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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take step kids along for a private scan of their sibling?

105 replies

PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 13:56

I have a 7 and almost 2 yr old plus step children aged 8 and 9. When I was pregnant with 2 yr old their mum was very negative, telling them their dad would be too busy to see them, that he'd love the baby more because he sees her everyday etc. She then stopped contact altogether, telling them their dad had decided to concentrate on baby and not see them. As a result they didn't get to meet their sibling until dh had been through court and she was 6 months old.

Luckily they are great with dd but they do feel sad they didn't get to meet her sooner, hold her when she was tiny etc. This pregnancy I really Want them to feel involved and included. I was thinking of booking a private scan at 22 weeks (once we know everything is well) for us and all the children to find out if baby is a boy or a girl all together. However my friend said that's bound to antagonize their mum so we shouldn't. What do you think?

OP posts:
Angelina77 · 23/03/2014 15:31

No, we didn't do it to wind her up, that was just an added bonus :-)

ICanSeeTheSun · 23/03/2014 15:47

IMO these children have 2 parents, the mother doesn't own a monopoly of what her children does. The father is in as much right to make decision as is the mother.

MaryWestmacott · 23/03/2014 15:53

I think a private scan held after the 20 week NHS scan is highly unlikely to be bad news, the main 2 NHS scans would be inappropriate to take a child to, but the private scans (unless it's a private early one) are a very different feel, and they will be used to children being brought along to them.

And I agree, at 9 and 10, they will be just as sad if the baby later dies if they haven't seen the scan.

IsabellaRockerfeller · 23/03/2014 15:54

I personally wouldn't take them.

The ex will think you are doing it to rub her nose in it/wind her up and probably retaliate in some way involving the kids and the new baby.

It shouldn't be like that but it will be.

The kids will be involved in the new baby anyway, it isn't necessary to have a 22 week scan with kids there to make them feel involved (most women don't take their own kids to a scan let alone another woman's kids.

Pooka · 23/03/2014 15:59

I wouldn't have (and didn't) take my own children to ante-natal scans.

I just never felt that it was appropriate. Better for them to meet immediately after the baby is born.

And to be honest, if you have any suspicion at all that your actions might make the ex kick off, why rock the boat when it may have an impact on the time postnatally that the step children may have with their new brother or sister. It isn't necessary for kids to go to scans. It's not particularly usual and isn't expected as a matter of course. Most kids are capable of having a bond with a sibling without them (mine certainly were). So if it might cause ructions, really what would be achieved apart from point-scoring against the step children's mother?

Only1scoop · 23/03/2014 16:01

I wouldn't take another woman's children to a scan and buy them teddy bears.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 23/03/2014 16:02

I think it would be a lovely experience for all of you and I'd definitely go ahead

Only1scoop · 23/03/2014 16:02

Sorry 'heart beat' bears ....not teddy bears.

SummerRain · 23/03/2014 16:03

My older kids were at most of my scans with ds2 as we didn't have childcare. It was a choice between going alone and having to deal with bad news alone (which I did for a few) or having dp plus the kids. They were oblivious to the medical stuff but dd was 4 and liked seeing the baby on screen, 2 year old Ds1 was more interested in investigating the room.

If something were to happen the kids are at an age where they'd be very aware anyway, whether they go to the scan or not they'll see scan pics, see the bump moving, hear everyone talking about it, etc. The loss will be immense either way so why deny them the chance to come to the scan, op has said she'll do it after the all clear from nhs scans so there's little chance of anything scary on the day.

NewtRipley · 23/03/2014 16:05

Agree with Isabella and Pooka

PorkPieandPickle · 23/03/2014 16:06

Congratulations!!!

It is absolutely nothing to do with their mum and everything to do with their dad and he has the right to make decisions about what they can do while in his custody.

Whether or not kids should be taken to scans is another argument altogether.

The entire decision is up to your DH and you, but if you have decided to take your children, yes it would look bad to the stepkids.

