AIBU to be really upset that Grandparents are moving to be near favourite grandchildren

[betty10k]

This might be a long one....
We're very lucky that our in laws live nearby and have my son (19 months) one day a week and the rest of the week he goes to nursery as we both have to work full time to pay the bills. I miss him immensely and wish i didn't have to work 5 days a week and commute but i do. It was softened by the fact that he was with his grandparents once a week and they love having him - always said it was the highlight of their week. He is close to them and i feel so grateful that he has a close relationship with them. Way back when we started talking about having a family they always said they wanted to have him/her once a week, there were ideas about him going to the local primary school which is walking distance from their house and him going back to theirs everyday for his tea. All dreams and all far off i know but my parents moved abroad when i was young so all this was important to me. I'm also an only child so this is probably where some of this unreasonableness and lack of understanding is coming from....?

Everything changed last year when my brother and sister in law + 3 grandchildren (all over 10) moved to the other end of the country (4hours away). Grandparents were distraught and slowly but surely they started dropping the days they could do so they could go up there and see them and stay there. They have a holiday cottage where they can stay. (This obviously was a bit of a pain as we've had to use up our holiday to look after him when they've not been able to) So i suppose you could say he would be better off in nursery all week. But it's just not what we wanted and nor can we afford it.

They got back from 2 weeks staying with brother in law on Sunday. My husband dropped my little boy off at his grandparents this morning as usual and they announced they wanted to move to be near them (4hours away) and would be selling up and obviously wouldn't be able to have our son anymore. Husband is upset but like most blokes probably won't say anything. Although he did say he's not surprised and he always comes last anyway and no'one in his family tells him anything so from this i take it that he clearly does care. Grandparents whole family live in the same area so they won't just be leaving us.

I've now gone from angry to upset. I never thought they'd actually go as when mentioned before they said they wouldn't because we needed them. This is true. But more than anything i'm upset for my son because like my husband he's been put last by them and he adores them. I've got to see them tonight and i don't want to (sounds pathetic i know but i don't deal with confrontation well and will probably cry) What do i do or say? Tell the truth or just let the resentment simmer?

The relationship we have with them will be so different. We don't have much spare time, husband is self employed trying to grow his business and works 6-7 days a week so we will only be able to visit them twice a year at most. We have a small cottage with not much room for visitors whereas they can go and stay with brother in law whenever they like in the holiday cottage they have. Their kids are all over 10 ours isn't yet 2 and hopefully one day we will be able to afford to have another one so i thought they'd want to be here to see them grow up and be a part of that. But i can understand that brother in law's family have more time for them as sister in law doesn't work so life is one long party - family dinners every week etc. (trying not to sound jealous but i am - i'd love to be able to look after my child myself and not work!)

So a very long rambling AIBU which isn't written very well. Can someone give me some advice without making me cry please.

It sounds like you've handled that conversation with dignity and aplomb. Well done, OP.

I wish I could be as magnanimous as you, op.

I still feel really bitter about i-laws proposed move. I don't think it shows though. Well..maybe.

It sounds like you really did well. Im glad your relationship with your sis-ilaw is good too. That will make a difference, I'm sure.

I am glad you told your MIL how you feel. Good luck. It is a hard situation.

JohnFarleysRuskin - i think there will be times when i feel a bit hurt about it especially as our lives will be harder without their love and support always being just around the corner. They are really family focused - will drop anything for us if we need them, by which i mean dc emergencies (my husband and i both work quite far away from home/dc's nursery). We've been lucky to have that so not having it will take some adapting.....

MIL found it hard that i was so upset about it but said she was glad we could all be honest + i'm not known for my emotional outbursts so i feel it has made us a bit closer them knowing how i feel about them and all they do for us.

amicissimma - you're right it's the right thing for them. We just wish things were different and we could give them more time - i've bought an extra lottery ticket today - fingers crossed!

I'm glad you talked, betty.

I hope they reassured you that it's not necessarily favouritism

Yes they did reassure me of that - i guess when you look at the situation from the outside it appears that it's favouritism and a small part of me will still think that but their other reasons all make sense (even if i wish they didn't) - if i knew how to put a smiley face here i would)

Well I think you've handled it really well. It's only natural that you would be upset!

she feels very torn but they explained the whole situation and i do now understand

so, what is the ''situation'', OP. If you don't mind me asking? What did she say?

Hi Betty

A similar thing happened to me but the other way round - we moved from London to the NW and my DPs have followed. My DBro and SIL have decided to go NC with all of us last spring and also our extended family including cousins and aunts and uncles, one of whom is currently suffering from inoperable pancreatic cancer. He's even ignored the birth of my DD a year ago.

It's a very long story but while we all accept he's got a right to be upset, going NC, after many discussions and explanations of why my DPs moved, is a bit much.

