AIBU to be really upset that Grandparents are moving to be near favourite grandchildren

[betty10k]

This might be a long one....
We're very lucky that our in laws live nearby and have my son (19 months) one day a week and the rest of the week he goes to nursery as we both have to work full time to pay the bills. I miss him immensely and wish i didn't have to work 5 days a week and commute but i do. It was softened by the fact that he was with his grandparents once a week and they love having him - always said it was the highlight of their week. He is close to them and i feel so grateful that he has a close relationship with them. Way back when we started talking about having a family they always said they wanted to have him/her once a week, there were ideas about him going to the local primary school which is walking distance from their house and him going back to theirs everyday for his tea. All dreams and all far off i know but my parents moved abroad when i was young so all this was important to me. I'm also an only child so this is probably where some of this unreasonableness and lack of understanding is coming from....?

Everything changed last year when my brother and sister in law + 3 grandchildren (all over 10) moved to the other end of the country (4hours away). Grandparents were distraught and slowly but surely they started dropping the days they could do so they could go up there and see them and stay there. They have a holiday cottage where they can stay. (This obviously was a bit of a pain as we've had to use up our holiday to look after him when they've not been able to) So i suppose you could say he would be better off in nursery all week. But it's just not what we wanted and nor can we afford it.

They got back from 2 weeks staying with brother in law on Sunday. My husband dropped my little boy off at his grandparents this morning as usual and they announced they wanted to move to be near them (4hours away) and would be selling up and obviously wouldn't be able to have our son anymore. Husband is upset but like most blokes probably won't say anything. Although he did say he's not surprised and he always comes last anyway and no'one in his family tells him anything so from this i take it that he clearly does care. Grandparents whole family live in the same area so they won't just be leaving us.

I've now gone from angry to upset. I never thought they'd actually go as when mentioned before they said they wouldn't because we needed them. This is true. But more than anything i'm upset for my son because like my husband he's been put last by them and he adores them. I've got to see them tonight and i don't want to (sounds pathetic i know but i don't deal with confrontation well and will probably cry) What do i do or say? Tell the truth or just let the resentment simmer?

The relationship we have with them will be so different. We don't have much spare time, husband is self employed trying to grow his business and works 6-7 days a week so we will only be able to visit them twice a year at most. We have a small cottage with not much room for visitors whereas they can go and stay with brother in law whenever they like in the holiday cottage they have. Their kids are all over 10 ours isn't yet 2 and hopefully one day we will be able to afford to have another one so i thought they'd want to be here to see them grow up and be a part of that. But i can understand that brother in law's family have more time for them as sister in law doesn't work so life is one long party - family dinners every week etc. (trying not to sound jealous but i am - i'd love to be able to look after my child myself and not work!)

So a very long rambling AIBU which isn't written very well. Can someone give me some advice without making me cry please.

It sounds like your BIL lives in a much nicer area. The area might offer parents more of the life style they want in retirement. The cheaper house prices would also tempt me. Have your IL's always lived in your town? Maybe they needed a change? It's really normal for people to move for retirement/jobs/life style etc. Its part of life really. I know it's sad for you and DH but you are both grown adults and moving isn't about him being bottom of the pile.

I can see you are hurt about them seeming to chose one child over the other, but to be honest, your OP does seem to focus quite a lot on the childcare you'll lose, and your ideas for future childcare, and I wonder how much that difficulty is colouring your overall view of the situation.

You've had 2 years of really good support from them, so it's not as though they aren't interested in you or your child. It just sounds as though they've made a choice based on preferring the other area and it being better for them financially, as well as having a child living there.

I think there can be a risk of viewing grandparents as an extension to the family, rather than a family in their own right. They will hopefully have many years to enjoy their retirement and their lives, and they have to make choices that make them the happiest they can be.

