to think its rude not to say where your going?

[NachoAddict]

Dp took dsd home three hours ago. She lives 5 mins drive away. He said he would pop in on his mum on the way home but he won't still be there now. He doesn't get on well with her at the best of times, less after she's had a drink and she starts drinking at 8.

So basically he has gone to his friends, I am fairly sure which friend, he will probably be home in an hour/hour and a half.

However even though I reckon I know where he is, AIBU to think its rude not to let mw know where he was going or at least roughly how long he would be. Dropping dsd off and popping into his mums would take an hour, an hour and a half tops.

So am I being overly controlling or is he being rude. I wouldn't just bugger off leaving him with the dc without checking if he had plans or letting him know where I was going.

Coffee his phone is broken. I mentioned it in my second post, didn't think to mention it in the op.

I don't think you need a minute-by-minute itenerary of where someone is BUT if someone is going to be 'five minutes' and they're not back two hours later, that shows a lack of consideration on their part.

DH has done this in the past - not popped off to see a mate or been ages and ages but occasionally. He'll have finished work and bumped into someone and hung around chatting for 45 minutes... then remembered something else, and then be running an hour late. Given that he works 20 minutes away, and the route he takes often has delays owing to accidents, a text or quick call to say 'running late' would not go amiss. That way I won't be worrying if he's in an ambulance.

It is rude.
What if you say "Ok kids, we will finish off X while your dad is out then when he is back in an hour why don't we all do Y? Then he doesn't come back for three hours? Rude!

I don't think you're being U.

If I 'popped out' to the shops or something, then decided to meet up with a friend is def let DP know. Not to get permission, just that is seems rude to me to just disappear off and not give an expected ETA.

I would expect the same curtosy from DP.

We communicate about what time we'll be home in the evening and stuff, if I'm playing a late sports match he will stay at work and get more done since I'm not around. Surely it's just normal?

One of the thing that chafes at me about marriage is that idea that someone always knows where you are and how long you'll be and I can't just decide, I think I'll stay out for an hour unnecessarily and have a coffee or whatever. When the other person is looking after the kids in your absence I guess its fair enough to know how long you'll be but if kids are older / not an issue then you shouldn't have to "clock in". Independent adults should be able to have a bit of freedom like that or it feels like you're being constantly monitored.

My dad does this all the time. Used to drive the whole family bonkers. Mostly because he would make plans with customers (mechanic) who would show up and he would be gone without any indication of when he would be back.

My DH does this to a much smaller degree and I think my history with my dad makes me a bit more sensitive to it. He will "Pop to the shops" which turns into "pop to the shops- then brother's house- then mum's- then home" He at least carries his phone on him (which my dad never did) so I can call him when I feel like he's taken the piss enough. I think it's just common courtesy to let your partner know what the plans are. YANBU

YANBU surely the starting premise if you have small children who need looking after is that if you're not at work you are equally responsible for their care. That doesn't mean that one parent can't do things alone, but that it shouldn't be a unilateral decision as it impacts on the other parent.

It seems that there is an implicit assumption that the DCs are your problem unless you have specifically asked for his help. Wonder what he would say if you disappeared for a couple of hours without mentioning it?

nacho your reply of "maybe I need to do it too then" kind of disturbs me - its not a competition between you to see who can disappear the most... we both do it unintentionally and accept we both do it, neither of us have a problem with the other doing it nor do we think each other is rude.

I wouldn't feel the need to provide any description after all I'm an adult but I also either would leave a ETA or not leave children

My FIL does it when we're all out and about somewhere as a family group. Suddenly disappears and more often than not we end up looking for him or waiting around. He does have a phone but doesn't have it switched on more often than not. It isn't an age thing, DH says he has always done it. I think it's self-important and rude behaviour, to make a family group wait around and worry about you.

In the OP's situation it is common courtesy to text to say where you are, so the person at home knows you are ok and have not gone under a bus.

