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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to come?

176 replies

HeyMaybeBaby · 17/03/2014 22:18

I am married been with hubby over 20 years. He has a female friend he met in work about 7 years ago. We have had a few problems over the years he has always found her a good friend. The friendship has been purely platonic I think. We met up a couple times with her and her husband and we visited her when they had a baby but otherwise I didn't really know her.

Her and her husband split up last year and we started meeting up for coffees and nails and got friendlier though I wouldn't say she was a close friend. She got back with him but they split up again recently.
Last weekend oh was supposed to take me to cinema but then said he was meeting up with her as she was 'lonely'

This weekend we had arranged ages ago to meet up with some old friends of ours (a couple). My hubby invited her and she wants to come! I don't want her too - it's a couples night, she doesn't know our friends and I was looking forward to catching up with them and also want my husband to myself please! Do you think I am unreasonable if I say (nicely) that she can't come?

OP posts:
VoyageDeVerity · 18/03/2014 07:16

OP is not angry because she is not insecure.

I don't think if she wanted to steal your hubby she would be asking you out for girly nights!

ViviPru · 18/03/2014 07:30

Yes. What Testing said.

And YWBU to say "I hope you don't take this the wrong way" - what does that even mean? It's as bad as "not being funny, but..." Don't send that message. Suck it up this time, I agree it's rude to uninvite now and the comedy club setting will diffuse any potential awkwardness with the group dynamic. Just explain to DH that you're not comfortable with this invite and you'd rather this situation wasn't repeated.

maggiemight · 18/03/2014 07:31

I don't think if she wanted to steal your hubby she would be asking you out for girly nights

Think I disagree with this.

Original poster
HeyMaybeBaby · 18/03/2014 07:43

I really don't think she is after my husband that's not why I am annoyed.

5 years ago I did something stupid and we split up for a couple months, my oh said she understood him much better than I did and implied there may be something more between them. She was happily married at the time so don't think anything happened but cannot be certain.

I have texted her to uninvite her. Hubby has got to stop feeling sorry for her and she's got to start getting her own life!!

OP posts:
ViviPru · 18/03/2014 07:51

Shock You didn't send the "couples thing really... date night... me & hubby" thing did you? CRINGE....

She'll definitely get the message but be prepared for the possibility that this might now flare up into a big drama.

SirRaymondClench · 18/03/2014 07:53

Are people really not allowed to go out with their DH and another couple without causing offence to single people everywhere? Really? Hmm

I must make sure that if DH and I go out with another couple again we make damn sure to invite ALL our single friends. FFS.

stealthsquiggle · 18/03/2014 07:58

Cancelling on you to see her = not on

Inviting her to tag along to comedy club = not a big deal IMHO. I don't really get the "couples night" thing.

General attitude I would have an issue with though.

HighwayRat · 18/03/2014 08:02

I am Hmm at some of the reponses here, dp has a very good female friend and if she needed him then of course he should be there for her, whether it meant cancelling on me or not, iant that what best friends do? I trust him totally, I'm not overly keen on her, bit dp doesn't like some of my friends and thats ok too.

Fifyfomum · 18/03/2014 08:03

Well for better or worse you've put a stop to it now OP.

formerbabe · 18/03/2014 08:09

If I was the op I wouldn't trust this woman at all!

Highwayrat...are you honestly saying that if you had planned a night out with your dh and at the last minute he cancelled because he was spending the evening with a female friend who was lonely? You'd be saying 'ah how lovely of you, have a great/evening together!'

HighwayRat · 18/03/2014 08:14

This has happened former, she lost a family member although I told him to go to her. But yes I didnt need him there at a particular moment and she did sowhy shouldn't he be there? I will drop everything for my best mate, after all friends are the family you choose.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/03/2014 08:29

Is that an elephant in the room. I think you are protesting too much. When she started being matey did you wonder if she was sincere or trying to allay your fears by getting to know you?

Is it that, at the back of your mind you re-live that time five years' ago and wonder if from that moment she and H forged some bond and now she is single he seems keen to include her in your lives whereas when she was with her ex this level of socialising never happened?

Caitlin17 · 18/03/2014 08:31

You lost my sympathy on "the couples' night". 24 years and counting with my man and I'm sure we've ever been on one of those.

