People suggesting things for me to do because I'm a SAHM

[madchocolatemum48]

I am a SAHM and there are a few other mums at kids school who when I do meet them feel the need to suggest how I spend my time.
This morning
Her " What are you up to?"
Me;"Oh still renovating the house"
Her; " Maybe if you had a hobby or a little job"
Me; "Once we have finished renovating and the kids are in full time education, yes I probably will"
Her; " I don't know how you can not work, it would drive me nuts"
Me; "I do work"
Her; "Yeah, but not properly"
AIBU to want to tell them to F off.

I think the kind of person who barks out their uninvited opinions on your lifestyle are basically rude/tactless

Absolutely fluffy and full of generalisations such as SAH is xyz and oh sooo boring /WOH is xyz and if you gave up the Merc,5 hols a year and caviar you could give it up.

Actually I change my mind "fuck off" should do it nicely

I've had pretty much all the comments above! Been a sahp for about 15 years.

I've also had the opposite as when my eldest 2 were born, I was at uni and they both went to the uni nursery from 6 weeks while I did my degree. That was apparently "wrong" too according to many, including family members. So you can't win really.

As a sahp, I do a lot of STUFF, with and for the 4 DC who range from preschool to university age. I do all the DIY (can paint, paper, tile, basic joinery etc), do most of the housework and garden and look after our rental flat (allowing me to say on one or two occasions "I have a small business to run, that keeps me busy"). I act as a "gofer" for my DH, thereby facilitating him to earn more with less stress (I go for this, I go for that... ). Between one thing and another I "earn" a lot for the family finances by doing what I do ... It would cost a bloody fortune to buy in the work I do (far more than I could earn doing an actual paid job), and it gets my goat that I'm seen as "not pulling my weight" by many.

I don't know... People just seem to think everyone should make the same life choices they have. Do what works for your family and don't feel guilty about it!

I think mini is on to something regarding them asking as they want you to do something for them, like unpaid childcare.

I can't think of any other reason you would care what someone else does with their time.

Perhaps envy of your perceived lifestyle plays a part. I have an acquaintance whom I often used to see who would encourage me to get a 'little job' because it would be great. I recently discovered that her dh told her she could not be a sahm because he believed women should always work, and would only agree to have children if she agreed not to stop work.

I wonder if she wants me to work because she was denied the choice of whether to work or not, and would like everyone to have the same lifestyle as she does to justify her own work/life balance.

Oh I don't think that's true generally coffee

I'm certainly not envious of the SAHP lifestyle. I tried it and it didn't suit me at all. But I am fascintaed by what people do and how they live their lives. I certainly don't expect them to change their life and I would never make suggestions unless they were solicited...

Even if solicited I'm careful. I've had quite a few people tell me they wish they could do what I do, and when I make some suggestions they can get huffy. So I don't anymore.

I just smile and nod ...

People will always come out with silly generalisations .
You cant change them ,only your reply/ responses.

Arent you bored? I would be sooooo bored blah,blah.

No anyhow how is your DH, Granny, are you still shagging the milkman ?
dare you to say that

How can you WOH? give up the private jet and you could SAH.
Thank you anyhow how is your DH, Granny...

Perhaps not in all cases Word, I think what might be bothering this woman is that she didn't get the choice to be a sahm, regardless of if she would have chosen to do so. Therefore she picks holes in my choice because it isn't the same lifestyle, and she is trying to justify hers to be the best.

I smile and nod too, no point in doing anything else is there

I am always fasinated that any healthy adult gets bored as a sahm.

I have worked full time and now part time and honestly have inky ever been bored at work. never at home. there's so much to do.

Lots of us like doing both - I wouldn't want to WOH for 80 hours a week nor SAH permanently.

I like the contrast and am a happy baker, chicken wrangler, gardener and artist and have a habit of going to the cinema on my own in the afternoons

Today have done feck all so far except drink coffee and eat toast. Im going to potter around a local market town, buy some paints and get something nice for lunch.
< reports self to the lifestyle police>

Only boring people get bored.

Why is everyone assuming the working parents are doing it to fund their Mercedes and their 5 holidays a year??

Maybe they just need to pay their bills and buy food....

I was talking to my DH the other day and asked him if we hypothetically could live off his wage alone would he be happy for me to be a SAHP - to which he said yes, of course. I then asked if he would expect it of me, and he said no.

I do wonder what I'd do in that situation though - I don't think I'd enjoy being a SAHM and I'd hate giving up my career but I wonder if I continued to work, whether I'd feel guilt that I was choosing that option even though I didn't need to.

I agree with what everyone is saying - I don't think women can do right for wrong and no matter what choice they make someone will always have an opinion on it and make their judgements.

Me and DH have agreed that I will reduce my hours when I return to work after Mat Leave and I've already been getting the 'funny looks' when I tell people this like they think I'm using the child as an excuse to get out of working so I can spend my day on the sofa drinking cups of tea. However, I've also had people be surprised that I'm even considering going back to work. Like has been said, you just can't win.

