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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be more than annoyed when people inform me my children need a good smack?

606 replies

Slightlyneuroricnat · 20/03/2014 12:02

It really winds me up.
Not so much the oldies who say " in our day I would have a got a whack for that " but people that can see I'm already having a tough time dealing with 2 toddlers, my eldest daughter is going through a phase ( I bloody hope ) of hitting everyone including me and we always have the same conversation, I don't hit you and you must not hit mummy, you've hurt me and now we are going home.
So we had this yesterday in a park and a lady informed me that I was " wishy washy " and what she actually needed was a good smack herself.
Am I being unreasonable to think she is an ignorant fool or am I some kind of martyr as I don't believe in hitting children?

OP posts:
Fefifo · 21/03/2014 00:54

Adults and children are not really the same though are they? Neither are animals and children. Frankly were my husband to attempt to discipline me by an occasional smack on the hand I would be more bemused than anything else.

RandomInternetStranger · 21/03/2014 00:54

Exactly sleep. You can't hit an equally sized, equal strength, physically resilient adult, who probably bloody deserves it a lot of the time, but you can hit someone a third of your size, far more physically vulnerable, who can't fight back, doesn't understand and has absolutely no way of escaping, retaliating or reporting it. Hmmmm. Do an adult can call me a mofocunt and steal my had bag and scare the living hell out of me but I would be arrested and charged with assault if I hit them, but a 3 year old can throw a tantrum over a sweetie and I can hit them with a hand as big as their back, and an arm stronger than their entire body and that's OK? Call me crazy but on what planet does that make sense??

Fefifo · 21/03/2014 01:02

Planet mofocunt?

RandomInternetStranger · 21/03/2014 01:04

Actually a very good name for modern day earth and I may call it that from now on until either it changes and starts making sense or till I can make like a dolphin and swim off singing so long and thanks for the fish.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 21/03/2014 01:09

Did I say I sat back and watched Fefifo? I did not. But I didn't hit her. I don't hit people. I especially don't hit vulnerable old people, regardless of what I've just witnessed them do. I have a voice though, I had plenty to say.

I'm off to bed now. Random, I salute you, but it's far too late/early to play pigeon chess with Fefifo so I bow out and leave you to it.

Over and out.

Original poster
Slightlyneuroricnat · 21/03/2014 05:14

I would just like to thank everyone for their support in that I wasn't wrong to be upset and angry by the woman's comment / interference.
To the few people who have suggested my children are so poorly behaved other people have a reason to give their opinion, bullshit.
Apart from the pushing and hitting that my 3 year old is going through at the moment we have absolutely no other misbehaviours.
Bravo to you if your child at 3 did nothing wrong.
Maybe they were scared of the consequence if they did?
Not something I want my children to be.
We will get there in the end, we will continue to go straight home if any incidents whilst out and "sleep" I'll be investing in a sticker chart today, good pointer cheers for that :)

OP posts:
pixiepotter · 21/03/2014 07:39

I wonder why so many people are saying your DC need a good smack, I've never had that said to me, and I have 5 childen?

Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 07:48

I wonder why so many people are saying your DC need a good smack

How many people have said it?

NewtRipley · 21/03/2014 07:53

Fefo

How patronising (again)

I have teenagers. Strange in your great experience you should assume otherwise.

NewtRipley · 21/03/2014 07:56

Great post Japanese

Branleuse · 21/03/2014 08:02

well you're not actually supposed to smack your children these days, so whatever they think, theyre suggesting something illegal and generally pretty frowned upon.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 21/03/2014 08:06

Being smacked (and the threat of being hit with other objects) as a child has left me with many issues. I was not an abused child, just a child whose parents believed in smacking. It doesn't work or else you'd only ever have to do it once. It has left me with a fear of violence and difficulty in challenging any authority and basically a perfect victim for domestic abuse. This learned behaviour is so ingrained in every part of me that at almost 40 I am only just starting to see the effects this has on me still today. It's a reflex I cannot stop. It's the same level as pitting you hands out when you fall over. This type of control is scary.

Op you are doing great, not all children learn at the same pace she'll get there.

NewtRipley · 21/03/2014 08:13

a teenager, sorry, and a nearly 11 year old

MajorGrinch · 21/03/2014 08:22

My parents think that smacking me did me no harm and I am fine.

And they're right. My kids had the occasional smack when extenuating circumstances required it & we've had no PTSD or uncontrollable rage as a result.

It's up to parents to discipline their children in what ever manner is reasonable, effective & legal whether that be stickers, naughty step or a gentle smack on the hand.

The comparisons to hitting an adult are just hysterical, lazy arguments and irrelevant to the topic being discussed.

But that always happens in discussions about smacking....

