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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would it be unreasonable for me to pay for my own engagement ring?

55 replies

RubyRain · 17/03/2014 14:06

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and have lived together for just 3 months. The long wait was due to financial reasons. The discussion of engagement came up and he said he wanted to propose but couldn't afford a ring and might take a while to save up for one.

I told him I don't care about a big fancy ring but if it was a ring he wanted in order to ask me to marry him I am willing to lend him the money to buy one and it could happen sooner.

He wasn't happy at all with this, acted as if I had suggested he drank lighter fluid Hmm. He said there's no way I'm paying for my own ring. Technically I'm not paying for it I am just lending him money which he will pay back, so he would be buying it.

Am I being unreasonable to suggest this and be ok with it?

Oh, by the way, for those who may wonder why I don't just ask him or why we don't just go ahead and get married and skip the ring thing, my do is very traditional and wants the whole engagement experience :)

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRain · 17/03/2014 14:20

Anyone?:)

OP posts:
HollyWhiteAlwaysWearsAHat · 17/03/2014 14:26

You can be engaged without a ring - in fact I would say skip the ring if you can't really afford one. There's no point in him wasting money he can't really afford on a cheap ring that you aren't happy with - you may as well just not have one. Tell him either you buy your own or you go without altogether. He can always get you one later when you are both better off. It seems a daft thing to spend money on when you've waited all these years to be able to afford to even live together.

HillyHolbrook · 17/03/2014 14:26

Ask him, not usGrin

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's his choice though, if he isn't happy taking your money to buy a ring then you'll have to be patient I'm afraid. I offered the same thing, but DP really wants to use his money he earned and go choose me a ring and surprise me so I'm waiting on him a little while longer Wink

Original poster
RubyRain · 17/03/2014 14:27

Holly- thank you! That is exactly how I feel!

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRain · 17/03/2014 14:28

Lemon guess we are both in the same boat :)

OP posts:
Morgause · 17/03/2014 14:28

Why bother getting engaged if you are already living together? That shows more commitment than a ring.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/03/2014 14:30

My first "engagement" ring cost £15

You can always get a good looking fake and buy a more expensive one later

harriet247 · 17/03/2014 14:32

Can you not show him a couple if hundred quid or so beaverbrooks ones? They look nice and no one can tell tge difference

RufusTheReindeer · 17/03/2014 14:33

Sorry, should really clarify that statement

He proposed after 6 weeks when I was 17, my parents would have gone through the roof if they found out so I wore the ring on the wrong hand when I was at home

At 19 he officially asked my dad and I had my "real" engagement ring

I am 44 and have been married to him for 23 years

StickyFloor · 17/03/2014 14:34

Swarovski do some beautiful rings around £100 if you want another option for now.

Seems mad to spend lots of money on a ring if he can't actually afford it.

BumpNGrind · 17/03/2014 14:47

I paid towards my engagement ring. I don't wear jewellery so if I was going to start, I wanted the ring to be made out of a specific material (which I and my family have very personal reasons for choosing). I didn't want my DH to be worse off because I wanted a specific material, so I paid the difference with his blessing.

mummymeister · 17/03/2014 15:40

Suggest to him that as you have been together for a while and now live together and share all household expenses the ring should be seen as a joint expense and that you will go 50/50 on it. I would have felt a bit odd if my DH had paid for it all himself tbh.

SallyMcgally · 17/03/2014 15:44

I don't have an engagement ring, and bought my own wedding ring as my DH was broke. Wasn't an issue.

meditrina · 17/03/2014 15:44

Well, I literally paid for mine as he had his card rejected. He paid me back pretty swiftly though.

Is he really bothered about the ring, or making excuses not to go public?

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2014 15:46

Are you 100% sure he wants to get engaged?

I mean it's been 7 years already.

KatAndKit · 17/03/2014 15:48

I don't have an engagement ring just a wedding ring. Are you sure he isn't just trying to stall you on the wedding plans?

Nocomet · 17/03/2014 15:49

My DM ended up buying herself a ring as DDad just couldn't see the point and she got fed up of awkward questions.

They have been married almost 50years

LittleVikingChick · 17/03/2014 15:50

Why not skip the ring for now, and he can get you one for an anniversary, if he must Grin

msrisotto · 17/03/2014 15:50

Erm, as long as this isn't part of a pattern of you paying for everything!

As others said, you don't have to have an engagement ring now, or the engagement ring now. You can wait until he has more money.

Everysilverlining · 17/03/2014 15:52

I bought my own ring. DH was a student I was a lawyer. once we were married (or actually shortly before then) we pooled all our resources. It was so much of a non-issue. I would therefore be worried about the question of whether he was stalling

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2014 15:53

We bought my ring secondhand

It cost around £80

akachan · 17/03/2014 15:54

I bought mine (also a lawyer with a student finance!). It was part of a pattern of me paying for everything and the pattern continues and that's fine. We're married so what's mine is his!

MaidOfStars · 17/03/2014 15:55

I didn't have an engagement ring. Not sure I missed out on any of the "engagement experience". Apart from not having a ring, of course.

akachan · 17/03/2014 15:55

sorry fiancé not finance!

MostWicked · 17/03/2014 16:02

We started with a cheap ring, then replaced it a few years later (after we had got married) when he could afford it. I wear the original one on a different finger.
I can understand him wanting to buy it himself.