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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to come?

176 replies

HeyMaybeBaby · 17/03/2014 22:18

I am married been with hubby over 20 years. He has a female friend he met in work about 7 years ago. We have had a few problems over the years he has always found her a good friend. The friendship has been purely platonic I think. We met up a couple times with her and her husband and we visited her when they had a baby but otherwise I didn't really know her.

Her and her husband split up last year and we started meeting up for coffees and nails and got friendlier though I wouldn't say she was a close friend. She got back with him but they split up again recently.
Last weekend oh was supposed to take me to cinema but then said he was meeting up with her as she was 'lonely'

This weekend we had arranged ages ago to meet up with some old friends of ours (a couple). My hubby invited her and she wants to come! I don't want her too - it's a couples night, she doesn't know our friends and I was looking forward to catching up with them and also want my husband to myself please! Do you think I am unreasonable if I say (nicely) that she can't come?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 18/03/2014 09:28

I may be a bit Ott jealous as hell but I would have confonted ripped her hair out a long time before it got to this stage.

olympicsrock · 18/03/2014 09:30

'I hope you don't take this the wrong way but we had arranged that night ages ago and it's a couples thing really, plus it's a date night for me and hubby. "

I think that's incredibly rude actually. A comedy night is not a couples thing surely, we go to one with a big group of friends. Who cares if your friends are single or in a couple? And how can a night out with another couple be a date night? The whole thing is cringe-worthy. My mum who is in her 60s used to only invite couples round for dinner parties but would exclude 3 of her best friends as they were widowed / divorced. They were only good enough for girls nights and lunches. Now she's divorced and complaining that she is not invited out to dinner. Your attitude is outdated.

You come across as petty, jealous and if I was DHusband (not hubby!!) I was be really embarrassed that you uninvited his friend by text.

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 09:33

I still want OP to clarify the extent of her "something stupid" as I think that has a lot to do with this, personally, possibly in terms of why she may feel insecure and possibly why the DH said what he did five years ago and why he may be behaving as he is now.

Original poster
HeyMaybeBaby · 18/03/2014 09:43

Yes I texted her more or less what I said I don't believe in beating around the bush - it was in a reply to her text.

When she was with her ex, they saw each other about once a month, and since last year I also meet up with her about once a month. That's what works for me, I don't need her constantly in our lives.

OH will be annoyed I uninvited her without mentioning it to him but then he asked her without consulting me so perhaps he will think twice next time.

she has replied btw, she said she understands and think she needs to get some single friends with a smiley face. so I think she gets it now :-)

OP posts:
LiberalLibertine · 18/03/2014 09:43

former is your dp allowed female friends?

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 09:50

How lovely for you, OP. You haven't sounded at all insecure, jealous or controlling at all.

Still wish you'd answer my question about your "something stupid" though.

fluffyraggies · 18/03/2014 09:52

I think all the posts (enough already!) pontificating about the simple phrase 'couples night' are missing the point. Get over it! Hmm

The point is the OP feels that she would like this evening (call it what you will) with her husband and their friends without this other woman. Especially as she's been blown out recently by her husband in favor of this other friend.

I feel there are issues running deeper than this night out anyway. As other posters have said. I think you need a serious chat with you DH, OP.

formerbabe · 18/03/2014 09:54

He can have female friends if he wants...what I wouldn't put up with is him cancelling taking me out to spend time with one of them!

And yes, while I wouldn't outwardly protest against him having female friends, I would be extremely wary of them.

fluffyraggies · 18/03/2014 09:54

X posts op.

I still think you need to sit down with DH and tell him how you feel.

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 09:57

former - ah, so friendship is all right, as long as it is on your terms?

formerbabe · 18/03/2014 09:59

Friendship is fine...
Shagging on the side is not.

There are many women around who will smile to your face but happily get it on with your man when your back is turned.

Don't be naive.

LiberalLibertine · 18/03/2014 10:03

Extremely wary? Why though?

Ok I can understand op being a bit concerned,namely because this friend was there for her oh when she did 'something stupid' I think that's the root of her problem with this woman. She was there for him, now he's being there for her, in her dark time.

I would have no problem with this, or with him being there once when we had a previous arrangement, if I was being passed over in favour of her a lot,I might start to worry, but I trust my dp.

LiberalLibertine · 18/03/2014 10:04

I obviously mix with current women to you former I've never had to worry, about them or my dp.

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 10:05

former you said you would be extremely wary of your OH's female friends. Whom don't you trust - them or your OH? Is your OH so astonishingly gorgeous that all his female friends secretly want to steal him from you?

Sorry, as a man with female friends, none of whom I have ever 'fancied' and I am very sure they have never 'fancied' me, I do think it said there are people who go through their lives thinking that there is inevitably something not quite right or honest about a genuine friendship between members of the opposite sex (unless they are gay).

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 10:06

*sad not said

formerbabe · 18/03/2014 10:08

My dh doesn't really have female friends...I am talking more hypothetically.

Unless a woman is my friend or family, then I would be wary of another woman being friends with my dh...and yes, he is good looking!!

mrsjay · 18/03/2014 10:13

if my husband cancelled on me for ANY friend because they were lonely i would be fuming I wonder if this woman is liking having a man even if it is platonic flap about her I had a friend who used to simper when her friends husband paid her attention and he would have a glint in his eyes there was NOTHING going on i am sure of it but they seemed to enjoy to tooing and frooing, (not real words). I do think your husband and you need to set up so boundry (sp) for this friend and decide what sort of relationship is acceptable

BolshierAyraStark · 18/03/2014 10:16

Oh dear, texting to uninvite her without speaking to DH first is going to have landed you right in the shit-appreciate he didn't speak to you before inviting her but what you have just done is bad form & I'd be extremely pissed off with you.

There is clearly more to this & you should now have the adult conversation that should have been done some time ago.

HighwayRat · 18/03/2014 10:22

dp is good looking and has had advances from women while out without me, but I don't care because I know he would never betray me, and if he did have some sort of severe lapse of judgement he would be oyt on his ear quicker than her could blink.

I genuinely dont get women who dont trust other women around their husbands/partners, there cant be cheating unless the husband agrees to it so the question is do you trust him? And if you don't why the hell are you with him?

brdgrl · 18/03/2014 10:32

OP, I think that was pretty horrible.

ViviPru · 18/03/2014 10:42

OP, I think that was pretty horrible.

Oh don't worry, the woman replied with a smiley face so it's all ok Hmm

Topaz25 · 18/03/2014 10:43

Your DH needs to lay down some boundaries in this friendship. IMO, there is nothing wrong with him having a female friend but there is something wrong with him putting her emotional needs before yours, by ditching you to take her out instead and inviting her out without talking to you first. I would have focused on that, not the couple's night and talked to your DH, not texted his friend.

LiberalLibertine · 18/03/2014 11:07

I think the 'I'll have to find some single friends :) ' reply is actually quite sad.

NurseyWursey · 18/03/2014 11:13

Well OP I think you've made a right idiot out of yourself. You look nothing more than childish, possessive and a bit cringeworthy.

You do realise that your husband will probably apologise on your behalf?

And her reply is so sad. The poor woman.

It's threads like this that make me worry for feminism. Woman friend comes onto scene woman automatically gets insecure. Aren't you fed up of playing into stereotypes.

SinglePringle · 18/03/2014 11:18

'Gets what', OP?

That she's not allowed to hang with couples since she is single

Vile.