People suggesting things for me to do because I'm a SAHM

[madchocolatemum48]

I am a SAHM and there are a few other mums at kids school who when I do meet them feel the need to suggest how I spend my time.
This morning
Her " What are you up to?"
Me;"Oh still renovating the house"
Her; " Maybe if you had a hobby or a little job"
Me; "Once we have finished renovating and the kids are in full time education, yes I probably will"
Her; " I don't know how you can not work, it would drive me nuts"
Me; "I do work"
Her; "Yeah, but not properly"
AIBU to want to tell them to F off.

I always say to people, it's whatever works for you and your family. End of.

I have thought SAHMs I've known might be better off getting a job for various reasons (not least of which the power imbalance when one person earns all the money and the other does most of the nurturing). But I wouldn't say it to them, unless I had good reason to think they were unhappy with their current situation.

I'm bloody glad to have left all the school gate crap behind. If this woman phrased it as described in the OP, then she's rude.

tis true we are judged whatever we do. just do what suits/has to be and ignore comments. it's sad to be so obsessed with others lives.

I stay at home during the day with a toddler and newborn then go out to teach in evenings.

I once had a student's parent comment along lines of it being nice to have a wee job for bit of extra pocket money.

No. It pays for the groceries and any other household things and we couldn't manage without it. There is no extra!

Also, "wee job" makes it sound like a paper round I've picked up, rather than something that has required years of study and effort...

yes very annoying. when I was working ft 50 hours a week I paid the mortgage and bills.

somehow as it was home based people assumed it was a 'little pin money' job I did around the kids.

grrrrrrt.

Barrrhumbug cheeky buggers. and your dh needs a kick up arse.

I must have a scary face because no one has ever passed comment on my life choices, when I worked full time or now I am staying at home.

I've done full time (then reduced to four days). SAHM and freelance. I've had comments about them all, not home enough, not working enough - mostly from the same person.

Ok freelance seems to get off the lightest, as can do it from home and be around, but it can be a pita to do - esp if you have to get last minute cc.

Her: I don't know how you can not work, it would drive me nuts.
You: "Oh it doesn't drive me nuts at all. I love it." And a big, self-indulgent grin .

I'm not a SAHM, nor would I want to be. But that kind of dismissive comment about not working "properly" is so offensive. In your place I would have struggled not to tell her to fuck off.

I am a SAHM too and I would want to tell her to fuck off and mind her own business but would settle for the "mmmm, how interesting, oh look! I must dash, byeeeee", smile and wave. Then go home and rant and chunter. She sounds like a rude twat.

My manager asked me if i was enjoying my 'baby holiday' when I went on maternity... Needless to say she is a nob head and has no kids yet!

I have thought SAHMs I've known might be better off getting a job for various reasons (not least of which the power imbalance when one person earns all the money and the other does most of the nurturing

Wtf, power imbalance. Do people really think this.
As a sahm of 22 years I haven't experienced any power or other imbalance as a result. What utter tosh.

morethan, johnny does have a point - you have only to go over to the Relationships board to see lots of SAHMs whose DHs have buggered off and left them with nothing and no choice but to get back to work, having been out for years. If it happens, it's bloody hard - a good friend of mine was one of those, her DH wouldn't let her work and then ran off with a younger woman whilst utterly shafting her financially.

However, you don't get a crystal ball when you marry someone so that's just a risk you take when you make your choices. Women make the choice to SAH for lots of reasons, it doesn't turn out well for everyone but that does not mean everyone should work - that analysis is too simplistic.

No power imbalance here either. Dh and I are a partnership who have simply divided up the necessary tasks of childcare and earning money. He can earn more money than me, so he goes out to work and I facilitate that by looking after the kids. We need each other equally and are therefore 'balanced'.

I do agree it can be risky in the event of divorce, though. Which is why it's important for a sahm to be married, to have the house in joint names and have full knowledge about her husband's pensions etc.

Exactly, Louise. It's all about both partners being reasonable and the woman being financially savvy so that she gets what she has a right to.

I personally have every respect for SAHM, you are doing to the most important job in the world.

OP- so very rude and ignorant. I would not not bother to reply and would give these women a wide berth. Some people are just so nosey and judgemental.

brilliant.
tell them you are on an anger management course that helps you deal fuckwits by punching pillows instead of them.
Then look at your watch and announce : "ah, it's pillow punching time already! "

I think telling a SAHM that she should get a 'little job' is on the line of telling thin people they need to eat more. It's not nice an you wouldn't tell a fat person to eat less but for some reason it's seen as ok for the thin person.

'Little job' I don't even need to say any more but Jesus!

I work full time but IF anyone does comment, which luckily is becoming increasingly rare and is now only from the same small closed minded group, I am told... Why would you have kids and palm them off to someone else to bring up. I also get the 'why don't you just become a childminder' comments.

If you do or don't work, you are generally doing it because that's what you want to do and other people need to butt out.

having said that, I definitely don't want to work full time. But here we are

In the 13 years since ds1 was born I have worked long hours in a very full on career, been SAHM and had a "little" pt job. Each set up has it's pros and cons and I am still not sure which I prefer. I have spent a lit of time worrying if I am doing the best thing for me and my dc. However, other than people making polite conversation I can say I have never encountered anyone who has more than a passing interest in my famiy's arrangement,s, certainly no critisism .

I wonder if some of this is projection - we are unsure of our choices (even if only subconsciously) so we think others must have the same view/judgements?

There is an imbalance when fathers do the fun weekend stuff and mothers the day to day parenting, when a woman finds her options severely limited years down the line because she's spent the past decade out of the workplace, when decisions are made along gendered lines.

It doesn't have to be about the man holding the purse strings or financial abuse or completely disengaged, incompetent fathers or anything that extreme.

There are ways of mitigating the imbalances, but I've seen too many friends where the imbalances haven't been addressed, to the detriment of both parents.

I'd find listening to them talk about their job far more interesting than listening to someone talk about the costume they've just made for their child's school play

What if their job is making costumes for school plays?

Noodle

I actually find some people talking about their job very boring. and often just self-centered bragging.
making costumes sounds way more interesting