No idea what to do or say for the best re move overseas....

[Tory79]

This is probably more a wwyd but it looks ever so quiet in there!

The facts:

I am 12 weeks pregnant, and have ds who's 2.5. I'm a SAHM.

Dh works very hard in a good job and earns good money. However, he works long hours, often has a massive commute (we live in the midlands, close to his family, but he spends a lot of time in London) he is usually away at least 2 nights a week. He has hated his job for a while now, his boss (who owns the company) is, shall we say, somewhat eccentric, very demanding of dh, and frequently ridiculously unreasonable. Dh (and a number of his colleagues) have very serious concerns that the company may go under soon.

Dh has been approached re a new job. He hasn't had an offer yet, but he has been for an interview and is fairly sure that they would like to make him an offer. New job is just what dh would like to do, massive and very secure company, regular hours with v little travel, excellent pay. Oh..... And based in Dubai.

He has been looking for other jobs in London/where we live, but has not found anything comparable to either the potential job or his current role.

Dh wants to go to Dubai. However, he's basically said its up to me, as I'm the one who'd have to make a new life over there.

I don't want to go. I'm terrified of losing family support, my friends, of having a baby abroad, of being so far from everyone, of trying to sort out a life for ds over there. this is not helped by the fact that I've been so sick and so tired for the last 6 weeks or so now and feeling like utter shit form the pregnancy. Also terrified of having 2 and being all alone abroad - I find it hard enough with 1 sometimes!!

In addition, it would break my mums heart, my brother already lives overseas. She and my dad are divorced and she is on her own.

I also have dsd8, and I don't think dh has properly thought through how that would work either.

I know it may all be irrelevant, there has been no offer as yet, but dh is supposed to be meeting someone v senior in the company next week, and is talking about cancelling it as I'm obviously not keen.

I don't know what to do! I am considering suggesting that I stay here and see how that works to begin with.... I don't think dh would be very happy with that though.....

Could dh try to negotiate accommodation too in his package?

You mentioned this is your offer:

100k min salary, possibly more
1 months salary bonus min
5% annual salary increase min
£3000 per person flight allowance
20000 diram per year school allowance
30 days holiday
Healthcare inc but don't know details
Accommodation not included but will provide loan to cover initial rental costs

It is not enough, bearing in mind rent, buying two cars, electricity etc. I think our school fees were higher.

OP - ask expatwoman.com in the Abu Dhabi or Dubai threads and they will give you the exact budget you will need.

Just looked OP - our school fees were 42,000 per year.

I would add make sure that he is employed under the same terms and condition as now, not local ones and that he can contribute to the same pension pot.

I live and work in a neighbouring ME country (Not in the UAE). My salary is a heck of a lot less than the 100K quoted, and yet we still live comfortably and save (not 30K a year though)

Your air flight package is very generous, you would probably be able to fly Business Class.

The school fees look less generous. I am a teacher and my kids go free, but I think our fees are more than your allowance.

I have free accommodation, would you be looking for a villa with garden, or an apartment. Very big difference.

I would say he should negotiate to get housing paid for as part of the package or it just isn't worth it. Also 5 years is a long time. Can you not commit to two or three instead?

I'm living overseas at the moment (Asia) and the only thing I see standing in your way is your DSD. If you can work out a mutually agreed timetable of visits (by that I mean all of you - your DH, his ex, DSD and you) then go for it.

But if you are going to do it, you need to commit to the decision and make the best of it. Us expats all go through down periods and have a whinge, but most of us are trying to make the most of the opportunity. I've met the odd one who is just so down about everything and critical of their host country, that you know they won't be happy until they've left (and sometimes I wonder if they'll just find other things to complain about back home...)

What anomoly said basically. You can do all the sums you want and get excited about the bigger income, but the bottom line is, he is leaving a young child behind. You are right to be concerned aboit that. I wonder why he is showing such disregard?

Thank you all for your help. Dh and I had a good chat the other night and I read him some of the replies from here. As I suspected he had done bugger all research into living in Dubai, and was getting very carried away with the idea of the salary. Now he's realised he wouldn't be saving a small fortune he is much less keen. He is still due to be meeting with this guy from the company at some point, and will tell him that the money/package is not enough and see what happens, but I think in his heart of hearts he realises that it's probably not going to happen.

Re dsd, don't get me wrong, dh adores her and loves spending time with her. I think it's just his personality to think things will work out, without considering the details - I am very much the opposite (fortunately) and am all about the detail!