Would it be unreasonable for me to pay for my own engagement ring?

[RubyRain]

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and have lived together for just 3 months. The long wait was due to financial reasons. The discussion of engagement came up and he said he wanted to propose but couldn't afford a ring and might take a while to save up for one.

I told him I don't care about a big fancy ring but if it was a ring he wanted in order to ask me to marry him I am willing to lend him the money to buy one and it could happen sooner.

He wasn't happy at all with this, acted as if I had suggested he drank lighter fluid . He said there's no way I'm paying for my own ring. Technically I'm not paying for it I am just lending him money which he will pay back, so he would be buying it.

Am I being unreasonable to suggest this and be ok with it?

Oh, by the way, for those who may wonder why I don't just ask him or why we don't just go ahead and get married and skip the ring thing, my do is very traditional and wants the whole engagement experience :)

[CrapBag]

I paid for my own ring then DH paid me back. TBH he never even queried it. I must admit he can be pretty cheap.

It did only cost £100 and 12 years later I still love it!

[SheherazadeSchadenfreude]

If you've been together for 7 years and lived together for 3 months, why bother with the engagement? What is the point?

[FetchezLaVache]

You could show him and suggest you just don't bother with one at all!

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

I think my original engagement ring cost about £8.99 actually! It was silver with a little amethyst and I cried buckets when I lost it in Sainsburys 6 months later. DH was a student and I was a temp, we had no money so it seemed a bit daft to rack up debt to buy an expensive ring.

A few years after we got married (DH was working in his first job by then) DH surprised me with a little diamond ring on my birthday, I was v touched.

Oh and my mum never had an engagement ring and she's just celebrated her 40th wedding anniversary.

[ChallyCreaks]

I bought mine with my student loan. DH was in the process of setting up his own business and we were young and broke. That was 15 years ago.

[wowfudge]

He needs to think outside the box - you can buy rings and pay for them monthly from high street chains.

[ClumsyClumberson]

If he can't afford a ring, how can he afford a wedding?

[Velvetbee]

Think I paid for mine, why would it matter? Twenty years later what's mine is his and vice versa, we haven't kept count.

[lollipoppi]

Does your mum or his mum or GPs own a nice ring that he could use?
That way it's more sentimental too?

[nooka]

Great video Fetchez. So true and it didn't even touch on the blood diamond issue.

I've never quite understood the 'engagement experience' especially for couples who have already decided to get married and especially those who have moved in together. People who get engaged without actual plans to get married baffle me a bit too. It's all a bit paternalist old school.

If you have decided to get married than the whole get down on one knee 'will you marry me' is surely meaningless? Hasn't that ship long sailed? Surely men who feel the need to be traditional shouldn't be moving in with their prospective wives until after they are married, it just seems like an odd hang up to me.

And clearly quite irritating, as it's also a way to control the situation. I'm not sure that's the best start to a marriage really.

Having said that when dh and decided to formally announce to the world that we were going to get married we had a big argument about the ring, because the ones he liked I hated (no way would I let him chose something I was going to wear for the rest of my life on his own) and by the time I saw something I liked he was totally fed up.

The best solution I think is the one that my BIL and SIL went for, they have matching engagement rings (he has a signet with a tiny diamond, she has the rock).

[NotYouNaanBread]

I bought my own ring. Never saw any earthly reason why I shouldn't. Nowadays couples can have varying financial situations and it is not always the case that a man earns several times what his intended does, if she works at all, as was certainly the case, say, 100 years ago. If women's social and financial status is subject to change, then ring-buying traditions can be too.

So go out and buy a brilliant ring for yourself & don't be bothered about "traditional" nonsense.

[HelloDoris]

I bought mine, was £123 on ebay for an edwardian diamond trilogy twist. I was the one with the cash in my PayPal account at the right time!

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

I don't have an engagement ring, and my wedding ring cost just £70.
It's the wanting to be together part that matters - I'd question why he's stalling.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I paid for mine temporarily because DH's credit limit wasn't high enough. He paid me back when the bill came.

Just pick a ring that fits your joint budget.

[BumpyGrindy]

Op I wonder if it's just a stalling technique.

[Floggingmolly]

You've been together 7 years ; why in the name of God does he want the full engagement experience, whatever that is?
Fwiw, the minute you agree to get married, you're engaged, no matter what's on your finger.

[Purplepoodle]

I brought my engagement ring on my credit card (interest free) as dh had a rubbish credit rating. It wasn't a huge amount but a decent ring (half the amount of the ring dh wanted to chose) Dh then paid it off over the next few months. We were getting married in a hurry so a rung was important to us.

[SheherazadeSchadenfreude]

What Flogging says.

And if you're living together, you're hardly going to have the full engaged experience, are you. Is this the 1950s ?

[Allegrogirl]

DH was a student nurse and I was a lab technician on a very low wage when we got engaged. We went halves on my ring and chose it together. We were young and it felt romantic but people have been very sniffy about it. I think they feel sorry for me because I didn't get the Hollywood proposal with big sparkly ring. We've been married 16 years so far. Sometime he earns more, sometimes I do.

[Armadale]

I got engaged abroad on holiday, DH's plan was to buy me an engagement ring out there.

We had a tour guide with us who advised us not to, as he had known other couples do this and their rings turned out not to be genuine.

DH bought me a cheap costume jewellery ring in the souk, and then when we got back home he got a proper engagement ring.

The thing is, I wear them both to this day. My 'proper' engagement ring is very pretty, but I love the cheap little ring just as much and see it as my 'real' engagement ring. It cost about £40.

[emsyj]

If he wanted to propose, he would do it. Ten quid says it's nothing to do with affording a ring - he just doesn't really want to marry you. If he did, he would just buy the ring he could afford and get on with it.

[NurseyWursey]

I'd just let him save up for it.

[NurseyWursey]

Well not 'let him' but you know what I mean. If he can't be arsed to do that then there's an underlying issue.

[Pasithea]

If you've already moved in and agreed to get married aren't you already engaged. It's not the ring that makes the engagement.