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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at dp

41 replies

Babiecakes91 · 21/03/2014 22:20

Me and dp have been together for almost 4 years and have a 2 year old ds with autism.
It seems when I get ill he never seems to be around, I had our first mc in Oct 2011 when my ds was 6 months and he went and played football with his friends 5 hours after I left hospital.
I had our second mc on Hogmanay this year and dp was out drinking.with his friends and my sister and stayed overnight at sisters.
Today I have had problems with my hyper-mobility syndrome and I could barely get down the floor to change ds nappy and lift him into bed dp knew this but decided he was going to a family party, I have no problem with him going to the party but he didn't tell me that ds and I were invited and now he has just called and is staying at his grans 40 miles away from where we live.
I guess I'm just mad that if my hip pain doesn't ease off and ds wakes up tonight or even in the morning I may not be able to carry him back to bed or change him, my ds can't understand any instructions but climbs everything.and I can't take my tramadol as they knock me out which if he was to wake up I wouldn't hear him and he would be up to no good.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 21/03/2014 22:27

YANBU, it doesn't sound like he cares about you or your ds, he still acts like he's single and not part of a family

tallwivglasses · 21/03/2014 22:30

Wow, Babiecakes, you really need some support!

Does your ds have a social worker? I'm sure you'd be entitled to a support worker, possibly some extra money? That would be so much more useful than a selfish dickhead partner who looks like he disengeged from you and ds some time ago. His loss.

I've a feeling you'll feel a whole lot better once you've kicked him to the far side of fuck.

attheendoftheday · 21/03/2014 22:33

Honestly that doesn't sound great at all. I don't think any of the situations you've described would be ok in a healthy relationship.

Have you tried ringing him to clearly say he needs to come home to take care of his son? If you have and he refuses I would have to rethink whether he was interested in being a partner or father.

I am genuinely shocked that he left you after a mc.

Original poster
Babiecakes91 · 21/03/2014 22:49

Any other time he is supportive and he does his fair share but when things like the mc's (unplanned pregnancy's he didn't want them) I grieved and he couldn't understand and wanted me to go out I was dopped up on morphine an cocodamol at the time. He is was an amazing father to my son but since he was diagnosed with autism in January right after my mc he seems to be distancing himself and I'm unsure if it's him upset that our son has autism or if he just doesn't realise how much his behaviour towards me being ill or grieving upsets me a lot.
Sometimes I bring it up and im made to feel like everything is my fault and I know that both of us have a lot to work threw as I'm upset at him a lot for everything that's happened and he's just not getting it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babiecakes91 · 21/03/2014 22:50

My ds doesn't have a social worker as he was diagnosed in January and everything's still a working progress on what professionals will be invoked ATM x

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 22:57

Could it be that your DP is on the Autism spectrum too so he has no concept of how you feel at times like this?

SergeantJarhead · 21/03/2014 23:01

YANBU Op, I just wanted to give you a hug and ask you to seriously consider if your DP is someone you want in the future of you and your lovely DS. Stay strong please Op x

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2014 23:04

Could it be that your DP is on the Autism spectrum too so he has no concept of how you feel at times like this?

Or could he just be an arse?

I'm sorry Babiecakes91, I can't think of one good reason why your P is treating you so badly. It's bad enough that he leaves you alone when you really need him, but he is also keeping you deliberately away from his family.

I think you need to talk to him and see if he sees a future as a family, because he's not acting like he does.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time - have you family or friends who can help you?

NurseyWursey · 21/03/2014 23:06

You poor thing!!

Have you spoken to him about it.. how does he react?

fairylightsintheloft · 21/03/2014 23:07

It shouldn't matter if he can understand her feelings or not - at the most basic level a functioning adult should be able to understand the practicalities of someone who has mobility issues being left alone to cope with any two year old. He NEEDS to be sat down and given a serious list of what you can and can't do and what he therefore needs to do as a resident parent.

