To hate all 'Parenting Strategies'

[christmasmum]

I probably ABU but I absolutely loathe parenting strategy books. Friends recommend them, I foolishly think 'maybe this one will be different' and give it a go.

They all seem to make you want to talk to your child like you're a robot. Does any parent actually say things like this example quote...

You (cheery): It's bath time!
Child: I don’t want a bath. I hate baths. Go away!
You (breathe): It sounds like you’re really mad. You look really frustrated. What’s bothering you most? Can you help me understand?
Child: It’s not fair. You’re always bossing me.
You: So if I’m hearing you right, you’d like to make more decisions for yourself. You feel like you’re ready for more responsibility. Is that right?
Child: Yes!
You: Well, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea you were feeling babied. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a solution.

If I spoke to my DD/DS like this they'd look at me like I had two heads and STILL wouldn't get in the bath.

I get the techniques, fine. Listen, reflect, don't lose your temper and thrown them in the bath headfirst. But is it realistic? Does anyone actually manage to sound like this with their kids after a long day when you just need them to get in the bloody bath and go to bed so mummy can drink gin?

I usually go by "I can see what your doing, it won't work I said no. I mean no"

One strategy I always use is to make sure I praise them when they behave particularly well, remember to do something I am told them to, improve on something they've been bad at before, or remember to do something for themselves.

I think if good behaviour doesn't get reinforced then they might use bad behaviour to get your attention.

Read a few and would agree they are crap. We do use the naughty corner which works well, but so does always having biscuits or chocolate buttons to hand

It's funny, though. I got advice from and American mum, which she and gleaned from an American parenting book. And it works soooo well!

Basically, you bounce back what they say, so they feel understood and less frustrated.

me: "Come and do your homework"
DS :" Noooooo, it's not fair, I hate homework" wobble wobble "I'm TIRED!"
me: " I see, you think it is unfair to do homework as you are tired?"
DS: "yes!"
Me: "Well, you will have to do it, but as you are tired, how about we start with just 20 minutes, I will set the kitchen timer"
DS: "…oh, all right then"

Same with bed time, or doing anything they don't want to do. I pretend I listen and take their concern seriously, to then steer them back to what I wanted them to do.

It just diffuses the situation IMO, and you get them to do what you want them to do without confrontation and aggro.

Just saying: "I understand you are cross/tired/upset, poor you" calms them down so much.

See they all remind me of that scene in ER. Where luka and Sam are fighting .

She turns round and said something along the lines of "are you really trying to tell me that I'm not mad about what I'm really mad about??!"

I have had pretty much the exact style of conversation when trying these "understanding and empathising and asking why they are upset etc style approaches.

I get

laqueen yes you need to mean what you say but I would have never done what you did with your 2yo. Because dc2 would have started by screaming for much longer than 2 seconds, wore himself out then realised he was alone in the car and freaked out! Not what the result I wanted.
I would do that with 6&8yo if they were misbehaving. Different ages and therefore different approach.

I also found that if you can address the real reason behind the tantrum before it does into anger mode then you don't need to do that anyway. With a 2~3yo, they are more likely to be bored, hungry at the restaurant for example (assuming they have shown before they have been taught to sit nicely at the able, which isn't always the case with children that age). For slightly older children, listening to them works best. And for even older ones, leaving them a lot if responsibility is even better. (Over to when to the homework for example). Now that they are 8&10yo it's when we step in and tell them what and when to do things that it results in an argument. Left to their own devices they just get on with it (for most things anyway)

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown I agree the best tip I ever got from these books is too listen. My DS goes nuts if he feels we are not listening to what he shouting about - a lot of the time it is nonsense but just the action of us stopping listening and intepreting helps.
I also read a tip about boys tantrums and making sure you take time to cuddle and give close contact in the aftermath. Snuggling up on the couch with DS is one of my favourite things and really does work well to repair things when we have both been unreasonable.
I think the main thing these books highlight are the common areas where we go wrong with parenting. I dont recognise it all the time but I am more aware of what I am doing/saying because of them. I cannot abide hearing any parent calling there child 'stupid' as a result of reading a lot about how insulting your children can really affect them.

LaQueenOfTheSpring Wed 19-Mar-14 12:01:14
"I disagree that most/all tantrums are caused by tiredness. Maybe initially...but very quickly, the child realises that by tantruming, they get what they want whether that be sweets, or their Mum's undivided attention for the duration of the tantrum.

Our friends have a 6 year old who still tantrums, if things don't go exactly their way"

LaQueen, this may well be a sign of parents giving in in the case of your friends (whose parenting methods you presumably know) but it doesn't have to be the case for every single child.

I have never given in to one of dd's tantrums. Never, ever. And she was still having meltdowns well beyond the age of 6.

Combination of naturally high anxiety levels and some past trauma.

I don't suppose giving in would really have helped either, not that it ever occurred to me to try. She just wasn't reachable. When we have talked it over later she has told me that at those points she would be so completely in her own world that she didn't recognise the people around her. I had to restrict myself to restraining her, to protect life and property (no way I could safely have walked away and left her).

She is a pleasant and well behaved teenager with very polite manners, doesn't strop, doesn't shout.

My db had similar problems, in his case probably the result of adoption trauma (dd otoh is not adopted). Again, I don't think he ever got as much as a biscuit through tantrumming- he did it because he couldn't help himself. He is an NT adult with no aggression problems. But it took time and patience.