I'm glad you were able talk about it with your PILs. Please don't take it as a rejection - there will have been many reasons for the move and I agree with previous posters that you will get some lovely quality time with them as will your DC in the future. Unfortunately this is something my niece and nephew are missing out on because of my DBro's decision :(

JohnFarleysRuskin I've just found your thread and read it all - you're right we do seem to have a similar situation. My dh is certainly like yours - won't say anything to them about it even though he's upset. How are you coping? Did you talk to them? What did they say?

Your comment - Unfortunately, I'm the 'take a deep breath and resent forever' type. Sigh. - this is a little like how i'm feeling now. Calm but resentful. Tearful whenever i think about it too much - it's made me feel differently about my job i don't feel so happy working so far away from home/dc now i don't have them nearby. (my commute is 1hour 45mins) But i don't think there is anything i can do about this as i can't earn enough to pay bills/childcare by working closer and can't afford nursery nearer to my work and that's not practical anyway. Where i've got to is i really wouldn't care if they didn't look after dc but were still there - it's the having family nearby that hurts the most at the moment. I grew up without family nearby and was a lonely only child, married into a big family and now they have all sodded off. (their lives their decision i know)

GP's said it wasn't about moving to be near BIL & SIL but i can't shake the fact that is so is and i do resent their decision. It's horrible feeling like you come 2nd isn't it. I'm sure this will all iron out in the end but i've been miserable since Tuesday and haven't managed to fully get over their bombshell yet!

Reasons for going are that they can sell their house and buy something for half the money there, garden is too big for them to maintain and they like it there - all valid reasons. But.... they bought this house as their retirement house! They've just put in new kitchen, bathrooms, aga, garage etc all designed perfectly for them for retirement. They've just bought another 2 houses nearby to rent out - a pension of sorts. So they never had any intention of moving before BIL & SIL did. After talking to them Tuesday i understood but since having the time to think it all through it still feels like it's just because they want to be near BIL & SIL and grandkids. They've found a house within walking distance of them.

We of course won't be going NC with them but will have to learn how to deal with our feelings - in a way i wish it would just hurry up and happen (they've got to sell their house) so that we don't have all this apprehension for the next 6 months.

Hope you are ok, op. I'm still a boiling pus of resentment. In my head, I play out snide conversations about them abandoning our kids - I won't actually say these but...

DH sent them a letter saying how much he loved them, but the inequality between the grandchildren was something that had been eating at him for a while/years and this had brought it to a head...

We then visited and they were lovely to us, even lovelier than usual, and the dad said to DH privately, "I can see it looks like that, but it isn't...."

Meh.

DH seems more at peace now, having said his bit, and he seems to be more accepting of it - I guess he's been living it for 40 odd years...I'm the one still raging. I imagine its sub-consciously linked to me not having my own mum around.

We too will have this wait before they go, and yes, I wish they'd bloody just go off now. I feel a bit like everything is artificial - do I make an effort so that the kids see them more now, or not coz they are going anyway? Sigh. I was given some good advice on that thread, but inevitably it comes down to accepting it. So I'm still struggling!

Well, breaking this down - your first sentence regarding Reasons for Going had me nodding; house prices in that area and the fact that they just like it there - def. could be totally unrelated to the fact your SIL happens to have just moved to that area too.

However, the garden bit has nowt to do with anything. They could have downsized garden wise without moving that far. Add this too the fact that they have miraculously found the perfect property within walking distance of B+SIL and i'm afraid it's looking like an obvious case that they followed them, yes.

So ... you have to absorb this and put it behind you and move forward with a smile betty. They have made their choice. I'm sure it does hurt - but you can put your energy into your own growing family and not let this get you down.

My outlaws did the same sort of thing. Although to be totally fair on them XH and i moved first. XH is 1 of 3 sons. All 4 families lived in London. We moved an hour out of London northwards at the same time as 3rd son moved 2 hours out of London southwards. 2nd son stayed put near his parents. For a year or so we all saw each other regularly at ILs house. Not tooo far for anyone to travel. (ILs themselves were never big on actually leaving their house to visit any of us even when we were all only 2 mins away so made no odds to them). Then suddenly guess what? ILs moved to be within walking distance of son 3. Fecking miles away! No surprise. He was always the blatant favorite anyway. It left us 3 hours away from them and son 2 very hurt :(

i didn't care much as they never liked me and feeling was mutual!

When my parents had plans to move near me, and then they fell through I sobbed my heart out to them about it. We had been doing the two kids, no family near for 6 years (although MIL is nearer than my parents were but still 2 hours away) and things like nursery pick up are hard. As we had no family here when we had the kids we did have other freinds in the same situation and we all covered for each other to some extent. In the end my parents did move up as the problem that had been stopping them got sorted. It is cheaper here so that was one of the reasons, but they would never have moved here if we weren't here. Your ILs wouldn't be moving there if if BIL and SIL weren't there so YANBU to be upset about it at all. My parents regularly see the other grandkids as transport links are good. Their reasons are understandable but I don't think it does them any harm to see how hurt and upset you are and this has changed how you expected things to be. Maybe try and negotiate some working from home now if your commute is so long,might help things a bit.

