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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No idea what to do or say for the best re move overseas....

109 replies

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 10:10

This is probably more a wwyd but it looks ever so quiet in there!

The facts:

I am 12 weeks pregnant, and have ds who's 2.5. I'm a SAHM.

Dh works very hard in a good job and earns good money. However, he works long hours, often has a massive commute (we live in the midlands, close to his family, but he spends a lot of time in London) he is usually away at least 2 nights a week. He has hated his job for a while now, his boss (who owns the company) is, shall we say, somewhat eccentric, very demanding of dh, and frequently ridiculously unreasonable. Dh (and a number of his colleagues) have very serious concerns that the company may go under soon.

Dh has been approached re a new job. He hasn't had an offer yet, but he has been for an interview and is fairly sure that they would like to make him an offer. New job is just what dh would like to do, massive and very secure company, regular hours with v little travel, excellent pay. Oh..... And based in Dubai.

He has been looking for other jobs in London/where we live, but has not found anything comparable to either the potential job or his current role.

Dh wants to go to Dubai. However, he's basically said its up to me, as I'm the one who'd have to make a new life over there.

I don't want to go. I'm terrified of losing family support, my friends, of having a baby abroad, of being so far from everyone, of trying to sort out a life for ds over there. this is not helped by the fact that I've been so sick and so tired for the last 6 weeks or so now and feeling like utter shit form the pregnancy. Also terrified of having 2 and being all alone abroad - I find it hard enough with 1 sometimes!!

In addition, it would break my mums heart, my brother already lives overseas. She and my dad are divorced and she is on her own.

I also have dsd8, and I don't think dh has properly thought through how that would work either.

I know it may all be irrelevant, there has been no offer as yet, but dh is supposed to be meeting someone v senior in the company next week, and is talking about cancelling it as I'm obviously not keen.

I don't know what to do! I am considering suggesting that I stay here and see how that works to begin with.... I don't think dh would be very happy with that though.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 12:08

Yes bearbehind, I think if I were to stay here (which is absolutely not ideal, but maybe should be an option) saving would become more irrelevant and the main reason would be the boost to dh career.

OP posts:

mateysmum · 23/03/2014 12:09

I don't think it's a good idea if DH goes alone on a permanent basis. Maybe till your baby is born, but not for ever.

I speak as someone who had returned to the UK 2 yrs ahead of DH, but DS is a teenager and we always had an end date in mind. I think you will find it very difficult with 2 little ones and no DH and he will be living a new life that you will have no part in. Not a good recipe for a happy marriage.

crescentmoon · 23/03/2014 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 12:12

I did wonder that mateysmum, whether to suggest that dh goes, and I follow after baby is born. I'm conscious that if dh was offered the role now, realistically we'd be moving at the time of year a lot of people seem to leave Dubai which probably wouldn't be the best time, also I'd be heavily pregnant and plunged in to the heat! So maybe new year would be a better time when baby is 3 months old.....

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 12:15

Realistically, what kind of job and salary could he hope to achieve when he returns if he took the job?

That would be the key to it for me.

I know you said it was a very GOOD job and very senior (and I don't mean to be rude) but that package doesn't reflect that.

Considering splitting up your family or moving somewhere you don't want to go to would have to have a very big and virtually guaranteed carrot dangling at the end of it for me to do it.

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 12:22

So out of interest bearbehind, what would you consider a really good salary in Dubai then? Are we just being blinded by the fact it's tax free?

OP posts:

redexpat · 23/03/2014 12:22

I live in rural Denmark - not quite the same as Dubai, but I'd like to share something that I experienced. I had tried for years to make friends here, didn't really get anywhere other than with other expats, but then when I had a baby the HV put me in a mother group with 4 local women (slightly different setup than in the UK with voluntary groups). Plus everyone in the village started talking to me because they wanted to see the baby. Having a baby got me a support network, which was not what I thought would happen. You never know.

I would wait until an offer comes through, and look at it in great detail before you decide.

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 12:28

If you got your accommodation paid within that package then it's a whole different ball game.

The salary is tax free but the cost of living is really high.

It's certainly not an insignificant amount but I'd be concerned that if your DH thinks you can save £30/£40k which is unrealistic, is he also being unrealistic about what lies at the end of it.

£100k for a very senior position in a very big firm without an accommodation package isn't mega bucks in Dubai but obviously it depends what he currently earns and could hope to earn after it.

wobblyweebles · 23/03/2014 12:38

I would go - my parents and dh's parents both travelled when we were children and we got to see a lot of the world and loved it.

It sounds like it would set your dh up career wise so after a few years you'd have lots of options to move back if you wanted.

It's very hard to make decisions when you're feeling tired and sick. Talk it through with your dh so the pressure is not all on you.

Rumplestiltskinismyname · 23/03/2014 13:00

I think from reading your messages, that you would really like for someone to say that you should consider the 'you staying behind option'. I would very much not go with that plan if it were me!! There are several reasons why I think this would be hard:

your DH would not have the best opportunity to bond with your new DC.
it may be harder for your DH to enjoy and maximise his ability at work, if he is going back to a small, lifeless flat with no family there!

My parents moved abroad before I was born, and we lived overseas (far east), for the majority of my childhood. It widened our horizons, my mum loved having help at home, and the friends that she made through the expatriate community were some of the best friendships she ever made. Yes, she missed her family- but nowadays there are more opportunities for regular contact then the old-fashioned once a week, cross lined, telephone conversations! Travel is a lot cheaper then it used to be, airlines like Emmirates are expanding at a rate of knots, and for every other day, you can chat for hours on Skype! It isn't the same as being in each other's houses, but it is great for keeping up.