So don't judge every parent.

Agree with Cory - some dcs do have meltdowns until they are quite old. My ds would simply lose control of himself in anger - he is 11 now and hasn't done it for a good while, but I can't confidently say he couldn't still. I don't give in or dance around him or anything, and I just have to assume that if I had, he would be even worse! He does not, however, whine and nag to get what he wants, as he knows that won't work on me.

Please mums, share more of your "parental strategies"! I love to see how others deal with the same issues as us. :-)
I have been reading a lot from known or less known authors as my little boy has been growing, most advices are simple common sense (which luckily we do not lack), some are indeed as ridiculous as the example here given (Dear Lord...who on earth have even the reflex of saying such things when your child is screaming, kicking or trying to scratch your eyes out when you are trying to undress him for bath?!) and a few are actually helpful.
Here in our home we are huge fans of Super Nanny (Jo Frost) and her no-nonsense approach. We found some of her "techniques" quite useful for a number of situations with our 3 years old.
We talk to our mothers and fathers and sisters, to share the load and try whatever we can think of when we are really in trouble. And we use our common sense, we try not to second guess ourselves too much and trust that we are doing the right thing. The best advice we ever received is: love your kid and show it as much as you can, that way they'll know it's solid even when you are pissed off at them and happen to scream or punish.

Oh my dd can kick off big time too. Gets ignored completely and never gets what she was after anyway.

She sees past any "trick" to distract her or talk to her or explain anything.

DS's tantrums are like those very heavy spring hail storms - they are very noisy but if you just wait a bit they drift off by themselves leaving sunshine.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown : I do the same and it works quite well with my little bandit (about 95% of the time)

LaQueenOfTheSpring : hats off!!! I must do that as well in restaurants, have not had the guts yet as when we go to one it's such a treat for me as well and most of the time we are with family and/or friends. But I should next time. Thanks for inspiring :-)
I had the same technique in supermarkets, always properly warned beforehand my DS about consequences of misbehaviour and what would qualify as misbehaviour of course, living the basket there and taking the kid back to the car, no scenes or screams (mine. He was screaming and kicking all the way). I did this twice and since then it has been quite ok to go grocery shopping with him.

It also depends on your own personality as a parent..

I have learned, through having kids, that I am non-confrontational and hate conflict, but that I also have inflexible boundaries regarding behaviour and what is acceptable. So maybe not the easiest combination (a soft style but a hard core?)

Much as I like the sound of LaQ parenting, that is not a style that would work for me, sadly.

A thing that works for us (kids a bit older now at 9 and 11) is to ask them: Do you really think that your behaviour is reasonable? or "What do YOU think would be fair?" Also allowing them to make mistakes (Forgetting PE bag and having to sit out the lesson) and then dealing with it themselves.

Ah, I know nothing really. But these books contain an occasional pearl of wisdom, much like recipe books from which I typically only ever use one recipe!

DS had a monster tantrum today on the way back from kindergarten. He's 5, so he should have grown out of them by now, but to be fair to him (not excusing it, just explaining) we moved country 8 months ago (with a month back in the UK for Christmas) and he's just got over Scarlet fever and I think three maximum-length days back at kindergarten where he is still very much learning the language and it all got a bit overwhelming. He's knackered.

It was pretty embarrassing though, one of the other mums was sufficiently sympathetic to break into English (never happens) and say "It's just a phase!" and then a 3 year old girl laughed at him which provoked more rage, I whisked him out of the way before he could hit her, which he looked like he might be gearing up to do(!!) which meant it was unleashed on me instead. Took about 10 minutes to calm him down enough to cross the road safely.

My strategy with tantrums is pretty much carry on as normal, restrain/move if necessary and try really really really really hard not to let him see that I'm laughing Unfortunately I just find it so hilarious when he is angry, which is probably really unfair, but I can't help it.

It was an issue when he decided to take his shoes off as some kind of protest. I ended up waiting on a bench and reading a book but it did make some strangers look around in alarm because they couldn't tell that this ball of rage was with me I am lucky though, in that he will run off in the opposite direction but doesn't have the balls/insanity to actually run out of sight. We end up in a sort of stand off which always reminds me of the scene in His Dark Materials where Lyra and her daemon are testing how far they can go from each other. Or I sit it out and wait. Not sure what I would do if I had another child in this situation, though.

I just fear the day when he calls my bluff and I actually get to 3! Not happened yet! :)

Tantrums sound easy compared with dd's game. She goes silent. Utterly silent. Cue me or dh going, "What's wrong?" and we get the pursed lips, the world-weary sighing, the far-away look. I just can't deal with it and have never come across any parenting strategy for this!

We had a Mexican standoff once in late Nov2012.
Walking into town for Christmas 'Festivities' evening, my 9 year old decided this was the night to test me, and he refused to put his coat on.
I was late meeting up with a group of friends and was not going to lose a fight when it was minus 3!
A whole load of attitude and very angry mum later, and he was in his coat.
But I actually felt like I'd lost the fight, and we had a crappy evening.

So, I decided to try another tack. Next time he said he didn't want to wear his coat I said 'OK, but it's cold out. You may get cold.' but left it at that.
He got in the car thinking he'd won... then I took 10 mins to get in and start the car, after which he said (teeth chattering) 'Actually, I'll just run in and grab my coat'.

We haven't had that battle since.

I can recommend reverse psychology!!!