To not want her to come?

[HeyMaybeBaby]

I am married been with hubby over 20 years. He has a female friend he met in work about 7 years ago. We have had a few problems over the years he has always found her a good friend. The friendship has been purely platonic I think. We met up a couple times with her and her husband and we visited her when they had a baby but otherwise I didn't really know her.

Her and her husband split up last year and we started meeting up for coffees and nails and got friendlier though I wouldn't say she was a close friend. She got back with him but they split up again recently.
Last weekend oh was supposed to take me to cinema but then said he was meeting up with her as she was 'lonely'

This weekend we had arranged ages ago to meet up with some old friends of ours (a couple). My hubby invited her and she wants to come! I don't want her too - it's a couples night, she doesn't know our friends and I was looking forward to catching up with them and also want my husband to myself please! Do you think I am unreasonable if I say (nicely) that she can't come?

I feel sorry for the OP's husband. You know, the one whose wife cheated on him and is now deciding who and when he can be friends with. Wonder if he regrets taking her back now?

I feel sorry for the OP's female friend. You know, the one who was there for the OP's husband when she cheated on him and split up their marriage but who, when needing a bit of support herself, has her friend banned from doing so by the jealous insecure wife (who, as far as we know, is the only one in the marriage who has form for cheating). And clearly TRIED to make friends with the wife who has now texted her in a really rather unpleasant way.

Do you have a single male friend you can invite?

Should teach me to read the thread in full.

You sound horrible and controlling.

You should not judge everybody by your own moral standards.

..what everyone else said.

You may or may not be right to be worried about this woman. You may well be well within your rights to object to DH breaking arrangements with you in order to see her. But since you insist that there is nothing "in" the relationship between her and DH you are entirely out of order to uninvite her from something like that. Why on earth would a comedy night be a "couples" thing? WTAF is a "couples thing" anyway? If it were one of your female friends who had suddenly become single, would they suddenly be uninvited from everything? If it were one of DH's male friends, would they be not invited unless they could produce a partner to come with? I can't think of a single thing (apart from what someone referred to earlier ) where a group of friends would be getting together which would require everyone to be part of a couple.

Friends are friends irrespective of whether they happen to be safely in a relationship or not.

I understand why if it's two couples who are all good friends meeting up who haven't seen eachother I'd understand why you'd not want anyone coming along male or female who doesn't know them. I'd also understand why you wouldn't want to have another couple, or 2-3 other friends coming.
I've had it before where I've planned to meet a friend and they've invited their friend I've never met before and it's just ruined it.
So I completely see why you'd not want her to go, I wouldn't in that situation.

I think it was wrong to tell her she can't go and wrong to say it's because it's couples only.
I don't think it's about it being couples only, it's about the way you feel about her and DH and because of what I mentioned above with friends who don't know eachother and how it can change the mood of a group completely.

Personally I'd have just got on with it for one night and made sure DH knows it's absolutely wrong to just invite someone!
I wouldn't invite someone or a few people to a small catch up with old friends without checking with everyone invited

I wouldn't be at all happy, I got the rage because a newly single female friend of DP text him "shame your not single"

You seem to calm. It's not right for him to be putting her feelings above urs. He's your hubby and weather or not she's lonely isn't his issue.

Weather or not you want to believe it OP, this woman has an agenda.

LouiseSmith- I'd not be happy with a text like that, that's extremely inappropriate

Louise how have you come to that conclusion?

What a depressing thread. It took an age for singlepringle's pov to be acknowledged, much less discussed.

So, single people are deemed

'his little friend'

'tag along'

'lonely'

Not, you know, ordinary people with ordinary lives - ups and downs - who have social needs just like anybody else, married or not (which is anyway irrelevant).

OP those two might make a better go of it and then you'd be free to do what you like. No, wait, then you'd be SINGLE: sad, lonely, a tag along, a little nobody, a gatecrasher. She answered the vile text with immense grace in the circumstances and very probably now feels sorry for your H. Which would be rocket fuel for any affair that may or may not be budding.

Regardless of whether it was a single person or a couple your husband should of discussed with you first before he invited anyone along.

I can completely understand how if you were looking forward to catching up on a night out with friends you hadn't seen in a long time you would be upset. The dynamic changes if you add in a stranger.

I personally wouldn't want to offend the woman (after all she's only accepted an invitation) so I would just go with it on this occasion but make it clear to you husband that he needs to discuss with you first before he invites her, or anyone else, to prearranged plans in future.

Don't let it ruin your night!

This is such a depressing thread. These threads always are. It's good to know that as a single woman I can't be friends with a man without it being immediately assumed I want something else, and would happily break up a marriage if that was what I wanted. I estimate 4 of my five closest friends are men. I don't want anything other than friendship.

People saying 'couples night' is a red herring - it's really hurtful to regularly not be part of a social circle because you aren't in a couple. Why should this woman have to have single friends in order to to socialise? TBH, I think she's better off without you and you owe her an apology.

I think you did the right thing OP. This woman has clearly set alarm bells ringing and seems to have become over-reliant on you and your husband.

Personally I think that friendships with the opposite sex can be fine but there have to be appropriate boundries and this woman and your DH seem to be crossing them. He should not have ruined your cinema trip just because she was feeling lonely and really I am surprised that she would not feel embarrassed asking a married man to go and visit her and leave his wife on her own. Also why would she want to go out with two couples - one couple of whom she doesn't even know?

