to take step kids along for a private scan of their sibling?

[PuffyPigeon]

I have a 7 and almost 2 yr old plus step children aged 8 and 9. When I was pregnant with 2 yr old their mum was very negative, telling them their dad would be too busy to see them, that he'd love the baby more because he sees her everyday etc. She then stopped contact altogether, telling them their dad had decided to concentrate on baby and not see them. As a result they didn't get to meet their sibling until dh had been through court and she was 6 months old.

Luckily they are great with dd but they do feel sad they didn't get to meet her sooner, hold her when she was tiny etc. This pregnancy I really Want them to feel involved and included. I was thinking of booking a private scan at 22 weeks (once we know everything is well) for us and all the children to find out if baby is a boy or a girl all together. However my friend said that's bound to antagonize their mum so we shouldn't. What do you think?

I accept your apology, insert

If you don't know the mum well enough to talk about it, don't do it. It is far too personal. This has nothing to do with the ex, whatever her fertility history may be.

OP- it's a lovely idea. You are kind to consider the idea and even more thoughtful to come on here and ask for opinions too.

The ex was totally wrong to say such things to the children and stop their Dad from seeing from them. It is very thoughtful to make a point of including them this way.

I think you could spend your whole life worrying about something possibly being wrong at the scan (which will be after the anomaly scan thus reducing the risk of bad news, if not the possibility), or you might just get a really lovely memorable bonding memory with kids, stepkids, DH and bump.

(PS I am not being Pollyanna about it, I have had 2mcs and a termination for medical reason, so I'm not rose tinting anything.)

I took 8yr old DSD to our 20 week scan of 2nd child.

Similar circumstances, DH's ex had stopped contact for a considerable time when we were expecting first child and by the time courts re-awarded it I was 7 months pregnant with DS1 which was quite an adjustment for DSD as he was to be her first sibling.

Fast forward two years and DSD now has 2 siblings on her mum's side - so no fertility issues for her mother.
Relationship still acrimonious between parents so I thought very carefully about taking DSD to scan for many reasons outlined above. Didn't want to overstep 'maternal' boundaries - have always tried to be respectful of those.
Thought DSD would find scan interesting and engaging - and as younger DS1 wasn't allowed to come too it also reinforced her role as older sister - very important, not forgotten.
I did consider risk of something going wrong at scan but sonographer was careful to keep screen turned away to make sure there was a heartbeat and everything seemed mostly ok before they 'start' the scan and all the chat. Thankfully our scan was absolutely fine but I'm sure if there was a problem the sonographer would have had the sensitivity to suggest DSD left the room before discussing it. For that reason I did take along DM too so she could stay with DSD if necessary.
As it turned out, scan took ages as DC2 was being quite uncooperative about having measurements taken and DSD was quite underwhelmed if anything. Do be prepared for this OP, as you don't want your magical moment spoiled by a 'is that it?' response. We didn't quite have that with DSD but she described her newest sibling as looking like a tadpole in jelly and proceeded not to mention the scan again for the rest of the weekend! Kids...

We were also slightly worried about reaction from DH ex but have had no fall out at all from it. We didn't tell her we were taking DSD for the scan, I assume DSD mentioned it but she tends to compartmentalise a lot so possibly not.
Overall I'm glad we took her and I hope it helps her bond with this child as well as she's bonded with DS1 but it wasn't quite the deep and meaningful 'wow' moment I was possibly hoping for.

Its a nice idea. You may as well go ahead. So what if ex is angry. She'll be angry about various things at various times depending on her whims and you'll have that to cope with anyway. The baby will be her DCs brother or sister, and thats what matters. There is zero the ex can do about that whether she likes it or not.

Totally agree Mistress DeeCee. The ex will be angry about a lot of things. May as well live your life as you would anyway.