So, if you can make the financial package work, please consider going. It really really could be an amazing experience. However, knowing other people who have gone out half-heartedly, you very much have to be upbeat to make it work- otherwise it can be easy to wallow in homesickness and not embrace some of the wonderful things that an expatriate lifestyle can offer.

As a child of expatriates I would move in a heartbeat! I think it does give you more of a wanderlust.

UserNameDenied · 23/03/2014 13:02

Can you at least go and have a look? All my friends who lived there as expats loved it. There are states the bleedin' obvious loads of expats there and you should be able to find all the baby groups etc that you should ever need.

We were expats for 16 years and I had my kids in various countries
I did miss things about the uk but we came home every summer for a month. We loved all our assignments. It was interesting and good fun.

I found I made brilliant friends as an expat as everyone was in the same situation and everyone had time on their hands to socialise. (Well, the stay at home partner). People weren't busy with their own extended families or with housework or whatever.

It doesn't suit everyone though. It depends on you and your partners relationship and personalities. I also think there are some countries that must be very hard to live in.

We didn't initially do it for money but after 16 years of no housing/schooling/cars costs etc it was definitely a very good thing to do financially. The financial security it has given us is amazing.

Having a £3000 per person flight allowence is great, you will be able to come back to the uk regularly albeit economy.

My DH and I never lived apart. We didn't want to. My DH would have missed us too much. I don't think it works that well

Being an expat makes you appriciate the uk too.

scottishmummy · 23/03/2014 13:04

There is healthcare provision for you family and baby
You'd not be alone,you'd be part of an expat community,there are other wives too
Reading your posts I detect a resistance.id say at least go spend weekend look the place over

AgaPanthers · 23/03/2014 13:06

Dubai is vile. But do go ahead.

mouldyironingboard · 23/03/2014 13:14

I don't think you can make such an important decision without going for a visit. Would it be possible for you to spend a few days there?

Personally I wouldn't want to live away from all my friends and family and no amount of money would ever make me want to live in Dubai.

mateysmum · 23/03/2014 13:40

OP I wouldn't wait till the new year. Your baby will be about 3-4months by then and DH and you will miss out so much on bonding your new family and it will be hard being on your own even if you have family support. If you do wait I would go as soon as you are fit to travel. Remember if DH has already been there a few months he should have been able to get a house sorted and be familiar with Dubai which will make it a lot easier.

mateysmum · 23/03/2014 13:41

Not very helpful AGA.

scottishmummy · 23/03/2014 13:43

I don't think you should get final say when you don't work or contribute

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 13:47

I don't think you should get final say when you don't work or contribute

Blimey scottishmummy that's a bit harsh- she's bringing up his children.

As for agas post- I'm surprised the Dubai haters didn't start sooner.

UserNameDenied · 23/03/2014 13:50

I don't think you should get final say when you don't work or contribute

WTAF!

scottishmummy · 23/03/2014 13:50

Harsh,in what way?he continues in job he hates cause she'll miss her mum.
She is at home with kids,yes.and he's knocking himself out in a job he dislikes
His employment facilitates her being at home,he needs a bigger say,seeing he has to shoulder it

And fwiw,folk I know who went loved dubaib

ovenchips · 23/03/2014 13:59

Would it also be possible for DSD's mother to be asked (if things are amicable enough) how she thinks a move abroad would work for your DSD? I really think your DH needs to know, realistically, what he is committing to in terms of seeing his DD and also what is best for her.

It's a serious consideration, one which you obviously appreciate, and your DH needs to have a very realistic idea of ramifications for his DD, how she feels and his relationship with her.

Lots of luck with your decision. It's not easy.

Original poster

Tory79 · 23/03/2014 14:00

Err scottishmummy, the only person who thinks I should get the final say is dh! I don't! I think there's plenty more at stake than how much I want to go. Not for the reasons you've said though - me not working was a mutual decision, one we are both happy with.

My mum is not the big reason, it's one of many along with family support in general. I don't think it's wrong to be concerned about her though considering she's already on her own with her other child living abroad! I've given plenty of reasons why I don't want to go, including my concerns for dh's daughter or is that not valid either?

OP posts:

UserNameDenied · 23/03/2014 14:02

Really, Scottish the little wifey should just do as she's told? REALLY???

That's hilarious,I can only presume you are bored and fancy a bunfight

Bearbehind · 23/03/2014 14:05

I can't put it better than usernamedenied- I can't actually believe you wrote that scottishmummy

Timetoask · 23/03/2014 14:11

I say go for it.
I won´t be forever, these jobs usually are for a fixed number of years, your dc will be very young and will adapt very well to the uk education system when you come back in a few years.
From a financial point of view (have worked abroad myself) it is fantastic. You can save so much money and earn well as an expat so long as you don't spend it all and always think about how to invest your income ready for when you return.
Better family time. Your dh will not b e working silly hours, commuting silly hours. Your family unit will be happier and he will feel more connected to the kids.
Yes I know you will not have family around, but you are a grown up, you will need to find other expats to see, find things to do with the kids, when you come back to the UK your family will still be there. Your mum could come and visit as well.
Regarding your DSD I guess you dh will have to discuss an arrange with her mother about travelling on holidays. Its an important point to consider.

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