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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its rude not to say where your going?

46 replies

NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 20:56

Dp took dsd home three hours ago. She lives 5 mins drive away. He said he would pop in on his mum on the way home but he won't still be there now. He doesn't get on well with her at the best of times, less after she's had a drink and she starts drinking at 8.

So basically he has gone to his friends, I am fairly sure which friend, he will probably be home in an hour/hour and a half.

However even though I reckon I know where he is, AIBU to think its rude not to let mw know where he was going or at least roughly how long he would be. Dropping dsd off and popping into his mums would take an hour, an hour and a half tops.

So am I being overly controlling or is he being rude. I wouldn't just bugger off leaving him with the dc without checking if he had plans or letting him know where I was going.

OP posts:
blanchedeveraux · 23/03/2014 20:59

I don't really understand what you're complaining about. My DH often nips out and has a coffee and a guitar jam with his mate en route to someplace else. If he's been away for ages I just assume that's where he is. If I need him to come back pronto I just text him and ask him to make his way home.

TwixTime · 23/03/2014 21:00

Is this normal? I'd personally be a bit worried by now as my dh wouldn't be out that long without saying anything. I would have called by now probably- see what his explanation is then I'd be having a go for making me worry!

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 21:02

I just think its rude, I am prepared to be told I am unreasonable though.

I just wouldn't go out without saying where/ how long I would be.

Also massive drip feed but I just didn't think to mention it, his mobile is broken.

OP posts:
TwixTime · 23/03/2014 21:03

I didn't see the part where he said he'd be at his mums- probably wouldn't be too worried in that case although still think he could have said if was going to be long so still think yanbu

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 21:03

TwixTime I think that's what bugs me, he could of had an accident and I wouldn't know.

Its not common as such but definitely not the first time he has done it.

OP posts:
Coldlightofday · 23/03/2014 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vexedfoxy · 23/03/2014 21:04

I am not quite sure what the issue is? Is he meant to be at home doing something? Is he having an affair?...........

redexpat · 23/03/2014 21:04

It's not rude exactly, bloody inconsiderate and possibly foolish. In the event of something happening to him, you wouldn't know where to tell the police to start looking for him.

Hassled · 23/03/2014 21:06

I think it's rude. If I go out I tell DH where I'm going, and vice versa.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 21:07

No I don't think he is having an affair and I don't mind him going out, I just like to be kept in the loop. We have young children so if one of us is out the other is therefore responsible for the kids. I wouldn't just bugger off without letting him know so expect him to offer me the same consideration.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 23/03/2014 21:07

DH and I let each other know where we're going. It's polite.

vexedfoxy · 23/03/2014 21:09

Got you, right. Does not hurt to give a rough ETA but I can often be distracted and drop into see someone else. Always on the 'phone however.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 21:12

I think he must be easily distract too, probably just thought oh I will pop into friends too and lost track of time. Mumsnet just makes it easy to have a moan.

OP posts:
TwixTime · 23/03/2014 21:15

I think you are right to be a bit miffed but do agree mn responses can get things way out of proportion!

Next present for your dp is a new phone Smile

peggyundercrackers · 23/03/2014 21:18

I often go out and say I'm only going to be an hour or whatever and always end up gabbing, lose track of time and get back 4 hours later. If we have nothing on then I never get in touch because I genuinely loose track of time. Oh does the same sometimes, we don't fret over it, that's life...

I think Yabu.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 21:24

Definitely a new phone. Mind you he probably would just leave it at home anyway. I have a previous thread about him doing that and not coming back for hours when he knew dsd was coming for the afternoon. So basically he assumed I would be there to look after her.

Peggy maybe I need to do it too then and I wouldn't feel that its so rude. Its not a major problem, we wont have a row or anything, I am just bored and thought I would have a whinge to the mumsnet masses.

OP posts:
SybilRamkin · 23/03/2014 21:25

YANBU - even if he wasn't planning to go and see his friend before going out, a quick phone call/text to let you know is basic manners.

Madmartigan · 23/03/2014 21:34

I'd have the hump too, not BU.

TwittyMcTwitterson · 23/03/2014 21:41

YANBU. It's simple etiquette and respect for another adult to tell them where you are going. DDs dad doesn't...

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2014 21:53

YANBU. You don't need a minute by minute itinerary, just a 'Running to the shop's & then to Mum's. Shouldn't be gone more than 2 hours' or whatever. DH & I routinely do this & also call/text if we're going to be much longer than we'd thought. It's only considerate.

EST0106 · 23/03/2014 22:01

I'd be seriously pissed off! It would never cross my mind to not tell DH roughly where I was going and when I'd be back, especially if he was looking after DD. A) he'd be worried something had happened if I was hours later than I'd said, and b) it's common courtesy! yANBU

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 22:09

Bit of a mixed response but a fair few agree its basic manners. He is back now and made me a brew and gave me hug so I think he realised he was a bit inconsiderate.

OP posts:
Pilgit · 23/03/2014 22:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I hate this kind of thing. But then, I have had it drilled into me from a young age - we had one rule for everyone when I was a child - you told whoever was at home where you were going, when you'd be back and who you were going with. If you were going to be late - you phoned (15min tolerance given). This applied to everyone - my parents did this too. A lot of people I have met since have thought this oppressive, I didn't and don't. We never had a curfew - if the time back was 3.30am, then that was fine as long as it didn't turn into 4.30am (my mother wouldn't sleep properly whilst we were out). To this day - and I've lived out of home at uni and now in my own house - if we're going away I let her know and when we're going to be home. Admittedly the last bit is a bit weird as I'm 36! However, the first bit I think is just polite.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 23/03/2014 22:29

I think that was a fair and sensible rule. I am dreading the sc growing up and going out. If I worry about dp when he is "late" then I will be really worried about the dc.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 23/03/2014 22:31

Why can't you just pick up the phone and call him?

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