Ex won't let Ds go to his wedding because he is bisexual? Is he being unreasonable?

[Cakeandcoffeeandtea]

Ds's Dad is getting married in a few months in Poland. It was arranged that Ds would be going.

I've known for 2 years that Ds is bisexual. He didn't tell his Dad, I respected his choice. Yesterday his Dad found out via FB. He wasn't happy at all.

He's now saying Ds can't go to his wedding because he won't be safe going to Poland and being bisexual.

I think he's making excuses because he's not happy about it.

Now none of that!
Just because he may have a point doesn't mean he isn't a nobber.

Spend the flight money on a lovely trip away for the two of you over the weekend of the wedding instead.

He is being horrible. If this was really about safety he would invite his DS, but advise him to dress more conservatively.

I'm pissed off his first thought was he can't go to his wedding, no comforting words or anything.

There has been quite a lot on the news lately about prejudice in Russia. Don't know if that applies to Poland as well. Maybe your DH is just being on the safe side. Don't jump to conclusions.

Is he actually worried about his fiances family and their reaction to him not just random strangers?

I think for your ex it might be hard for him to tell your DS that he can come but that he can't be himself - maybe he just thinks its easier/nicer for your DS if does not go all, rather than have to pretend to be someone he is not.

Though you could argue that if it is her family he is worried about he should stand up for his son - might not be that strait forward though

OP, if your XH thinks its so obvious that your DS is bi just by looking at him, why didn't he figure it out sooner himself? Why did he have to find out via Facebook? I think his argument is BS.

I wouldn't advise a gay/bi teenager to attend a gathering of homophobes in any country, especially ones he doesn't already know but who probably know of his leanings. The potential for stress, anxiety and even violence would be high. It's too much for many adults, let alone a teen.

He's the perfect age to learn about bigotry & oppression and form political opinions. He might want to find out about, and even get involved with, supporting those risking their lives for gay rights in Russia and Africa right now. If he later chooses to confront homophobia in person, fully informed, good for him ... but his father's wedding isn't the right place to start learning.

Well I doubt the lad is going to try to cop off with the best man in the middle of the reception.

It can't be 'written all over him' if Dad has never noticed, can it.

Is this more about what his inlaws/new wife will think?

I think it depends on how easily the other guests could find out if he's bi (through a public fb account for example) or if he's unprepared to pretend otherwise. I know some Polish people and from what I hear Poland is a few decades behind in terms of attitudes toward gays/bis/trans etc... It could be very dangerous for a young person who doesn't understand how important it is to keep that side of yourself hidden because those attitudes can easily transform into violence. It's impossible to judge without knowing everybody involved, maybe your ex is angry with or embarrassed by him or maybe he is genuinely concerned for his safety.

Poland, I'm sure is lovely really.

We had a school trip and it invited every right wing bigot going in a jack booted, skin headed 30 mile radius. You would have thought the Poles wouldn't be into fascism but we had it all - homophobic abuse, racial abuse (they dont like black people, oh no they dont, they really dont) , they shouted "whore" at the girls who wore make up. Trust me, this was an over dressed brigade due to the minus temperatures, not a group of lasses in hot pants and boob tubes. Bloody horrendous place.

But back to the OPs dilema - Poland is intolerant. No I wouldnt put my child in any form of danger by suggesting he take his bisexuality into a completely intolerant atmosphere.

I must say I felt a little uneasy about my gay DS visiting Russia last year but I wouldn't have tried to stop him going ,I just advised him to keep his opinions to himself .( he's not that obviously gay)

Lots of opinions, thank you.

I'm feeling less angry at my ex now.

Keep your son safe - a lad I went to primary school with was murdered due to his sexuality in south london as a teen - his poor Mum has never recovered.

Abide by the warning his other parent is giving you as E. Europe generally seems to be going thru a really nasty intolerant phase right now generally (I'm hoping we in Britain don't wind up importing it by default). Much better your son's feelings are hurt than he gets his head stomped in. You don't know your ex's bride's extended family etc,etc.

Some things just aren't worth the risk.

If ds understood all this couldn't he go and just leave the pink jeans and nail polish at home - its only for a few days. Jeans are not wedding attire anyway. It is his dads wedding and a big deal to miss.

If he's publicly declared his sexuality on facebook then the info may already have reached those you really, really wouldn't want it to.

You have no idea who is in the brides wedding party, and a Dad who has said it won't be safe. Sometimes we may not like the content, but to ignore the message is just dangerously stupid.

Naivety and asking everyone to sing kumbya together nicely doesn't work when being kicked by jack booted thugs. You can be right and be dead.

Slightly concerned that I've just booked a holiday to Poland....I'll just have to try not to look too gay while I'm over there

All the Polish people I know here in the UK are fine about it though.

If I was getting married and I truly believed that one of my kids would not be welcome / safe at the wedding due to who they were then I'd be moving the wedding - not uninviting one of the kids.

If the person I was marrying did not agree that marrying somewhere that did not welcome my child was inappropriate - well- that would end the problem anyway as there would be no wedding.

I would move the wedding to a new venue rather than have my child feel ostracized.

there would be the threat of violence - my ex is Polish and there is just no way that we could discuss our son's dubious sexuality without him shouting about 'fucking poofs' (sorry) anything really

In fact, I would bend over backwards to make sure my child felt included.

This is a really surprising and sad thread to me. I had no idea things were so bad in a country so close to us.

There are millions of Poles living in this country aren't there? I don't actually know any in person but I don't think they are generally known as homophobic are they? Maybe they are. I feel very ignorant.

OP, I was coming on to say YANBU and to slate you ex partner. But, having read the thread, it seems he might just be concerned for his son. Very sad situation :(

OH is Polish, from what I've seen from our friends both over here and in Poland sadly they are generally very homophobic IME.

Polish weddings are usually long drawn out affairs, they go on right through the night until the next morning and a massive and I mean MASSIVE amount of vodka is consumed.

The potential for alcohol fuelled nonsense would be pretty high I imagine, sorry to say but I think he is best staying away

manic - I have come across some very homophobic Polish people in the UK - although obviously not all are. There was a small demonstration against our local LGB pride which apparently consisted almost totally of Polish people.

Oh ffs. There are homophobic people everywhere. There are homosexuals everywhere. This thread is an infuriating mass of generalisations.

I believe your son would be facing more risks to his safety in Poland, yes. I am not educated on the topic, but a gay (Polish) friend said her father would literally kill her if she ever returned.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Poland