To not want her to come?

[HeyMaybeBaby]

I am married been with hubby over 20 years. He has a female friend he met in work about 7 years ago. We have had a few problems over the years he has always found her a good friend. The friendship has been purely platonic I think. We met up a couple times with her and her husband and we visited her when they had a baby but otherwise I didn't really know her.

Her and her husband split up last year and we started meeting up for coffees and nails and got friendlier though I wouldn't say she was a close friend. She got back with him but they split up again recently.
Last weekend oh was supposed to take me to cinema but then said he was meeting up with her as she was 'lonely'

This weekend we had arranged ages ago to meet up with some old friends of ours (a couple). My hubby invited her and she wants to come! I don't want her too - it's a couples night, she doesn't know our friends and I was looking forward to catching up with them and also want my husband to myself please! Do you think I am unreasonable if I say (nicely) that she can't come?

Yes, some people get involved in relationships that involve cheating. But there's a fair amount of 'don't trust anyone ever, there is no chance this is platonic'. Not everyone cheatz , or would get involved with a married man, or indeed have anything other than friendship. Some do. But they are the exception.

To be uninvited to something is rude. She was invited to go to the comedy club and accepted, then was uninvited by op because 'it's a couples' thing'. So now on top of feeling lonely, she has been uninvited by someone she is trying to be friends with. So yes, I think k she is 'owed' something - manners and respect rather than the immediate suspicion she's shagging op's husband. What a low opinion of this woman and op's dh. And humanity tbh.

Erm is she wending you out of your marriage?

Oh Op, if you end up single I hope you remember your attitude towards this woman. How sure are you that you will be married for the rest of your life..............? You seem rude and selfish.

How about we ignore the fact she is female.

Say it was your DH's old male pal who had recently split from his wife. I still think it plays out the same - he shouldn't cancel plans you have already made to see him and he shouldn't insert someone who doesn't know the others into an already organised night out as it changes the dynamic.

As she has already been invited then maybe let that one go, but I'd tell your DH that she isn't to be invited to anything else unless he has discussed it with you and that if he cancels another arrangement to be with her then you will not be happy.

OP is being too harshly judged here and CynicalandSmug that last bit was shitty. Of course she thinks she will be married for the rest of her life - hence why she married her husband.
I would of done the same thing OP because of the way you were dubbed second best when she needed someone (why your husband? Has she no other friends to lean on?) and how you feel about her in general. Your husband should not of invited her to your night out if she didn't know the other couple or if he didn't as you. I think you did the right thing. Follow your gut.

*didn't tell you

Who says this woman is lonely? She may be sad but being single doesn't automatically mean she's lonely.

It can, mind, if a huge swathe of the population cut you out as a matter of course because you are a spare part/lonely/predatory... and, I suppose, a failure: 'she can't even get, or keep, a relationship'. And why do we have to prop up these losers anyway?

Careful, you might catch it if you get too close.

'Careful, you might catch it if you get too close'

Haha don't go scaring the smug marrieds!

Aurora

Clearly not as they split due to OP "doing something stupid" - presumably an affair of some kind herself.

I think OP may be judging her husband by her own actions.

Op's husband says she's lonely, that's why he has to cancel dates with his wife to keep her company, presumably he has to do that because she has nobody else to entertain her and can't find anyone or entertain herself. Tragic. Of course op's husband could be lying and using that as an excuse to spend time with a woman he's trying to shag/is already shagging.

Either way, it's a problem.

If op becomes single in the future, she won't be seen as a pathetic/desperate/predatory/loser unless she behaves as one. I never had that problem when I was single, I can't think of any currently single friends that do. Probably because they all have lives and don't try to interject themselves into other peoples relationships. We are all judged in the manner that we portray ourselves, how we impact others lives and treated accordingly.

I was single for much of my twenties, but I didn't expect people to cancel nights out with their partners if I felt a bit lonely (rare).

The excuse of 'loneliness' came from the husband, not from the female friend or the OP.

My dh has a bit of a tendency to see himself as a knight in shining armour. It's a kind and generous inclination and part of the reason why I love him, but he can be very blind to the impact on his family. I have been very much relegated to the background in favour of whoever he felt needed him at that particular point in time and it's hard not to feel rejected. It can lead to very difficult dynamics and I think is better addressed sooner rather than later.

The OP's dh just needed to talk to her about how they could support the lonely friend. It didn't need to result in the OP being stood up or the get together being disrupted.

Ok Op, here's what I think from reading between the lines and from what you've stated

1. Your dh had a worky type friendship with this lady when they met 7 years ago in work

1. You had an affair 5 years ago, your dh wanted some emotional support and found it in the 'friend'. Women are far more empathetic than men and as he worked with her they saw each other every day and no doubt supported him when he came to work most likely devastated

1. They cultivated a closer relationship from this and you most likely have never been happy about this but felt you had to accept it as you had affair.

1. Whilst you could handle him giving her attention once a month or so, now that she is wanting to spend more time around you both you don't like it.