TheBody

Me too. I have been a sahm for 22 years now. If I thought for one minute that any part of my life was boring, I'd do something to change it. Maybe, some people don't assess their lifestyle options, are happy to follow, don't have imagination, or don't move from their comfort zone.
I'm not sure either, but agree its fascinating.

sorry not sure why fasinated was highlighted.

Not sure if you meant me Writer ? but the Merc and 5 hols a year was an exaggeration of the usual lines trotted out .
I don't know anyone with a Mercedes, private plane or who has 5 holidays - that's the point-most people work to pay the bills.

Writer guessing those people are more prone to be bored and frustrated. having to work is very different to wanting/enjoying work.

I work part time at the moment but when finances are better, hope soon, bloody can't wait to stay at home again.

no juggling, clear division of labour, no competitive tiredness and able to swim, shop, read, garden during the day.

bloody wonderful.

Oh I think it's easy to get bored when you have babies/toddlers, because you often can't do the things that you might find interesting, can you?

Your days are often dictated by their lives/feeding patterns/illnesses etc and you're often very tired by broken nights too.

This is the time when you see all the posts on MN with Mums at the end of their tether, when they feel most isolated.

Also if you don't have a DH who will do his share or enough money for help, then a SAHP can end up doing all the chores too.

Once they're in school, though, there's more freedom of course to do the things one wants...

It seems that whatever a woman does, the world and his wife will have an opinion on it.

That's it exactly, word.

Yep.

No matter what, work full time, not at all. Freelance, whatever. There's always comments from people. Just do your own thing, that which suits you and your family. There is no way you will please everyone.

I agree word having very young DC can be very gruelling and tbh I found it quite "groundhog day" at times, at other times I loved it.

I really enjoyed the contrast when I worked part time when mine were little and so did DH .

I think word has it - as a woman, you can't win for losing. If you work, you're neglecting your DCs. If you SAH you must be sitting on your arse all day watching the soaps.

It's all bollocks, we're all just doing what's best for us and our families.

coffee I don't think they're envious at all actually, I think the sort of person OP described usually just want something. I see them eye me up in the playground several days beforehand and 80% of the time they will adopt a similar approach just before asking if they can have my number 'in case of emergencies'. Unfortunately for them my user radar is very fine-tuned these days . A great response is "Sure, I'll take your kids every day of the holidays in exchange for you picking up/dropping off every day of term-time". They quickly move on to the next likely looking sucker.

That said, there are some who are genuinely interested in you and never make deprecating comments about life choices. Who, funnily enough, I'm perfectly happy to help out in emergencies because they never take advantage.

Op you can't win I'm afraid.
There will always be some numpty with an opinion on sahm and working mums.
You can't do good from doing bad in regards to people's nose twitching.

Just stick with what's best for you and say "that's nice" in response to her ridiculousness.

All in all people like this are normally jealous of someone having a different life to theirs.

There is nothing wrong with being a sahm and neither is there anything wrong with working. We all do what is best for us and our families and sometimes choice plays a part and at other times it doesn't.

I have two sils who live and work full time locally. They have , I have been told on good authority been talking about me in a 'Who does she think she is? ' kinda way. My crime ? I retired at 50 and they both work because they have to , whilst I basically do what I want (to their minds) all day.
I recently took something into one of them whilst they were at work (public facing so just called in whilst passing) and gave them something from our mutual mil (a key) at her request. Sil asked me to call back in a while (she gets a discount on key cutting and mil wanted quite a few) and see if she'd managed to have them cut, then I could take them back to mil. So I went back half an hour later and shop was very busy so I just signalled to her and asked her in a 'I dont suppose you've had time' kinda way whether she'd had them done. She said 'No, I'm actually very busy serving at moment' in an exasperated voice , at which point she made eye contact with my other sil and there was lots of eye rolling type faces being exchanged between them as if to say ' Hark at Madam '
I worked very hard up to 50 and did two full time jobs simultaneously and fell asleep at my desk once and regularly did a full time day job and an evening job for many years too. I am about 5 and 10 yrs older than them too but they seem to find it unforgiveable and it has ruined our previous friendships and closeness. Green monster imo , simple as that.

I would stop meeting her

Oh and not to mention it is always always presumed I should do any errands or running around giving lifts etc to anyone in the family who needs one , they have all basically 'retired' from helping with our mils errands or washing or lifts here there and everywhere and they scoff if I dare to say 'No I am busy that day'
For example my son is visiting from 300 miles away on Thurs this week and mil is going for an eye test appointment at the diabetic clinic at 11:50am which is a five mile drive away and endless ,indefinite waiting times , usual craic in NHS iows. So I have planned for my DD (lives locally) my son and I to go out for lunch. So I have gently told mil that I cant take her and stay with her and bring her home as I usually do (she is comfortably off so a taxi is well within reason for her). Well you would think I had committed mass murder from the reaction of the family , including my DH who scoffed at idea that it would ' take the whole day up with it being bang slap in the middle of it ' and is less than understanding that I would 'yer know' quite like to spend the one day my son is here and my DD is off work which is a very rare opportunity to spend time with them.
I've stopped making excuses these days I am so fed up of it , I just say things like 'Nah , I can't be bothered ' and if queried further I say 'Cos I'm a lazy cow probably' and just wind 'em up more