To hate all 'Parenting Strategies'

[christmasmum]

I probably ABU but I absolutely loathe parenting strategy books. Friends recommend them, I foolishly think 'maybe this one will be different' and give it a go.

They all seem to make you want to talk to your child like you're a robot. Does any parent actually say things like this example quote...

You (cheery): It's bath time!
Child: I don’t want a bath. I hate baths. Go away!
You (breathe): It sounds like you’re really mad. You look really frustrated. What’s bothering you most? Can you help me understand?
Child: It’s not fair. You’re always bossing me.
You: So if I’m hearing you right, you’d like to make more decisions for yourself. You feel like you’re ready for more responsibility. Is that right?
Child: Yes!
You: Well, I’m so glad you told me. I had no idea you were feeling babied. Let’s put our heads together and come up with a solution.

If I spoke to my DD/DS like this they'd look at me like I had two heads and STILL wouldn't get in the bath.

I get the techniques, fine. Listen, reflect, don't lose your temper and thrown them in the bath headfirst. But is it realistic? Does anyone actually manage to sound like this with their kids after a long day when you just need them to get in the bloody bath and go to bed so mummy can drink gin?

I hate sulking too. My attitude to sulking is to pretend I haven't noticed and just act as normal. Drives sulkers mad

I have a sulker too . Best of both worlds :o

Sulkers make me laugh when they have to keep having sideways glances to see if anyone has noticed, and even funnier when they have to change position so they think they will be noticed.

Unfortunately mine has a stubborn steak a mile long. Think rather go to bed hungry than follow an instruction given an hour before dinner. :o

See laqueen I prefer to try and understand my dcs like I would for any other adult/human being. I am not talking psychology stuff. I'm not good at that. But just listening, being compationate and trying to see things from their pov.

It doesn't mean I'm soft btw. I am far from that. In y house a NO is a NO and when they were toddlers I was actually expecting from them much much more than most parents do.
But listening to my 'tantruming' dc telling me he couldn't MOT hit his dsibling when in rage, trying to understand why he had some many angry outbursts made me realise that actually they weren't tantrums. They were meltdowns, a very different thing that need a different answer. That told me about his sadness about it, that told me about his anxiety. I would have never learnt any if that if I had taken the approach 'my way and nothing else'

It's not about being popular btw.
Popular approaches aren't always the best. Gina Fird was popular at some point, don't know now, but I would call her approach the best one!
It's about finding what works best for you and your dcs in such a way that you will teach them the values that the most important to you.
Compassion and respect are important to me so they are a big part in my approach.

Sulkers need aconbination of being ignored and... Tickled/gently mocked, then ignored again.

I understand my dd too. I understand that all she wants is a reaction and I bloody don't give it :o

She ten gets herself severely angry that it's not working and continues to step up the game. However talking to her makes her more angry as that isn't what she wants either. And she's so busy being a pain in the arse she forgets what it is she wants anyway. But it's over quicker ie before three hours if it's if ignored and no ones listening to the fifty thousand reasons she's throwing at you as to why your wrong.

They have never played me up since, because they know I say what I mean, and I mean exactly what I say

I also have zero policy on playing up in public and I too have taken dc out of situations where they have played up or ignored me twice.

I just go.

Mums that threaten but dont follow through only create a rod for their own backs and as the child gets older, see's the discipline as useless.

I've tried a few 'parenting strategies' on my rather willful 3YO - including the old fashioned "1, 2, 3..." (to which said toddler continued "4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10" looking very pleased), and the naughty step (which led to "mummy shall we sit on the naughty step now?"). Two that usually work in different situations are letting him do what he thinks he wants to and then he'll change his mind and do what he should (wear shoes, hat, have drink), and giving a consequence to still behaving in the way you don't want (if you don't clean teeth now there won't be time for bedtime story, if you draw on the wall again Mummy will take the pen off you for the afternoon). I try not to end up with 'no bedtime story' scenario by offering a redemption - "being as you've helped tidy up your toys / got your pyjamas on nicely why don't you choose a story now?". No idea if this is 'good parenting' technique but helps a bit in our family

Oh yes, this!!! And the jargonising of everything! And this new load of tripe, Peaceful Parenting- or is it Calm Parenting? As if no other form of parenting is. when all it basically is, is let the kids run riot and keep pleading with them and maybe some day they'll listen to you

Gentle Parenting! That's the one! As if no other parenting style can be frickin gentle!!

People pleasers are made... Usually by overbearing, hard to please parents who want instant obedience and who do not permit any discussion beyond "I said do it, now" repeated ad nauseum

Good point London

YY london

When I looked at parenting, I took the long term approach. Not what us going to make my child do X just right now. But what sort of individual do I want my dcs to grow up to be.
I also believe that 'monkey sees, monkey does'

So I want children who are independent, have learnt to look after themselves, are compassionate, able to take someone else pov into account.
So I have given them a lot of independence right from the word go, the good bits (ican choose what to wear) and the bad bits (I am responsible of my own time keeping in the morning). And I am trying to actually act with the same compassion, looking at their pov etc.
and you know what all that doesn't mean they can do whatever they want. The limits are still there and the expectations clear (and met). But not from a 'you will do do because I am telling you to' pov.

Yes Diddle. It's that thing of wanting your kids to do it because it's the right thing to do, not because you've told them to do it, isn't it.

This cartoon is one of my faves: When you grow up

Its about balance as usual, allowing children to make their own decisions and asking their opinion helps to foster confidence, independence and so on.

As long as you give them a voice and let them be in charge of some areas its OK to be tough on others.

London your comment struck a chord with me, as my DH is a people pleaser and his parents were as you describe, but this was in every single area of his life there was no freedom anywhere.

Apologies if I'm off topic, but this thread has really made me think.

My main problem as a mum has always been that I wasn't confident enough to follow my gut instincts and do what I felt was right, partly because my difficult and now ex- partner and his mum were more sure of their ground. When I look back, I wish I'd read more parenting books, just to get some ideas about different ways to approach motherhood.

Now my children are teenagers and the damage is done I'm finally getting my act together. I've even consulted the odd book: this one has some useful insights. But when I look back, I wish I'd been more assertive much, much earlier.

The baby manuals were quite good in my day, as someone who had a baby and didn't know how to operate it, but they all had something ridiculous in them, like one that said that potty-training wasn't natural, duh?

Your sulker changing position to see if anyone notices her/him made me smile delphinium

Unfortunately my DH is the worst for this around here. I wish he'd learn to use his words as a nursery colleague would always say to the children

Taking any of those books too seriously builds a bit of a wall between parent and child. Makes the relationship inauthentic and rather forced. Surely the relationship should be two personalities responding and bouncing off each other.

But of course, that only works if the parent has the perspective to be a parent - very interesting points made upthread about people who never had effective parenting modelled to them in their own childhoods.

Aw crap, there are parenting strategies...?

My DH vvvvvvv occasionally sulks, and pretending I haven't noticed totally works on him too. It renders the sulk totally powerless so they basically have to choose between giving it up or just actually having a think and deciding whatever it is isn't that bad after all.

I have a theory that it doesn't matter what strategy you use, you just have to be confident in it - if you're not then it doesn't work. That's the main problem of the pleaders, by the time you get to pleading you're showing that you've totally lost faith in your own power and right to be heard, and you're just sort of vaguely appealing to their sense of this. Result = total non compliance, reduction in respect for the parent and in some cases confusion/panic in the kids below the surface because they aren't actually mature enough to cope with being in charge.

I was not confident in everything when DS was younger but it took me a hell of a long time to notice that the only parts I was doing well at were the ones I was totally confident in my ability to do in the first place.