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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take step kids along for a private scan of their sibling?

105 replies

PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 13:56

I have a 7 and almost 2 yr old plus step children aged 8 and 9. When I was pregnant with 2 yr old their mum was very negative, telling them their dad would be too busy to see them, that he'd love the baby more because he sees her everyday etc. She then stopped contact altogether, telling them their dad had decided to concentrate on baby and not see them. As a result they didn't get to meet their sibling until dh had been through court and she was 6 months old.

Luckily they are great with dd but they do feel sad they didn't get to meet her sooner, hold her when she was tiny etc. This pregnancy I really Want them to feel involved and included. I was thinking of booking a private scan at 22 weeks (once we know everything is well) for us and all the children to find out if baby is a boy or a girl all together. However my friend said that's bound to antagonize their mum so we shouldn't. What do you think?

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 23/03/2014 17:08

Me too Pooka

MissBattleaxe · 23/03/2014 17:16

I really don't think that fear of the exes actions should stop you and your DH doing anything OP. If your DH is scared of doing things for fear of upsetting her, then she has won.

Quoteunquote · 23/03/2014 17:20

Personally I think it a bad idea to take anyone to a scan who is not adult enough to deal with tragedy.

Having found out my babies have died in me was hard enough, it would have been deviating if my eldest son had been in the room.

I would never say someone is having a baby, just that they are pregnant.

I hope everything goes well, but don't risk taking children to a scan.

InsertAwesomeNickname · 23/03/2014 17:22

Personally I would take any children to a scan.

That aside I guess if it's what you want to do then go ahead but I would make sure the ex knew what you were doing beforehand.

Angelina you sound lovely Hmm using someone else's children as a pawn to play tit for tat and settle a score with their mother. Pretty low and hugely childish to think upsetting her is a bonus.

takeiteasybuttakeit · 23/03/2014 18:20

OP, you mightn't be too keen on your step-children's mum and maybe you feel that most things you do with the children will upset her. However, if you think she'll be particularly upset by this then don't do it.

Also, like others I've received very bad news at scans and am glad my dcs weren't there. What you could do if you really want them to see the baby before it is born is to get a 3-d video thing made of the scan and share that with them at home.

But also, as others have said, seeing the baby on a scan isn't necessarily the best way to 'bond' with them. Helping get the place ready and being around in the first few weeks is more than enough. In a scan the baby is still quite abstract for children.

SallyMcgally · 23/03/2014 18:35

Given the way the ex behaved when the OP's first baby was born, I for one am comfortable with finding her deeply problematic. If a stepmother had behaved that way, the wrath of Mumsnet would be right on her. Here you have a stepmother bending over backwards to include her stepchildren, and people suggest she shouldn't because it might rub the ex's nose in it. It's not about the ex first and foremost.

MissDuke · 23/03/2014 19:01

I personally think that you should only bring them if your dh is really wanting them to go. I would worry the motive behind this is to upset the ex, which is just wrong. I don't see the point of the bears - is that something you did for your now 7 year old when you were pregnant with your youngest? If not, then I fear this is being done for the wrong reasons.

Angelina77 · 23/03/2014 19:06

Erm, not quite insert, it was her Dad's decision to take her, I don't think he considers her to be 'someone else's child'. His ex is spiteful and controlling, it's very difficult having someone like that in our lives.

Anyway, fwiw, she loved seeing the baby on the screen and it was exciting for us all to find out he's a boy together.

Monetbyhimself · 23/03/2014 19:11

Sad that children are used as pawns to get one up on another women.

OP you don't need to take the kids to a scan in order for them to be excited about the new baby. I can't help but thinking that given the shitstorm that erupted before, you could just share pictures of your anomoly scan. It's not as if kids of this age know and understand scans and will be disappointed.

I kind if get the feeling you're going to do it anyway though.

SallyMcgally · 23/03/2014 19:17

Pretty sad that that's the motive people are ascribing to the OP. Is it really too much to believe that she wants to share the pleasure and excitement with her stepchildren on exactly the same basis as her own children?
OP - whatever the outcome you sound a lovely stepmother and they're lucky to have you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/03/2014 19:31

I wouldn't not because of what her reaction may be but because I think creating entire events around a baby that is not even born is a bit like rubbing it in their faces before they have had enough time to work out their own feelings and emotional security levels.

They may already deep down be very insecure and concerned

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/03/2014 19:48

I took dd (then aged 2.7) to my 12 week scan of ds.

It was a very difficult decision as I'd been threatening miscarriage throughout the first trimester so we really didn't know what would happen. At the very very last minute our childcare fell through and with 5 minutes to go before we were due to leave (so no hope of getting any more in time) we were looking at each other trying to decide whether it was better to have both dh and dd there or neither of them.

As it was it was fine and dd still has the scan picture the sonographer gave her for being so good and likes to show ds and tell him about it. (He's not yet 10 months so isn't overly impressed!)

I'm not convinced by the whole "don't let them bond in case the baby is lost" theory - probably because when my dh was 5 his 4 month old baby brother died. Sad Unfortunately you can't protect children from tradegy completely. We didn't tell dd about ds until the main threat of miscarriage was over but after that we felt she had a right to know.

Newt It's even worse in the EPADs unit - they tell you all to turn up at 9am with a full bladder. I then wasn't seen until nearly 12! And then the baby was too mall anyway so I had to go and wee so they could do an internal scan. The funniest thing was that when we finished and were told that the baby was fine rather than having a happy emotional moment in the corridor, dh sprinted to the loo. Apparently he'd been desperate for ages but hadn't wanted to go out of solidarity! which either makes him really sweet or a total idiot......