Re cancelling the cinema, that is a bit odd- why couldn't all 3 of you have gone? Did you suggest that?

FredFredGeorge · 18/03/2014 08:32

There's only one sort of "couples night" where you can't have a single person with you - as they won't have a partner to swap.

YABU, a person you go out with, so know well and enjoy their company needs some cheering up and likely her confidence boosting so she can meet more people having separated, a night out in a comedy club with a couple of friends and some friends of there's seems like a good option.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/03/2014 08:38

Texting to uninvite her was poor. You/DH should have at least had the decency to have a conversation. It's not her fault DH invited her without thinking it through/consulting you and the other couple.

Do you really want to have a husband with no empathy for others going through a tough time? Her getting "her own life" isn't incompatible with having support/spending time with friends.

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 08:45

Thank you HighwayRat for saying that.

I'm a bloke. My best friend is female. In fact, my four closest friends are female. I don't see this as odd, it has been this way since I was 4 as in our primary school class there were 5 boys and 16 girls and 2 of the boys didn't live in the same small town.

A few years ago, one of my closest friend's husband dropped dead of an aneurism at 34, leaving two children of 4 and 18 months. My friend had family but she also leant on me to help with the funeral and a later memorial service. On occasion rang me up in tears in and my partner had NO problem with my going round with little notice to go and check on her. Because she understood that someone in pain is more important than going to the cinema.

My partner, my female friends and I (and their husbands/partners) would socialise in a group but - shock horror - I would also sometimes spend time ALONE with a female friend. Or two female friends at the same time. Some of my friends weren't always coupled. I didn't stop seeing them because heaven forbid they were now single and therefore they must inevitably suddenly decide they fancied the hell out of me and vice versa.

I'm glad to say my partner understood all this, although we are no longer together after 10 years.

LiberalLibertine · 18/03/2014 08:49

What did you say to her in the text op? And did you tell your dh you were going to do that?

I'd be really pissed off if dp took it upon himself to 'uninvite' a friend of mine that I had asked to come.

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 08:51

OP said "5 years ago I did something stupid and we split up for a couple months, my oh said she understood him much better than I did and implied there may be something more between them. She was happily married at the time so don't think anything happened but cannot be certain."

I think THIS has much to do with it. I am assuming (please correct if wrong) that your something stupid was either a one night stand, or an emotional affair or full-blown affair or some form of cheating?

In which case your husband may have implied something to make you jealous. Or was hurting and wanted to hurt you. Or maybe you think he is going to get his own back by cheating on you?

Cleartheclutter · 18/03/2014 08:56

my oh said she understood him much better than I did and implied there may be something more between them

If you read your own posts, you will find the answer right there

NotNewButNameChanged · 18/03/2014 08:59

Clear yes, but as you may have just read in my previous post, he said this while they were split up because the OP had done "something stupid" so I think we may need to consider his comment in light of that.

eddielizzard · 18/03/2014 09:00

what did you say in your text?

tbh i think once an invitation is issued it can't be retracted. but i would certainly ask him to check with you before he asks her next time. although it's too late for this weekend.

how are things between you and your dh?

dancingnancy · 18/03/2014 09:04

Think the 'couples' thing was more about two sets of old friends getting together for a catch up, So I don't blame you for not wanting her along when meeting up with non mutual friends. Or for the cinema thing.

Caitlin17 · 18/03/2014 09:12

The couples thing is a terrible excuse however tog dress it up. "Couples night" is beyond cringey. And even if you don't think that a night at a comedy club is hardly a venue compatible with reminiscing about old times.

Did you check with your DP before uninviting her? I would be very cross/very embarrassed if I'd invited a friend along to anything and my partner uninvited my friend.

ViviPru · 18/03/2014 09:12

I don't blame you for not wanting her along

Nor do I. But there's a way of doing things and messaging her like this to withdraw an existing invitation was not cool.

SirRaymondClench · 18/03/2014 09:25

Op's spidey senses are tingling and she feels uncomfortable about this woman being on the scene and isn't even sure if there hasn't been history between her DH and this woman and you're all giving her shit saying she us BU for not wanting her on a night out? Hmm

TBH OP I think your DH is the problem here. He has intimated that something happened historically with this woman and is pushing for her to be on the scene.

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