Don't tell anyone in advance if you choose to do this!!

NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 16:08

what they can do while in his custody
fgs when will people stop using this term? they are not 'in custody' as they are not criminals. and tbh if OP is just doing this to get at the exwife, it is pretty sad.

needaholidaynow · 23/03/2014 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarewinning · 23/03/2014 16:22

She did this with her DC2 and took her DC1 along.

I don't see how doing it again with DC3 and including the DSC is any different. She's not doing it because they have contact again - she's doing it because she does this and happens to have contact again.

The fact the step children weren't involved the first time IMO makes it all the more important they do it this time -again as they did with first - and include them.

I have to say the heart bears IMO are a step too far!

FrogbyAnotherName · 23/03/2014 16:26

I wouldn't take another woman's children to a scan and buy them teddy bears.

Fair enough.

Excluding your DPs DCs while you are expecting their half-sibling is probably going to have a fairly significant psychological affect on them though - would you expect another woman to pick up the pieces when her children are upset?

Only1scoop · 23/03/2014 16:33

I wouldn't ever take a child to a scan to be honest....not even my own.

I trotted along to a scan at almost 18 weeks to be told our baby had died. I thank The Lord I didn't take our dd with me.

And all our scans were carried out privately....

Just a view that's all.

mom2twoteens · 23/03/2014 16:40

Does your DP have and opinion or is he caught between two women?

I think it should be more his decision, but I doubt they would feel left out by not being at the scan. Most children aren't that bothered.

Also as has been said before, let's not berate the ex wife. If a post had been written by the ex wife about her exs new partner insisting on taking her DCs to a baby scan, would we all be on her side berating the new partner? (If that makes sense)

Just a thought.

Sorry OP. I don't think you should take them. It won't affect them getting to know the baby when it's born.

GreenPetal94 · 23/03/2014 16:41

I would not take them as I had the experience of going to a private 13 week scan and all fine and then going to a routine NHS one that was three weeks later at 16 weeks and finding the baby had died. Less like at 22 weeks, but how would you deal with the kids if something was up?

NewtRipley · 23/03/2014 16:49

Rainbow, and Only1scoop

Sorry for your loss

NewtRipley · 23/03/2014 16:49

What the heck is a heart bear?

Only1scoop · 23/03/2014 16:53

Newt....thanks so much....a huge shock.

Not quite sure what the heart beat bears are....Op talks of buying the children one at her scan ....so must be available at scan clinic. Not sure what they are though.

Pooka · 23/03/2014 16:59

www.4dscanning.co.uk/brayford-studio-bears.htm

I think this is the type of bear the op is referring to. The heart beat from the scan is recorded onto them.

I really really think that the bears are a bad idea. Unless the op is planning on keeping them at her house rather than them travelling with the dcs. The mother of the step children may feel the same way as some other posters have about the mixing of kids with scans and the over-emphasising of the baby-to-be with children.

I suppose maybe I'm naturally cautious, but I made an effort with my dcs to keep the pregnancy excitement low key until the baby had safely arrived.

Jengnr · 23/03/2014 17:04

I think you should do it. The kids will love it and, as you said, it's about including them, which is very important.

It is nothing whatsoever to do with their mother.

NewtRipley · 23/03/2014 17:07

Blimey

The world has really moved on since I had my DCs

With ds1 you had to have a full bladder for the scan, and they kept me waiting 45 minutes.........

Estrellita · 23/03/2014 17:08

Rainbow, Only1Scoop, sorry for your loss.

This happened to me as well. All going fine and then no heartbeat at 19 week scan.

It is very, very unlikely that this would happen to you op, but still I wouldn't take children to a scan. Guess I'm scarred by my own experience. There are plenty of other ways to include them in the pregnancy and help them look forward to the arrival of their sibling. In the rare case that something wasn't right it would be awful for them to be there when you found out.

But if I hadn't lost my first in this way, I'd probably think differently.

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