I agree it is common courtesy to give a rough ETA for returning home; and if that changes substantially, to send a message to say you're running late or popped in elsewhere.

I don't expect a detailed itinerary from DH but I do get the arse when he's hours later than he said he would be and hasn't let me know about it, usually because he's either messing up a mealtime by not letting me know if he's eating with us, or leaving me holding the baby while he has his fun. He doesn't do it that often though.

I don't think it matters if you have children, if you are going to considerably exceed the time you are going to be out it's a good idea to let someone who may be worrying about you know you have changed your plans. Not to ask their permission, but just so they aren't left wondering if you are still alive.

If you have children then I think it's more than "a bit rude" - you both have an obligation to ensure your children are looked after, assuming the other will pick up the slack is incredibly entitled, you need to agree together when someone is going to be in sole charge.

If you don't have children then I think telling you, or implying, one thing (that he will be a short time) and not updating when plans change is a bit rude. My DH and I generally let each other know when we were going out and when we'd be back long before we had kids. It worked for us, but I think that's just one way of doing things. It is fine for adults who live together to not feel an obligation to let the other know their itinerary for the day. It isn't "the way things should be". It's just one of those many things that need negotiating in a partnership and that you (both) have decide if the fit works for you both.

I was going to see YANBU and dh is BU. But then realised the other day I popped into friend's to pick up dd, on my way back from hairdresser. Ended up losing track of time and being there an hour. Dh was not happy at all that I hadn't phoned and let him know I was staying rather than just picking her up. I felt very controlled. I said he could have worked out where I was and popped round if necessary and if I wasn't there then he could get worried. But maybe I was BU and rude .

YANBU

By just disappearing he is assuming that you don't have anything important to do that means he needs to look after the DCs.

Also, weekends are family time here and so I would be wondering whether he wanted a meal with the rest of us etc etc.

I can't really imagine how I would react, it would no more occur to DH or I to do this than it would for us to chop our own hands off - so in fact I would be desperately worried and probably about to call the police if I couldn't get hold of him.

I tell DP where I'll be going and a rough estimate of when I'll be home. As far as I am concerned it's a matter of courtesy. He also tells me where he will be going, same reason.

It's courtesy, yes, but also as others say, there's no assumption that our time is more important than the other's time, that whoever is left with the children will just suck it up. So it's a matter of respecting each other, too.

Peggy I see how my reply came across, I meant maybe I should be more relaxed and let dp take responsibility for the kids rather than as a previous poster has said, be my problem unless he is explicitly asked to help.

I don't expect him to ask permission or really tell me where he is going but as mist people agree, a rough time frame would be nice.

well being constantly phoned or texted and then getting cold silent sulk if I popped in for a cuppa with a friend and was an hour or so late used to drive me nuts when I was in a relationship, but I guess the important thing is that whatever your family rule is it's the same all round. Most of us need to goof off occasionally without needing permission, surely?
Mind you my exh who went for 'just one pint' and returned 3 days later was overdoing it, imho.

missmayhem dp doesn't need permission, he is an adult and I wouldn't sulk, I just think if he says he is popping to his mums and then goes elsewhere a quick call or text to say 'hey babe, change of plan I am going to be a few hours, are u ok with the kids?' is just courteous.

Perhaps if you had sent a similar text you would have avoided the calls/messages and sulking? Not saying you would, maybe your partner was a controlling idiot or maybe you were inconsiderate, maybe a bit of both but I guess its something each family needs to work out for them as you say.

An hour wouldn't bother me under most circumstances, unless I was waiting for him to come home at a specific time because I was on a schedule; 2+ hours is taking the mick somewhat though, I think.
DH is the same - me being an hour late is fine; more than that and he might start to wonder where I've got to, more than 2h and he'll phone to see where I am. But he wouldn't get the arse about it unless he was waiting for me to get home for something specific, or I was messing with mealtimes.