I agree with kungfu. Yes it's sad for you they are moving but they're still young and active and their life is their own. My parents have never tried emotionally blackmailing me about my house moves (even when I moved to the other side of the world for a while) and I wouldn't interfere in their choices.
Your commute sounds mad so I think looking at alternative jobs or moving nearer your job sounds sensible but I'd just be glad you've had the help for a few years.
If my dad was choosing a nice location I suspect he'd go to my brothers and I wouldn't blame him. They also have the most kids. His own interests keep him where he is though and I'm pleased he still has his own interests and his life doesn't revolve around us. He is a person in his own right not just "dad" and "grandad".

YNBU. I hate people who play favourites. Funnily enough that's why I keep my respectable distance between certain family members that do this. My advice? Never let it simmer. It will eat you up if you do. You can be constructive without being confrontational but they certainly need to be told how upset this has made you. Big difference between moving 30min away and 4hours away.

Really? The grandparents don't sound like they're trying on petty games here and a house/lifestyle change at their age is far too serious to base it on playing favourites. Perhaps they just felt it's a good time to sell up and pocket the savings for their retirement whilst they're still reasonably fit and active. Yes, there's a big difference between 30 minutes and 4 hours away but what would be the point of the first?

Mimishimi believe me. As someone who has witnessed this In the family you'd be suprised. I'm not going into detail of our situation as I know some are MNers and would out them and myself but certain parents have behaved appallingly. From what I gather from the OP they are specifically moving to be near the other family are they not? To me. That's playing favourites. OP is upset that (disregarding the childcare element) that Ds is not going to see as much of his GPs as he usually does. She needs to tell them this because otherwise it will bother her. It won't change the situation but at least she won't be going around in an "wish I'd have said this/done this" manner for the next few weeks until things have settled Down. I know as we are currently dealing with a similar fall out after everyone was too polite to the culprits in our family and has left very upset people behind.

So relatives should never move but should stay put or move further away from their kids rather than moving nearer any of them because to do so is to "play favourites"? What nonsense. People are increasingly mobile. if you have more than 1 child you can't live near all of them and if 1 relative moves somewhere nice and another relatives chooses to follow them I think it's very churlish of other relatives to complain and try and control this.
Live your own life and stop trying to control other people, and accept that when you are retired you may have alot more flexibility about where you live than when you are working.

culprits in our family

Culprits?? A house/life moves seems a pretty huge step to take just to get at someone in your family!

OP has already said she understands her IL's reasons for moving.

Perhaps they should move dead centre between both their dc? But I suspect OP and her dh would still be upset. And it's fine to be upset and miss them. Once you don't expect it to influence their choice!

Walter like I said. I'm talking about our situation specifically and I'm not prepared to go into further detail. If you knew. You would think the same.

Is there any way you could use this as a kick-start to alter your work/life balance op? It seems to me, from your posts, that your hours of work are making you unhappy and magnifying how you feel about your pil's move.

A 1hr 45min commute sounds horrendous in itself. Could you downsize? Reduce your hours? Relocate?

So SIL has her mum round the corner and now she will have her PILs too? While op and her dh will be working full time with no family support or help in emergencies. I would be devastated too tbh op.

I've always been close to my MIL so when my mum passed away we moved house to be near to her. We are so grateful for all the help she gives us. Although it isnt much in actual hours of childcare etc, knowing she is up the road if we need her in an emergency is a real weight off our shoulders as parents.

Its hard to explain but when a parent dies or moves far away you lose the sense of reassurance that comes from knowing they are close and have your back and will help you out. I dont ask MIL for much but its knowing I have someone I could ask if I needed to that is so important.

Sorry I cant offer you any proper advice op but I think your feelings are natural and completely understandable.

Walter like I said. I'm talking about our situation specifically and I'm not prepared to go into further detail. If you knew. You would think the same

Well, that's fair enough but not really comparable to betty's situation!

"GP's said it wasn't about moving to be near BIL & SIL"
Bollocks, of course it is! Claiming that it isn't is plain disrespectful to their less-favoured son and his wife (OP). Behaving as if they'll believe any old like they care to spin.

Yes they have always lived here and we grew up here, we live in the country - both in neighbouring villages. We are always the 1st to drop dc off and last to collect so haven't really met any other mum's at the nursery. I'll come up with a plan by the time this all happens though.