AskBasil · 21/03/2014 23:11

He sounds completely selfish and is a bad husband and father. He needs to deal like an adult with the fact that his son has autism, is there any counselling type support available to you as a couple to deal with this?

Original poster
Babiecakes91 · 21/03/2014 23:12

My dp is not autistic he just thinks I over exaggerate things when I don't and doctors know I don't.
I have been thinking the last two months about how our relationship has been and if it could improve, we were actually at our best until I found I was pregnant again at the start of December and now everything's now went array. Dp also took voluntary redundancy in December so a lot happened but I'm not seeing any improvement in our relationship now.
It seems when thing go wrong for us everything goes downhill and it takes months to rebuild but I'm struggling to find a way out of feeling so let down by him, also because I was ill after the mc he made a point of bringing up that I hadn't changed my ds nappy for week because I was in bed. This is true but I was on bed because the mc and also in hospital for two days and he brought it up in a way that made me feel like a bad mother, since he's now unemployed it feels like he's trying to take score on who does what, the only I thing I ask of him is to clean up after himself and play/help with ds, which be the diagnosis he was amazing with now he seems to think its a chore.

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 21/03/2014 23:16

OP I'm sorry he sounds horrible. You need to speak to him, harshly. This isn't on. You deserve so much better and you need more support after al you've been through

defineme · 21/03/2014 23:16

Would your life be easier with or without him?
Would there be less or more stress in your life if you weren't together?

Original poster
Babiecakes91 · 21/03/2014 23:16

It was meant to say before the diagnosis he was amazing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babiecakes91 · 21/03/2014 23:21

Truthfully I don't know what would be better at the moment, I feel if I give up now as it's only been 3 months of this sort of behaviour and just before it we were amazing together that I may regret it. I think tomorrow we may be having a serious conversation of what we both want and need as I can't keep feeling like I'm in limbo, he needs to let me in and know that I need him to understand things about my condition and how it hurts when he just disappears when I need him most to help with our son.

OP posts:
pillowaddict · 22/03/2014 00:13

This has become a safety issue for your dc, and it's no longer just about him not realising you need help. You need o be straight with him and if he doesn't step up you need to make other arrangements, for the sake of you and your dc. I'm so sorry he's not being more supportive.

attheendoftheday · 22/03/2014 00:29

3 months of shitty behaviour is plenty!

If he is struggling with your ds' diagnosis he needs to look at that not withdraw his support. I'm sure you weren't kicking your heels on joy, but I imagine you have continued to love and care for your ds (including not buggering off to a party when he needs you to help with basic needs).

attheendoftheday · 22/03/2014 00:30

*in

tallwivglasses · 22/03/2014 02:15

He's in denial about your ds. It's common. He needs to sort his head out.

007licencetostandonamolehill · 22/03/2014 07:30

If your DS is intentionally not regarding your needs then he has issues to come to terms with. If he has always struggles to see the needs of others, I'd wonder if he had autistic traits himself (on a different part of the spectrum? Aspergers?) Austism is considered to be genetic and does run in families.

007licencetostandonamolehill · 22/03/2014 07:43

people with ASD often struggle with what others think and find reading people tricky. There's less empathy as a result.

007licencetostandonamolehill · 22/03/2014 07:44

your Dh is not being empathic

StrawberryGashes · 22/03/2014 08:39

Could it be that your DP is on the Autism spectrum too so he has no concept of how you feel at times like this?

Or could he just be an arse?

Absolutely! I hate when people read about others being dicks and immediately claim they could have ASD. Not everyone with ASD is an are, my son is the most considerate person you'll ever meet, and so are all of his friends with ASD.

OP your partners actions have been just awful, even if he's struggling to cope with the diagnosis he should not be checking out of the relationship like this. What was your sisters thoughts about it all when he left you and went out drinking with her?

Keep chasing up the SS referral, they need reminding a lot.

StrawberryGashes · 22/03/2014 08:40

**arse

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