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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No idea what to do or say for the best re move overseas....

109 replies

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 10:10

This is probably more a wwyd but it looks ever so quiet in there!

The facts:

I am 12 weeks pregnant, and have ds who's 2.5. I'm a SAHM.

Dh works very hard in a good job and earns good money. However, he works long hours, often has a massive commute (we live in the midlands, close to his family, but he spends a lot of time in London) he is usually away at least 2 nights a week. He has hated his job for a while now, his boss (who owns the company) is, shall we say, somewhat eccentric, very demanding of dh, and frequently ridiculously unreasonable. Dh (and a number of his colleagues) have very serious concerns that the company may go under soon.

Dh has been approached re a new job. He hasn't had an offer yet, but he has been for an interview and is fairly sure that they would like to make him an offer. New job is just what dh would like to do, massive and very secure company, regular hours with v little travel, excellent pay. Oh..... And based in Dubai.

He has been looking for other jobs in London/where we live, but has not found anything comparable to either the potential job or his current role.

Dh wants to go to Dubai. However, he's basically said its up to me, as I'm the one who'd have to make a new life over there.

I don't want to go. I'm terrified of losing family support, my friends, of having a baby abroad, of being so far from everyone, of trying to sort out a life for ds over there. this is not helped by the fact that I've been so sick and so tired for the last 6 weeks or so now and feeling like utter shit form the pregnancy. Also terrified of having 2 and being all alone abroad - I find it hard enough with 1 sometimes!!

In addition, it would break my mums heart, my brother already lives overseas. She and my dad are divorced and she is on her own.

I also have dsd8, and I don't think dh has properly thought through how that would work either.

I know it may all be irrelevant, there has been no offer as yet, but dh is supposed to be meeting someone v senior in the company next week, and is talking about cancelling it as I'm obviously not keen.

I don't know what to do! I am considering suggesting that I stay here and see how that works to begin with.... I don't think dh would be very happy with that though.....

OP posts:

AmysTiara · 23/03/2014 11:34

Op im surprised so many are saying go for it. Youve got a lot on at present. Youve gpt a step daughter and a mum youll miss. For me i could not leave them plus i would never live in Dubai. Its so far away plus its a completely different way of life.

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 11:34

Totally agree with mateysmum £100k is a good salary but it's not massive in Dubai and although it's possible to get loans for things like rent, if things go wrong and your DH loses his job, the repercussions can be severe.

If you have the means to pay all you upfront costs then fine but if you don't you'll need to very carefully investigate options and include contingencies for things like potential complications with your forthcoming labour.

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 11:35

Oh and yes they pay a travel allowance for each family member for flights.

I used to work in hr and some of my role was helping people relocate abroad or from abroad to the uk, so luckily I have a vague knowledge about some of this!

OP posts:

mateysmum · 23/03/2014 11:38

Medically there shouldn't be any issues with having the baby in Dubai, provided financially you are OK. Emotionally I can understand your concerns.

Were both you and DH born in the UK and British citizens by birth? I ask because if 2 generations are born abroad it can raise issues re citizenship.

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 11:39

Couldn't DH just go and come home at weekends?

Seriously? 14 hours flying plus another 3/4 in the airports plus travel to and from the airport every weekend at £500 a time??!!

And the UAE working week is Sunday to Thursday.

HanSolo · 23/03/2014 11:41

It's 14 hours? seriously? Sorry- I had no idea! You can get to Thailand in less than that!

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 11:42

It's about 7 hours each way.

HanSolo · 23/03/2014 11:43

Ah- you mean both ways! Doh!

Well- I certainly think £100k is worth moving to Dubai for. Not with 2 small children, and a DSD I hadn't even noticed!

desertmum · 23/03/2014 11:44

Lived in Dubai for years, my advise is this : if your husband is being offered a package in the region of 100K with no supplements (ie. housing, medical, school fees, flights home etc) then it will not be worth it. Housing costs are high, school fees are high and even if he gets a raise each year the rises in the school fees, rent, etc. will be higher. Take a look on britishexpats - they have a huge and sensible Dubai page.
It is an awesome place to live - altho not as awesome as it was. But great experience for the children, it is my children's place of birth and second home - they loved it.

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 11:45

Well him flying home for the weekend and not flying back kind of defeats the object of the exercise

Nennypops · 23/03/2014 11:45

So you have a choice between a good senior level job abroad where you can save money, or dh carrying on in a job he hates with a horrendous commute where you hardly seen him during the week, and which might well disappear tomorrow. I think you can see where I'm going with this.

