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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at dp

41 replies

Babiecakes91 · 21/03/2014 22:20

Me and dp have been together for almost 4 years and have a 2 year old ds with autism.
It seems when I get ill he never seems to be around, I had our first mc in Oct 2011 when my ds was 6 months and he went and played football with his friends 5 hours after I left hospital.
I had our second mc on Hogmanay this year and dp was out drinking.with his friends and my sister and stayed overnight at sisters.
Today I have had problems with my hyper-mobility syndrome and I could barely get down the floor to change ds nappy and lift him into bed dp knew this but decided he was going to a family party, I have no problem with him going to the party but he didn't tell me that ds and I were invited and now he has just called and is staying at his grans 40 miles away from where we live.
I guess I'm just mad that if my hip pain doesn't ease off and ds wakes up tonight or even in the morning I may not be able to carry him back to bed or change him, my ds can't understand any instructions but climbs everything.and I can't take my tramadol as they knock me out which if he was to wake up I wouldn't hear him and he would be up to no good.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babiecakes91 · 22/03/2014 10:25

My sister and him are close friends so she didn't mind but noone knew I had mc'd until the 2nd jan as I didn't want to ruin anyone's new year.
He is going to come home later after football and we are going to chat when ds has a nap, I don't want ds seeing us upset or argue with each other.
I've managed to get my ds ready and he's happy to watch Thomas for a while, I hope he stays in this mood as it should be an easy day if he does.
Hopefully we can have a civil conversation about how we both are feeling as it's went on to long.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 11:26

I hate when people read about others being dicks and immediately claim they could have ASD.

Your son may well be the most considerate person in the world ever. My DDs are both lovely too and they have AS.

I wasn't suggesting that the DH has ASD because he is an unpleasant person. I was asking if it was a possible that his behaviour could be the result of difficulties with theory of mind.

It isn't a great leap of the imagination to think that someone whose behaviour appears to be quite self-centred may have a neurological condition that affects his ability to instinctively see another person's perspective.

There is no harm whatsoever in asking a question that may not have occurred to the OP. She could easily have looked at his behaviour in the light of it and realised that it was indeed what was going on. That new level of understanding could have solved some problems for them both.

She has responded by saying that she doesn't feel his behaviour is the result of ASD and that's fine.

Yes, of course he could be an arse but I think that has probably occurred to the OP already so I didn't feel the need to say it

Crinkle77 · 22/03/2014 11:33

I don't understand why he had to tell you that you were invited to the family party. You are in a relationship and have children together. I would have just assumed that I would be invited or am I wrong?

Original poster

Babiecakes91 · 22/03/2014 12:45

I would have if I had known in advance and his family sometimes don't invite me to things but yesterday I only got told about this party 3 hours before it, he on his way home ds is away for a nap so now for a sit down to talk everything over.

OP posts:

StrawberryGashes · 22/03/2014 15:17

He has been an arse for 3 months and your reaction is to suggest that he has a neurological condition? What other traits are you basing this on? Or is it just the dickish behaviour he has had for the past few months that makes you suggest ASD?

FabBakerGirl · 22/03/2014 15:29

He isn't a partner, is he? Why wouldn't you be invited to a family party? Is it only for their family? Oh, wait....

So, your child is diagnosed with autism and your "partner" starts distancing himself from parenthood.. I would be preparing myself for single parenthood very soon.

I suggest you have a think about whether you have inadvertently had a child with a perpetual teenager who isn't capable of sticking around when things get difficult.

Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 15:36

I don't have a detailed history

I didn't make any claims or judgements. I simply asked a question that I felt could possibly be helpful to the OP.

I think you need to go and find yourself a grip.

StrawberryGashes · 22/03/2014 15:52

No I think it's you that does. You read of a few incidents where the partner was being a dick, with no other mention of other traits or behaviours, and somehow come to the conclusion that it could be due to a neurological disorder...

Foodylicious · 22/03/2014 16:25

Hope you chat goes ok OP

Original poster

Babiecakes91 · 22/03/2014 17:06

Had a long very detailed chat and in his mind everything that's been happening has took a toll on him, he thinks he needs to get a job so he can have a little break now and again from us and I do agree with that as I struggle sometimes with all the therapy's that we go to and all the play therapy's that we do at home with ds.
I have told him that if things don't take a turn for the better then our relationship will end soon and he doesn't want that so is willing to try change his behaviours and I'm willing to change some of mine as I didn't realise that since my ds was diagnosed I have been researching phoning doctors trying to make sure my ds gets the best help available that I haven't stopped and asked how he has been doing with it.
He has apologised for everything after the mc he didn't think that is hurt me as much as it did as I put on a brave face for me ds and because we hadn't planned it.
So I think a lot had came out of today he's actually told me to go rest and I can hear him doing some of the therapy strategies with ds in the living room which is nice to hear.
The family issue with his side has been an ongoing thing since we first started dating they don't like my family and vice versa I would be happy if they could all get along as it seems when ever there is something for my ds when we leave with either side all we hear is "this and that" about the other side and neither side actually understand about ds autism either.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 22/03/2014 17:34

You read of a few incidents where the partner was being a dick, with no other mention of other traits or behaviours

In your opinion, given your knowledge and experience of ASD, the behaviour described couldn't possibly be, even in part, to a lack of theory of mind due to traits of ASD. You are completely entitled to that opinion.

My knowledge and experience of Autism is clearly different which is no surprise given how wide a spectrum it is, and, in my opinion, when someone's behaviour appears to be quite self centred but only in discrete areas, and there is a very strong family history of ASD, i.e. his child, it is worth considering, however briefly, whether traits of ASD are contributing to it.

I posted to be helpful. We are allowed to make suggestions on MN. That's usually why people start threads like this. There is no need to be so aggressive with people who make suggestions that you don't agree with.

StrawberryGashes · 23/03/2014 20:04

That's really good that he apologised and things are starting to improve. The diagnosis process is just awful, but it does get easier.

gold I'm not being aggressive, I'm disagreeing with your suggestion that he may have ASD as your basis for this is in my opinion completely ridiculous, you're basing this on 3 self-centred incidents that have occurred over 4 years, 2 of these incidents happened In the past few months while his son was being diagnosed with a serious condition. As you said, we're allowed to make suggestions on this site and my suggestion is that you're perhaps jumping to huge conclusions based on very little evidence.

FabBakerGirl · 23/03/2014 20:27

So he is sulking because you haven't had the chance to ask him how he feels about your child's diagnosis, what with being busy trying to get him all the help he needs and all that .

Goldmandra · 23/03/2014 21:17

Oh Strawberry pull your head in.

The fact that someone else's experience of ASD might make them have an opinion that differs from yours doesn't make their opinion ridiculous.

It's a wide spectrum and people can present in many and varied ways, not necessarily how your son presents.

I have never said I believe he has ASD and I wasn't under the impression that we had to have irrefutable evidence of something before asking a question about the possibility of it existing on MN.

I'm sorry that you felt so threatened by my question but, without without your kind permission, I will feel free to continue to ask such questions in an effort to help people trying to make sense of the behaviour of their nearest and dearest.

StrawberryGashes · 23/03/2014 21:49

Yes people can present in many ways but a few arsehole behaviours over 4 years does not suggest ASD!

Continue all you want, but bare in mind that suggesting ASD to people after a couple of selfish acts will make you look ridiculous...

Goldmandra · 23/03/2014 21:52

If you say so dear

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