It seems that there are a lot of naive people out there. You only have to read the relationships board to find out about the female "friends and colleagues" and the husbands who could be trusted totally - yep usually turns out to be an affair.

I also wonder why even though you had known her for 7 years she only became friends with you properly (the coffees and nail sessions) after she split from her husband. This could be because she wanted to get closer to your DH and knew that if you were considered her friend too it would be harder for you to ask your DH not to see her.

I think your text got the message across and I would certainly stop being so pally with her yourself. I would also be having words with DH to reduce the amount of time spent with her.

She is no friend to your marriage.

This could be because she wanted to get closer to your DH and knew that if you were considered her friend too it would be harder for you to ask your DH not to see her.

Or it could be that she didn't want to step on your toes and was doing the decent and respectful thing.

She's been married and knows you have to generally be on your guard but, silly woman, she didn't realise there is no way you'll be accepted in couples land unless you're one yourself; that you would be deemed predatory, needy, scheming etc if you even try. Oil and water, apparently

I am never one to say this... but a lot of internal misoyny here. Are we as women that threatened by other women? That we literally have to rid them from the scene? What we're basically saying in this thread is that men and women cannot be friends. You're making yourself out to be serious bunny boilers and it's embarrassing for women kind.

And housebox using relationships as an example isn't entirely fair, people aren't exactly going to post about how great their relationship is with their opposite sex friend are they - it's for people to find support when they've been wronged so hardly the least biased of places.
And PLENTY of people try to find friends when they've split from their partners.. it's erm.. natural when you're lonely to friendships!

misogyny*

I don't think this is about can women and men be friends at all. My husband has plenty of women friends but he wouldn't cancel me to take one of them out to the cinema, nor would he invite one of these female friends along to a old group of friends who hadn't been together in ages.

I wouldn't have cancelled, but it is his inviting this lady along to inappropriate events that is the issue- round theirs for tea, out with a mixed group of friends who see each other a lot, along with the OP and her husband for the cinema, all these are fine.

The invites here are odd.

Reading that back, he wouldn't ditch our cinema date for a male friend either, nor invite them if lonely along with our old friends.

I really don't think this is about men/women being friends but a specific three people where there is history and that is another thing entirely.

I think your text got the message across

Yes. It certainly got a message across.

Sorry but if my friend was going through a crisis I'd cry off from going to the pictures with my DP. But he'd understand. He knows that my friend needs me more in that instance.

Unfortunately people can't decide when they're going to be feeling upset or in need of help from a friend.

Exactly nursey, if a friend is upset I would go to them, plans or not. There are some incredibly I secure women on this thread, it seems exhausting to be you. Your husband doesn't have an affair because another woman seduces him, or because you 'allowed' a friendswith another woman, a man has an affair when he doesnt love or respect you. Someone who has no respect for you doesn't deserve you anyway.

Thank god for Boys & Springy amongst others.

As a single woman, this is such a depressing and saddening thread.

Additionally as a single woman, I am not after your collective husbands and, yet again, I am utterly thankful for my friends.

Being lonely isn't a crisis though. Even after a breakup it is not in the same league as losing a family member and certainly not up there with your husband dying of a brain tumour - why are those the comparisons you are jumping to?

Yes, personally I would be upset about being ditched out on by either my partner or a good friend for anything non-emergency (and yes my partner's male friends are included here, should the issue arise with one of them), and would be pretty narrow in the scope of things I would expect someone else to ditch plans for. 'Lonely' requires 'let's hang out later in the week', not 'OMG must wipe calender NOW'.

I have, btw, been single for extended periods of time. I am now in a relationship. I find both situations are prone to involve being left out of certain things.

I couldn't imagine dp cancelling my date for any friend, male or female because they were 'lonely' and I'd be incredibly angry and insulted if he tried. It is pathetic and needy to demand that people cancel their plans to keep you company. That's assuming he's telling the truth and it wasn't a case of him realising she was alone and taking the opportunity to spend time with her because he fancies her/is already shagging her.

His behaviour is very disrespectful toward you. He puts her before you, cancels your plans for her, insinuates that something has happened between them before, it sounds like he wants you to believe they're having an affair or they are and he's rubbing it in your face.

I'd ignore the 'no single woman would ever cheat with a man, no man would ever think of cheating, how paranoid to even think it' replies, it's a very common behaviour and you can tell when boundaries are being crossed by peoples behaviour and body language, you don't need to wait until they start fucking in front of you to see what's in front of your eyes.

You have a serious problem in your relationship, you can ignore it, deal with it or leave and upgrade.

yanbu to not welcome this other woman into your relationship, it would be very strange if you did.

Op doesn't owe this woman anything she is not her friend more of an acquaintance. This woman is a friend of Op's DH however. This womans single status is not the responsibility of Op.
Op's DH has intimated that he has been more than friends with this woman.
Op's instincts tell her something is amiss with this situation.
So I'm a bit at some of you carrying on like she owes this woman anything.
She doesn't want her there on this night out and the other friends they are meeting don't know this woman who wasn't invited in the first place when arrangements were made. Why should she have to have her there when her instincts are telling her something is off.
I mentioned this to my DH who immediately thought Op's DH was either shagging or trying to shag this woman.