The commute/job situation is the best it will ever get.

Sil has her mum, brother, sister nearby + will have in laws too. Clearly it's the place to be.

I'm not wanting to influence their decision by telling them how upset I am, to be honest I couldn't cope with the guilt if that were to be the case.

Sorry replying on my phone so a bit of a disjointed msg.

I'm sorry that you will miss your ILs and that your DS won't see them as much as you'd like.

Another consideration is that (I assume) your ILs are seeing (as DH & I are seeing) that we are getting older and need to take into consideration where we will want to be when the time comes that we will need extra help, ourselves. Perhaps the move closer to B/SiL is because they either see their area as more 'senior-friendly' or because they feel that B/Sil are in a better position to assist them, when/if the time comes.

OP... Is there any possibility that you and your family could/would also move to be near your PILs and SIL, etc? Possibly a daft question but it would really solve the problem for you, wouldn't it?

Your PILs have said they can help a little when they sell their house - that might make it doable for you.

Sounds like they are being quite sensible, as they get older they themselves will need more support, any you yourself have set out why you and your husband are too time poor to be able to do that.

where as But i can understand that brother in law's family have more time for them as sister in law doesn't work so life is one long party

Could you have a change of life style and work so as to be able to spend more time at home.

I work to pay the bills we don't have much spare money after they've been paid so the only lifestyle change would be a house too small for us so we will continue the way we are. I'm not complaining we're very lucky to have what we do have. I hope that one day I can work less and spend more time with my dc but we will have to see how things are in the future.

No we wouldn't move my husbands business Is here and I don't want to follow them we just need to find our feet once they move and forge a future without them here.

Betty no not telling you to tell them how upset you are in the hope it will influence them. Just so it doesn't Eat you up is what I was trying to say. We are dealing with something very similar at the moment. The fall out is massive and we are the ones left picking up the pieces. At the end of the day whatever reason they are doing it for OP just focus on you and your little family and make the best of this situation in a dignified way. Which is what you appear to be doing anyway. .

Ah, ok. Tough situation if you really can't cut back on work then. Perhaps focus your energy on building up a close network of friends you can rely on instead.

Lots of people have family close but they are no help anyway. At least you can choose your friends! And when your dc is older you will have a lovely place to send him while you and dh have a bit of time together!

The good news is, about being further away, is that you can be more independent. Can be quite liberating, honestly. Less comments about the way you parent / run your lives and then when you see them it can be a real fun celebration. Less of a working relationship, more of a fun one. High days and holidays!

So there's a good chance BiL's family moved because they wanted to be close to SiL's family, not because living close to family is not important to them. Perhaps you should move your son's nursery to one closer to your work so there isn't the stress of trying to pick him up on time and you get time together on the trip home? Or you could hire an au pair to do nursery drop offs/pickups /emergencies (obviously not full-time care with the hours you are working).

OP, you are not being unreasonable, I would be devastated too. My family is all abroad but we do get a lot of help from my ILs at the moment. They are hinting about moving away, which of course they are entitled to, but I already feel sad as they would miss out on a lovely close relationship with their grandchildren (most likely the only ones they'll ever have).

I know that a lot of MNtters say that any help is a bonus, but am I wrong to think that their (ILs) generation were getting a lot of help themselves from parents and inlaws when they were bringing kids up?
My ILs certainly had benefitted from both sets of parents living close by. This for example involved leaving my DH and his brother in family care to go on 2 week holiday abroad. Something I would never dream of asking ILs to do. The family was close and they would all babysit/help each other. There weren't such huge financial pressures morgage wise, as it was possible to pay off a mortgage on one salary as well.

Where I come from, grandparents do usually help a lot (with their time) and are involved in bringing up grandkids. over here, it seems to be a very special bonus...

YANBU to be upset even if it does sound a bit entitled!

Neither parents nor PIL live near us so they don't have much of a bond with our son unlike with other grandchildren (they either live v nearby or the mum doesn't work so they can go to stay for weeks at a time). My son is still too young to remember them so there's no bond the other way either.

Try to be grateful that at least you have established that bond for years to come.