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 21/03/2014 08:29

Well fucking bully for you.

Original poster
Slightlyneuroricnat · 21/03/2014 08:35

2 people have said it.
Both times in a park when my 3 year old was screaming as she didn't want to leave.
The first time she hadn't hit me, was just screaming an I carried her out and a lady walking her dog said in my day we would have got a smack for that nonsense, the second time was again, leaving the park but she then went on the slap my leg before I again carried her out of the park.
We are out everyday and see many toddlers and all the toddlers I see tend to have the same screaming / occasional lashing out at either other toddlers or they parents.
It really isn't uncommon.
Maybe your children were exceptionally placid / too scared to step out of line / weren't taken out enough.

OP posts:
drivenfromdistraction · 21/03/2014 08:38

I had 3 children in 4 years and am registered blind, though have a small amount of remaining sight. I never had to resort to smacking in order to be safe around roads. And since I obviously can't drive, we walk a lot.

Like BertieBotts, pushchair for non-sensible DC. I used reins for early walkers. Hand holding or holding on to pram as they got older and more sensible. Absolute firmness and consistency about road safety. Always being calm, aware and in control myself.

Scaring or hurting them with a smack might well be easier. But I really don't think it would be more effective.

diddl · 21/03/2014 08:48

I think you just need to ignore.

As long as you are happy & confident with your parenting, that's all that matters.

ShadowOfTheDay · 21/03/2014 09:09

Maybe your children were exceptionally placid / too scared to step out of line / weren't taken out enough.

does the "maybe" excuse the insult....

no effort was required, or I scared them with my parenting or I was lazy....

Original poster
Slightlyneuroricnat · 21/03/2014 09:26

Well I find it hard to believe from all the people questioning why 2 people have said it have never had / come accross a 3 year old that wasn't happy for a few minutes and reacted in a way many 3 year olds do.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 21/03/2014 09:30

"I wonder why so many people are saying your DC need a good smack,"

Because there are an awful lot of people around who are abusive and rude arseholes?

There's a lot of passive aggressive shit on this thread - it is RUDE to tell someone else what parenting technique they should use, irrespective of how badly their child is behaving (and quite often the child isn't behaving badly, it's just exhibiting a developmentally normal response to frustration that we define as "bad behaviour"). So the implication that the OP's child was behaving really badly, the sneery tone behind that (and the self-righteousness - my children never behave badly because I hit them) is inappropriate and not valid. If you think it's OK to tell a random stranger that they should be using a parenting technique you happen to like, you are very unusual.

ppeatfruit · 21/03/2014 09:35

drivenfrom I totally agree Grin

To go back to basics; there are a lot of adults who ignore the fact that children don't come into the world like mini adults ! It's as if there have never been any child psychologists.

To smack a child for being a child is ridiculous and it won't work because part of having a brain that's not fully developed includes forgetting consequences and getting excited about things (it's not bloody mindedness).

fefo you obviously love and care for your dcs but maybe your expectations are too high. Get some books on child development and you could change your parenting techniques for the better.

Goldmandra · 21/03/2014 09:38

And they're right.

Well that's a stunning piece of arrogance, even for MN!

You are wrong in your assertion that my parents are right and you may very well find out in later life that you are wrong about your own children too. However, my guess is that even if they try to tell you, you will simply inform them that they are wrong too.

MajorGrinch · 21/03/2014 09:48

Well that's a stunning piece of arrogance, even for MN! - OK, the intention was misread there.

I was quoting that as if I was saying it (as had other people that were agreeing with you)- being smacked made no difference to me and my parents were right about that...

I didn't intend it to say that it hadn't affected you....

Everyone is different. But I do wonder if people that don't smack are more likely to make snidey PA comments like "my guess is that even if they try to tell you, you will simply inform them that they are wrong too.".

I'd rather have a smack on the bum than listen to bullshit like that TBH....

Spero · 21/03/2014 09:54

Its not about 'not causing scars' as far as I know it is unlawful to cause 'reddening of the skin' but I am not 100% sure about that and haven't checked.

But what is all this nonsense about a 'gentle slap on the hand'.

if its 'gentle' whats the point? Surely that is just the physical equivalent of the whiney 'please don't hit mummy!'.

If you are not hitting hard enough to hurt, it seems utterly pointless.

and if you are hitting hard enough to hurt, you have to accept that you are choosing to hit a small child.

Are you controlled enough to make sure you don't hit the head or the face?
And if you are controlled enough, don't you find that a bit weird? Controlled enough to deliberate where you hit a child?

I don't give a shit if some posters were beaten up every day by their parents and 'it never did them any harm'.

I have enough clients to pay my mortgage to show me what nonsense that is.