I also think that you may have presented things to suit yourself. My bet is this is what happened the night of the cinema:

Dh spoke to friend who had no clue that you had arranged to go out. Friend upset - anything could be trigger - ex moved in with ow, ex refused to pay maintenance, friends dad seriously ill and no-one to talk to. You obviously don't like people feeling sorry for the 'friend' so you are not going to reveal anything that might make us feel sorry for her. I reckon dh said to you 'friend is upset do you mind if I go see her, we'll go cinema tomorrow night' and you said 'ok' but quietly seethed that he would even entertain the idea as rightly or wrongly you believe you should come first no matter what.

With your reaction to your dh inviting her to comedy club you are attempting to send the message to both of them that you will only tolerate their friendship if they meet up once a month and he doesn't invite her to anything additional and she doesn't look for more than that.

Am I right OP?

Is it definite that Op had an affair? I don't know if I missed this bit.

No it's a assumption because the OP said that 'she did something stupid' causing a temporary split. There seem to be a few judgmental leaps in the responses here.

NB My dh had an affair a few years back. That doesn't give me carte blanche to stand him up or put my friends' needs above his, even if they supported me during my hard times. If they needed support I would of course be there for them, but I'd run any arrangements by dh first, and if they affected third parties I'd check with them that they were OK to have someone they didn't know come along too.

I think the way you "uninvited" her was very rude. And, frankly, very unkind.

You don't like her, but there is no need to be so nasty- it's not just the rescinding of the invite, it's your general attitude of "needs to get her own life"- well she's trying to make friends after a major life event. She is trying to do this via her good friend- who happens to be your DH.

I can see why you might be upset that he cancelled on you- although I might cancel if my friend was really upset and needed support too. You were hurt by it- did you tell him? Or quietly seethe at her and not bother to say anything to your DH?

It seems your DH and this woman are good friends- she supported him through a tough time and they became close (you seem to think more than "just friends" close though- and I think this is the heart of the issue). Now he is supporting her through a tough time. Your DH is being a good friend, by the sounds of it. Do you think there's more to it, and that's your problem with her? If so- you need to speak to your DH about it, rather than take it out on this woman.

If you have a problem with your DH being friends with this woman, you need to come out and say so, and explain why. Although, I don't think you have any right to dictate who he can be friends with unless you have a very good reason (and more than a "hunch").

Yes, your DH should probably have asked before inviting (although I wouldn't have minded unless you had a specific arrangement with this couple that it would only be you for some reason). However, for you to cancel in that manner and without telling him, was unreasonable. You

I find this "couples night" so nobody else can come very odd. Can't couples be friends with and socialise with single people?

I think your DH may now be as pissed off with you as you were with him- you're as bad as each other. Playing tit-for-tat with other people isn't nice.

JenFromTheX I think in your summary you've missed out that OP is seeing this woman once a month in her own right.

Nooka totally agree.

Has it occurred to anyone that this 'something stupid' Op did might have been running up a debt or crashing the car or something like that? Why do you all assume she had an affair?
The bottom line is Op is free to be friends with whom she wants and if her instincts are telling her something is going on with her DH and this woman, why on earth would she want to hang out with her?!
This womans single status is NOT Op's responsibility!

The bottom line is Op is free to be friends with whom she wants
No, the 'bottom line' is that the OP's DH is free to be friends with whom he wants. No one says the OP has to be friends with the woman, but she should respect her DH's friendship. Sending a text to 'uninvite' someone her DH has invited is out of line.

And doing it in the manner she has is just dreadful.

And not understanding (or choosing not to?) that the response from the woman shows she was NOT ok with the snub...that is just, well, clueless.

SirRaymond - we think it is an affair because:
a) they split up over it
b) the OP came back and answered other questions but not mine which asked whether she had some form of affair (emotional or physical)

I don't think couples tend to split over crashing the car. Maybe, just maybe, if they ran up a ridiculously large debt, but I doubt it.

I think if the OP has suspicions about this woman she is perfectly entitled to pay heed to them. While not every single woman would be after an affair with a married man the fact is that some will. The idea that all single women behave with integrity is nonsense - some are just plain selfish and will go after a man they want regardless - don't be so naive!

Totally agree with SirRaymond - it is the DH's poor boundaries which have set up this situation.

Who initiated the meet because she was 'lonely'? I also don't see why neither her or your husband couldn't have included you in the meeting. This would be a concern to me. In hindsight the husband should have said - I have plans with my wife but we can both come and see you after the cinema. Why the reason to exclude you? If I was down and needed company after a break up - I would go to my female friends.

People don't tend to split with their partner for crashing the car. Unless perhaps alcohol was involved.

Sure op is free to be friends with whoever she wants. So is her husband.

If I was down and needed company after a break up - I would go to my female friends.
So that's you, and your friends. On the other hand, not everyone is you. My closest three friends are male, and of my 'local' friends, almost all are men. Some are partnered and some aren't. I'd go to them if I needed someone to talk to, and I think they'd come to me.

My DH's best friend locally is a woman. She was widowed last year. Whenever she calls, whenever she needs company, whenever she needs an ear - I hope DH will be there for her. If he has to reschedule cinema plans with me because she is genuinely sad, I think I can handle it.

TheNorthWitch some people go after any person they want. Married men and married women have affairs, just as some single men go after married women regardless. It's people - don't be so naive.