Your update certainly give more insight. There is nothing you can do as they have made a decision and that decision has caused a split. It is so difficult now, generally this would only stir emotions if they had been simmering before. My DCs live further away and MIL always treats equally but she must have more emotional connection to the grand children she sees each week but she works hard to maintain the relationship. The hurt of what IL is doing can be healed but if your DH is scarred by favouritism then this would be my concern for my DCs.
As they are moving I would expect them to do at least equal visiting, especially as this could be the only way for one to one time. I understand the releasing equity but it does sound more of a justification. I would hate for my DCs to grow apart by the actions DP and I make.

JohnFarleysRuskin - I'm ok thanks and i'm doing exactly the same as you regarding the conversations in my head. They've now mentioned that them selling their house will mean they can help us financially - this isn't something we've asked for!! Neither of us has commented at all about this, it's very nice of them but it does seem that maybe they are feeling guilty about their choice? Although you can also say that it's practical.
Snap DH is now accepting of the situation but i'm still tipping between upset/hurt/miffed etc! I also agree about the Mum thing - i am lucky to still have my mum but she visits from time to time she isn't nearby.

They have very kindly said they will babysit tonight so we can go out together and may have dc overnight at theirs - we haven't been out together for 2 months and i'm so tired so i'm really looking forward to a night out and a possible lie in. I'm not sure if i'm going to be able to let dc stay away overnight though (is that silly?).

fluffyraggies it does seem like lots of grandparents do this, i just need to accept it - might be a long road.

OP, I would use the time until they move to make alternative arrangements for your own family.
I wouldn't try meet up more than usual.

In my experience, many older parents expect their DC to do the travelling. But if they have holiday home in the new location, yours visits could be little holidays? Or will they sell the holiday home too?

The holiday home is on BIL and SIL's property it isn't grandparents - this is one of the reasons i can't understand them moving - they could go up and stay with them very easily. I know we all think differently but they could stop having my dc 1 day a week and go up there for longer visits then they get the best of both worlds?

Aw how sad I know you are upset but imagine how your poor husband feels? I be gutted if my parents chose another sibling over me.

They are choosing sil over your husband, it is simple as that. They cannot be with her and their children but can be without your family.

I know - i keep trying to talk to him about it but DH is a calm, quiet type and doesn't worry about things until they actually happen. Know this will affect him a lot as he won't have any family left nearby and he grew up surrounded by them.

Wish this old 'Skype grandmother' could help you a little OP.My grandchildren are on another continent.

Maybe you could find someone who loves children and who would love to pick up a little chap and give him lunch and play?Very unrealistic I know,but I too dream of the family life.

Sometimes you just have to play your hand of cards .

Can I ask - do BIL and SIL make the same amount of effort with them that you do? Just occurred to me that perhaps they could envisage relationships with BIL and GC failing over time unless they made themselves more available, whereas maybe they think that you will always make the effort regardless of distance?

I hope BIL and SIL are aware that due to the distance they will be the ones who need to take responsibility for the GPs if/when they need help in later life too - no small consideration. You and your DH won't be able to dash up at a moment's notice. This may even be a factor in your IL's decision - the other GC being so much older and SIL being a SAHM means that they'll be able to help more than you would working full time with small DC.

If your PIL do offer to help you out financially due to the equity released by their move, I hope you will accept it graciously and not refuse on principle - this move will happen regardless, and if it means you have less financial pressure and could possibly work less hours that would be an amazing opportunity.

It is quite clear that they are indeed following their other DS, but it needn't mean your DS loses his close relationship with them, he just won't see them in person so much. My GPs lived hundreds of miles away for a large part of my childhood and were very much loved.
Get them on Skype/FaceTime, and booked in to visit every other month! :)

This thread has been quite thought provoking for me. It's a reminder that relocation decisions are bound to impact on other family members.
The hard truth is that we either do what we want, go where we want and pursue our own happiness in retirement, or we sacrifice our wishes so as to minimise any hurt, jealousy or resentment in the wider family.

It's a difficult position to be in. On the one hand, one is only too well aware of the diminishing number of active and healthy years ahead, compared with what's behind.On the other hand, a parent's feeling of obligation, indeed wish/desire (need even) to 'be there' for their children is very strong and any decision that is detrimental in some way to the children can lead to feelings of guilt and mean that ultimately it is impossible for grandparents to make decisions that only benefit themselves.

The best thing would be to try and make friends with some of the other mums that pick up at the nursery at the same time you do. You could come to an agreement to cover for each other on days where those emergencies arise. I would not be asking a mother/friend who did not have a child at the nursery - they would likely come to resent it.