to dislike people just "dropping in"?

[Hadagutsful]

It's probably just me being antisocial. I have some friends who repeatedly "drop in" with no prior warning. I'm not particularly house proud and they wouldn't judge me for the house being less than showhome standards anyway. But I really don't like it when they call in and then end up staying for an hour and a half chatting and eating all my biscuits with the assumption that if I'm home, it's ok for them to do so. I don't feel it's ok to not let them in. I'm not really looking for solutions, just wondering if I'm being grumpy and antisocial.

I used to love it. 30 years ago everyones doors were open. We all had young kids, shared care when working (no money changed hands, ever), chats, coffee, kids playing, it was great.

Now I have moved to gentle perthshire, it doesn't seem the done thing. I am not sure its north/south or a generation thing. I don't think it happens where I was anymore either.

Perhaps much of it is to do with the pressures which now exist. Mothers are so time pressured nowadays, that I can understand resenting interruption.

Back in the days when mine were small, very few of my peer group were working mothers (patently pre TV and horseless carriages )
It just wasn't the done thing in the late seventies and early eighties (there was a thread discussing it, recently) and as a SAHM in those days* there were far fewer groups at which to meet with people so friends tended to socialise their children by getting together and supervising play over the rim of a coffee cup.

I am NOT opening the endless debate about working or not working .... merely saying that views may reflect differing lifestyles as much as personality.

bolding error ..... SAHM bold was unintended!

I loathe droppers-in. If I am not expecting anyone, I usually just ignore the bell. I enjoy having friends for coffee and a chat but at a pre-arranged time so that I can also have an exit strategy ready if they stay too long. Sounds anti-social, I know, but I have very little time at home and I hate that being disturbed by unannounced visitors.

Is it a North/South thing? If I go round and see relatives I'd just let myself in through an open door / go round into the garden and shout.

Anyway, as other people have said, you welcome them in with open arms, say how pleased you are to see them, say that you've got a lot on that day but it's wonderful to have the excuse to stop for a cup of tea, sit down around the table, have a cup of tea and a biscuit, and then say 'oh, it's been so lovely seeing you but I really have to get on'.

I hate it, if people would like to call in they should call or text first to see if it's an appropriate time. It's always those who don't who also ignore that I'm obviously busy, they're also the ones who never leave. For those reasons I don't answer the door to unexpected callers.

i like dropper inners, although having said that my neighbours dh once came round my back passage (i.e. side path, not the other). my door is locked though always. and i can, as micky flanagan said, become the peeper and not the peepee as i nosey out of my bedroom window to see who's rat tatting before i let them know i;m in.

wowee, not a whole lot of live for the droppers-in! I don't count close family: DM, DF and DSis always welcome. Even my ILs wouldn't bother me much but they never do. It's just the random friends, and I really would just like a ten minute warning otherwise it's like someone (sorry can't recall who now!) said upthread: if they just turn up it's like they're expecting you to drop any plans you may have had. OK I never have plans but still

I don't understand OP, how are people "just dropping in" if you don't want them to? Do you leave your front door unlocked, I know some people do?

I just don't answer the door if anyone knocks unexpectedly. Can you not do this?

I don't give a shit if they know I am in, they have not been invited and I am not up for visitors so the doorknocking is not responded to.

It's family that does this to me, and it drives me crazy! They just turn up with no warning. I could be doing anything like watching tv in my pyjamas I live in a ground floor flat too, so it's always obvious when I'm in.

homeworld still don't let them in!!! I have ignored family who can see I am in.

Honestly, you do not have to let them in. They will go away eventually, and hopefully won't make the same mistake again

hampton - wondering how you handle the fall-out from people you care about feeling upset and offended because they have been cold shouldered in such a blatant way?

I am genuinely not starting an argument (each to their own ) but interested in the effect of 'rejection' (for want of a better word) on family dynamic.

I used to hate it but now I don't mind at all mostly. My house is generally tidier these days.

Fair question redirected. Nobody in my family would do it as they would know not to. I am very vocal about not liking people dropping in. If a member of my family or close friend group showed up like this I would know someone had died or similar.

It was usually the ILS ( PILS/SILS/Acronym for aunties in law?) that did this, so if there was any fallout, it wasn't directed at me if you see what I mean?

Quite possibly they would complain to XH that "I popped round and Hampton was clearly there but didn't let me in" but none of the fallout ever reached my ears so it wasn't really an issue for me. I guess XH knew that I didn't like impromptu visitors and that raising it as a criticism would be pointless. If there were complaints maybe he just told them my views and that was the end of it?

I do remember one auntie in law complaining to me about it and I just said, "Oh yes, well I had the new baby didn't I?" and trailed off leaving it like that.

I do agree that you have to truly be of the "couldn't give a fuck about the fallout" mindset though.

I am single now but still if anyone showed up like that and I accidentally opened the door, I would have no problem saying "Sorry, it's not convenient for me to have visitors right now." I think it is about having healthy boundaries to be honest. I was not allowed boundaries growing up (narc mother) so now I am free of all that I guess I relish the fact I can actually have and enforce boundaries.

YABU! People dropping in is great as long as I get 20mins warning to clean the house

I hate it. It was something that my family never did.

Unfortunately, DPs family have always done it & we live in their area & there is fucking LOADS of them. So I don't have a choice in the matter.

Wanda why don't you have a choice? What would happen if you just didn't answer the door? Maybe if you did this they would stop just popping in?

If DH is in when they call round, and lets then in, pop out on some urgent errand and let him deal with them if it annoys you.

I hate people dropping in! My friends know to call first. If you don't call, I won't answer the door.

It really messes with my anxiety.

We run an open door policy and our house is rarely empty.

I suppose it's just that people are different.

I want my house to be like that caruthers, and hope in the future I can get to that, but right now it makes me feel sick.

Hate it!

Luckily (or unluckily, I'm not sure!) the only people who ever do this are PIL and BIL. They also do it at the most inconvenient time, like when DH is having his breakfast before going onto nights & is trying to spend 5 minutes with DD - the only time they'll see each other for that week. They know this, and yet they still come round.

YANBU. we live in my dps parents house and I think all through the years they lived here it has an open door policy.

now we live here I tend to lock it, when I don't people mainly dps parents knock and let themselves in.

it is so irratating, once dp's mate did it, I was in my scruffs cleaning the oven.

we also have a shower downstairs and the amount of times I've had to leg it upstairs because of random guests.

I now lock that door.

YANBU. Hate hate hate it.

hampton - that makes a lot of sense!
I also had a narc mother (see first post here) but with different spin which makes it really healthy for me to have developed the stance of "my home is an open book - come in at any time, because this is the reality".
It must make it easier if someone else deals with the fallout.

It took several years to teach DSIL not to knock at my door (he counts as one of my children, and I would be mortified it they ever felt they had to knock at my door!) He could not be more welcoming to their home, and we get on very well, but I do always text before calling in - just in case drop-in might bother him.

On a 'who respects whose attitudes' basis, do "walls" trump no (or low) walls?

Actually, I think they must because those who don't mind droppers in don't usually mind pre-visit checks either - whereas it seems the "by arrangement only" people have very strong views.

It is interesting how our childhoods affect so much of our adult lives isn't it?

I was forced to share a bedroom with my mother ( we had a spare bedroom but she filled it with crap and made me sleep in her room) and I was allowed no physical or emotional boundaries. She dumped all her adult worries on me from the age of about 5. I wasn't even allowed to lock the bathroom door, no matter what I was doing. Even if we had visitors they would be allowed to wander in and use the loo whilst I was in the bath!! Sorry if I am getting a bit Stately Homes...

Maybe that goes some way to explaining why I now guard my home space very vigilantly. I don't really like entertaining much. I will occasionally invite my closest friends to come round (people I have been close to for over 30 years) but even then there is an element of me forcing myself to do it as it makes me very anxious.

So, although I totally understand that some people love having a houseful of people, for me it would be an absolute nightmare.