Nanny0gg · 23/03/2014 20:14

Given the way the ex behaved when the OP's first baby was born, I for one am comfortable with finding her deeply problematic

As I said before, we have no idea (nor should we) of the reasons why she is the 'ex' wife. She may be justified, she may not. Don't know her side/reasons, do we?

InsertAwesomeNickname · 23/03/2014 20:21

Sorry Angelina...

"We did this with 5yo step-daughter as her Mum has told her about the pregnancy after 12wk scan (FB stalking) even though my partner asked her not to (we wanted to wait until after 20wk scan). I took great pleasure knowing she'd be annoyed by it, petty I know, but it made me feel better"

That certainly suggests that it was done to get back at the Mum.

It's sad that kids get stuck in the middle of this shit. It was them that would have gone back to possibly a bad atmosphere at their Mum's house because of this.

InsertAwesomeNickname · 23/03/2014 20:22

And FWIW I think what she did was pretty shitty too.

SallyMcgally · 23/03/2014 20:27

nanny I'm struggling to think of a good reason to tell a 7 and 8 yr old that their father won't be interested in them once he has a new baby, and to make access so difficult that their father has to get a court to grant access. However she feels about her ex, and whatever the rights and wrongs of her relationship with him, that was a thoroughly shabby way to behave.

Bowlersarm · 23/03/2014 20:29

I think it's a lovely idea.

All the children have a bonding experience, involving their new half (and full if you take your 2 year old) sibling. And to find out whether it is a brother or sister at the time will be truly special.

If something tragic happened, well, they would be upset anyway. I don't think that should stop you.

Pooka · 23/03/2014 20:41

I suppose my take on it is that there is a difference between something happening at the scan and having the opportunity as adults to process and explain in an age appropriate way, which would be possible if children not present, and something coming up at the scan and the children being party to that information as well as their father/stepmother's raw and unfiltered responses.

I know that it is most likely that nothing bad will come up and all will be well.

But i was never comfortable with taking that risk, and always saw even the later scans during pregnancy as a medical opportunity for reassurance rather than a bonding session between the children. I saw no massive reason for the children to see more than scan photos and rub my tummy. And frankly, found the scans pretty incomprehensible myself, even at later stages! :)

Estrellita · 23/03/2014 20:44

No, you certainly can't protect children from tragedy, that's life (and death) unfortunately. But one would have time to absorb the shock and then break it to the kids as gently as possible after the fact. That's what I would want to do. But if ones experience with these things has been happy rather than horrific, it probably doesn't even register on the emotional radar.

Estrellita · 23/03/2014 20:46

X post with Pooka...you said it better than me!

InsertAwesomeNickname · 23/03/2014 20:46

Pooka I think you make very valid points there. Unfortunately I lost my first child and it was only apparent that the babies heart had stopped during a routine scan. Although I hadn't been feeling 100% nothing could have prepared me for that and the last person I would have wanted to see that would be a child.

OP at private scans you can get DVDs now. Would that be something worse considering instead of taking the children with you?

daffodildays · 23/03/2014 20:48

I think you need to act on what is morally correct, regardless of how the other party has behaved.

I think you, as stepmum, have no moral right to make this decision without parental consent. So, the question is, firstly, does your DH think it is a good idea?

I think it is also polite to ask the DC if they wish to go (have they been asked?)

I don't think, personally, it is appropriate to take DC to a scan for all the reasons outlined.

Also, you don't know the fertility history or the current fertility position of the mum. Imagine you lost a baby and your dc came home with stepsibling scan photos. If you don't know the mum well enough to talk about it, don't do it. It is far too personal.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 23/03/2014 21:07

I think it's a lovely thing to do.

You always hear on here how a stepmother has done x, y or z and isn't interested in her stepchildren.

A scan can be a difficult time but if an anomaly scan has taken place recently and there is no indications that things could go wrong, the chances are small that there would be a problem with the baby.

I seriously see no reason why the mothers feelings should come into play here. She was cruel saying nasty things to the children about their Dad, even if she believed it - what nutter tells a child that? It's ridiculous and scandalous.

Secondly they aren't her children, it's their children which includes the Dad. Whilst they are under his care he should be able to do anything with them that isn't dangerous.

Honestly -- I just don't get it.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 23/03/2014 21:32

I really don't get all this 'someone else's children' stuff -tthey're dhs children as much as they are his ex wife's.

Nanny I don't know what reason you could possibly think its ok to be so cruel to small children as his ex was regarding our first baby. Even if I was the OW (which I wasn't, they'd been separated for years before the pregnancy) saying such horrible things and stopping your dc being involved with their half sibling isjust plain spiteful.

I take on board your points about something going wrong unexpectedly, but think the chances are low. My eldest definitely wants to come as she remembers last time and so even if something was wrong, seeing the baby might still act as a comfort rather than just being told the news.

The heart beat bears would be to keep at our house. Mystep dc have ccommented on how much they love dds last one and think they'd love their own.

OP posts:
InsertAwesomeNickname · 23/03/2014 21:47

FWIW my someone else's children remark was to another poster appearing to be playing a stupid childish game with her SC as pawns. Just want to make it clear that it wasn't in any way related to your situation.

I think the bears are a lovely idea by the way regardless of whether or not the children attend. I still have my reservations about taking children to a scan especially due to what happened to me in my first pregnancy. And I really don't think seeing a mother who has just lost a baby would be a comfort to any child but each to their own (I wouldn't wish this on anyone and truly hope and believe your little one will be a healthy strong little baby). Personally I just wouldn't risk it.

The only thing I really do think is that your DH should be the one to tell his ex that either they are going or have been. Don't leave it to the kids to tell her.