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 11:48

Mateysmum, yes dh and I are both British citizens.

Basically the package as we know it without a formal offer is

100k min salary, possibly more
1 months salary bonus min
5% annual salary increase min
£3000 per person flight allowance
20000 diram per year school allowance
30 days holiday
Healthcare inc but don't know details
Accommodation not included but will provide loan to cover initial rental costs

OP posts:

joanofarchitrave · 23/03/2014 11:49

I would do it, and I'm absolutely a homebody type who doesn't do the heat.

But your dh needs to talk early and often to DSD's mother too, and to her once things are a little clearer.

I have no idea whether it would be possible to spend the money to have a house with an annexe or good quality spare bedroom/suite so that it's very easy for your mother to visit, on top of a space that belongs to your DSD?

scottishmummy · 23/03/2014 11:51

Compromise,why can't you get a job here take burden of being lone earner off dh
At moment he's done in,and has responsibility of sole earner.why can't you work too
Going overseas is significant you both need to be on board,I think your being bit self centred in limiting him and his choices

DebbieOfMaddox · 23/03/2014 11:52

I think he should negotiate for extras (e.g. medical and school fees, at least, even if not housing) and you should take it for a few years if he can get them.

DebbieOfMaddox · 23/03/2014 11:53

Cross-posted with your post about package details.

Thetallesttower · 23/03/2014 11:55

I would also urge caution about going out to Dubai with the seemingly generous packages.

I have a friend who has lived out there for many years, although its a good location in many ways, they also were hit by the recession badly and one thing you may not be aware of is that if you don't have a job there, you have to leave the country immediately. This happened to them, he did eventually get another job but it was an extremely stressful time, given you are out so quickly if you lose your job/get made redundant. You therefore need a moving back option always.

I would also second the fact that schooling is very expensive- maids may be very cheap but you may feel ambivalent about employing someone on a very poor wage.

To me, the children are little for such a short time, unless I could ensure my mum was over there a lot, then I wouldn't go. That would be the decider for me- and how would it work with your 8 year old step-child (if I'd read that correctly)? If they could come out a lot, then I would consider it, not if say mum had difficulties travelling or step-child couldn't come very often.

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 11:55

Debbie, we have medical and school fees included already.

Scottishmummy, we have talked about me working again and I certainly will do at some point, that was always the plan. however, at this stage when I'm already pregnant, it's probably not a practical option.

OP posts:

Thetallesttower · 23/03/2014 11:59

To answer whether he's being self-centred, if you found a great new job out in Dubai that started after your maternity leave, would he get up and move out there for you?

My husband would, but many of the ones on MN seem quite content to have a trailing spouse, and my friend has struggled to find any job now her children are at school so has effectively been out of the workplace for over 10 years and is finding this very difficult now. I'm not saying women don't work in Dubai, some do, but there's less of a tradition of part-time jobs and opportunities for them (some very enterprising women set up their own companies etc as a response to this).

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 12:00

Thetallesttower, my mum has no problem travelling, but she does still work full time. Dh's parents are retired but I know they won't travel. I have real concerns about how often we'd manage to see dsd, dh is rather blasé about it!

Does anyone think it would be a good idea to suggest that dh goes and I stay here?!

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 12:03

There are others that can advise better on the specifics of that package but I'd be concerned that you DH thinks you'll be able to save £30/£40k a year on that.

I know you are more realistic but if that's what he is expecting I think he might be in for a shock.

Presumably the school fee allowance won't kick in until your eldest needs it?

mateysmum · 23/03/2014 12:05

OK so accommodation will be your major cost.

20k dhs pa won't come close to covering fees for even 1 child. Fees at JESS for foundation are currently 32 000 p.a and for yrs 2- 6 are 40 000. There are cheaper schools, but JESS is a good benchmark DS went there.

Overall it is a reasonable package, but I don't think you will save 30k per annum - certainly not in the first year. But it's definitely doable on that.

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 12:06

Does anyone think it would be a good idea to suggest that dh goes and I stay here?!

It depends if you'd be happy managing 2 young children on their own and neither you or them seeing him much.

Also, you'd be running 2 households, albeit a more modest one in Dubai, so savings opportunities would be more limited.

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 12:07

The 20000 dirham school allowance is per child, but no, it wouldn't start until they were at school

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 23/03/2014 12:07

Yes but use mat leave write cv,think about ways back into work,look fir nursery
If he sole worker it's a heavy burden,no wonder he want to relocate
I don't think your own mothers preference should factor into whether you and dh relocate

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