuinely didn't know that!

Hoppinggreen · 24/03/2014 16:18

To be totally fair I seem to remember that when the World Cup or something was on there were issues around gay or bisexual people being safe in Poland and we have Russian friends who say this can be the case there too. I also saw a TV programme about homophobic violence in Eastern Europe, which was pretty shocking.
I know your son should be proud of who he is but ( god how do I ask this without being offensive???) would someone know on first meeting him he was bisexual?
I ask because if he obviously fits the gay or bisexual stereotype then he could face some verbal abuse or violence. I know that could happen here too but I get the impression that the authorities may not take it as seriously in Eastern Europe.
If my son is gay or bisexual or whatever ( he is only 5 now) then I would want him to be proud of who he is and I would be too but I would also want him to be safe.
Hope that wasn't offensive. - not my intention

Branleuse · 24/03/2014 16:18

maybe he actually wouldnt be safe.

whatever5 · 24/03/2014 16:19

How will they know he's bisexual let alone arrest him for it? Whether it is true or not that he will be unsafe, I wouldn't feel like going to the wedding now if I was your son.

Birdsgottafly · 24/03/2014 16:21

Have you or your son mixed with the people that will be at the wedding, or been to that region?

There are regions were it is like the 60's, unsafe for non heterosexual people or disabled people/women.

This is globally, I'm not picking on Poland (I love the country and will be going again this year).

I'm in my 40's, there are times when you have to put your safety (keeping your mouth shut/opinions to yourself) to keep yourself safe.

BettyStogs · 24/03/2014 16:22

So your ex thinks it's 'written all over him' yet he didn't know until he found out on Facebook?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 24/03/2014 16:23

I agree with Hopping there is shocking homophobic violence there and if he fits a stereotype he could be targeted, I would want him to be safe.

almondcake · 24/03/2014 16:23

Why is his dad getting married in Poland if it is such an unpleasant place?

riskit4abiskit · 24/03/2014 16:24

He cant look very bi (however that might look like)! If your ex never guessed about it til now!

Thistledew · 24/03/2014 16:25

It is so obvious that your DS is gay/bisexual that the police will arrest him on sight, but not so obvious that your Ex didn't suspect a thing until he found out via FB? Hmm - at your ex, not you.

If your DS still wants to go after getting that reaction from his F, a chat about the fact that he would be well advised for his own safety to be discrete about his sexuality whilst he is there might be in order, but there is no other reason for him not to go.

Pigletin · 24/03/2014 16:26

If it is written all over your son, how is it that your husband didn't realise before? I find this hard to believe.
I think it's cruel for your ex to punish your son with not going to the wedding because he is bisexual. Or to make it sound as if a whole country (or half a continent as some posters have suggested here) is not safe for someone who is gay. What bullshit.

Birdsgottafly · 24/03/2014 16:27

"Why is his dad getting married in Poland if it is such an unpleasant place?"

He may live there of course.

But it has lovely areas, historical sites, fantastic architecture etc and it is relatively cheap.

My middle DD wants her wedding in the salt mines.

It is a shame that on some issues they are still behind in their attitudes and laws.

Original poster
Cakeandcoffeeandtea · 24/03/2014 16:28

Ds isn't very camp in his mannerisms, I don't think. He does have long ish hair and likes wearing pink jeans and nail varnish. If he wore normal clothes then you couldn't tell.

His Dad is marrying a woman from Poland hence the wedding being there.

OP posts:
TheBody · 24/03/2014 16:29

well presumably your ex, dhs father adores and lives his son? yes? so he wants like every normal parent in earth to keep him safe.

there may be all sorts of people at the wedding and pegs os he knows your son wouldn't be safe.

I would go with your dh on this.

NoodleOodle · 24/03/2014 16:32

What an awful situation, you're obviously there for him, and this must be an emotionally difficult situation for him, especially at the precious age of 17. I don't have any answers or suggestions though, sorry Thanks

momb · 24/03/2014 16:34

Homosexuality isn't illegal in Poland so he won't get arrested, it's more the threat of violence which may not be rigorously investigated or prevented.
The wedding is a few months away. If your DS wants to go then he needs to perhaps tone down the pink and make up around his dad for a while so that your Ex's fears can be assuaged somewhat. It may be that he's taking advice from his fiancee too: she is likely to have a better idea of the potential risks.
Having said that, if I were your DS I would tell my Dad that i wouldn't go.

BillyBanter · 24/03/2014 16:34

If it's written all over him then how come it's taken fb for his dad to notice?

Maybe the wife to be has the problem.

I don't have any advice, sorry. I hope it gets sorted.

Original poster
Cakeandcoffeeandtea · 24/03/2014 16:36

So maybe ex isn't just being a nobber and he has a point?

Do feel sad for Ds though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakeandcoffeeandtea · 24/03/2014 16:37

Yeah I wondered that too. I don't know how his Dad is possibly shocked to be fair.

OP posts: