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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dislike people just "dropping in"?

104 replies

Hadagutsful · 19/03/2014 14:41

It's probably just me being antisocial. I have some friends who repeatedly "drop in" with no prior warning. I'm not particularly house proud and they wouldn't judge me for the house being less than showhome standards anyway. But I really don't like it when they call in and then end up staying for an hour and a half chatting and eating all my biscuits with the assumption that if I'm home, it's ok for them to do so. I don't feel it's ok to not let them in. I'm not really looking for solutions, just wondering if I'm being grumpy and antisocial.

OP posts:

ladymariner · 20/03/2014 07:08

coralanne if you do start an AIBU about it, then the answer is a resounding NOOOO, YADNBU!!!!

Is she as vile to you as she is to her own mother then? It must be really hard, especially when they're living with you, to keep calm and remain civil.....I dread this scenario with my ds!

StealthPolarBear · 20/03/2014 07:09

How do you tell someone they need to leave after half an hour? I can't imagine how thag conversation would go

WitchWay · 20/03/2014 07:15

I have a couple of friends who I'd be happy to have dropping in unexpectedly, but they don't - they always ring/text & ask & I do the same.

If my mum lived near enough, she'd be round all the time.

My ILs once dropped in on a Sunday afternoon & caught us in bed! We'd been married for about six weeks. They were really embarrassed & drove off They'd missed all the fun, we were just slobbing about in dressing-gowns - not sure why we answered the door really. Never did it again.

Delphiniumsblue · 20/03/2014 07:16

If you want them to go after half an hour you just explain politely, 'lovely to see you but sorry you now have to ...................'

Late · 20/03/2014 07:23

My house is never ready for dropper inners but anyone who does is very welcome because they are friendly friends and appointments are a pain as on the day something else may come up which makes things awkward. Love surprises happy ones that is !

Emilycee · 20/03/2014 07:36

Grew up ooop norf where everyone was always dropping in so when I moved south I found a huge difference in that everyone seemed to make an appointment just to pop to each others houses for a cuppa and a natter.

Now I live in the Midlands and am about to have our first baby I am more on the not liking people dropping in side of the fence - especially as when we first moved in together my pil both used to just walk into the house! After being 'caught' in my pj's one sat morning after working all week at 10am eating breakfast minding my own business in my house by my fil who wandered in without knocking or ringing 'not getting up today then?!'

Ignorant twat.

I've locked the door ever since, even though that was approx 2 years ago, he still turns up at random times of day, leaning on the door bell and trying the handle to see if open! If I don' t answer he will go around the back and we have glass conservatory/windows where I like to sit in the day (whilst on mat leave and hope to when baby comes) and he can see I am there. FFS!!

Thing is I feel a bit guilty ignoring him so always end up making him a cuppa! (Will have to get a lock on the side gate before baby comes!)

Germgirl · 20/03/2014 08:07

My MIL 'drops in'. Worse, she has her own key so often the first I know about it is her cheery 'helloooo!!' I work shifts & am often in bed/on the sofa in my pyjamas/wandering about in my dressing gown when she arrives.
She doesn't seem to understand hints (me saying 'well, I need to sleep, night shift tonight'/yawning & stretching etc) & just sits in the kitchen withering away.
I don't really know how to tell her to go away
She turned up 3 hours before I was due to go to work for a night shift once. I was desperately trying to sleep & was a bit short with her. She sniffily mentioned to DH that I had been very grumpy, he did tell her to phone or text before coming round in future but she won't.
Still, she does do all our ironing so I forgive her a lot of things

ladymariner · 20/03/2014 08:21

germgirl it sounds as if you have a pretty good relationship with MIL so just be honest, tell her exactly what you've put here. If she really is a nice person then she will understand and if she gets the hump, well that's her problem and it will save you this hassle!!

coralanne · 20/03/2014 11:50

ladymariner she's not quite as bad with me as she is with her Mother. Mainly because when she started to "declutter" my home I told her that I would be the one who decided if my life belonged in a skip bin not her.

I think she is basically a bully and when people stand up to her she backs down a little big.

(Sorry for hijacking the thread).

I was just totally stunned to hear her speaking to her Mother that way.

coralanne · 20/03/2014 11:52

Backs down a little BIT

Redirected · 20/03/2014 12:06

I grew up in a home where appointments were made to meet for afternoon tea, or morning coffee - the houses would be thoroughly dusted, clothes changed, and cakes baked, for the arrival - with critical judgements passed by the 'circle' on those who were not up to scratch.

Probably as a result of that learning curve, I love good friends or family dropping in! The kettle is always on, there is usually a biscuit in the tin and people "take you as they find you". It is relaxed, easy going, friendship.
When the children were small, and we had close friends living locally, "dropping in for coffee" often ended up as an all day event with all the children being fed & bathed together before rolling home in borrowed pj's.

I know its not everyone's style, but I actually hate the pressure of having to formally invite people just for an hour or so of chat. It is enough effort making sure everything is 'just so' when people have to be invited - for full day or weekend visits.

MizTiggle · 20/03/2014 12:09

I hate it too. I live upstairs with my door downstairs so can get away with ignoring people If you're truly my friend, you know I don't like it! Bugger off!

MizTiggle · 20/03/2014 12:09

(Unless you have wine. Then you are welcome)

Germgirl · 20/03/2014 12:12

Ladymariner I generally get on ok with my mil although I'll never be in favour as much as DHs ExW because she gave her a granddaughter and I haven't. She's very involved in our lives via my DSD and I think she's a bit miffed that she used to be able to just wander into the house any time when ExW was here but now I've asked DH to ask her to let me know if she's coming round. About 50% of the time she texts me (or more bizarrely texts DH who then has to call me) before she comes round but the other 50% just walks in. I do tend to keep the door chain on these days :)
I couldn't say anything to her about it though! I'd get a proper cats arse face & a 'well I'm sorry I'm sure!!'

Tinkerisdead · 20/03/2014 12:13

Ooooh i hate this too. I used to live in the same town as my inlaws and they were forever dropping by and letting themselves in. When I first moved in with Dh his mum had a key and was always strolling in. Then we moved and i didnt give them a key to the new house but they'd go through the garden and appear with their faces pressed up against the patio doors.

FIL still turns up out of the blue and he lives an hour away it really grates on me because to me its saying"drop all your plans for me!"

I think its a north/south thing because in DH's town everyone seems to drop in and they ALL go round the back or side doors which are open. My family would have a heart attack if i strolled willy nilly through their back door. My dh's aunt, we see her once a year, and suddenly there she is in my kitchen having turned up and let herself in.

Im moving again tomorrow and the new house has a roller shutter on the front of the side carport and i did a little whoop that dropper inners will be barricaded out!

They also invite themselves on my holidays but thats another thread!

Redirected · 20/03/2014 12:13

How do you tell someone they need to leave after half an hour? I can't imagine how that conversation would go

....remarkably easily
You just start by always being honest. "Brilliant to see you. I've just put the kettle on, but it will have to be a quick one because I am ........."
At the end of 30 minutes, you stand up and say, I am really sorry to cut this short but as I said I need to ...."
Sometimes followed up with.... "I might pop in to see you on Mon though, if you are about?"

I do wonder why people tie themselves in such knots about just being truthful, and pleasant.

coralanne · 20/03/2014 12:13

Redirected sounds wonderful

That's exactly how it was in my home. Sometimes the visiting DC just went to sleep in a spare bed and were picked up the next day.

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 20/03/2014 12:17

I hate hate hate it. Mil is chief culprit. One day I will spend a week surveying her movements undercover and leap out shouting Go, go, go! with a 'Pop in' raid just as she steps out of the shower, or is knee deep in some sort of domestic mess/drama and see how she likes it.

Redirected · 20/03/2014 12:17

frequent scenario!! usually the result of pleading children

darksideofthemooncup · 20/03/2014 12:24

I hate it. When I first met my Dh he would leave his front door unlocked and people would just blatantly wander into the house without so much as ringing the doorbell. Even the pizza delivery guy would just stroll in and plonk himself down and have a chat for 10 minutes. It is testament to my Dh that he was lovely and relaxed about stuff but I was constantly rendered speechless by the sheer cheek of it.

princessalbert · 20/03/2014 12:25

I hate it too.

Just because I am in the house, doesn't mean I am not busy, or willng to make small talk.

I love a peaceful afternoon nap.

I also rarely answer the landline, especially if it rings whilst we are eating/watching a tv show/shagging.

If it is so important send me a text.

darksideofthemooncup · 20/03/2014 12:33

I also hate it when you arrange a visit, turn up and the person isn't home. I had a friend who would constantly do this, the amount of times I sat on her doorstep waiting for her as she had decided to 'pop out' around the time we had arranged to meet.

She is a very good friend in many other respects but she can be shockingly un-self aware when it comes to things like that.

GingerMaman · 20/03/2014 12:38

Yanbu. People should at least give a days warning unless they are very very close to you

bochead · 20/03/2014 12:40

I used to loathe it, simply because my living room was where I slept. (One bed flat and DS had the bedroom as is only right).

Total panic stations in case I'd left something girly, personal and private on full display before I could answer the door.

Now I have the luxury of my own bedroom again, it really doesn't bother me. Come on in, but you'll have to take us as you find us, so if that means DS has his electronics set out all over the living room floor, or I'm just about to do the washing up TOUGH!

mum56789 · 20/03/2014 12:41

I hate it. There are always pants lying on the bathroom floor here or a sock on the sofa. I much prefer some warning.

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