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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take step kids along for a private scan of their sibling?

105 replies

PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 13:56

I have a 7 and almost 2 yr old plus step children aged 8 and 9. When I was pregnant with 2 yr old their mum was very negative, telling them their dad would be too busy to see them, that he'd love the baby more because he sees her everyday etc. She then stopped contact altogether, telling them their dad had decided to concentrate on baby and not see them. As a result they didn't get to meet their sibling until dh had been through court and she was 6 months old.

Luckily they are great with dd but they do feel sad they didn't get to meet her sooner, hold her when she was tiny etc. This pregnancy I really Want them to feel involved and included. I was thinking of booking a private scan at 22 weeks (once we know everything is well) for us and all the children to find out if baby is a boy or a girl all together. However my friend said that's bound to antagonize their mum so we shouldn't. What do you think?

OP posts:
minouminou · 23/03/2014 14:21

I think all private/bonding/3D scans are done after the anomaly scan is all clear.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 23/03/2014 14:22

Id do it

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 14:23

Yes it'd be a surprise beforehand. The scan place does a heartbeat teddy so was planning on getting all the kids one and really think it'd be a bonding experience for them and the baby/each other.

OP posts:
GertTheFlirt · 23/03/2014 14:23

As I said, I'm dreadfully old fashioned. All is never well until a baby is safely delivered.

A close friend had a still birth last year. No warning. It just was. Adult grief is bad enough but taking the concept of a baby, making it a reality for siblings, and then there is no baby?

I think the DH has the call in this. He knows his ex and her likely reactions.

GertTheFlirt · 23/03/2014 14:23

*full term still birth.

SallyMcgally · 23/03/2014 14:24

It's such a special, happy time and they would always remember being part of that. And not to do it for fear of what ex might say would drive me mad. It's giving her the power. And not doing it means she's spoil it anyway.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 14:24

Newt dd came last time and loved it. She tells her sister about it now, almost 3 yrs later.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 23/03/2014 14:26

Gert yes.

I'm sorry OP

SallyMcgally · 23/03/2014 14:26

But the baby will be real to them even if they don't go to scan. They know it's happening, and they'll see their DSM getting bigger, and the cots etc being arranged. And the chances of things going wrong are pretty small.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 14:26

Gert they'll be 9 and 10 when baby is born. I think they'd grieve whether they'd seen a scan or not if the worst happened. It's not like I can keep the pregnancy a secret just in case

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/03/2014 14:30

Absolutely not. I wouldn't even take my own children to a scan.

schokolade · 23/03/2014 14:31

it's not an outsider Gert, it's the childrens' father.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 23/03/2014 14:31

Thats rediculous, i lost a baby to incompetant cervix a few years ago. The children were 17 and 9. It still affected them even though we didnt take them to the gender scan

MissBattleaxe · 23/03/2014 14:32

Definitely do it OP.

The ex cannot and should not be trying to micromanage everything that happens to her children when they are in your DH's care. If he cares for them and treats them well, that's all she needs to know about. She has already behaved despicably in trying to control them and poison them against their father.

So what if she kicks off about this? Give in to her once and she will always always try and control you all.

You sound like a lovely and thoughtful stepmother.

GertTheFlirt · 23/03/2014 14:34

I don't know how I can put this in more child like terms.

Ok, you know Christmas is coming and someone promised you a bike? But the bike doesn't arrive? Well you're understandably disappointed.

But if someone shows you a bike and says 'this is your bike' you can have it at Christmas, then you get up and the bike has been stolen, well you'd be devastated.

However, I still think it is the fathers call. If she can be awkward, you can bet your bottom dollar this will make her go dip shit with access.

TheHumancatapult · 23/03/2014 14:35

no I think that's a lovely idea especially as would had the standard scan before to carry all routine checks

bobot · 23/03/2014 14:35

But Gert, in that sad case, surely children would be entitled to grieve for their brother or sister - it isn't ' there is no baby' but 'there is a baby who has died'. If that were me, at full term, I would bring siblings to see and hold the baby and be involved in the funeral, not pretend their brother or sister didn't exist. My then 3 year old was very much involved in saying goodbye to the sister we lost in the second trimester and it helped him to process his grief.

OP, I'm sure that won't happen to you. I haven't taken my children to a scan as I wouldn't want them to be there if there was bad news, I'd like to break it to them in my own way, but I'd have no problem with what you're proposing. I think it's a lovely idea.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 23/03/2014 14:37

Like ive already said, mine didnt go to the scan, they still grieved for their brother.

At 9 and 10 they dont have to see the baby to know one is there

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 14:44

Gert seeing a scan is very different to seeing a baby in the flesh.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 23/03/2014 14:49

Ds didn't come to the scans, but they was nhs scans so if something was wrong I wouldn't have known my reaction.

Nanny0gg · 23/03/2014 14:49

Just to point out, that before everyone kicks off at the 'witch' of an ex-wife, we don't know any of the circumstances of the divorce.

So whilst on the face of it, it is a good idea for the Step-DCs to be as involved as possible with their new sibling, only the Ex knows her reasoning for perhaps being difficult.

So answer the OP by all means, but less condemnation of a third party?

Angelina77 · 23/03/2014 14:58

We did this with 5yo step-daughter as her Mum has told her about the pregnancy after 12wk scan (FB stalking) even though my partner asked her not to (we wanted to wait until after 20wk scan). I took great pleasure knowing she'd be annoyed by it, petty I know, but it made me feel better :-)

NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 15:00

totally agree nannyogg - for all we know the ex cannot have any more children and this is being done to rub it in her face.

Only1scoop · 23/03/2014 15:06

I wouldn't take them.

GertTheFlirt · 23/03/2014 15:13

angelina has admitted doing the same to wind up the ex. The OP and her DH know the ex in this scenario is capable of with holding access.

There are levels of appropriateness, things that you would do with your own children (perhaps) and things that would be entirely inappropriate with another woman. Only the OP knows where the boundaries lay in this relationship dynamic.